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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

"stepdad" requesting lived with shared care?

45 replies

mavisdavis123 · 28/12/2022 17:50

Hi, I kicked my husband out. I've since gone to police about coercive control. He's requested 50/50 care, fasciately, there's no way he believes that is best for our child. Problem is he married me, I went along with it under the coercive control. I will press charges, he's stolen so much from me.

I'm just seeking reassurance which I know no one can truly give but any input is helpful. So many issues exist, he would deliberately tease me about her safety when together and I did not feel able to leave for so long because I knew he would do just this.

I ended up not being able to take anymore. I was unsure I could allow him to have sex with me ever again and that's when I just locked him out.

He won't drop this. Help?

OP posts:
Hopeyoursproutsarealreadyon · 28/12/2022 20:00

Does he have dc of his own?

Original poster
mavisdavis123 · 28/12/2022 20:00

Will they ask him to explain why he believes it's in her best interest? Because so far he's only spoken of himself.

OP posts:
Bepis · 28/12/2022 20:02

mavisdavis123 · 28/12/2022 20:00

Will they ask him to explain why he believes it's in her best interest? Because so far he's only spoken of himself.

It's not a quick process. There will be numerous reports done, from Cafcass etc. if you both don't agree, it would go to a contested hearing which is like a proper trial where you can submit evidence and statements. The Judge would then make a decision. If it even got that far.

PennyRa · 28/12/2022 20:08

givethistokevin · 28/12/2022 18:46

Social services involvement?

Show quote history

I don't know the ins and outs of it all, I didn't know them until after all the court was settled

givethistokevin · 28/12/2022 20:10

I don't know the ins and outs of it all, I didn't know them until after all the court was settled

Then I would suggest that your statement that a stepdad got full custody is ignored by OP. Nobody is taking a child away from the mum and giving custody to the step dad for no reason.

PennyRa · 28/12/2022 20:15

givethistokevin · 28/12/2022 20:10

I don't know the ins and outs of it all, I didn't know them until after all the court was settled

Then I would suggest that your statement that a stepdad got full custody is ignored by OP. Nobody is taking a child away from the mum and giving custody to the step dad for no reason.

Op asked if it was possible. It is, that's all I said

givethistokevin · 28/12/2022 20:16

Op asked if it was possible. It is, that's all I said

You are being obtuse.

PennyRa · 28/12/2022 20:18

givethistokevin · 28/12/2022 20:16

Op asked if it was possible. It is, that's all I said

You are being obtuse.

*helpful

givethistokevin · 28/12/2022 20:19

It's not helpful to post that it can happen without context when OP has said there are no SS concerns for her child. It's putting fear into OP who is quite rightly worried.

Original poster
mavisdavis123 · 28/12/2022 20:19

Bepis · 28/12/2022 20:02

It's not a quick process. There will be numerous reports done, from Cafcass etc. if you both don't agree, it would go to a contested hearing which is like a proper trial where you can submit evidence and statements. The Judge would then make a decision. If it even got that far.

Show quote history

Thank you. So by "not get that far" is it possible the judge could just throw it out if he does not give a good enough reason? (there is not one)

OP posts:
Original poster
mavisdavis123 · 28/12/2022 20:20

givethistokevin · 28/12/2022 20:19

It's not helpful to post that it can happen without context when OP has said there are no SS concerns for her child. It's putting fear into OP who is quite rightly worried.

Thank you. I am so worried and upset but I do believe this is his sole intention unfortunately. There is so much more detail but I am in the process of producing something of a Scott schedule for police on their request. There is so much going on and it's been a really rough five years, many friends cut off, many people willing to give statements. Police wanting to take things further.

OP posts:
Original poster
mavisdavis123 · 28/12/2022 20:22

PennyRa · 28/12/2022 20:15

Op asked if it was possible. It is, that's all I said

Show quote history

In fairness to you, I know, it is possible, and I do appreciate you answering. It is the most worrying time in the entire world for me. I don't want you to receive a pile on, I see the good in everyone, hence why I'm even in this situation.

OP posts:
Bepis · 28/12/2022 20:22

@mavisdavis123 With him being the stepparent and not the biological parent, and with him not having PR, the judge can decide that the application is meritless and should not proceed.

However, the Judge may feel that he should be able to put his case forward and allow him to do that but it doesn't mean he will get what he wants.

Judges are very keen on the status quo and usually need a good reason to upset that.

Does he see her at all at the moment? Apologies if you already said.

Hopeyoursproutsarealreadyon · 28/12/2022 20:23

Op if it helps to here details from my experience here goes...
Exh and I shared dc. The court place all dc in a pot so to speak as Children Of The Family.. The sibling relationships are shown to have value. Ex had 50/50 of our dc and wanted 50/50 of mine alongside
..
Your ex has no dc with /without you to play this card with. Asking genuinely if he played a vital part in your dd's life for a decent period of time? If the answer is no ime you have no worries..

Original poster
mavisdavis123 · 28/12/2022 20:28

Bepis · 28/12/2022 20:22

@mavisdavis123 With him being the stepparent and not the biological parent, and with him not having PR, the judge can decide that the application is meritless and should not proceed.

However, the Judge may feel that he should be able to put his case forward and allow him to do that but it doesn't mean he will get what he wants.

Judges are very keen on the status quo and usually need a good reason to upset that.

Does he see her at all at the moment? Apologies if you already said.

I kicked him out due to concerning behaviour. I've subsequently reported this to police and they've referred me for a video recorded evidence specialist interview.

I did not allow contact right away as his concerning behaviour was not addressed.

Fact is aside from all that he had a relationship with her that was more and more distant over the last two years and the relationship was sparse and her reaction is not as though I'd left, but as though my ex has left.

See what I mean?

OP posts:
DomPom47 · 28/12/2022 20:34

Get yourself a solicitor. He has not legally adopted her so PR is extremely unlikely. You getting legal advice may put him off pushing it further if he’s sole aim is to cause you aggro. Good luck xx

Original poster
mavisdavis123 · 28/12/2022 20:51

DomPom47 · 28/12/2022 20:34

Get yourself a solicitor. He has not legally adopted her so PR is extremely unlikely. You getting legal advice may put him off pushing it further if he’s sole aim is to cause you aggro. Good luck xx

I have a solicitor via legal aid

OP posts:
Reugny · 28/12/2022 21:30

givethistokevin · 28/12/2022 20:10

I don't know the ins and outs of it all, I didn't know them until after all the court was settled

Then I would suggest that your statement that a stepdad got full custody is ignored by OP. Nobody is taking a child away from the mum and giving custody to the step dad for no reason.

I asked about other children particularly children were he is the father as all the cases I know where the step-father has become the main parent or has contact, he is the father of their half-sibling(s).

In this case there isn't any other children in the family so there is no reason unless he can show he has a close relationship with the child to have contact.

Reugny · 28/12/2022 21:36

I did not allow contact right away as his concerning behaviour was not addressed.

Make sure he has absolutely no contact and absolutely no communication with her at all.

Do not talk to him about her as he has no right to that information as he has no PR.

Hopefully the backlogs in the Courts will work in your favour as the longer they have no relationship the harder it is for him to argue there is one.

Original poster
mavisdavis123 · 28/12/2022 21:43

Reugny · 28/12/2022 21:36

I did not allow contact right away as his concerning behaviour was not addressed.

Make sure he has absolutely no contact and absolutely no communication with her at all.

Do not talk to him about her as he has no right to that information as he has no PR.

Hopefully the backlogs in the Courts will work in your favour as the longer they have no relationship the harder it is for him to argue there is one.

Done. Because it's not in her interests this has not happened. It's already been one month.

OP posts:
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