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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Will you relocate and completely cut your social tides after a divorce

50 replies

Bemyself · 26/12/2022 00:47

I have been thinking about a divorce for quite sometime.

My husband is abusive and a narcissist I am worried that he would not let me go easily but I am so sick of my marriage. I need to leave for the sake of my child and I want to get my life back. My life has been controlled by him since met him.

Therefore I am thinking about relocating to somewhere new where everything will be new, no one knows us, and I do not have to explain to my old neighbours and parents in the school about the divorce. I want my life to start afresh.

However, I am also a bit worried about my toddler son. Is it unfair to him? Relocation means new home, new school, leaving his friends and teachers, and people that the has known since he was a baby, a complete uproot.

Would you do that? AIBU and selfish to have such thoughts?

OP posts:
FrozenGhost · 26/12/2022 07:22

In terms of your toddler son, I think it's fine. Kids don't really have life long friends at that age, kids and teachers come and go every few months, new school - dc would be going to a new school anyway for primary. So I wouldn't let that be a barrier.

YnysMonCrone · 26/12/2022 07:42

I'm also in the process of divorcing an abusive narcissist. My children are now adults, but in your position I would start again. At age 2, your DC will have no memory of his current nursery and he will thrive elsewhere.
I am also moving house in 2023 I hope, can't go too far because of work but it will be great to be in a new town with new neighbours

KangarooKenny · 26/12/2022 07:45

He’s young enough to adapt, and your new life will soon be the only one he knows.
Keep moving forward to your new life.

Pippylongstock · 26/12/2022 07:45

Do it now. It will be a bumpy few months but he won’t remember it. It will be more difficult when he is older. Good luck

pompomsandtinsel · 26/12/2022 07:48

Two year old don't have friends. They just have other kids that they play next to so I don't see that as an issue.

Will your ex want to see the child? Will the child be stuck commuting a long distance every other weekend?

Zuve · 26/12/2022 07:52

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Theunamedcat · 26/12/2022 07:54

Will he let the child go? Will he let you go?

ACynicalDad · 26/12/2022 07:59

Don’t worry about a toddler’s friendships, my kids are in the lower end of primary and don’t really still see one nursery kid between them (no others moved to their school). The one family have become family friends so that’s different. Your sun will find new people to play with quickly. Any slight negatives will be overtaken by living in a happy home.

pinkunicorns54 · 26/12/2022 08:52

The only thing I would consider is if he would want contact and take you to court for it. Unless there is evidence that he had harmed / is risk of harm to the children, a court will also go in favour of promoting some kind of contact, even if it's supervised.
If you are the person who has moved away, they will expect you to do the transporting to and from contact.

I'm not saying the children haven't been harmed as a result of what they have seen / heard etc, but courts would look at whether that is likely to continue if you are no longer in communication.

I'm not saying don't move either - perhaps just think about proximity.

Good luck ❤️.

LemonTT · 26/12/2022 09:26

pinkunicorns54 · 26/12/2022 08:52

The only thing I would consider is if he would want contact and take you to court for it. Unless there is evidence that he had harmed / is risk of harm to the children, a court will also go in favour of promoting some kind of contact, even if it's supervised.
If you are the person who has moved away, they will expect you to do the transporting to and from contact.

I'm not saying the children haven't been harmed as a result of what they have seen / heard etc, but courts would look at whether that is likely to continue if you are no longer in communication.

I'm not saying don't move either - perhaps just think about proximity.

Good luck ❤️.

Are you going to allow your ex contact with his child. If so how? This is doable but I would take legal advice all the way and do it properly.

If you intend to cut the ex out you need to understand the risks you are taking in terms of legal repercussions. And take steps to mitigate them. Especially if you intend to cross any international borders.

It is very difficult to completely disappear these days unless you have a lot of money. Chances are that you will leave a footprint of some kind. If your ex wants to find you, he will. If he is a narc he won’t let you win.

Jas683 · 26/12/2022 10:32

I think if you have thought the consequences through then go for it. It has a lot of appeal. Your child will adapt really quickly I would imagine.

Will you have a network though, or will you seek to find help and support if no family and friends around you.

Will your partner look to "find" you and cause hassle, again you might need support with that scenario.

millymollymoomoo · 26/12/2022 10:37

Abusive In what way?
how far would you move?
how do you intend on facilitating contact with your child’s father !
are you prepared to do all driving and have long extended times apart ( if you move away where contact cannot be eow etc you could see weeks at a time in holidays )
your husband could try for a prohibitive steps order to prevent you taking your child ( don’t blend him) - how will you show its in your child’s best interest to move away ( not yours )

you need to think this through

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/12/2022 10:44

Is your husband likely to be happy to forget he has a son and never want to see him again?

He’s got parental responsibility so the child isn’t solely yours to up and take far away.

Soontobe60 · 26/12/2022 10:46

Your son needs to be able to have a good relationship with BOTH his parents. Unless there’s a massively good reason that he should not see his father, then planning to prevent that from happening is a shitty thing to do. So, assuming that he is an OK father, then you should be looking at how you can, if at all possible, have an amicable divorce with shared caring for your child.

Frazzled2207 · 26/12/2022 10:47

Sorry that you find yourself in this situation

I think your 2yo will be fine. They don’t form close bonds with friends at that age. It’s a really good age for children to start afresh IMO.

Soontobe60 · 26/12/2022 10:49

Jas683 · 26/12/2022 10:32

I think if you have thought the consequences through then go for it. It has a lot of appeal. Your child will adapt really quickly I would imagine.

Will you have a network though, or will you seek to find help and support if no family and friends around you.

Will your partner look to "find" you and cause hassle, again you might need support with that scenario.

Sure, the world is full of people who have had a fractured relationship with one parent because the other parent has taken them away…
And absolutely the other parent should be expected to ‘find’ their child and cause hassle! I’d fight to the ends of the earth if my dh decided to take my child away from me.

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/12/2022 10:52

Frazzled2207 · 26/12/2022 10:47

Sorry that you find yourself in this situation

I think your 2yo will be fine. They don’t form close bonds with friends at that age. It’s a really good age for children to start afresh IMO.

They do have close bonds with their parents. Never seeing his father again is a different kettle of fish ti losing contact with some kids the same age.

Since nearly everyone on here has an ex they describe as a narcissist it’s unclear that this child would benefit from having no relationship with his dad.

Original poster
Bemyself · 26/12/2022 16:46

Hi all, to answer all your questions, I want to leave because he is physically and emotionally abusive. There were incidents which I really wanted to call the police but I withheld it because I don't want to ruin the life of my son's father.

I am still figuring what is the best to all of us after a divorce.

I do want my son to still have a relationship with his father if possible. But that would depend on whether we can come up with an amicable solution in terms of co-parenting (assuming he let me have the custody). I doubt that because I am his second marriage. I witnessed how he constantly bad mouth his ex-wife in front of his kids in the first marriage. I was young and naive so believed in everything he told me. Now I realise that that was what a typical narcsist would say.

We are not home owners so issue of splitting the house.

OP posts:
millymollymoomoo · 26/12/2022 18:06

if there is no DA logged it won’t count

so you need to be prepared for all the things listed abreast and come up euth a plan on how you intend to facilitate contact and a relationship with their father ( assuming he even lets you take his child )

and unfortunately bad mouthing his ex, will not prevent contact ( even if he bad mouths you )

Zuve · 26/12/2022 18:10

People don't change. And you don't want your son to learn from him how to disrespect ladies

Original poster
Bemyself · 26/12/2022 18:59

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/12/2022 10:44

Is your husband likely to be happy to forget he has a son and never want to see him again?

He’s got parental responsibility so the child isn’t solely yours to up and take far away.

He did that to his kids in the first marriage. they are all teenage or in uni. He is not contacting them anymore. Basically because whenever he tried to contact them, e.g. text them, they did not reply or left for a very long time to reply, or finding excuses not to meet. In the past I thought the kids are in the wrong to ignore their father. But I start to understand why. It's because my husband talked about how bad his ex-wife is in front of his kid every single time. Or started arguments with the kids, the intention maybe good, e.g. he thought the kids didn't do well in certain things, etc etc. The kids are afraid of him, and do not want conversation with him. Because he made every family occasion a bad one.

OP posts:
millymollymoomoo · 26/12/2022 19:19

You are not listening
you have a toddler not teens
you cannot move and take your child away without his agreenent
and if he does not you’ll need to go to court and demonstrate why it’s in your child’s best interests and how you’ll be responsible for facilitating a relationship

Original poster
Bemyself · 26/12/2022 19:47

Soontobe60 · 26/12/2022 10:46

Your son needs to be able to have a good relationship with BOTH his parents. Unless there’s a massively good reason that he should not see his father, then planning to prevent that from happening is a shitty thing to do. So, assuming that he is an OK father, then you should be looking at how you can, if at all possible, have an amicable divorce with shared caring for your child.

I don't like his parenting style. My son is only 5. My husband always use discouragement to "encourage" a 5 year old. To sum up, it is all negative.

For example, we he teaches ds how to ride a bike, he expects the boy knows how to do it with a bling of an eye or a flip of a switch. When ds doesn't use the brake to stop or doesn't balance well, he just said "You can't even know how to control the bike" "Looks like you are not born to be a cyclist, let's go home", "You can't ride a bike after all (and then left ds)" " I wish I had a son who can ride so well like the other kid" etc.

Today in the park, ds was playing balancing pole, another younger girl was playing too. He just told ds "look, the girl balances so well, unlike you, you can balance even you tried to steady yourself, oh she is a natural." What kind of father would discourage his own kid like that?

Today ds finally asked me, why daddy always angry with me when I ride the bike, why he doesn't take care of me?" I feel sorry for his little heart and tried to comfort him and explained to him daddy's intention was good.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bemyself · 26/12/2022 19:50

@millymollymoomoo OK. Thanks for the advice. It's taken and noted.

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 26/12/2022 20:22

Bemyself · 26/12/2022 19:47

I don't like his parenting style. My son is only 5. My husband always use discouragement to "encourage" a 5 year old. To sum up, it is all negative.

For example, we he teaches ds how to ride a bike, he expects the boy knows how to do it with a bling of an eye or a flip of a switch. When ds doesn't use the brake to stop or doesn't balance well, he just said "You can't even know how to control the bike" "Looks like you are not born to be a cyclist, let's go home", "You can't ride a bike after all (and then left ds)" " I wish I had a son who can ride so well like the other kid" etc.

Today in the park, ds was playing balancing pole, another younger girl was playing too. He just told ds "look, the girl balances so well, unlike you, you can balance even you tried to steady yourself, oh she is a natural." What kind of father would discourage his own kid like that?

Today ds finally asked me, why daddy always angry with me when I ride the bike, why he doesn't take care of me?" I feel sorry for his little heart and tried to comfort him and explained to him daddy's intention was good.

Show quote history

So model to your dh how to parent positively. Stopping your ds from having relationship with his father is awful. If he’s as bad as you’re claiming let the courts decide.