I want to move 35 mins away but ex wants 50/50

[Roccocoo]

Hi there. Divorce applied for and drafting financial order. I want to eventually move 35 mins away from ex to be closer to family and have a fresh new start. I’m currently part time but have seen a new full time job (flexible working) that I may apply for. I want to move with my child and change schools but can I actually do this? Ex won’t be moving and obviously we can’t do 50/50 under this arrangement. Ex works full time and also has flexible working. I desperately need to move away and start again but can I be I stopped? It’s important to me that our child has time with both of us but staying in our current area is not an option for me. Thank you .

ExH moved semi rural, while I have stayed in the city. His journey takes 50/60 mins on a bad day and 35 on a good. It's no issue at all - the kids just eat breakfast in the car on his mornings and read/draw/listen to audio books on the way. He does do quite a bit of driving, but that's because he's back and forth all the time for clubs his semi rural idyll (it is fucking lovely, but with not much on...) can't provide. Other than his petrol costs, there's no issue at all.

I'd not change family set up, home and school in one go. That's an awful lot for a wee one to cope with at once. I'd move, but keep school the same for the while least. Discuss if you could find a good school that works for you both once the dust has settled again.

I agree with this

You could ask if your ex would be happy being the "main" parent, then you could move and see your daughter EOW and once in the week. Would reduce the amount of travelling to be done.

When you say the new job would be flexible, does that include WFH some days? If so, maybe it won't be so bad to do the commute?

I also I guess think you're not that far away from your family as it is - if your family aren't supporting you when they are only half an hour away, are they going to be any better if you're 10 mins away?

Is there specific language about moving in any child access agreement? I'm in the US and often there is language with stated parameters. BFF's was that she was not allowed to move the child 'out of the county', but it was a huge county so that gave her plenty of leeway as far as moving to where she didn't run into him or any of his family.

From my (US) perspective 35 minutes via motorway (freeway?) is nothing at all, but I'm used to freeway driving and 35 minutes (so 40 miles?) is not a long drive. I don't see why 50/50 wouldn't work.

The only issue as far as I can see is the change of schools. Does your Ex have to agree to it (as in is it in your agreement)? First thing I'd do is discuss with my DC how happy they are at their current school AND the quality of the school in question. Then I'd take it from there as far as whether or not changing schools would be wise. If they don't want to leave then I'd take to them as to whether or not they'll be content with having to get up earlier to do the longer commute on the 50% they're with me in order to stay where they are.

Will it actually he 30 mins in rush hour? 20 mins away seems ok. Seeing as you have a choice of schools, which is better for your dd? Possibly move first then see how you get on? If your ex is wfh, 40 mins round trip commute to take and collect your dd doesn’t seem too bad. Would you manage to do the commute if you kept your dd at the original school? Don’t downplay how hard it can be to change schools so young.

Tbh the best solution if possible would be to move as close as possible to your parents within catchment of the feeder secondary school. I know it’s a long way off right now and catchment could potentially change in that time. But it’s a thought.

Ex won’t be moving and obviously we can’t do 50/50 under this arrangement.

I don't see the obviously. Just do it and travel more? I used to have a 1hr45 min one way commute and I certainly wasn't the only one where I worked. Plenty of people have 1hr+ commutes, this is normal. Just find a job very close to your or his home and you'll be fine.

Is your family network 35 minutes away? That really isn’t far. How much do you see them now?

I moved 30 minutes away so we could easily do 50/50. I have to leave at 8 rather than 8.30 to do the school run. I'm really failing to see the issue here.

So your family is only 35 minutes away? That's really close!

I think you're being unreasonable in suggesting moving schools.

Whether you stay living in your current area, or move nearer to your family, your child should stay at the same school.

If you do move, and move your child's school, your ex would absolutely reasonable to insist that you do all the driving, including taking her to school on his 50% of the time.

Can you explain why you think you can't do 50-50 if you live 35 minutes away?

It would be easier if you lived close by as PP said it would mean your daughter could have more freedom as she gets older to move between houses but if you're half an hour away there's no reason why she'd need to change schools or not have equal time with her.

I do not think you moving 35 mins away is a massive problem necessarily. But it is YOU moving. You should not disrupt the child. Obviously you can and should split custody. But it is your responsibility to do the travelling. They will have playdates etc, or eventually want to hang out with friends. I would want to live close to their friends for that reason.

We did 45 mins for the school run, so 3 hours a day. It became unsustainable once DC were excluded from certain things due to distance.

If it is unsustainable for your familiy, you should lose out, not your ex. You are making this decision.

I really thought v carefully about having children as I live nowhere near my family. I knew that I was choosing never to move home, because this is where my children live. So this is where I live.

This is how it should be.