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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

"stepdad" requesting lived with shared care?

45 replies

mavisdavis123 · 28/12/2022 17:50

Hi, I kicked my husband out. I've since gone to police about coercive control. He's requested 50/50 care, fasciately, there's no way he believes that is best for our child. Problem is he married me, I went along with it under the coercive control. I will press charges, he's stolen so much from me.

I'm just seeking reassurance which I know no one can truly give but any input is helpful. So many issues exist, he would deliberately tease me about her safety when together and I did not feel able to leave for so long because I knew he would do just this.

I ended up not being able to take anymore. I was unsure I could allow him to have sex with me ever again and that's when I just locked him out.

He won't drop this. Help?

OP posts:
gogohmm · 28/12/2022 17:53

Does he have parental responsibility? Is he the biological father or adopted father? If no to these then 50/50 care will not be awarded

Bepis · 28/12/2022 17:53

Hi, you stated in your title that he was the 'stepdad'. Does he have PR at all?

Original poster
mavisdavis123 · 28/12/2022 17:57

gogohmm · 28/12/2022 17:53

Does he have parental responsibility? Is he the biological father or adopted father? If no to these then 50/50 care will not be awarded

thank you

He is not biological. She is approaching 7.

He's been with me since she was 1.5 it was a completely coercive relationship. He literally moved in on me, sexually assaulted me and began giving my child to his parents. I went along with it as I was vulnerable just left domestic violence. He knew this. It's insane but I say this to court I sound mental but it all happened.

he's applied because of his feeling of being her dad. Nothing about her! Nothing about her rights or wants just "I see myself as her dad so give me access" literally and the solicitor he hired is helping him?

OP posts:
Original poster
mavisdavis123 · 28/12/2022 17:58

No PR no adoption

OP posts:
Notanotherusername4321 · 28/12/2022 17:58

What does “fasciately” mean? I’ve googled and it doesn’t fit the context…

if he doesn’t have PR he will need to prove he has a paternal relationship, and 50:50 is in your child’s best interest.

how old is the child and how long has he been in the child’s life? And where is the child’s bio dad? Does he see him at all?

Original poster
mavisdavis123 · 28/12/2022 18:00

Notanotherusername4321 · 28/12/2022 17:58

What does “fasciately” mean? I’ve googled and it doesn’t fit the context…

if he doesn’t have PR he will need to prove he has a paternal relationship, and 50:50 is in your child’s best interest.

how old is the child and how long has he been in the child’s life? And where is the child’s bio dad? Does he see him at all?

I'm sorry, I meant to put facetiously

OP posts:
Bepis · 28/12/2022 18:01

It is unlikely he would be granted PR especially as you have now both separated. Without PR, he wouldn't be able to obtain a Child Arrangements Order (this gives PR if it is a lived with order).

As a stepmother, I looked into applying for PR. Been with DH 8 years now but the judge said that would be highly unusual and felt there would be no need as DH has PR, who is the biological father.

Original poster
mavisdavis123 · 28/12/2022 18:02

Bio dad attacked me when she was 6m and he ceased engagement with the courts. He's a divvy but I supported contact when he applied as long as supervised.

I'm a divvy too I realise this. I can't seem to realise when someone is abusive.

The control he put on me is absolutely massive. It's traumatised me. He would tell me I wouldn't be able to cope alone.

So bio dad is out of the picture for almost 6 years but could of course come back at any time.

OP posts:
Original poster
mavisdavis123 · 28/12/2022 18:05

Bepis · 28/12/2022 18:01

It is unlikely he would be granted PR especially as you have now both separated. Without PR, he wouldn't be able to obtain a Child Arrangements Order (this gives PR if it is a lived with order).

As a stepmother, I looked into applying for PR. Been with DH 8 years now but the judge said that would be highly unusual and felt there would be no need as DH has PR, who is the biological father.

Yes he has no PR and has not applied for that but for the shared care, not even just contact which could be seen as reasonable.

But since he's left my daughter is fine, which I have been gauging and responding to. I'm a good mother despite what he said. I can provide and she has a routine, school, dance, gymnastics, family relationships, who I can prove he cut us off from or tried to. I have witnesses that are willing to speak to police.

I have so many concerns about him and police have actually referred me for a VRI after revealing certain details.

I just have this horrible idea they will give her to him and it's the most terrifying prospect in the world and he knows this hence why he's doing it.

Surely a family judge will see this for what it is? I just catastrophise.
Thank you so much for responses.

OP posts:
Original poster
mavisdavis123 · 28/12/2022 18:05

Bepis · 28/12/2022 18:01

It is unlikely he would be granted PR especially as you have now both separated. Without PR, he wouldn't be able to obtain a Child Arrangements Order (this gives PR if it is a lived with order).

As a stepmother, I looked into applying for PR. Been with DH 8 years now but the judge said that would be highly unusual and felt there would be no need as DH has PR, who is the biological father.

I'm sorry you did not get what I assume was a genuine request, and did they simply throw out your application?

OP posts:
Original poster
mavisdavis123 · 28/12/2022 18:08

Bepis · 28/12/2022 18:01

It is unlikely he would be granted PR especially as you have now both separated. Without PR, he wouldn't be able to obtain a Child Arrangements Order (this gives PR if it is a lived with order).

As a stepmother, I looked into applying for PR. Been with DH 8 years now but the judge said that would be highly unusual and felt there would be no need as DH has PR, who is the biological father.

Sorry, I misread you there. You never applied.

My ex still has PR, he's on the birth certificate, and yes he had major issues, our child was not planned and I left as soon as it got violent.

But even my ex did not do the things my husband did to me. Even he did not apply for 50/50 but for contact which I would have supported if safe.

This man is an absolute psychopath. Are judges really so unreasonable they would not just tell him to get lost?

OP posts:
Reugny · 28/12/2022 18:09

So bio dad is out of the picture for almost 6 years but could of course come back at any time.

Do you have any contact with any of your child's biological paternal relations?

Hopeyoursproutsarealreadyon · 28/12/2022 18:14

My exh spent 4 years trying to get access to MY dc and I had no real evidence he was a cunt. You have lots op. Stay strong and keep your dd away. Luckily his facade slipped and the judge deemed him unsuitable and that it would actually be damaging to my dc to have him in their lives due to his hatred of me. So keep all info and detail his behaviour towards you. It will count against him ime.

Notanotherusername4321 · 28/12/2022 18:18

This man is an absolute psychopath. Are judges really so unreasonable they would not just tell him to get lost?

why is that “so unreasonable”? Do you think judges just tell people to get lost without any knowledge of the case?

what they will look at is what is in your child’s best interest. I am sure there are case where step parents genuinely take on a parenting role and the child will suffer for the loss of such a big part of their lives.

your child is 7. Her wishes will be taken into account. Does she want to see him? Would she want 50:50 care? What is their relationship like?

he will have to prove he is such a positive impact on your child that she’s will be worse off. Nothing to do with you, or him, or is soley about what is best for the child.

the judges will look at the whole picture. They don’t know he’s a psychopath, or anything about you, so they will make sure they know the fact before telling anyone to get lost.

Original poster
mavisdavis123 · 28/12/2022 18:36

Reugny · 28/12/2022 18:09

So bio dad is out of the picture for almost 6 years but could of course come back at any time.

Do you have any contact with any of your child's biological paternal relations?

No

OP posts:
givethistokevin · 28/12/2022 18:39

He won't drop this. Help?

He isn't going to get custody of a child that isn't his.

Original poster
mavisdavis123 · 28/12/2022 18:41

givethistokevin · 28/12/2022 18:39

He won't drop this. Help?

He isn't going to get custody of a child that isn't his.

And I find it unreasonable that he's asking. I find it obviously unreasonable. Some disagree but this is my fear.

OP posts:
PennyRa · 28/12/2022 18:43

While it's highly unlikely it's not impossible. I know a stepfather who gained full custody after divorce, no pr before break up. And one that got 50/50 as it was determined it was in the best interest of the child

givethistokevin · 28/12/2022 18:45

And I find it unreasonable that he's asking. I find it obviously unreasonable. Some disagree but this is my fear.

Of course it is unreasonable, but I don't understand what you are scared of, it isn't going to happen.

givethistokevin · 28/12/2022 18:46

PennyRa · 28/12/2022 18:43

While it's highly unlikely it's not impossible. I know a stepfather who gained full custody after divorce, no pr before break up. And one that got 50/50 as it was determined it was in the best interest of the child

Social services involvement?

Original poster
mavisdavis123 · 28/12/2022 18:49

givethistokevin · 28/12/2022 18:46

Social services involvement?

Show quote history

No. Social services came to see me post breakup with ex, they just wanted to know if I was going to go back and they left me completely alone upon establishing that wasn't going to happen.

@givethistokevin what scares me is the possibility and the comment from @PennyRa

OP posts:
givethistokevin · 28/12/2022 18:54

Sorry I was asking the ouster who said they knew of a stepdad getting custody. Obviously this would not happen ordinarily.

Crazydoglady1980 · 28/12/2022 19:17

Who was main carer before the break up? And what kind of relationship did your husband have with them?
This is what the court will look at, not the biology. It’s about the relationship with the child

Reugny · 28/12/2022 19:18

OP do you have any children with him?

Oh and your 7 year old is too young to be asked what she wants. Asking the child starts at 8 but most not all children under 11 are too immature to be asked.

Original poster
mavisdavis123 · 28/12/2022 19:24

He shouted orders from on high the past year. I took her to school. I took her to activities. she does not miss him, she has been talking to me about the fact he was "bossy" and she is glad he is gone.

She's my only child. He was obsessed with getting me pregnant and moving from my tenancy. Thank goodness I took the pill secretly for a few months.

OP posts: