Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

What is child maintenance for

58 replies

Farfromthemaddingcrow · 10/02/2023 18:16

I’ve been divorced about 15 months. DC is 6, lives with me and EOW with his dad. He is a very high earner. Pays the amount the child maintenance calculator tells him to but not a penny more.

DC would like to go horse riding and the local stables offer a 6 week course on a Saturday afternoon.

I messaged DC dad to ask if he would take him and pay for the days when it’s his weekend with him. I thought it was a reasonable request but got a long diatribe back by email saying how unfair I’m being and how I should pay for activities from child maintenance even when DC is with his dad.

i Am questioning myself now, should child maintenance cover all activities a child does including the ones when he’s not with me? (In which case why has DCs dad never billed me for taking him for days out or meals etc on his weekends?) it doesn’t make sense to me but he has form for emotionally abusive coercive behaviour.

I pay for everything when I have DC, school trips, clubs etc just not the stuff when he’s with his Dad.

thanks In advance

OP posts:

TheSnowyOwl · 11/02/2023 20:34

Legally it’s CM and no more. Morally is a different story.

Confusedteacher · 11/02/2023 20:39

vivainsomnia · 11/02/2023 20:15

He's paying the absolute bare minimum abd probably only because thats what hes been told he needs to pay
So say he pays £1000 a month maintenance and OP gets £1000 in maintenance and say £500 working, and the child all monthly costs with OP comes to £800, does it really making him a crap father for saying that maintenance should pay for activities. Or should mum use the extra for nice new clothes?

It seems obvious to me that whatever he pays makes a big difference.

Firstly, where did you get £1000 a month from, secondly how does that make a difference?!

Any activities during the NRP’s weekend they should pay for. The OP has asked (not told, asked) the NRP if he will pay for an activity that the DC wants to do on his weekend. The NRP is saying that OP should pay for it. So he’s happy for the child to do the activity on his weekend, he just doesn’t want to pay for it.

The OP doesn’t really have an option for the e child to only do it on her weekends, it’s a weekly activity.

PeekAtYou · 11/02/2023 22:02

Confusedteacher · 11/02/2023 19:28

@PeekAtYou it’s not something tie OP ‘would
like’ her DC to do, it’s something he has asked to do, and half the lessons fall on exH’s weekends. She is just passing the message on from her child that he wants to do something in his contact weekend, and asking him to support that.

Show quote history

I meant that OP agrees that her sons request is reasonable so would like him to do it. Just because the son wants to do something, it doesn't mean that the parents can or should always agree to it.

If you read stories on here, many don't like it when exes organise activities like sport during their time because it can be a way to control their exes. I'm not saying that you are being controlling but the general rule is that dad's time should be decided by him.

Hadtochangeforthisone · 11/02/2023 22:36

Of course it's reasonable to ask.
He is within his rights to say no.
If he says yes then it's his to pay for as maintenance is calculated on the number of nights your child is with his father and reduced for those days - as he is expected to cover those costs. Which include activities on his days.

My DH ex wife used to do this as well - but with the big difference of not asking us first. She would book the youngest into gymnastics classes back at their home town on Saturday mornings .. 40 minutes away - when we would only have picked them up on Friday. She would then expect DH to put all 4 of his kids back in the car 40 mins to watch 6 yr old prance around for 45 minutes before getting back in the car and drive 40 minutes back. There was no doubt that this was designed to interrupt and disrupt our family weekend with his and my kids.
We refused . She took us back to court. The judge ruled that no parent with contact had the right to dictate activities whilst the children were with the other parent. She had to change the gym to Wednesdays and gave up after 6 weeks.

Get him a weekly lesson on a Tuesday or Wednesday after school and pay for it out of maintenance if really interested . Everyone lives.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 11/02/2023 22:41

vivainsomnia · 11/02/2023 12:05

It all depends on how much you do get in maintenance really. On the basis that should both contribute half, does his maintenance amount to more than half? If so I think it is indeed fair that you should pay it all.

That’s not the basis of maintenance.

The NRP pays a proportional amount to their salary so that the child gets a lifestyle proportional to both parents income in both homes

Its absolutely not meant to simply be half

vivainsomnia · 11/02/2023 22:42

Firstly, where did you get £1000 a month from, secondly how does that make a difference?!
I was given an example when the nrp is likely paying significantly more than what a child cost each month.

Child maintenance is based on a percentage of the parent’s income. It is based on what he can afford. It is there to help towards all of the costs related to the child while they are with the resident parent
Nothing says that maintenance is only for costs occurred during their days with the resident parent. It's absolutely acceptable that an nrp that already pays a very large amount considers that it should include anything extra including activity during their time.

Or are you saying that he should pay even more towards the child for an activity arranged by mum and mum gets to spend whatever is unused from the maintenance for herself?

It is fair to ask to pay extra when maintenance only pays 50% of essential costs. It isn't so much when maintenance is much more than 50% of total costs including luxuries .

If OP said how much she received, it would help form a better view.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 11/02/2023 22:45

If OP said how much she received, it would help form a better view.

No it wouldn’t. It’s absolutely irrelevant.

CM is a contribution toward every day living costs for the child whilst they are with the RP.

It’s not meant for costs whilst they are with the NRP - that’s why there’s is deductions for time with them. They’re already getting an amount allocated for those nights.

Confusedteacher · 11/02/2023 22:57

The idea is that the NRP gives a percentage of their income, that way it’s fair regardless of whether the NRP works in Tesco or is a city banker. Or are you suggesting all NRPs should
pay the same?!

For example, if the NRP is a very high earner on a six figure salary and then parents split up, it isn’t fair on the child that their lifestyle suddenly drops massively. The money is to, for example, keep paying the mortgage or rent in the kind of area that someone on a six figure salary might be living in. To be honest the RP can spend the money on whatever the hell they like, they have no obligation to justify it to the NRP, as long as the child is cared for and housed, clothes fed etc.

And no one is saying the NRP has to pay for the bloody horse riding lessons!! Just that the OP is not unreasonable to ask him to split the cost of the lessons, given that it’s an activity the DC has asked to do, and half of them fall on his weekends.

Flip

1 2 3