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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

I want to move 35 mins away but ex wants 50/50

63 replies

Roccocoo · 15/02/2023 14:44

Hi there. Divorce applied for and drafting financial order. I want to eventually move 35 mins away from ex to be closer to family and have a fresh new start. I’m currently part time but have seen a new full time job (flexible working) that I may apply for. I want to move with my child and change schools but can I actually do this? Ex won’t be moving and obviously we can’t do 50/50 under this arrangement. Ex works full time and also has flexible working. I desperately need to move away and start again but can I be I stopped? It’s important to me that our child has time with both of us but staying in our current area is not an option for me. Thank you .

OP posts:
Eastereggsboxedupready · 15/02/2023 16:10

Midway through cao Court hearings I moved 45 mins away. Wasn't even an issue at all. Or trust me exh would have made it one.

Boringcookingquestion · 15/02/2023 16:12

Just to give a perspective from the child’s side:

My parents split up when I was little but both chose to remain in the local area until I’d left home. I’m so so grateful that they did this.

Because they lived close to one another, I was able to have a great relationship with both my mum and dad without having to sacrifice clubs and time with friends… my life carried on as normal regardless of which house I was at and that was so important to me growing up. Plus I didn’t have to spend my down time travelling to and from each house each week.

PasturesN3w · 15/02/2023 16:16

35 minutes away is no distance, that is still local in the scheme of things. If it’s where you can find work and get support from family, especially for childcare (saving money, so financial need) then those are legit reasons. And if ex is working quite a lot of the time then they can drive over to collect, it’s not too far for you to drop off either, or you could meet in the middle which is no distance at all. If what you end up with is also more affordable, then that is an excellent reason for going.

ChatInMyFlat · 15/02/2023 16:27

I'm moved 30 minutes from my DC's school. They stayed at the school. Could you do the same ?

Strictly1 · 15/02/2023 16:31

I don’t think they should change schools too - that is for your convenience and not in the best interests of the child unless there is a back story.

MyriadOfTravels · 15/02/2023 16:34

35 mins away isn’t that far. I was travelling much more as a child to get to school.

The problem you will have is where school will be. Close to him or close to you? Because if you have a 50/50 arrangement, you’re not ‘taking your dd with you’ iyswim. Her home will be yours AND her dad.

DarkShade · 15/02/2023 16:35

Is there any way you could move in the middle, so it's 15/20 minute's? That way same school.

Original poster
Roccocoo · 15/02/2023 16:37

Thanks everyone. It’s 35 mins on the motorway. I could move 20 mins away, there is a town that I’ve always liked. I understand re school and upheaval, but she is only in year 1 and I would say not particularly happy there although plodding along fine. There’s obviously 5 more years of primary school.

OP posts:
MyriadOfTravels · 15/02/2023 16:38

@Boringcookingquestion thats the usual question in those cases.
Clearly staying out and close together was great for you.

But it won’t be for everyone. Not when it means mum can’t work because she has no support network. Not when they two parents dint get in at all. Not when mum gets depressed etc….

Finding the balance between the needs of the child and the needs of they parent (as well as the impact this will have in the child if those needs aren’t met) is always hard.

ThisGirlNever · 15/02/2023 16:38

This seems very selfish and I don't think you're properly considering the best interests of your child.

bellac11 · 15/02/2023 16:41

If 35 mins is so close and not a problem at all, why move. Commute to your new job from there and travel to or get family to travel to you if its such a short distance.

Original poster
Roccocoo · 15/02/2023 16:42

It’s just so hard isn’t it. My ex has all his family nearby, working from home, he will be fine where he is, but I can’t bear the thought of being trapped in the same area with no family or friends to support me. I know it’s not ideal moving school. I just feel this is my chance to create a new life, a fresh start. But understand the implications for my child. The pain is that I would have to drive past my work by some distance to get the existing school, then back again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Roccocoo · 15/02/2023 16:45

I always knew it was going to be difficult perhaps why I’ve stayed put in an awful marriage for 5 years 😣

OP posts:
LondonQueen · 15/02/2023 16:45

35 minutes is easily doable. Just keep in mind that when they get older and want more independence. how easy is it to get from yours to ex's via public transport?

Ponderingwindow · 15/02/2023 16:48

Unless there is an incredibly compelling need to move away, both parents should be arranging their lives so that they can be active participants in the child’s daily life. The child’s commute on dad’s school mornings needs to be considered equally.

ManchesterGirl2 · 15/02/2023 16:49

If you are amicable, I'd seriously think about the benefits of living close to ex for her as she grows. If she forgets something important she can pop back for it. Contact can be more flexible (e.g. pop round for tea then back to the other parent), and she'll be able to move between the houses independently. Her friends, clubs and school will be close by to both mum and dad's house.

Reugny · 15/02/2023 16:54

35 minutes is nothing.

If housing is cheaper and schools are the same/better then be aware your ex may also move in a couple of years. I know people whose exs have including with new spouse and children.

MyriadOfTravels · 15/02/2023 16:55

Roccocoo · 15/02/2023 16:42

It’s just so hard isn’t it. My ex has all his family nearby, working from home, he will be fine where he is, but I can’t bear the thought of being trapped in the same area with no family or friends to support me. I know it’s not ideal moving school. I just feel this is my chance to create a new life, a fresh start. But understand the implications for my child. The pain is that I would have to drive past my work by some distance to get the existing school, then back again.

Would it works better to move close to work instead?

It would give you the break you need, closer to family but no more to travel than if you stay where you are.

Cocobutt · 15/02/2023 16:55

but I can’t bear the thought of being trapped in the same area with no family or friends to support me.

Why did you live there in the first place?

I think it’s absolutely fine to move 30mins away and hopefully your ex will understand your reasons.

You will be expected to do the majority of the travelling though.

MichelleScarn · 15/02/2023 16:56

Is the work place you'd have to drive past your current post, or the one you hope to get?

Cocobutt · 15/02/2023 16:58

If you are amicable, I'd seriously think about the benefits of living close to ex for her as she grows. If she forgets something important she can pop back for it. Contact can be more flexible (e.g. pop round for tea then back to the other parent), and she'll be able to move between the houses independently. Her friends, clubs and school will be close by to both mum and dad's house.

This is very true!

It could be that he is more supportive and useful than your family, who all have their own busy lives.

Your family are only 30mins away so it’s not like they are far if you ever do need them.

MichelleScarn · 15/02/2023 16:58

And am sorry, but if your ex has lots of supportive family close by would it not be detrimental to move your daughter away from them? Do you see your family a lot just now? Do they/you visit and Dd have a good relationship with them?

Marblessolveeverything · 15/02/2023 17:02

I am sorry and maybe I am missing a bit - but why cant you remain - less change for your child and you travel the 35 minutes to your supports? Surely that makes more sense?

My experience was when my relationship broke down to keep as many things constant as possible - home - had to change but stayed in area so school stayed the same. Yes I would have liked a fresh start but I figured my travel time /inconvenience wasn't equal to them loosing their anchors. She may not be enamoured with the school but most children find a change of schools unsettling.

Original poster
Roccocoo · 15/02/2023 17:03

Cocobutt · 15/02/2023 16:55

but I can’t bear the thought of being trapped in the same area with no family or friends to support me.

Why did you live there in the first place?

I think it’s absolutely fine to move 30mins away and hopefully your ex will understand your reasons.

You will be expected to do the majority of the travelling though.

I originally moved to the current area im in because of work. Then we bought a house and had our child. Obviously since covid it’s been easier to find flexible working and work from home.
Ex has supportive family literally 10 mins round the corner. Mine are supportive too but we see them less just because of the proximity. I’ve never felt settled where I am, no friends, and now his family hate me because i instigated divorce. I could get a house closer to my family, or a flat in the existing area. I’m just trying to think that this is maybe my last chance to buy given my age and last chance to make a life for myself etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
Roccocoo · 15/02/2023 17:04

MichelleScarn · 15/02/2023 16:56

Is the work place you'd have to drive past your current post, or the one you hope to get?

The one I’m hoping to get. Obviously I may not.

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