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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Sale of family home before finances agreement - abusive ex

34 replies

ChangeUser2023 · 03/02/2023 17:52

Hi all,

seeking advice/experiences please.

ex h left family home in November. Ds and I are in family home. Ex h and I own property as tenants in common in specific shares (mind less than 50%). Issues of Abuse/control, I have a non-molest order in place. Ex continues to be coercive by refusing to pay his share of mortgage and generally being diffucult. He has gone back to his country of origin living with parents, has told me that he is currently on sick leave and expects to leave his (highly paid) job in next few months. He states he will no longer be able to contribute to mortgage, child maintenance childcare.

we have ageeed to sell family home as I can’t afford it single handedly and neither can he. I have also filed a form a as i havd been advised I should get at least 50% of sakle proceeds but he will never agree to this and due to the ongoing abuse? I don’t want to engage with him.

we now have a buyer without finances being sorted. I’ve been told that usually lawyers hold money on trust pending resolution of finances in such situations. form a has not been served on him yet. at whay point do i tell him that i am seekjng a greater share of thr lle equity in prooerty? it woukd be entirely in character for him to refuse to sell to spite me if he finds out too early on . I can’t afford to keep on the home and want a clean break.

he earns/earned in the £100k region and is on almost twice as my salary.

OP posts:

millymollymoomoo · 03/02/2023 18:49

personally wouldn’t be selling until financial settlement agreed
you don’t know what you’ll ultimately receive
will you rent in the interim ?

have you actually started divorce and financial separation?
exchanged form e?

Original poster

ChangeUser2023 · 03/02/2023 19:16

I have no choice but to agree to a sale, I can’t afford the mortgage, he claims he won’t be able to contribute to this it child maintenance.Plus it’s a falling market and I need to unlock funds.

filed for divorce at end of last year, have lodged form a a few weeks ago (kicking off financial proceedings)

OP posts:

millymollymoomoo · 03/02/2023 20:53

Can you not get an interim order so he had to pay you a certain amount?

Original poster

ChangeUser2023 · 03/02/2023 21:22

I have applied for an interim order as part of the form a. The point is that hr says he is unable to work past the next month or so for the foreseeable future due to ‘mental health issues’ so will not be earning…so don’t think any payments will be forthcoming

OP posts:

taxpayer1 · 03/02/2023 21:37

Why would he pay a mortgage on a house he is not living in?

millymollymoomoo · 03/02/2023 22:13

Because he doesn’t want his kids to be homeless ??

Potluck22 · 03/02/2023 23:42

I think when dealing with someone who lives abroad, the situation can become increasingly complicated. Could be a potential mare. Don't think its realistic to expect him to keep paying the mortgage for long and id take him at his word on that.

Personally id want a financial consent order sorted and with current financial climate and firms going bust i wouldn't want huge funds sat in a solicitors account for too long (not sure how much they are protected up to, perhaps something to research), so not sure id complete on a house sale without financial consent order in place personally. Have you asked your solicitor what they think?

You might be best agreeing to 50 50 for a quick divorce and house sale, but depends on where things are as to whether that is at all realistic as getting a financial order written up, agreed and signed off by court all takes time.Depending on length of marriage and age of kids you might be entitled to more than 50% but sometimes its better to cut your losses. Pensions also need to be considered.

Divorce though nowadays is seldom quick - mine was done in a year, but less than that probably rare, particularly with covid backlogs. Best speak to your solicitor re what is realistic/possible.

Could you get a lodger to tide you over perhaps. Not sure what to suggest, it's hard to know the best option here, id try to get advice/guidance from solicitor.

Fizzadora · 03/02/2023 23:48

Can't help with the divorce but you should get in touch with the mortgage company immediately and tell them exactly what's going on.

Original poster

ChangeUser2023 · 03/02/2023 23:54

He needs to pay towards the mortgage as he literally walked out one day and made no effort to discuss his plans with me. This Man has a history of being controlling, hence the NMO. The monthly mortgage payment is almost 100 % of my monthly salary

ive been advised that I will definitely get at least 50% of equity due to housing need and he’s likely to have a Large pension (for reasons I won’t go into here, it’s fairly outing)He’s abroad so the only assets I can touch are the equity in the property and his pension.

OP posts:

Original poster

ChangeUser2023 · 03/02/2023 23:55

@Fizzadora tried that. They don’t seem to be able to help

OP posts:

Nat6999 · 04/02/2023 00:10

Can you swap the mortgage to interest only until you sell it? Speak to your mortgage provider, they would rather get some money than nothing & have to go through the courts for a possession order.

Original poster

ChangeUser2023 · 04/02/2023 00:15

@Nat6999 i don’t want to deplete my equity. I would rather sell and take my share. Given that ex claims he is unable to work in the forseeable future, I need the equity for myself and to help with maintenance for DS.

OP posts:

Nat6999 · 04/02/2023 04:36

You wouldn't lose your equity, you simply remortgage the outstanding amount interest only.

taxpayer1 · 04/02/2023 08:53

millymollymoomoo · 03/02/2023 22:13

Because he doesn’t want his kids to be homeless ??

She needs to worry about her house. He needs to worry about his. He needs to pay child maintenance. Do you suggest he needs to pay for her house? If she cannot house her children, she needs to give them to him or to social services.

Potluck22 · 04/02/2023 09:12

Yes understand he is meant to be paying half mortgage but he isn't, hence the dilemma. Sorry sounds tough for you. Both parties mutually liable i believe but not sure there is much you can do if one stops paying the mortgage, hence best be pragmatic. Some good suggestions re speaking to mortgage company etc, or rent a room out. Do you have access to savings to tide you over? I suppose spending any savings until resolved is other solution.

You need a pension valuation (cetv i think its called for his and your pension).

LemonTT · 04/02/2023 09:15

I’m not sure selling the house resolves your cash flow situation. As you stated the money will be held in trust unless you both agree that some of it can be accessed.

I think you need to ask your solicitors about strategies which will probably have to take account of your ex not complying with any process. You are not going to achieve anything quickly or without cost and use of your capital.

I don’t know how extreme he is in terms of abuse and psychopathy. If he is simply driven by the need to punish you he will self sabotage, incurring financial loss and unemployment. However if he has a degree of self preservation and interest then that is potentially where you will get movement. Play into his need to win and his greed.

That means presenting things in a manner that sets out the wins for him and allowing him to back track on his idiocy. Imply everything you concede is a major blow and loss for you - keep hidden what you want.

If selling the house releases some equity to provide hims with a home then explain it in those terms rather than saying it is about your needs. If you can show house prices are falling - not speculation or reduced growth- that could persuade him.

Realistically is he going to be unemployed on fuck all rather than paying a few hundred in child maintenance? He is on a reasonably high salary, you don’t get there without wanting it.

You will end up depleting equity when you get it. Come to terms with that. Your route to financial severance will be slow enough without being compounded by any unrealistic expectations on your part.

emptythelitterbox · 04/02/2023 09:27

You need to talk to your solicitor and mortgage company.
Nobody here can advice you on such a serious matter.

KateFleming · 04/02/2023 09:32

Speak to a solicitor and Citizens Advice. I'm in Scotland and going through similar. The minute he stops paying the mortgage, he loses hi shar of equity from that day forward. He's not doing this to keep a roof over his kids head, this is about him trying to control the situation. The minute he realises he's losing control things will get worse.

KateFleming · 04/02/2023 09:33

Realistically, do you think he's going to walk away from a high paying job? I doubt it. He'd be cutting his nose off to spite his face. A mortgage lender won't touch him without an income

Original poster

ChangeUser2023 · 04/02/2023 10:17

@LemonTT im doing all these things. He would ‘rather burn money’ than give it to me (though all I’m asking for is child maintenance and a fair share of the equity of the property). Says it all really.

@KateFleming yes it’s all about control and trying to make my life as difficult as possible . Doesn’t seem to register that ds life is affected too. Just wants to punish me at any cost. He’s living abroad rent free with his parents and claims he is unable to wiotk. I suspect that the minute the divorce is complete and finances are sorted, he will be back to earning the big bucks

OP posts:

Original poster

ChangeUser2023 · 04/02/2023 10:19

For my part - I want a clean break and to limit my dealings with him as much as possible, especially as he still has the opportunity to exercise financial control over me. I fully accept I may need to compromise but will not set out to short change myself and ds

OP posts:

Original poster

ChangeUser2023 · 04/02/2023 10:21

@LemonTT hes consented to the sale - it was his idea. What I’m concerned about is that Hr will now pull out when he realises I will want more than half of the equity. It’s a good price in thids falling market but he is beyond spiteful and abusive

OP posts:

Original poster

ChangeUser2023 · 04/02/2023 10:24

@taxpayer1 this is a man who walked out and absconded abroad without the decency to discuss finances. He’s living rent free at his parents supposedly suffering from ‘mental health issues’ while I’m looking after a young child full time, working full time and struggling to make ends meet due to his refusal to pay towards mortgage and likely maintenance soon.

OP posts:

Xenia · 04/02/2023 10:26

You might be entitled to 100% of the equity and a share of his UK pension (and your less than 50% shares in the let properties which may be abroad?). The more you can get teh better as he sounds unlikely to pay child or spousal maintenance.

Original poster

ChangeUser2023 · 04/02/2023 10:29

@Xenia exactly. Thats the strategy I intend to follow

OP posts:

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