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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Can't stop thinking about leaving emotionally abusive husband

46 replies

whycantitbecalm · 17/01/2023 08:10

Ugh, i am driving myself insane.

I have made the decision after 22 years that i cannot stay in this marriage.
Husband has been subtly controlling and explosive for most of it.

He has been hell to live with, even the children tell me i should divorce him. He is shouty and aggressive with them and often if i leave them with him they call or text telling me to come home.

He has subtly controlled me to the point where i'm too worried to go to certain social events, or spend his money, in a really backhanded way, he doesn't say i can't go out or spend he just causes arguments if i do.

I am doing what i can to get as much information as possible about my rights and copies of any paperwork etc

I've been here before, made the decision then he goes all charming and nice and
I doubt myself.

Really i just need to know i can do this, its so hard

OP posts:

Foxywood · 17/01/2023 08:18

Money - find out how you are set money wise after you leave - are you entitiled to his pension? see a good solicitor about al of this - I would find this the most worrying thing as you can't plan your new life if you don't know how much money you will have.

millymollymoomoo · 17/01/2023 08:31

You’re entitled to a fair share of all marital assets
that could be 50% or more or less depending on circumstances

you should see a Solicitor to help guide you

Chickenvoicesinmyhead · 17/01/2023 08:36

You absolutely can do this @whycantitbecalm

It won't be easy but better days are ahead.

When you have a wobble, just remember you are protecting the kids from further abuse and showing them how that type of relationship is not acceptable.

Original poster

whycantitbecalm · 17/01/2023 09:45

@Foxywood thank you, I definitely beed to find a solicitor which feels like a huge minefield in itself and i also need to get there without him knowing

I have managed to find out as much financial info as i can and have some details of his pensions.

OP posts:

Original poster

whycantitbecalm · 17/01/2023 09:46

@millymollymoomoo

I'm hoping this is the case, as i'll have 3 teenagers to support and i need to make sure they're ok

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Original poster

whycantitbecalm · 17/01/2023 09:48

@Chickenvoicesinmyhead
Thank you so much, sometimes you just need to hear this from someone else, he has spent so many years making me feel like i wouldn't be ok without him.

The children are without a doubt the reason i'm doing this. We all deserve better. Just feels like such a huge responsibility changing everyones world

OP posts:

Chickenvoicesinmyhead · 17/01/2023 09:53

....for the better @whycantitbecalm

CornishGem1975 · 17/01/2023 09:56

One thing I learnt from my divorce, it wasn't nearly as hard as I had imagined in my head. That's not saying it wasn't hard but I had drummed it to be worse. Once I had started it, and worked through it, it was a relief.

Bathbath · 17/01/2023 22:33

One step at a time is my best advice. I frightened myself silly reading everything online. Whilst that helped, I forgot it all happens in stages and there are various stages. You get through each one. It is worth it. It was agony doing it but I know it was the right decision and it sounds like you do too. You are stronger than you think.

MrsDancer · 25/01/2023 17:19

My advice is make a list of all the abusive things he has done and whenever you doubt yourself for ending the relationship read the list and it helps to keep your direction. I know this is quite negative but now I am further along the process, I have been separated for 18 months, I made a new list of all the positives that have come from ending the relationship and I mostly look at that list now. You need to do this. Freedom and peace is priceless

2022NewTimes · 25/01/2023 20:31

@whycantitbecalm - Can you support your DC''s on your own ? I left my STBXH last year after 30 years - its been hard but definitely worth it ?

Original poster

whycantitbecalm · 25/01/2023 23:56

@2022NewTimes I definitely can't without benefits, but i am
In a position where i could work part tike or increase my self employed earnings.
I am definitely going to leave, its just so scary.

Its great to hear the view of someone on the other side so thank you

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rabper · 26/01/2023 19:28

I have had a very turbulent 5 year marriage. Husband very disrespectful since beginning. He had cheated on me multiple times and everytime I’d confront he’d deny and start manipulating the conversation, take it in a complete different direction.

At one point I started recording his conversations when I go out, caught him speaking to prostitutes (when I showed him audios he said I never went I only call). I had to stop doing it and left it how he was.

When he found I recorded his audios he started threatening me that he has got my videos that he’d leak. I knew he is bluffing but my heart just does not accept living with someone who can threaten me like this.

I just had a baby girl 2 months ago (unplannedg and have another sweet girl who is 3 years old. I just worry about them so much. Will they be ok? What if he abandons them??

I have a very good job and earn around £80,000 a year and looking to buy a house somewhere.

Is divorce really that bad? He is blackmailing me using children and saying that I am destroying their future.

Is it that bad?

Onlyme54321 · 26/01/2023 22:08

@rabper When I said I was leaving, my stbxh told me the same. I’m destroying the kids and he would kill himself. Completely emotional blackmail. The kids are happier than ever now.

If your experiencing this divorce is not so bad, I found it difficult emotionally but so pleased it’s almost done now

Original poster

whycantitbecalm · 27/01/2023 08:10

@rabper i truly am at the stage where i know whatever lies ahead cannot be worse that what came before

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Onlyme54321 · 27/01/2023 13:27

@whycantitbecalm It sounds as though your have come to the point, its no longer a choice if to leave or not.

It’s tough but definitely worth it long term.

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 27/01/2023 13:35

Having been through divorcing a controlling man myself, I always say its a bit like childbirth - it can be painful and messy and humiliating, but it's actually over fairly quickly and you're left with something wonderful.

Main thing I wish I'd known beforehand - don't expect him to be rational; don't respond to his reactions as if they are rational or serious; don't expect him to do anything in anyone's best interests other than his own.

You can definitely do this - loads of us have, and we and our children are in a better place as a result.

Original poster

whycantitbecalm · 27/01/2023 16:16

@Onlyme54321 @LadyGardenersQuestionTime you are all giving me so much strength, love the childbirth analogy. I'm feeling stronger than ever and also exhausted.

But the future is exciting now and i've never felt that before

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Original poster

whycantitbecalm · 28/01/2023 18:15

Its done! I told him this morning 🙃
Heaven only knows what comes next

OP posts:

Shgytfgtf111 · 28/01/2023 18:19

You are awesome! Prepare for him to turn nasty now.

PurpleFresias · 28/01/2023 18:25

stay strong OP , even if he is his most charming self, you will be so glad to come through the other side

Original poster

whycantitbecalm · 28/01/2023 18:26

@Shgytfgtf111
I am ready for anything. He's been pretty amicable so far which just makes me suspicious.
I don't think its sunk in yet for him

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Onlyme54321 · 28/01/2023 18:30

Well done, expect good and sad days. Stay strong, you have done the hardest bit

larchforest · 28/01/2023 18:33

He doesn't think you will go through with it, and he will start being all nicey-nicey, like he's done before.

Confound him, and do it. Do it for your dc who are being abused just as much as you are.

Original poster

whycantitbecalm · 28/01/2023 18:33

@Onlyme54321 thank you so much x

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