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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Will you relocate and completely cut your social tides after a divorce

50 replies

Bemyself · 26/12/2022 00:47

I have been thinking about a divorce for quite sometime.

My husband is abusive and a narcissist I am worried that he would not let me go easily but I am so sick of my marriage. I need to leave for the sake of my child and I want to get my life back. My life has been controlled by him since met him.

Therefore I am thinking about relocating to somewhere new where everything will be new, no one knows us, and I do not have to explain to my old neighbours and parents in the school about the divorce. I want my life to start afresh.

However, I am also a bit worried about my toddler son. Is it unfair to him? Relocation means new home, new school, leaving his friends and teachers, and people that the has known since he was a baby, a complete uproot.

Would you do that? AIBU and selfish to have such thoughts?

OP posts:
millymollymoomoo · 26/12/2022 20:27

Those things re your husband are not enough to stop or cut contact

Betterversionofme · 26/12/2022 20:48

I get you.
As soon as all is finalized I am moving, and changing my name.
Stalking ex is scary.
I already had to cut contact with many people as my ex was manipulating and using them. I just stepped back (and got a non-molestation order, that he keeps breaking) rather than participating in some ugly drama.
My new name and address will not know even my father or my siblings. PO Box can go long way. Nothing against them but can't trust them on this.

qpmz · 26/12/2022 20:59

Make sure you don't cut yourself off from your own friends or family. They will be much needed support.

Original poster
Bemyself · 26/12/2022 21:51

millymollymoomoo · 26/12/2022 20:27

Those things re your husband are not enough to stop or cut contact

@millymollymoomoo I have photos of wounds caused by physical abuse by him. That would be some evidence right?

OP posts:
Original poster
Bemyself · 26/12/2022 21:52

Betterversionofme · 26/12/2022 20:48

I get you.
As soon as all is finalized I am moving, and changing my name.
Stalking ex is scary.
I already had to cut contact with many people as my ex was manipulating and using them. I just stepped back (and got a non-molestation order, that he keeps breaking) rather than participating in some ugly drama.
My new name and address will not know even my father or my siblings. PO Box can go long way. Nothing against them but can't trust them on this.

@Betterversionofme I was thinking about changing my name as well.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bemyself · 26/12/2022 21:54

Soontobe60 · 26/12/2022 20:22

So model to your dh how to parent positively. Stopping your ds from having relationship with his father is awful. If he’s as bad as you’re claiming let the courts decide.

Show quote history

I do that all the time. The thing is he does not listen and does not approve and then end up causing another argument. Sometimes end up with a fight because he thinks I do not respect him.

OP posts:
Comeonbarbiebrianharvey · 26/12/2022 22:09

I would google and speak to women's aid if there's been physical altercations. You need some professional advice on the domestic violence and how to move forward sharing children. Good luck I hope you find a way forward.

merrymelodies · 26/12/2022 23:05

I did exactly what you're describing, OP. My XH is an abusive narcissist (diagnosed with NPD) and I moved with my two DC to the other side of the world to escape him. Problem was that I had no support - no friends, family or anyone, really. As a newly-single parent, traumatised with traumatised DC, it was... difficult.

millymollymoomoo · 26/12/2022 23:12

But you haven’t reported to the police ?
you need to if you want this to be considered

gogohmm · 26/12/2022 23:19

Don't worry about your ds's friendships but his father will need access

gogohmm · 26/12/2022 23:24

If you have been abused, have you reported it? That is the only way you can legally cut contact

Original poster
Bemyself · 27/12/2022 00:56

gogohmm · 26/12/2022 23:24

If you have been abused, have you reported it? That is the only way you can legally cut contact

As I said previously, I hate him, but I don't want to ruin is life.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bemyself · 27/12/2022 01:00

merrymelodies · 26/12/2022 23:05

I did exactly what you're describing, OP. My XH is an abusive narcissist (diagnosed with NPD) and I moved with my two DC to the other side of the world to escape him. Problem was that I had no support - no friends, family or anyone, really. As a newly-single parent, traumatised with traumatised DC, it was... difficult.

@merrymelodies So sorry that this has happened to you as well and the ordeal that you had gone through. You are such a strong woman. Amazing woman. Your DC will thank you for what you have done for them. You should be very proud of yourself. Hope you are doing alright now. Although I myself is not exactly in a very good situation right now, but still want to send you hugs 👐

OP posts:
Hadtochangeforthisone · 27/12/2022 01:24

You need to get some really good legal advice OP. Women's Aid, Coram Children's Legal centre etc.

You are going to need this advice regarding your child and access by his father. If he is a true narcissist he will exploit child contact as a way to maintain control. You appear quite naive in these matters. Courts don't just refuse an EQUAL parent from having contact on the other parents say so...

You have never reported him. You need to start doing so. Child arrangements START at 50/50..((if he chooses to apply for this) . The fact he doesn't see the other kids is irrelevant as they are permitted to make their own choice.. your son does not.

You say you have photos of historical abuse. Unless it is a video of him actually assaulting you.. he can simply deny it was him. Do you have text messages that tally with the evidence of him admitting any assault ? That would help but far from foolproof. My neighbours husband broke both her legs and fractured her jaw and was imprisoned for 3 months. Still got regular weekly contact as deemed no threat to children.. only her.

I really don't want to discourage you. However I do want you to be prepared and to get really good advice. Do not give him a clue whilst you are doing so. Surprise is your strength. !

toomuchlaundry · 27/12/2022 01:32

Even if he has been abusive to you doesn’t always mean he can’t have contact with his DC

offtherecord · 27/12/2022 01:38

could you tell me how your divorce is playing out as been married to a narc, im on this path to and really frightened as everything is always my fault, i'd much appreciate a heads up

HangerLaneGyratorySystem · 27/12/2022 01:56

You definitely need to get some proper advice OP - I particularly recommend the National Domestic Abuse Helpline as they are great on emotional and coercive abuse but also easier to get through to than Women's Aid. Get advice on leaving safely and on housing:

rightsofwomen.org.uk
www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk

Concentrate on getting you and your son safely away from H and then you can look at the legal side of contact etc.

Original poster
Bemyself · 27/12/2022 02:00

Hadtochangeforthisone · 27/12/2022 01:24

You need to get some really good legal advice OP. Women's Aid, Coram Children's Legal centre etc.

You are going to need this advice regarding your child and access by his father. If he is a true narcissist he will exploit child contact as a way to maintain control. You appear quite naive in these matters. Courts don't just refuse an EQUAL parent from having contact on the other parents say so...

You have never reported him. You need to start doing so. Child arrangements START at 50/50..((if he chooses to apply for this) . The fact he doesn't see the other kids is irrelevant as they are permitted to make their own choice.. your son does not.

You say you have photos of historical abuse. Unless it is a video of him actually assaulting you.. he can simply deny it was him. Do you have text messages that tally with the evidence of him admitting any assault ? That would help but far from foolproof. My neighbours husband broke both her legs and fractured her jaw and was imprisoned for 3 months. Still got regular weekly contact as deemed no threat to children.. only her.

I really don't want to discourage you. However I do want you to be prepared and to get really good advice. Do not give him a clue whilst you are doing so. Surprise is your strength. !

@Hadtochangeforthisone Thank you for the advice you have given. Your neighbour's situation is very unfortunate and scary.

In that case I have to think which one is harder, living with him or co-parenting with him; letting DC stay with an abusive father or putting him between 2 unhappily divorced parents.

I am hoping that he will eventually give up co-parenting even there is a court order because he is simply not up to it! He cannot take care of DC all by his own. Occasionally for a few days is fine, but as a long term arrangement? Probably not.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bemyself · 27/12/2022 02:03

offtherecord · 27/12/2022 01:38

could you tell me how your divorce is playing out as been married to a narc, im on this path to and really frightened as everything is always my fault, i'd much appreciate a heads up

@offtherecord So sorry for what has happened to you. I am still figuring what to do. As other people has suggested, maybe you should look for some help from Women's Aid as well? I think I am going to need some proper advice as well. All the best to you

OP posts:
merrymelodies · 27/12/2022 06:47

Bemyself, thank you for your kind words. I never felt particularly brave but in hindsight, I suppose I was. My DC, who are now in their late teens, have always assured me that I did the right thing. I never tried to prevent them from seeing their father and they did see him for a number of years but only briefly. Eventually he stopped paying child support and took us all to court. They haven't seen him since.

Soontobe60 · 27/12/2022 09:27

Bemyself · 26/12/2022 21:51

@millymollymoomoo I have photos of wounds caused by physical abuse by him. That would be some evidence right?

Show quote history

Yes if they have been verified by the police. But no if they are photos of a injury that could have been caused by anything at any time.

Original poster
Bemyself · 27/12/2022 13:09

merrymelodies · 27/12/2022 06:47

Bemyself, thank you for your kind words. I never felt particularly brave but in hindsight, I suppose I was. My DC, who are now in their late teens, have always assured me that I did the right thing. I never tried to prevent them from seeing their father and they did see him for a number of years but only briefly. Eventually he stopped paying child support and took us all to court. They haven't seen him since.

@merrymelodies Good gosh I believe my husband would do the same actually, take us all to court. Thankfully it is all over for you now and you have very supportive DC. That have a bright future ahead of them thanks to your courage and determination. I am thinking what can I do for my little one as well

OP posts:
Bestcatmum · 27/12/2022 13:15

Its no problem, I moved across country from east to west. It was the best thing I ever did. He's so young he will be fine.

Original poster
Bemyself · 27/12/2022 14:53

Bestcatmum · 27/12/2022 13:15

Its no problem, I moved across country from east to west. It was the best thing I ever did. He's so young he will be fine.

@Bestcatmum So glad to know that you did it and it worked well! May I ask if you had any custody issue that other people have raised above?

OP posts:
Bestcatmum · 27/12/2022 16:00

Bemyself · 27/12/2022 14:53

@Bestcatmum So glad to know that you did it and it worked well! May I ask if you had any custody issue that other people have raised above?

Show quote history

Hi OP. Well my ex rather shot himself in the foot there. He went for full custody but did so by creating a scene outside my house, spying on me at work and being nasty to our son. So I was awarded full custody with no contact with DS allowed until DS came of age.
My next door neighbours wife shifted from the southeast to Cornwall. My neighbour wasn't violent just useless with the kids so he,d oy see them twice a year but he had to go down there and stay in a hotel. His judge decided the kids would be better off with their mum.

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