How to separate without destroying everything

[Freeflight]

Long story short I told my husband at the start of Jan that I wanted his move to the spare room to be more permanent and that I just didn’t see a way back for us. We get along really well but I have no sexual attraction or desire for any form of intimacy with him anymore after his previous disgressions.

Since I said this, very little has changed. I am under no illusion that financial it isn’t viable for us to sell the house and move. Neither of us earns enough to buy the other out and with current mortgage prices and us both being on less than £30k we couldn’t get a mortgage to afford anywhere right now.
As we currently get along better than we have in a long time, I am ok with this for now as is he as we want to keep things as routine as possible for the kids.

My question is more about how to move forward at a pace that works for us both.
I want to enable him to come to terms what is happening as I am instigating the separation, but I don’t want it to be dragged out.
I have started to tell people ie friends, family, close colleagues etc. He has told no one (although his family were aware we were having issues)
He doesn’t want the kids to know and I think he will leave it as late as possible to tell them. I don’t want him to be pushed into telling them as I think that will give the kids a vibe that they will pick up on, but I don’t want them to either find out from someone else or realise that we’ve hidden it from them as I want them to see it as a positive step (less arguments, happier home etc) even though I know that’s a long term aim and initially it will be shit.)

I guess I feel a little in limbo because I am way further along in coming to terms with what is happening, but he is still in that shock/upset phase. I know it’s important to not rush him, to not end up rushing myself, but to also not “stand still” and then question if it’s easier just to stay as we are until the kids have grown up (I don’t want this)

Ideas would be so helpful right now.

Can I just check, is the plan to separate but not divorce and continue to live together indefinitely?

Do absolutely nothing for him - no meals, laundry etc. You need to be living separate lives under the same roof. Doing anything for him is implicitly accepting his behaviour.

Any could delay any subsequent divorce.

Although less relevant now with “no fault” divorces.

@GoldDuster i would intend to separate properly and live separately when we are able to. And then the plan would be to divorce.
I would like to move on with our lives and coparent well.
I am not desperate to rush this though and would like both of us to be in a position to be able to sell and get our own place, but currently the housing market is non existent locally, mortgages would be way too high for what is available etc.
Id like to have a bit of a timeframe planned out ie when we’d tell the kids, when we’d aim to live separately.

Realistically, though, when do you expect the mortgage/house prices/living separately issue to be resolved? It doesn’t sound like a short-term issue. How old are your DC?

@NoSquirrels dc are 9 and 3 and I don’t really know a timeframe tbh. I know very few people who have separated and if they have it’s been very traumatic where any form of relationship has completely disintegrated and they can’t stand each other, which is not the same situation as we are in.
We get on well, like housemates, keeping the house running, parenting etc, but a marriage with no desire/intimacy is not something I wish for long term.

I don't understand how this would work OP. As soon as you start to progress the divorce, you'll be told to conclude the financials before the divorce is finalised. How will that work if you're still financially tied together? What happens when you start dating eventually? It's also a messy headfuck for the dc if you're not careful.

@LoveMAFS this is what I want to avoid. I don’t want it to get complicated for the kids and whereas at the moment things are very smooth I am aware how quickly that could disintegrate.
We have very different ideas of when the kids should be told (he is probably still in denial and hoping it goes away???)but I have read a lot about not forcing the other person to do it if they are still coming to terms with what is happening as children pick up on that and see that straight away you aren’t a team.

I think I’ve spent the best part of 5 years being aware that this time might come and am emotionally more grown up than he is so am able to process my feelings better too so I’m very conscious not to “push” too hard and fast as I genuinely still love him in some form.

I would also anticipate a full separation (of finances and no longer living together) before we divorced

I think if you’re going to stay in the same house, co-parenting, you need to be really careful what and how you tell the DC. It’s going to be almost impossible for them not to find it confusing.

Then you also won’t really be able to move on in the sense of dating other people, because that will be a whole can of worms if you stay living together.

Whilst it may seem financially ruinous, I think ultimately you both need to accept that’s the real situation and move forward with splitting households.

If you are sleeping in separate rooms, surely the kids will pick up on this? Also, as pp said, you need to stop doing his cooking, washing etc. You could end up in a situation where he has all his home comforts and is dating - what then?

@NoSquirrels @unsync at the moment the kids think we sleep separately due to his snoring, but I have no doubt that at least the 9 year old will have consciously picked up on things, the 3 year old probably not so much but I think his behaviour was impacted.
Funnily we are much more settled now, get along better, less arguments and the kids behave better as we are now compared to before.

Honestly, I’d love him to start dating as then I would feel less crap about ending the marriage and it would make it easier to just have a clean break.
And I understand the cooking and cleaning bits, but our house isn’t big enough to live separate lives completely so we are working in stages.
I also don’t want to be using money running the washing machine/oven etc to do things separately if we can hold off and be amicable for now.
Would you suggest that should be the first step though.
Is it tell the kids
Then start separating washing/cooking/shopping etc, do you have set days where you cook for the kids and do their washing or take it in turns or……
I guess I am trying to keep things moving, but not so fast that he isn’t playing as a team because he is still in shock, and don’t know if there is an order to do things in.

I have contacted a mortgage broker to ask them to look into my options as then I can keep an eye on when properties start to come up within that price range so I am taking steps in the background too.

Should add that I don’t do all cooking and washing. Well not anymore. After years and years of feeling the weight of it all and saying how he needed to do more,he finally does. Alas, too late.

Huh. As someone who separated 16 years ago and, I think, has done so with as little damage to my kids as possible (this is what they say - they're 18 and 20 now) I really disagree with most of the previous posts. (The one saying 'don't do anything for him and ignore him' is particularly damaging advice IMO.)

One thing I wanted to do when we separated was sell the family home and buy two flats next door to each other or in the same building. I understand mortgage rates are awful right now but might be one to consider in the future if you are getting on well.

If there's no abuse, it is possible to co-parent with more than the bare minimum of snippy toleration for each other. We share birthday celebrations, christmases, family meals, exam celebrations, weekends away with my ex. When the kids were little he was the first person I asked to babysit if I needed to go out. He's still very close to my dad. He has a key to my house and turns up unannounced. He is their dad and when I decided I wanted to separate I promised myself (given the misery my decision was inflicting on my kids) that I would not only never stand in the way of their relationship, I would proactively take steps to strengthen it as much as I could. This meant welcoming him, proactively including him in the family unit, cutting him some slack (for the first few years he didn't pay as much child maintenance as he should have done. I was able to let it slide, so I did.)

16 years later the boys are happy and content, have a good relationship with both of us, and know that when it comes to their wellbeing me and their dad act in partnership. They see this happening too at joint meals - they see me inviting him to things, him paying for my dinner when we go out - I think seeing it is really important.

As to when and what to tell them - I think I'd be upfront. Daddy and I aren't a couple any more (your 9 year old will know what this means, your younger one might need some explanation) but for now we're going to carry on living together as a family. We both love you very much, none of this is your fault, and we will do everything we can do make the situation ok for you. And keep checking in with them as the weeks and months go by to see how they're feeling. It's slightly tricky because the situation is open-ended, which isn't ideal for young kids. But my honest belief and experience is that if you both really commit to doing what's best for the kids, you can make it work. Nobody thought I would end up with such a good relationship with my ex. They were wrong, I was right. Because I really 100% committed to what I was going to do.

(The downside was I didn't date for five years I'm afraid!)

I'd sit with this a little bit longer before you push to seperate but continue to live together as housemates for an indefinite period.

It could be possible, if you are both on the same page and have full and equal levels of acceptance that the marriage is over, that it will be best for all of you to split and start seeing other people (this sounds like no big deal until random knickers that aren't yours appear in your laundry basket) and are willing to work together and commit to making the massive shift that this will entail, from husband and wife, to housemates with lovers.

Having seperated with my exH, who then refused to move out or agree to sell the house for almost two years, during which things disintegrated beyond what I might have imagined possible, I'm definitely coming at it from a different angle to @PacificState who did the job I had wanted to do!

It does sound like maybe you're not quite on the same page as your OH currently, and with no end date or plan to actually move forward it would take a lot of management in order for the children not to get caught up in a mess.

I personally think if you're feeling a big push to end the marriage, you need to follow through, not aim for half way. That way confusion lies.

To add as I might not have been clear, just didn't want you to get stuck with the worst of both worlds, doing everything still. If he is pulling his weight now and helping, albeit too late to save the marriage, and things are still amicable, then just go at a speed you feel comfortable with. Just keep moving forward. 🌻

i think you’re making. Mistake personally

its confusing for all, especially kids who won’t really see you as separated
i think you’re extending the time to recovery and new nornal
what happens when one of you starts dating wtc

better to rip the plaster off and think / plan how to financially separate and live independently in my view

I can totally see sharing the same space must be a very difficult thing to do. We didn't do that when we separated, but ex had enough money to rent a flat - I had nothing (I wasn't working and we weren't married, so no spousal maintenance). So for a while I thought we might end up doing that. I'm sure it would have added loads of difficulty! As I said, my personal preference was to sell the house and buy two flats very near each other so that the kids could move freely between them, but ex was very upset and wanted a clean break.

Also agree with just sitting with the decision for a while (although I think your nine year old might need and deserve an explanation). Sounds like your DH is like mine was - very upset and shocked. He deserves some time to get past that initial response too. My ex didn't behave brilliantly for the first year or so and at times I thought it was hopeless. One of my biggest learnings was that he really needed some time to process what was happening, and to see that my intentions were genuine and consistent so that he could start to trust me again in the new relationship we were building.

You are never going to not have a relationship with your kids' father. The question is whether it's a very good one, an ok one, or a bad one.

@PacificState sounds ideal, I know a couple that have done this, with flats in the same building, and it has worked well.

OP when you say you want to seperate without destroying everything, do you mean practically, so moving house, a drop in living standards etc?

Unfortunately, you can't make a divorce omelette without breaking a lot of eggs, you've got to make the big change, and go through it, in order to get the big change you're looking for, but it is on the other side of some fairly major upheval.

I think you're more likely to end up with a big old mess if you try and split up with him and encourage him to date, and live as housemates without a definite end date. Humans don't do well in limbo, and the scope for distruction there is pretty big.

Thanks everyone.
The dream is definitely what you have accomplished @PacificState
My dream would be to win the lottery and have a large house where we live in separate wings but have communal space.
There is no abuse, he was unfaithful, but it was a long time ago and took me a long time to process and realise what I needed to do. I am fine with it now, but he is struggling. I am not angry anymore, hurt, and can see the damage it did to me as a person, but I am aware he made a bad mistake. Unfortunately I'll never be able to move past it which is where it leaves us separating.
Kids are top priority for both of us and I definitely want to encourage their relationship as much as I can. I don't hate him at all. Just it's not a romantic love any more.
I'm aiming for the best scenario but well aware that might not be the outcome.
Really appreciate all comments from all sides as it fills me with knowledge which can only be a good thing.

It's definitely not an easy time, @Freeflight and the guilt is a big one.

This stood out to me from your post

I’d love him to start dating as then I would feel less crap about ending the marriage and it would make it easier to just have a clean break.

I understand the sentiment there, but could you work on dealing with the guilt you feel about the marriage ending in order for you to acheive the clean break you're looking for? In reality, him starting dating especially given his prior infidelity won't necessasrily be the walk in the park you think, it just feels like an out to you. You can grant yourself that out, too.

Trying to end the marriage softly softly, to create the least impact... the outcome is the same. Might be much easier and cause less damage in the long run to square up to it.

@GoldDuster thats probably a really good idea. I know deep down that this isn't a failure, we had 2 beautiful kids and had some happy and memorable times. It is just a phase in our life that is coming to an end.
I think it is because he always refers back to the fact that this isn't what he wants so then the guilt kicks in as I am aware I am moving him towards something he doesn't want (I am aware of the hilarity of that comment as if he hadn't been unfaithful we wouldnt be here now, but I think because it was a long time ago he assumed that we were over it)

Would it be possible to buy 2 flats or divide a house. ive often seen them advertised in my low price range.

@Sunriseinwonderland it definitely isn't something I had in my head before but it is now. I want us to maintain a family feel as much as is humanly possible to give the kids our time and love.