Look for a 2nd opinion on if this is fair

[SSDD1]

Hi all
I want to check if I am over reacting to my current post divorce and settlement situation. I have had legal advice also but I also value the views of others to enable me to make an informed choice on how to proceed.

divorced from my Ex. Separated January 2022. Filed for divorce in April. Agreed through mediation a Financial package and child arrangements (50/50) in June, I agreed to pay my ex £3,500 per month for 4 years starting in October. This left me with £3,650 after paying spousal maintenance. ex also agreed she would get a job to enable her to provide for the children. Sold the house as agreed in mediation in August. She didn’t work and previously only looked after the children ages 4&7. She took all the funds from the sale around 125K once the judge singed off the divorce in October. I had nothing left after mediation and legal fees.

Currently they rent a small 2 bed house. I rent a 3 bed, nothing too fancy. we don’t speak, they now have a new partner who is a regular visitor and in her life a lot as she doesn’t work, This amount was to ensure the children didn’t have to suffer hardship as they moved from a large house, stable situation and private school. She could get a mortgage of 220K to go with the 125K from the sale. A decent house value based on my maintenance payments.

However, following on from our agreement she has moved to buy a 150K house, taken my daughter out of nursery to only be in 2 days instead of the 5 we agreed, Ex has had 7 holidays in 8 months, 5 abroad, is making no effort to get a job and is constantly on holiday or in London on her week away from the children (rents a room in central London as well as the house) as on her weeks off from the children she spends most of it in London or abroad. She is also spending large sums on Botox and fillers and isn’t scared to boast on this to our shared associates.

im feeling very frustrated. I agreed to pay the amount based on the children not suffering. But I see schooling reduced, clothes that are tatty, really poor presentation of them when I collect them and a much worse situation than before for them, However she is “living the best life” in her own words. In my opinion most of the funds are going on her life and the children’s quality when with her is suffering, with no effort being taken to get financial independence or provide stability.

am I over reacting? Or are my concerns valid. I have really tried to be as transparent as I can. Location is the North of England.

on the partner I really hope this person provides her with some happiness and this trickles to the children.

thanks!

Hi
it is a court order. It was agreed through mediation. Not the court. They only signed it off.

Can you go back to court if you’re not happy?

All costs legally would be to her. I can argue the amount in court but would be a 10-15k cost for a saving of 500 a month at most. With the time bound amount it wouldn’t be worth the saving rally. That’s the legal advice.

It’s fixed term 4 years with the amount being variable.

It’s an outrageous settlement! You e been totally screwed over and naive

if it’s spousal you could try for a variation in court

So what did your solicitor advise you to do? Since you said you took legal advice also?

Leave it. But morally I’m finding it difficult to walk away because I feel like she’s lied and taken advantage of my good nature, and my desire to see as a little impact on the children as possible

I just don't get that legal advice. I always thought 50/50. So surely she should just be entitled to split of assets and that's it. Do you know why this spousal maintenance is a thing for you but no one else? Judges have always said they like clear cut divorces then parties to move on.. also once a party is in a new relationship and moves in together then it stops too. The spousal maintenance. I'd just be careful you don't end up inadvertently funding the partner too and children don't get neglected in the crossfire :(

Does the ex take the children with her on holiday? That wouldn't be bad, but if she's ditching them and swanning off that's not very nice

As she didn’t work and has no income other than benefits.
misuse is my earnings. I have money to spare.
It’s a fixed term of 4 years.
she doesn’t take the children. Just her new partner, sister and mother so far.

How she chooses to spend her money (and yes, given that it's agreed by the courts, it is her money) is none of your business. Stop being so involved in what she is spending money on or how expensive her house is. You shouldn't have agreed via mediation if you're going to police every penny.
However, if you think the children aren't being cared for properly while with her that's another matter. Are they really truly in inappropriate clothes and not well kempt? If this isn't more nit picking and you have real honest worries about their welfare then you need to speak to her and / or Children’s services.

Wow she really is taking advantage! Not bothering to take the kids away……..life is one big party…..

however if she was a good mum to the kids when you were together it’s unlikely that she has changed overnight into a bad one

did the solicitor say why you should leave it?

the other thing is that you will have to pay her maintenance even once the four years are up unless you really do keep them with you 50pc of the time

although I can imagine that she will pushback very hard on you and likely thinks you are going to keep paying until they are 18

Hi. Very fair comment. You are right it is her choice, however it was agreed based on wrong / misleading information, I’m not looking to police every penny she spends, just hold her to the reasons she got the amount she has. If someone says I need £3,500 a month to get a mortgage of 195K, then provides a brokers letter to show this, provides a living budget with a mortgage built in of £985 a month and then buys a house worth 150K with no mortgage I think it’s fair to question the agreement.

on the children I am nit picking. It’s not to my standards but isn’t poor care. Personal opinion.

When we were together I thought she was the best mother. Kind, caring, loving, it was me who was ignored. 😅.
but something changed. Her personality is different, I believe in my opinion that she potentially had a little crisis, looked at her life and realised she didn’t want to be a mum full time, hence saying I need to have the children so she can have a life. Then taking a room in London, going on holiday lots and getting with a younger partner. But that’s just my opinion.

Solicitor said Leave it as the savings V effort V legal costs isn’t worth the time. Only way is if I lose my job or have a significant reduction in salary.

Has she ever worked since you have both been together? Does she have any qualifications? What are her reasons for not working?

I don't why you should carry all the financial burden especially that you both have the children 50:50.

She has 2 degrees. She did previously work and made good money. We chose to have her focus on the children but recently I asked when she would return to work so we could do some life planning. Basically she had no intention to return to work.

I have to tell you OP, I think the advice you have had is shit. I am not a lawyer but I have a very good grip of family law as I had to represent myself through very protracted financial proceedings with my ex husband. I was in a position with a disabled child, I couldn't work, yet that wasn't enough for a judge to order spousal. You really should apply for a variation. I cannot believe the court signed this off, I really can't.

With your amount of income which I assume if after tax I assume you also have a pension. Is the equity in lieu of her not taking a share of your pension or car or other savings. You are only paying spousal maintenance for a fixed term which means that she will need to get a job (or other form of income) to pay her mortgage after. Indeed whe she applied perhaps they then said she didn't qualify for such a high mortgage when the income was for a fixed period.

You have said yourself it will cost a lot to take it back to fight what you agreed to. Perhaps if you did she might be entitled to some of the pension you haven't mentioned.

Thank you for the reply. I think I Will ask another solicitor for their opinion also. Someone out of town.

Hi. Thanks for bringing this up as I did forget to mention this. Pensions is only around 25K. Savings were used for the legal fees - literally between mediation 2 sets of lawyers (I had to pay hers) and judges we had nothing left.
We had no other material assets for clarity.

I understand why you feel the way you do. It’s not right what’s happening with the ££ you’re paying. BUT……..

As others have said, you have consented to the agreement and a judge has considered that agreement and felt it represented a “fair” outcome for both parties. There is almost limitless discretion in private family proceedings and “fair” looks very different in different cases.

If everything you pay is spousal maintenance it gets deducted £ for £ from UC claims. She wouldn’t be eligible for any. They only way she would get any, is if she said it was child maintenance. Which of course, would be benefit fraud…..

I think the advice to let sleeping dogs lie is good TBH. You will have to pay up and look happy for the 4 years!!

The one thing to be mindful of is whether your term order for the spousal maintenance has a bar on it. If your order is worded to say it does and that after the 4 year term is up, you have a clean break, that’s good. If it doesn’t she could potentially ask for a variation by way of an extension to the term. That’s when you should start arguing and presenting evidence of what’s actually happening to the ££.

The only other thing would be if she starts to co-habit or re-marry. I think if she re-marries spousal maintenance automatically (legally) ceases. However, what about if she co-habits? I think there’s “rules” around that too? Perhaps that’s your best chance?

Good luck! I know that’s easy to say, but I think you just have to try and move on and put it to the back of your mind. Getting the lawyers in again and going to court will take at least one year and cause you no end of financial and emotional hardship. Life’s too short……

It’s a tough call. I have no control over the money. I get that. However I still think it’s mad that she is able to take holidays, not get a job, have fillers / Botox, buy expensive bags (2k+), spend her spare time in London going out, pay for her family to go on holiday with her, buy a house below what she said she would to get that level of maintenance and leave me with no deposit for a house, no borrowing capacity and feeling let down by her. The worst part is that the children suffer so she can have this life she tells everyone is the best life.

I have some experience of a similar situation. My advice to you (with the benefit of 10 years hindsight) is to focus purely on the kids. Don’t give any thought to what she’s spending on what and when or who she’s going where with. Make sure 100% that the four years is a fixed term (eg what happens if at the end of that period she cannot afford to adequately house the children). Once you’re sure it’s fixed. sit tight while the four years pass (they will).

Spousal maintenance orders are difficult to vary and require a clear change in circumstance of either one of the parties (cohabitation/marriage/job loss/subsequent children).

It’s a totally $%*t state of affairs isn’t it.

I haven’t had the same experience - but a similar one. I have custody of the kids, work full-time, receive no child maintenance, took on the matrimonial debts, lost 75% of the house equity (which I earned all of) and lost half of my pension, whilst they kept all of their’s.

Sometimes you have to make the best of it and move on, for your own sanity. It will ruin you if you don’t.

It sounds like you’re better off without her. And kids aren’t stupid - they will see what’s going on.

You can’t control it and you have very limited options for trying to change it. Focus on you and the kids and what makes you happy and make memories with them. Let her get on with it.

Thank you for the advice. It is a fixed term with no extension.
My solicitor and one of the judges we had in private consultation said if she makes no effort or can’t afford the lifestyle and the difference is so big between us in quality of life for the children (eg I’m earning much higher, can give them a stable and better life / return to private education) then it is possible I would have majority care, he gave several examples where recently the court has ruled in favour of the stronger parent and said in years to come their will be less bias against dads. Also that once they hit 10-14 they may not want to be with her and the court won’t force them to be handed over. I would rather we keep 50/50 as having a mother is important as long as she is able to be in their life she should be. It would be nice to see a little more respect. But that’s life in divorce!