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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Child contact over a long distance.

31 replies

Seemswrite2me · 06/12/2022 14:03

I have left my husband a few months ago. We have a two year old child and we are living in cities at least a 4 hour drive apart. I don't wish to keep my daughter apart from her Father however the practicalities of him seeing her when we live so far apart are difficult, particularly as he hasn't been very willing to come and see her in the city where we are now and has been pushing for visits to take place mainly in his home city. We both have a support network or job in our cities so are both unlikely to want to compromise on those by moving.

I just wondered if anyone has heard how this kind of arrangement has worked for any other families who have been through this. Either with so long a distance or with such a young child. We have court proceeding in place to decide who our child will mainly live with. I think they will be asking me to prepare a statement concerning what I proposed for contact arrangements. I really don't know what to put. Do I ask that her Father visit her in my city when I'm pretty sure he doesn't want to? She's visited her Father for around a week (without me going) on a few occasions, but comes back quite upset and tired for a few days afterwards, so I don't want to extend these visits to be any longer than that. I'm also not sure how often I should propose visits take place. My priority it to work out what will be best for my child.

OP posts:
badassbaby · 06/12/2022 14:06

Seemswrite2me · 06/12/2022 14:03

I have left my husband a few months ago. We have a two year old child and we are living in cities at least a 4 hour drive apart. I don't wish to keep my daughter apart from her Father however the practicalities of him seeing her when we live so far apart are difficult, particularly as he hasn't been very willing to come and see her in the city where we are now and has been pushing for visits to take place mainly in his home city. We both have a support network or job in our cities so are both unlikely to want to compromise on those by moving.

I just wondered if anyone has heard how this kind of arrangement has worked for any other families who have been through this. Either with so long a distance or with such a young child. We have court proceeding in place to decide who our child will mainly live with. I think they will be asking me to prepare a statement concerning what I proposed for contact arrangements. I really don't know what to put. Do I ask that her Father visit her in my city when I'm pretty sure he doesn't want to? She's visited her Father for around a week (without me going) on a few occasions, but comes back quite upset and tired for a few days afterwards, so I don't want to extend these visits to be any longer than that. I'm also not sure how often I should propose visits take place. My priority it to work out what will be best for my child.

Surely you should speak to her father to see what he wants?
If he's going to provide financial support he has a right to see his daughter (assuming there was no abuse in the marriage)

Original poster
Seemswrite2me · 06/12/2022 14:13

There was emotional abuse in the relationship which involved him trying to control my behaviour. We're only speaking through solicitors at the moment. Ideally he'd like to have her for half the time, I think 2 weeks with him, 2 weeks with me, which I don't feel is in my childs best interests.

OP posts:
ChocolateBauble · 06/12/2022 14:17

Seemswrite2me · 06/12/2022 14:13

There was emotional abuse in the relationship which involved him trying to control my behaviour. We're only speaking through solicitors at the moment. Ideally he'd like to have her for half the time, I think 2 weeks with him, 2 weeks with me, which I don't feel is in my childs best interests.

How would 2 weeks in one place and 2 weeks in the other work long term when in a few short years your child will be starting school?

Ihatethenewlook · 06/12/2022 14:18

How’s that going to work when she starts school? Who is it who decided to move 4 hours away? The best interests of the child would have been for the parents to stay within a reasonable distance of each other, as in both can do school drop offs, or dad is close enough that weekly sleepovers/dinner after school every week is feasible. I’m not even sure what would be best for the child in this case. She’s so young that being that far away will mean that she will end up distraught being forced to spend time with a parent who she will inevitably barely end up seeing.

badassbaby · 06/12/2022 14:58

Seemswrite2me · 06/12/2022 14:13

There was emotional abuse in the relationship which involved him trying to control my behaviour. We're only speaking through solicitors at the moment. Ideally he'd like to have her for half the time, I think 2 weeks with him, 2 weeks with me, which I don't feel is in my childs best interests.

Definitely not in her best interests!
This is so tricky as I always think it benefits children to have both parents in their life...and I speak as someone who became a single mum when my dd was 3.
However my ex moved 20 minutes away and we have worked hard to co-parent her, which has been so beneficial for her, she's now 18 and has two loving parents (and a lovely stepmum) in her life.
With the distance involved here, that's going to be impossible to achieve. So sad 😞

millymollymoomoo · 06/12/2022 16:07

Ultimately when parents live so far apart 50:50 is simply not possible, especially when they start school and clubs
assuming she stays with you the majority of the time, it’s fair that your ex has her fir extended periods during the holidays and possibly 1 weekend every 6 weeks or so in between

its quite possible that 2-3 weeks at a time would be supported

what do you propose ?

who moved ? Because that parent is also very possible expected to do the lions share of travelling ….

Randomperson99 · 06/12/2022 18:47

Seemswrite2me · 06/12/2022 14:13

There was emotional abuse in the relationship which involved him trying to control my behaviour. We're only speaking through solicitors at the moment. Ideally he'd like to have her for half the time, I think 2 weeks with him, 2 weeks with me, which I don't feel is in my childs best interests.

I have yet to find someone on Here who doesn't claim that there was "abuse" in their broken relationship.

Everydaywheniwakeup · 06/12/2022 19:17

My ex moved a few hours away, so our childcare arrangements stated that he was responsible for collecting and returning her. Once she got to 11, he paid for her train ticket to and from his.

LemonTT · 06/12/2022 19:26

Terrible thing to do to a child unless circumstances warrant it.

Long journeys between homes. Missing out on parties and weekend events half the time or not being able to see a parent.

If the priority is the needs of the child then live near each other.

ChocolateBauble · 06/12/2022 19:26

LemonTT · 06/12/2022 19:26

Terrible thing to do to a child unless circumstances warrant it.

Long journeys between homes. Missing out on parties and weekend events half the time or not being able to see a parent.

If the priority is the needs of the child then live near each other.

I completely agree with this.

Quitelikeit · 06/12/2022 19:34

If you were the person who moved away unfortunately the judge may well direct you to be responsible for the drop offs and pick ups

whoever moved far away was quite selfish as it does mean the child needs to endure a lot of traveling

the person will also be facing an expensive travel bill too

Original poster
Seemswrite2me · 07/12/2022 13:25

millymollymoomoo · 06/12/2022 16:07

Ultimately when parents live so far apart 50:50 is simply not possible, especially when they start school and clubs
assuming she stays with you the majority of the time, it’s fair that your ex has her fir extended periods during the holidays and possibly 1 weekend every 6 weeks or so in between

its quite possible that 2-3 weeks at a time would be supported

what do you propose ?

who moved ? Because that parent is also very possible expected to do the lions share of travelling ….

It was myself that choose to move, it the moment we have been meeting at a half way point when visits take place. Which seems to be working.

OP posts:
Newusernameaug · 07/12/2022 13:31

I’m always shocked by this - how can you move your young child 4 hours away from its father and then refuse to go back there and insist on meeting half way, you won’t even do the travelling when you moved away???
imagine if the shoes were in the other foot?

sorry but this just seems really selfish of you. My sons dad wasn’t great, but I always tried my best to be fair and not use my child as a weapon.

rainbowandglitter · 07/12/2022 13:35

The parent who moves away is usually expected to do the lion share of the travelling to allow the other parent contact. Surely moving that far away is not in the best interest of the child?

Smearywindowsagain · 07/12/2022 13:44

If he’s that keen on contact he could move closer to you. Your child can’t do that long journey every week.

Newusernameaug · 07/12/2022 14:12

Smearywindowsagain · 07/12/2022 13:44

If he’s that keen on contact he could move closer to you. Your child can’t do that long journey every week.

And what happens if they decide to move again?
Is the father just meant to keep quitting g their life and moving to new parts of the country?

TheDishElopedwiththeSpoon · 07/12/2022 14:17

Imagine she’s at school living with you and then make a schedule that fits that.
So maybe 2/3 of holidays at his?
Or 1/2 of all school holidays plus all bank holiday weekends at his?
Alternate Xmas.

PeekAtYou · 07/12/2022 14:27

You were lucky that he didn't get a court order preventing his dd from moving. (He can't prevent you but he could have possibly forced your child to stay in the place that he lives. )
I feel sorry for your dd having to do the travelling because of your decision to move. My kids had to travel that distance and they hated it. Luckily ex moved much closer (he moved away) which helped matters massively. I think that you were also lucky that your ex has agreed to half the travelling. Morally you should be doing it all as you moved away.

magicalorange · 07/12/2022 14:27

I thought that it was the parent that moved that was responsible for the majority of the travel.

That is what gets advised on all of these threads.

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/12/2022 14:30

Smearywindowsagain · 07/12/2022 13:44

If he’s that keen on contact he could move closer to you. Your child can’t do that long journey every week.

That’s such a shit thing to say. Whatever went on between the adults he’s still a dad and an equal parent. She’s chosen to move their child away from her home, her father and her relatives on his side yet you think he should give up everything he knows and the area they both chose to make their home and bring up their child because she’s been selfish. He’s already meeting her half way which is above and beyond.

gogohmm · 07/12/2022 14:36

The general consensus is that the parent that moved is responsible for getting the child back to the other parent (assuming they haven't moved). He could have grounds for a court order saying you moved his child away? Have you reported abuse? That would change the situation

cavily1806 · 07/12/2022 14:40

My ex moved away more than 4 hours when DD was 2. I pushed for a long term arrangement that we could do when she started school and we agreed he gets 2/3 of school holidays and we alternate Xmas. At one point when he lived 3h away he also had one weekend a month but that's not possible with the current distance, so that's what I'd suggest you offer in your statement although be prepared for a massive telling off for moving so far away from the judge

nokisoc · 07/12/2022 14:45

cavily1806 · 07/12/2022 14:40

My ex moved away more than 4 hours when DD was 2. I pushed for a long term arrangement that we could do when she started school and we agreed he gets 2/3 of school holidays and we alternate Xmas. At one point when he lived 3h away he also had one weekend a month but that's not possible with the current distance, so that's what I'd suggest you offer in your statement although be prepared for a massive telling off for moving so far away from the judge

Haha don't be prepared for the judge to tell you off, that's hilarious tho.

Judges rarely stick their oar in unless you really piss them off. It's the magistrates that have the majority decision and caffcass tend to be the deciding factor.

I am family law trained with experience but unfortunately most cases aren't predictable. What I will say to you is that 50/50 travel is the norm with distance unless you have other children to care for and Whar outside means you both have. If you have a new baby and your ex has not and you can't do the travel that's likely to be considered on the basis ex is entirely able to do the trouble with no detriment to your child.

It's a complex situation.

nokisoc · 07/12/2022 14:46

magicalorange · 07/12/2022 14:27

I thought that it was the parent that moved that was responsible for the majority of the travel.

That is what gets advised on all of these threads.

By people not legally trained. It's not always the case, it's usually equal responsibility unless there is something that would make it a huge detriment to one party. Such as illness, disability or other children / finances.

Thelonelychicken · 07/12/2022 19:28

Following. I moved 3 and a half hours away as ex told me he was moving to the other side of the country then all of a sudden he's not moving. Mines a bit more complicated in that he's in court for domestic abuse and treating behaviour in Feb so it's not like we get on. Would be lovely if he disappear. I have no doubt he'll take me to court to try get the kids