How to separate without destroying everything

[Freeflight]

Long story short I told my husband at the start of Jan that I wanted his move to the spare room to be more permanent and that I just didn’t see a way back for us. We get along really well but I have no sexual attraction or desire for any form of intimacy with him anymore after his previous disgressions.

Since I said this, very little has changed. I am under no illusion that financial it isn’t viable for us to sell the house and move. Neither of us earns enough to buy the other out and with current mortgage prices and us both being on less than £30k we couldn’t get a mortgage to afford anywhere right now.
As we currently get along better than we have in a long time, I am ok with this for now as is he as we want to keep things as routine as possible for the kids.

My question is more about how to move forward at a pace that works for us both.
I want to enable him to come to terms what is happening as I am instigating the separation, but I don’t want it to be dragged out.
I have started to tell people ie friends, family, close colleagues etc. He has told no one (although his family were aware we were having issues)
He doesn’t want the kids to know and I think he will leave it as late as possible to tell them. I don’t want him to be pushed into telling them as I think that will give the kids a vibe that they will pick up on, but I don’t want them to either find out from someone else or realise that we’ve hidden it from them as I want them to see it as a positive step (less arguments, happier home etc) even though I know that’s a long term aim and initially it will be shit.)

I guess I feel a little in limbo because I am way further along in coming to terms with what is happening, but he is still in that shock/upset phase. I know it’s important to not rush him, to not end up rushing myself, but to also not “stand still” and then question if it’s easier just to stay as we are until the kids have grown up (I don’t want this)

Ideas would be so helpful right now.

The guilt is horrible. The first year is just shite to be honest!

I think honestly the mechanics of what you do about living arrangements in the near future isn't actually the most important thing. It's just logistics (although I think PP might have a point that it could make things more difficult and be potentially destructive).

1. Give him time (days/weeks) to absorb what's happened. This bit will suck for both of you.
2. Try to decide what's going to happen in, say, the next six months and then tell the kids. He might make this decision for you - my ex did, he definitely wanted to get out once he'd accepted what was happening.
3. Once that decision is made, use your guilt as motivation to stick with it through the shit times (which will happen).
4. Keep cutting him some slack and make sure the kids see you cooperating and being kind/considerate to each other wherever possible. In the early days it might be only you who demonstrates kindness and consideration. That's still better than not doing it at all.

Keep your eyes on the prize. This is a long term process. I totally buggered up telling my kids, did it incredibly abruptly on the day their dad moved out. It felt like a terminal disaster at the time, but it wasn't because this is a long haul and what counts is your commitment to doing it well over the long term. (Still wouldn't advise telling your kids like that though 😬)

I think if you can pinpoint his infidelity as having been a turning point for you, which would be completely reasonble, then although you don't have to apportion blame, or decide who's fault it is, you can be comfortable with the fact that the relationship has run it's course for you, maybe even been over for some time, and that you would like to move on.

He might not agree, but unfortunately, in order to keep it on the rails you both need to be in it. It's bloody hard, I won't lie, I thought I was going to die at some points, but from the other side I can absolutely one hundred percent say that not for one second did I wonder if I was doing the right thing. I have never ever regretted it, despite everything turning upside down and my huge fear for the kids and how it would damage them.

It hasn't damaged them any more than staying would have, arguably much less as they have a calm peaceful happy home base, with lots of visits to dads, and know they are loved beyond measure. Plus a mum that's as happy and fulfilled and settled as I've ever been, which just felt impossible to acheive when I was in the thick of it.

You can see all the endings and loss from where you are, but you can't see the new until it unfolds. It's there.

I fully get what you want to happen with sharing parenting and staying friendly but have you asked what he'll want? It may be a chance for him to remake his life in a totally different way.

I think you both have a lot to talk through. Clearly he is being unreasonable if he refuses to come to terms With separation and divorce. But I’m not sure your expectations are reasonable either. Get outside help with these discussions to avoid conflict

But as far as I can see he can’t avoid the fact you want to separate. However you cannot avoid the fact that separation means he can decide to sell the house tomorrow etc. What happens next will not be decided unilaterally by you.

I don’t really see the point in telling the children or others whilst you live in this limbo. They won’t understand because your situation is still ambiguous. Nothing you have said says you want to anything but to live together with separate finances, beds and the freedom to date.

We simply slept in separate rooms but outwardly most people didn't guess. I told people when we had worked out our finances for him to move out and I started dating. It all worked out well because I met someone elsewhere and decided to move away letting him have the house until we were ready to sell (was during pandemic by then)

Totally understand some of the thought processes here and nice to see that actually people have made some different choices and still managed to navigate a path.
And yes, I am way further on in this than he is.

We have already had counselling which ended around September time and by that point it felt like we were on the same page moving forwards hence why the counsellor suggested we take a pause to sort the next step.
Low and behold, he clammed up after we stopped going, stopped being open as he had been in the sessions (although he wasn't fully open, but more than normal) and he decided he would rather be in a marriage where he isn't happy than separate, so this is going to take a lot of steps to sort.
I don't want to have to keep it all a secret from friends though as I want to be free to just be me and it feels like his "sticking his head in the sand" motion of sorts means I am stuck. I know he has told some friends but hasn't told other family members yet and he won't see them for a month or so now so we are stuck for a while.

OP would your budget stretch to renting a studio/small 1 bed flat? You could then consider 'nesting' which is where you maintain the family home and the parents take turns to be in either the family home or the flat (or staying with relatives/friends etc). The idea is this maintains stability for the children and doesn't require you to sell your main asset immediately and endure the costs of two family sized houses.

I wouldn't see it as a long term solution but it could work in the short term, particularly as you get on ok and aren't bothered about sharing a space. You could still have family dinners a couple of nights a week, but it also makes clear to everyone, including the children, that you are separated.

I think there would be plenty to sort out in terms of practicalities but it might be an option?