Child contact over a long distance.

[Seemswrite2me]

I have left my husband a few months ago. We have a two year old child and we are living in cities at least a 4 hour drive apart. I don't wish to keep my daughter apart from her Father however the practicalities of him seeing her when we live so far apart are difficult, particularly as he hasn't been very willing to come and see her in the city where we are now and has been pushing for visits to take place mainly in his home city. We both have a support network or job in our cities so are both unlikely to want to compromise on those by moving.

I just wondered if anyone has heard how this kind of arrangement has worked for any other families who have been through this. Either with so long a distance or with such a young child. We have court proceeding in place to decide who our child will mainly live with. I think they will be asking me to prepare a statement concerning what I proposed for contact arrangements. I really don't know what to put. Do I ask that her Father visit her in my city when I'm pretty sure he doesn't want to? She's visited her Father for around a week (without me going) on a few occasions, but comes back quite upset and tired for a few days afterwards, so I don't want to extend these visits to be any longer than that. I'm also not sure how often I should propose visits take place. My priority it to work out what will be best for my child.

This is how it worked in our situation (4 hours distance) with mother moving away.

Age 1-4
Weekly FaceTime call
Every other weekend (Fri - Sunday) meet half way.
Alternate Christmas, Birthdays, Easter and agreed one parent gets New Years Day and first May Bank Holiday. The other parent gets the second May and August Bank Holiday, (We tried to work it so that these bank holidays fell on the fathers ‘normal’ weekend so allowing for a long weekend (Friday - Monday).
In addition a further 4 one week stays to be agreed throughout the year - typically once a quarter.

Age 5+ (school started)
Weekly FaceTime call
One weekend in four (Saturday - Sunday) meet half way.
Alternate Christmas, Easter, Birthday (with father sometimes having to travel if the Birthday didn’t fall on a weekend) and shared bank holidays as before.
Half of the school holidays - Father gets one week at Christmas, February, Easter and October. For summer a three week holiday (split over two visits).

We’re now at age seven and this has worked well. It’s also really important to involve the father as much as you can - keep him updated on routines, activities, choosing childcare/schools, food preferences. It sounds like the father is keen to be an active parent so by involving him as much as you can in your child’s ‘home’ life it will make the distance feel less.

It’s natural for your child to miss you whilst they’ve been away, and be tired after spending some time with their father (and journey). Please don’t use this as a reason to limit future visits.

Sorry, meant that the ‘every other weekend’ has continued from age 5+ (Saturday - Sunday).

If you’re going to court you normally have to attend mediation first, where both parties try and agree to a plan. It’s good to have a proposed plan for these conversations as you have to start with something.

I did this - in fact even further.

we lived in a tiny village in the middle of nowhere. No family to help with the childcare and he did nothing - every other weekend but he didn’t do homework or anything
meanwhile both my family and his live relatively near each other - with an hour of each other 6 hours away.

I had always wanted to move ‘home’ and he knew it.
in my case there was DV and EA. Living round the corner from him in a grim part of the world with the kids being at least an hour each way to get to a decent (not inadequate) school.

His job is transferable anywhere and so was mine.

I told him I wanted to leave in writing and go home and he said he understood. Then lockdown happened and I was CEV - 6 months not leaving the house with two children and ex didn’t have them once. Then I applied in home town for a job and got one and informed ex and no reply to any solicitor messages etc so I went. Got the house sold and the kids both into outstanding state schools in the new town.

Ex kicked off and I had applied to move expecting him to contest.
Judge ruled it was in mine and childrens interests we all have health conditions.

I travel half way and drop off for each half term and a week here and there and that’s it.

we also have a life long restraining order as he was an idiot about text messages and hounding me - that helped I’m sure

I would enroll her in a nursery as soon as you can so that's she's settled.

2 years ago, you spent 9 months growing your child. He did not.

Friends of ours who now live 7 hours apart do one weekend a month. They alternate the travel (it means every other month they pay for a Premier Inn type hotel on a Friday and Saturday night). The Dad has just over half the holidays, they alternate birthdays and Christmases.

The original agreement was him doing all the travel, but he spent the weekend in her place. She went to her parents. That was part of the deal of him not standing in the way of the move. That worked well for a couple of years until she got a new partner who doesn't like it.

Sent you a PM