Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

What is child maintenance for

58 replies

Farfromthemaddingcrow · 10/02/2023 18:16

I’ve been divorced about 15 months. DC is 6, lives with me and EOW with his dad. He is a very high earner. Pays the amount the child maintenance calculator tells him to but not a penny more.

DC would like to go horse riding and the local stables offer a 6 week course on a Saturday afternoon.

I messaged DC dad to ask if he would take him and pay for the days when it’s his weekend with him. I thought it was a reasonable request but got a long diatribe back by email saying how unfair I’m being and how I should pay for activities from child maintenance even when DC is with his dad.

i Am questioning myself now, should child maintenance cover all activities a child does including the ones when he’s not with me? (In which case why has DCs dad never billed me for taking him for days out or meals etc on his weekends?) it doesn’t make sense to me but he has form for emotionally abusive coercive behaviour.

I pay for everything when I have DC, school trips, clubs etc just not the stuff when he’s with his Dad.

thanks In advance

OP posts:
LittleOwl153 · 10/02/2023 18:20

He will be getting his maintenance reduced because of the overnights the child does with him - because he has to cover the costs of those days... of course you are not responsible for the costs of things he does with his dad - he could bill younger all sorts!

He doesn't have to agree to take him / paymfor him on your time but it isn't your responsibility. Sounds like he is trying it on again (and will no doubt tell your son that mummy wouldn't let him go riding!)

SpinningFloppa · 10/02/2023 18:22

its all he legally has to pay you can ask for extras but he can say no and legally you aren’t entitled to any more

Original poster
Farfromthemaddingcrow · 10/02/2023 18:29

No, I’m not asking for him to pay me. I’m asking if he’d be prepared to take him horse riding and pay for the lessons on his days. I’d obviously pay for those on my days.

i am suspicious that the lecture about how hard his life is because he pays me maintenance (despite earning 6 figures) is to justify that he doesn’t want pay for the lessons.

OP posts:
Original poster
Farfromthemaddingcrow · 10/02/2023 18:30

Roughly every 2-3 weeks he tries something like this.

OP posts:
taxpayer1 · 10/02/2023 18:31

It is an optional activity. He doesn't have to pay if he doesn't want to. If you want your daughter to do horse riding, you need to pay for it yourself. CMS is all he has to pay legally. Not a penny more. Is that enough? That depends on his salary.

Pipersouth · 10/02/2023 18:37

From the other parents point of view I can see him saying no taking him because he hasn’t chosen to do this - you have. Yes it’d be lovely if he take them to hobbies but you can’t force him and he might want to spend their time together differently. Your choice becomes your bill unless he’s happy to pay it.

Starlightstarbright1 · 10/02/2023 18:40

Ok if he is a very high earner you are getting a decent amount of maintenance.

No you don't have to pay for activities on his time but you are asking him to commit to something for Dd so yes i would pay. If he decides to do anything with Dd on his time that is his choice

Original poster
Farfromthemaddingcrow · 10/02/2023 18:40

Yea it’s ok if he doesn’t want to do it, that’s why I just asked. I’m not dictating anything. But then he should just say, actually I’d rather not instead of making up some BS excuse about how i should pay.

I didn’t choose the activity my DS chose it himself.

OP posts:
mrsm43s · 10/02/2023 18:40

He has to pay for activities on his days. However HE gets to choose and arrange those activities. Frankly it's cheeky for you to think you can arrange something on his days, and then expect him to pay for it. You choose, arrange and pay for activities on YOUR days only.

PenguinsandHippos · 10/02/2023 18:43

Speak to the riding stables and see if they offer fortnightly classes, then you can take your child on your weeks.

JussathoB · 10/02/2023 18:45

mrsm43s · 10/02/2023 18:40

He has to pay for activities on his days. However HE gets to choose and arrange those activities. Frankly it's cheeky for you to think you can arrange something on his days, and then expect him to pay for it. You choose, arrange and pay for activities on YOUR days only.

Cheeky for asking? OP is asking to try and find out/understand. And if the activity is once a week at weekends and DC do EOW does that mean children of divorced parents can never attend such an activity? Lots of sports etc are every weekend

CatJumperTwat · 10/02/2023 18:48

He's responsible for all costs incurred during his contact times. So no, his maintenance doesn't cover horse riding during his times and you were entirely reasonable. His response was within the law but not reasonable.

Theunamedcat · 10/02/2023 18:53

Just because he doesn't "have" to pay doesn't mean it wouldn't be nice for him to pay for an activity his child enjoys honestly he is putting his child at the bottom of the pile by doing this fucking learn some priorities

MintJulia · 10/02/2023 18:54

It's easy op. You take your dc riding on your days. If your ex wants to be a tight fisted arse, his child will very soon work that out.

Kids generally see things for what they are.

FlippyFloppyShoe · 10/02/2023 18:55

@JussathoB yep that's right if you have an awkward other parent the DC often can't do things that others can because they either get demotivated by being behind their peers/friendships as don't feel part of it when only part time at the activity or the other parent refuses to take them or starts manipulating the child by saying things like 'do you really want to go to this?' or such like.
Eventually the child gives up.
I'm surprised that you are surprised by this.

JussathoB · 10/02/2023 19:00

CatJumperTwat · 10/02/2023 18:48

He's responsible for all costs incurred during his contact times. So no, his maintenance doesn't cover horse riding during his times and you were entirely reasonable. His response was within the law but not reasonable.

Thank you for clarifying this. I can see it really only works if the divorced parents can agree.
I guess the way forward at the moment is to see if the activity could be done fortnightly as another poster suggested…

Original poster
Farfromthemaddingcrow · 10/02/2023 19:03

I never really thought about this situation for the children of divorced parents. You’re right they won’t get the same chances.

I just feel sad for my DC that he won’t get the same chances as the other kids in the class.

OP posts:
Original poster
Farfromthemaddingcrow · 10/02/2023 19:05

Yes I think I’ll ask the lady who runs the course if she can be flexible and accommodate a child who can only attend alternate weeks.

OP posts:
AHelpfulHand · 10/02/2023 19:08

How much maintenance do you get each month?

if he’s earning 6 figures then it will be well over a grand each month.

if this is the case, everything should come out of that money, plus your contribution too

Cakeandcardio · 10/02/2023 19:11

He can say no to paying. That's his choice. Just like it's his choice to be a shit father and husband. It doesn't mean it's right.

JussathoB · 10/02/2023 19:32

FlippyFloppyShoe · 10/02/2023 18:55

@JussathoB yep that's right if you have an awkward other parent the DC often can't do things that others can because they either get demotivated by being behind their peers/friendships as don't feel part of it when only part time at the activity or the other parent refuses to take them or starts manipulating the child by saying things like 'do you really want to go to this?' or such like.
Eventually the child gives up.
I'm surprised that you are surprised by this.

I’m older generation so not that up do date on how some things work nowadays. I’m learning

vivainsomnia · 11/02/2023 12:05

It all depends on how much you do get in maintenance really. On the basis that should both contribute half, does his maintenance amount to more than half? If so I think it is indeed fair that you should pay it all.

Viviennemary · 11/02/2023 12:08

Legally he doesnt have tp pay. Drpends how much maintenance you are getting as to whether he should morally be obliged to pay.IMHO.

Suedomin · 11/02/2023 12:13

*Frankly it's cheeky for you to think you can arrange something on his days, and then expect him to pay for it. You choose, arrange and pay for activities on YOUR days only."
Why is it cheeky the child asked to do lessons. Presumably the lessons take place very week so if the father is not willing to take him on his says he will have to miss every other lesson.

Confusedteacher · 11/02/2023 12:17

AHelpfulHand · 10/02/2023 19:08

How much maintenance do you get each month?

if he’s earning 6 figures then it will be well over a grand each month.

if this is the case, everything should come out of that money, plus your contribution too

@AHelpfulHand it doesn’t matter how much she is getting, the principle is the same.

OP, unfortunately he doesn’t have to pay any extra. My exH can be like this. I have always paid for all their extra curricular activities, uniform etc, I gave up asking for extra as I get the answer “that’s what I pay you for”. He agreed to split the cost of school trips when I made the point that yes it’s an extra and not an essential, but I couldn’t afford the whole thing on my own, so if he wouldn’t split it she couldn’t go.

My DH on the other hand pays more than he has to for CM and half the cost of school uniform and extra curricular activities. But some men are decent and some are just dickheads.

Swipe left for the next trending thread