Can't stop thinking about leaving emotionally abusive husband

[whycantitbecalm]

Ugh, i am driving myself insane.

I have made the decision after 22 years that i cannot stay in this marriage.
Husband has been subtly controlling and explosive for most of it.

He has been hell to live with, even the children tell me i should divorce him. He is shouty and aggressive with them and often if i leave them with him they call or text telling me to come home.

He has subtly controlled me to the point where i'm too worried to go to certain social events, or spend his money, in a really backhanded way, he doesn't say i can't go out or spend he just causes arguments if i do.

I am doing what i can to get as much information as possible about my rights and copies of any paperwork etc

I've been here before, made the decision then he goes all charming and nice and
I doubt myself.

Really i just need to know i can do this, its so hard

Well done OP! Amazing!

I definitely need to find a solicitor which feels like a huge minefield in itself and i also need to get there without him knowing

@whycantitbecalm You could ask Women's Aid to recommend solicitors in your area who specialise in this kind of case. It would be a good idea to ask them for support while you're going through this, they can advise on practicalities for you and the children.

Please don't be lulled into a false sense of security because he is calm just now. I don't want to frighten you but this is the most dangerous time for an abused woman, even if he's never been physically abusive before.

@TwilightSkies thank you 😊
@Dodecaheidyin thank you for this reminder, he is definitely being more amicable than ever in his life before, my bestie is telling that's great and maybe he's realised he needs to do the right thing and that little feeling inside my gut is screaming that she's wrong.

He is talking about moving out and has looked at flats and once he's out of the building i'll relax the tiniest of bits.

Must stay strong and firm. Great tips about womens aid, i'll do that asap x

Well bloody done. There is no clearer sign than your children telling you to divorce him. If even they are telling you that then you’re definitely doing the right thing. I wish my mum had had the same strength!

Hi. I worried about being seen at a solicitors office but after the first freebie meeting which was just fine I have had all my dealings with them thereafter via phone and email.

I am 7 months in.
Very similar story.
my best advice is Grey Rock. Google it.
Take all the help, support and advice you can.
I never ever thought I could do it, but I have and, while the journey is hard, I’ll be there soon

Also
Womens Aid
Most definitely. This is the most dangerous time for a woman in such a situation

You could have been married to my husband. It’s like reading my story back!

I found that dealing with him on a VERY rational and business like manner was the only way to progress things with him. I’d been using the grey rock method while I was planning my exit.

My divorce took 2 years which included a long period of consultation over pensions, but I just kept putting one foot in front of the other.

Needless to say, my life is 1000% better and calmer than it’s been for 20+ years, and our DS has taken some time out to work out if he wants a relationship with his father going forward.

that little feeling inside my gut is screaming that she's wrong

Listen to that.

It sounds like fortunately your friend hasn't experienced abuse - abusers to people outside looking in are very different to the ones we live/d with.

Keep in touch with your people around you, ask for help if you need it and keep posting if it helps

Wishing you so much relief and calm
My adult children are my rocks. My little 12 year old is our inspiration. May he never more experience the abuse

Stop thinking start doing

@whycantitbecalm how are you doing?

@Onlyme54321 knackered, he's currently in total "remorse" and "love bombing" my brain aches. I'm staying as strong as i can, but the constant "lets try again, i'll be better" every 30 seconds is making me feel sad for him.

Must remember why we're here in the first place. Because manipulation like the above wore me down without me knowing.

He works from home so i have been trying to keep out the way, and keep an eye on him because he keeps reminding me he was nothing to live for

@whycantitbecalm oh it all sounds so familiar!

I had this too, but what I kept telling myself is I had had the same discussion again and again. I don’t think he thought I would actually leave, even though I said I would if things didn’t change. My argument was, why have they not already changed. Me saying I wanted to leave wasn’t a threat, it has got to the point it was happening and I’m so much better now for it! Dream of how you want to live, it’ll help you through

@whycantitbecalm .... I know its hard.. I am on the other side now - 11 months out - I put up with him for 30 years - he will never change - he might pretend for a while - then when he thinks he can get away with it he will revert to his usual behaviour..... you dont want to be in the same position in 2 /3 / 5 years time.

but the constant "lets try again, i'll be better" every 30 seconds is making me feel sad for him.

You could pity him for being such a weak person he has to behave the way he does but I'd save your sympathy for a more deserving cause. As you say yourself this is just manipulation.

It's not your job to keep an eye on him because of his veiled threat of suicide, it's just more manipulation.

Concentrate on what you have to do and, as @Onlyme54321 says, imagine your new life and the things you'll be able to do with your freedom. If you find yourself waivering you could write down all the bad things he's done to act as a reminder, it can also be helpful to get it out of your head and onto paper. Just make sure he can't find it.

Keep strong, you can do this

Yep
7 months in.
Stay strong

I just wanted to check in so see How are you doing?

I too am embarking on divorce (still living together) but in the process. I’m absolutely gutted it’s come to this but I felt thing were never going to change and have felt extremely unsupported through a difficult time in my life. I have a one year old and I’m scared stiff but I know deep down it’s the right thing to do.

Thank you all for your responses, its amazing how much strength strangers can give you.

So to update you, he has spent the last 3 weeks being relentless! Telling me he can 100% promise it would never be the same as before, if i changed my mind.

I have a constant headache, everyday is like groundhog day, like my marriage on steroids :)

Which is just making me even more determined now.

We have filed for divorce, so he can see theres no going back, he's found a flat, and is moving out in a couple of weeks and we're getting our finances in order.

He is flitting between "i'm sorry" and "you're making your life so much harder"
Whilst i have the end goal in sight and just need him out so my brain can stop aching.

He can't even look at me without talking about it, whilst i'm busy keeping life going and making our children feel secure

Just found your thread, in similar situation and wondered how you are doing? Xx