Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Its just not fair!

32 replies

Tometoyou123 · 20/02/2023 07:56

So, I was completely alone in my marriage. I dealt with everything, house cars, kids, shopping/ cooking all his life admin (i know i was a mug / didn't help myself).

So roll on a couple of years, we are getting divorced, I have moved out and I am now renting and want to get on with my life ( I am taking the bare minimum required financially to move on, absolutely not fair on my part, against solicitors advice... but for a quiet life). The divorce process is difficult, he has delayed things at every opportunity. My solicitor states there is an element of financial blackmail as he is very much woe me... I can't believe this... I didn't do anything wrong etc. He didn't do anything full stop... which is why we are in this situation now. I do believe there is emotional abuse with his behaviour too which affected me loads more when we were married.

He is a high earner, I am not. I know he can easily afford his bills but is telling everyone, including me how tough times are. Obviously Form E's say differently.

I am not moaning IRL about it, which is why I'm here. Due to his mood, people feels sorry for him. He has this poor me all the time and I'm finding it exhausting. He also speaks to me me like s#$t around his friends and family but lovely / mutual respect when he is his own. Our mutual friends are hearing just his side so their opinion will also be one sided.

I am not looking for answers, just feeling extremely frustrated and trying my best to remain amicable for the children which over time I am finding more and more difficult.

its just not fair!! why does it need to be so hard :-(

OP posts:
Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 20/02/2023 20:55

@ElliF I'm using decorating as an example because that's the only time my husband implied I had control of something when in actual fact I was just left it. You're painting a scenario where being left to do all the cooking, gift buying, admin, kids stuff, shopping and car stuff is fine because you're in control of the budget.

ElliF · 20/02/2023 21:12

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 20/02/2023 20:55

@ElliF I'm using decorating as an example because that's the only time my husband implied I had control of something when in actual fact I was just left it. You're painting a scenario where being left to do all the cooking, gift buying, admin, kids stuff, shopping and car stuff is fine because you're in control of the budget.

Being left to do something does not mean you are not in control of that something, quite the contrary. I made no mention of whether that was a good thing or a bad thing, nor did I say whether it was by agreement or involuntary. Those are all things you have read into the post. Its on the last page.

I was seeking to clarify the nature of the separation and we currently have only been given scant information and asked to advise, and most people have made judgements against the husband as you would expect, but without any real context. We do not know anything, except maybe that the guy probably has little or no experience running a household.

Are they empty nesters or do they have kids? OP said she left, so I assume that means she left him in the house. Did she take the kids with her or leave them with the husband? Has he got to learn how to deal with kids because he’s not used to juggling school runs and dealing with schools?

We have no idea because we haven’t been told, but the all-men-are-evil crowd came out on cue because that’s what they do.

BetterFuture1985 · 20/02/2023 21:18

ElliF · 20/02/2023 19:13

She didn’t say she didn’t work though.
Work is work regardless of pay.

I work my tail off in the house because DH works his tail off to bring in the wage. That’s the deal. Things would be different if I worked outside the home for four hours a day, regardless of how much I earned.

OP said he was a high earner, but she did not say she didn’t work. On the contrary, I read into the phrase, ‘I am not’ that OP was employed and not a SAHM.

Show quote history

Sorry, but no, work is not just work. There is a wide gulf between the 50-60 hours a week, constantly being on call including weekends and two hours commuting every day and my ex-wife's nice little job earning minimum wage down the road from home for example. She can get home before 9 or 10pm and she can recuperate at weekends. If we were still together, she could do everything at home for about 30 hours a week before we were contributing equally.

Sorry, but that's the real truth of the matter.

CleaningOutMyCloset · 20/02/2023 21:27

If he's being a twat, why not go for what you're entitled to as part of the divorce and he can continue to be a twat, but at least you'll be financially better off

DarkDarkNight · 20/02/2023 21:37

Listen to what everyone on here, and most importantly your solicitor has to say and take what you are entitled to in the divorce - stop being a martyr for crying out loud. Do it for your children if not for yourself. If you are scared of what people will think of you, or are scared of your ex you need to get over it. It is not too late to tell your solicitor you have changed your mind and would like a more equitable split.

I know someone who did this in real life, now his wife is sitting pretty in a mortgage-free house and he is still renting and working when he could be retires. They both would have been able to own outright with the property prices in my area. Nobody thinks any better of him or that he was the bigger more mature person. Most people think he’s a mug who always needs to be seen to be a nice guy. You are playing in to his hands and giving him exactly what he wants.

Luredbyapomegranate · 20/02/2023 21:43

a) take your proper share
b) it’s fine to tell people in real life when he’s being a dick.

I don’t understand why you wouldn’t do these things, you don’t need to martyr yourself.

silentpool · 20/02/2023 21:55

OP, will you please take your solicitor's advice? If he isn't cooperating, file the form to go to court and that will let him see that you are no longer being manipulated.

Stop communicating with him, except through basic email if you have to.

Go and get some counselling as you need to fight for your future.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page