Its just not fair!

millymollymoomoo · 20/02/2023 10:47

Just disengage
dont get drawn into things

and make sure the settlement is fair

MsMarch · 20/02/2023 10:55

While I don't think you need to tell everyone all the details, I will never understad this, "I'm not saying anything to anyone in real life" approach. He's a shit. You don't have to protect him. I mean, sure, don't whip out all the paperwork to prove he's lying but I see no reason why you couldn't gently murmur, "yes, well, of course he'd say he's struggling - he doesn't want to pay for the kids" or whatever.

Aurorabored · 20/02/2023 11:08

’I am taking the bare minimum required financially to move on, absolutely not fair on my part, against solicitors advice’

Why? Read back what you’ve written.

’I know i was a mug / didn't help myself’
’he has delayed things at every opportunity’
’I do believe there is emotional abuse’
’I know he can easily afford his bills but is telling everyone, including me how tough times are’
’He also speaks to me me like s#$t around his friends and family’
’Our mutual friends are hearing just his side so their opinion will also be one sided.’

He’s still abusing you, financially as well as emotionally, and you’re going along with it for ‘a quiet life.’ You sound utterly beaten down. You’ve said you’re exhausted. I know most people going through a divorce get to a stage where they just desperately want everything to be over and done with but what happens in the next few weeks or months will impact the rest of your life. Please stand up for yourself. I’m not saying rant about him to your children but why aren’t you ‘moaning’ about it IRL? Why aren’t you allowed to be angry and frustrated at him? Why aren’t you looking after your financial interests?

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/02/2023 11:09

I am taking the bare minimum required financially to move on, absolutely not fair on my part, against solicitors advice... but for a quiet life

You're paying your legal expert for their advice so I’d take it. And your ex isn’t making life easy or quiet now so that’s not an approach that’s doing your future self any favours.

Original poster

Tometoyou123 · 20/02/2023 11:10

@millymollymoomoo I agree but sometimes that easier said than done.

@MsMarch I get that, but I think if I started saying bits, I don’t think I’d stop… which I’m turn my kids could hear.

OP posts:

YesYou · 20/02/2023 11:15

"I am taking the bare minimum required financially to move on, absolutely not fair on my part, against solicitors advice... but for a quiet life"

Fuck me. You're not having a quiet life though are you? You're being slagged off and ripped off and you're letting it happen. Again.

"He also speaks to me me like s#$t around his friends and family but lovely / mutual respect when he is his own."

Why are you hanging around with him? He's your ex. He's not being "amicable". Do yourself and your kids a favour and get a fair settlement and stop being his punch bag.

Original poster

Tometoyou123 · 20/02/2023 11:15

Thank you all, I do know all of this but it’s nice to hear it again and get some reassurance that I’m not loosing it just yet and it is just a really shit situation.

OP posts:

Original poster

Tometoyou123 · 20/02/2023 11:16

@YesYou i only talk when I need to discuss the kids. I am absolutely not hanging around him

OP posts:

ShippingNews · 20/02/2023 11:20

Due to his mood, people feels sorry for him. He has this poor me all the time and I'm finding it exhausting. He also speaks to me me like s#$t around his friends and family but lovely / mutual respect when he is his own

You are getting divorced - why do you still know what he says to other people ? It's time to disengage yourself from him . Don't talk to him except through your lawyer , don't see him at all. What he says about you to others should be unknown to you at this stage. Step away and live your best life without him - don't listen to what he says to anyone else.

AlmostSpring2023 · 20/02/2023 11:23

Yes, it is shit & it is unfair!

but once again you're not helping yourself (or your kids)

Listen to your solicitor, get the absolute MAX you can financially for your kids sake if not yours. Being a doormat nice isn't helping, so STOP!

stop being the doormat dutiful wife and shielding him from people knowing how fucking useless he's been. your kids aren't stupid, they'll know already. Then hearing someone else say something won't make f'all difference. I wouldn't deliberately bad mouth him directly to them, but neither would I pretend he's wonderful.

it's sad, it's hard, it's not fair, but for god sake find your anger & stop allowing him to manipulate you!

GerbilsForever24 · 20/02/2023 11:25

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/02/2023 11:09

I am taking the bare minimum required financially to move on, absolutely not fair on my part, against solicitors advice... but for a quiet life

You're paying your legal expert for their advice so I’d take it. And your ex isn’t making life easy or quiet now so that’s not an approach that’s doing your future self any favours.

I have to agree with this. Take the bare minimum for an easy life, sure. But if its not easy, you may as well fight for whatever you can get.

There's a huge middle ground between slagging off your ex and letting him walk all over you. I don't believe it is useful for DC to be completely protected from his shittiness becuase the chances are they will experience it themselves. Find the middle ground.

YesYou · 20/02/2023 11:37

Shouldn't be very often you need to discuss the kids and nothing that can't be done factually and by email.

You're saying you're with him around family and friends and that he's exhausting, all of the time. You need to separate from him properly. Take as much financially as you can and start over.

ElliF · 20/02/2023 11:41

Tometoyou123 · Today 07:56
So, I was completely alone in my marriage. I dealt with everything, house cars, kids, shopping/ cooking all his life admin (i know i was a mug / didn't help myself).

So you were in control. He earned and you controlled the finances and administered the family and the household.

Why did you leave him? Are the kids with you? Grown up and left home? Or with him? Do either of you have new partners? We’re these before or after you moved out?

ElliF · 20/02/2023 11:42

You understand he has to learn all that. Running a house is something most of us take for granted but there are a lot of men who have problems with that.

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 20/02/2023 11:44

@ElliF it's not control if it's left to you. As I have numerous times explained to dh the reason I have picked almost every interior design aspect of the house is because he wouldn't. So he doesn't get to weigh in on the bits he cares about and then say it's not fair you picked everything else. It wasn't out of bloody choice and definitely out of control it's because someone bloody had to.

mycatsanutter · 20/02/2023 11:52

Don't take the bare minimum for a quiet life sounds like he is going to be awkward regardless! I bought my ex out how stupid was I still got a mortgage 27 years later 😩 please take note of your solicitors advice

Aurorabored · 20/02/2023 11:53

Obviously, everyone’s situation is different, but I would’ve signed away a lot of what I was entitled to just to have it done with. I was lucky that I picked a very good solicitor who pushed my interests. It was my ex refusing a penny over 50:50 that sent it to court. Now that I’m out the other side, I am so grateful that to my ex for that bloody mindedness. Once all the paperwork is signed you’ve got the future stretching out in front of you, looking very different from how you thought it would be and it’s so good to have a financial safety net to fall back on.

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/02/2023 12:15

If you’re only talking about the kids and doing handovers for contact swapping why are you anywhere near his friends or family?

You have a role in protecting yourself and you do that by minimising the contact between you to legal stuff, via the lawyers you’re each paying, and keeping contact arrangements to facts and preferably by email.

You don’t need to care what he’s saying about you. His version of events will be different to yours, that’s inevitable. No one feels their divorce or relationship breakdown is fair, it’s usually messy, confusing and painful. My ex told some shocking lies and the people who believed them aren’t people I need in my life. No one says that’s easy, it’s shit, but don’t waste energy worrying about things you can’t control when you could be focussing on those you can - like taking the legal advice you’re getting to achieve the fairest split of assets that’s possible. You won’t get a medal for being a martyr and you’re potentially screwing your kids over by taking that path.

MuchHatred · 20/02/2023 12:27

You’re not going for what’s rightfully yours for a quiet life but you’re not getting a quiet life so why not start putting yourself first? Who cares what he’s saying? It’ll have no bearing on your life soon but your correct financial settlement will.

AbbieLexie · 20/02/2023 12:27

Please please please take your solicitor's advice - take everything - fight for it - you are entitled to. That was my mistake - trying to be nice. I'm still paying the price 20 years later. This is about you and the children and your futures. Let the solicitor do their job. Don't discuss with the ex just repeat solicitor dealing with everything.

Milkand2sugarsplease · 20/02/2023 12:33

You might as well go for a fair settlement as you state yourself that you were taking less for an easy ride - I completely understand that, I did it myself, however, it doesn't seem like you're getting that easy ride with it. If he's going to make it harder you might as well have what you're entitled to.

MuchHatred · 20/02/2023 12:58

And also, you're expecting others to treat you fairly when you're not even treating yourself fairly. Get what you're worth!

ElliF · 20/02/2023 13:25

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 20/02/2023 11:44

@ElliF it's not control if it's left to you. As I have numerous times explained to dh the reason I have picked almost every interior design aspect of the house is because he wouldn't. So he doesn't get to weigh in on the bits he cares about and then say it's not fair you picked everything else. It wasn't out of bloody choice and definitely out of control it's because someone bloody had to.

OP isn’t talking about choosing wallpaper and lamp shades. She’s talking about the household budget and the finances. If DexH had been dealing with the household budget, paying all the bills and buying the shopping, the all-men-are-abusers crowd would have been screaming financial abuser.

If you are going to post a story on here, give the whole story, not just ‘your truth’. Maybe she left him because he works too hard and she found another love interest, and maybe he’s in the house with the kids and having to pick up her role in the relationship as well as continuing with his work. Maybe he’s now doing packed lunches, clothes washing and school runs on top of securing the income?

We do not know. We have not been told any of the circumstances. All we have is the woe-is-me side of the story thus far. Everyone always takes any posters story as being ‘their truth’ and a lot of times we found out just how inaccurate, or uncandid the poster has been.

Obviously DexH isn’t going to be explaining what happened, but there is no evidence the guy is a prick on face value other than one person’s feelings, and we don’t know the whole story about those either.

BetterFuture1985 · 20/02/2023 16:57

Tometoyou123 · 20/02/2023 07:56

So, I was completely alone in my marriage. I dealt with everything, house cars, kids, shopping/ cooking all his life admin (i know i was a mug / didn't help myself).

So roll on a couple of years, we are getting divorced, I have moved out and I am now renting and want to get on with my life ( I am taking the bare minimum required financially to move on, absolutely not fair on my part, against solicitors advice... but for a quiet life). The divorce process is difficult, he has delayed things at every opportunity. My solicitor states there is an element of financial blackmail as he is very much woe me... I can't believe this... I didn't do anything wrong etc. He didn't do anything full stop... which is why we are in this situation now. I do believe there is emotional abuse with his behaviour too which affected me loads more when we were married.

He is a high earner, I am not. I know he can easily afford his bills but is telling everyone, including me how tough times are. Obviously Form E's say differently.

I am not moaning IRL about it, which is why I'm here. Due to his mood, people feels sorry for him. He has this poor me all the time and I'm finding it exhausting. He also speaks to me me like s#$t around his friends and family but lovely / mutual respect when he is his own. Our mutual friends are hearing just his side so their opinion will also be one sided.

I am not looking for answers, just feeling extremely frustrated and trying my best to remain amicable for the children which over time I am finding more and more difficult.

its just not fair!! why does it need to be so hard :-(

You did everything but he's the high earner? You sound like one of those people who have absolutely no empathy whatsoever for the contribution of the other person in the marriage. Quite clearly, he provided for you financially when you were married in a way you could not. That would not have happened by him sitting around doing nothing. Perhaps the life admin was YOUR FAIR SHARE of the work??

ElliF · 20/02/2023 19:13

BetterFuture1985 · 20/02/2023 16:57

You did everything but he's the high earner? You sound like one of those people who have absolutely no empathy whatsoever for the contribution of the other person in the marriage. Quite clearly, he provided for you financially when you were married in a way you could not. That would not have happened by him sitting around doing nothing. Perhaps the life admin was YOUR FAIR SHARE of the work??

Show quote history

She didn’t say she didn’t work though.
Work is work regardless of pay.

I work my tail off in the house because DH works his tail off to bring in the wage. That’s the deal. Things would be different if I worked outside the home for four hours a day, regardless of how much I earned.

OP said he was a high earner, but she did not say she didn’t work. On the contrary, I read into the phrase, ‘I am not’ that OP was employed and not a SAHM.