Can you save a marriage after infidelity?

[Brummie999]

Has anyone out there made their marriage work after finding out their partner was unfaithful?.
we have been married 15 years, I found out in September that my husband had been involved in a sexual relationship with a woman for four months, he had ended the relationship so she contacted ne and told me all about it.
the truth is our marriage hadn’t been great for at least two years and I thought we were on a slow decline towards divorce however after talking through what had happened and why it had happened we both decided we wanted to work things through (if possible).
however I am struggling with anger/ resentment about the fact my husband sought intimacy with another woman, will the rage eventually subside, is it possible to move on from this or am I just delaying the inevitable divorce.
we have children and I’m keep to really try for all of our benefit to fix this.

I think it's quite an outdated opinion really. More recent anonymous surveys indicate it's more likely to be a woman seeking sex and a man seeking intimacy these days!

Also, I've always found it odd how men are perceived as more likely to cheat than women. Who on earth were all these men cheating with, each other?

No I couldn't. Not who I am, I walked away and never looked back, that was the right thing for me as a person.

Five years on I still know it was the right thing for me.

Yes, you most definitely can. There is a hugely interesting post on here that went on for 1000 posts, it's under 'Making Sense of an affair' Look it up. Created this December.

The stats are on your side. Did you know that 88% women shagging a married man want him to leave his wife. Only 13% of men do, and only 3-5% because they want to. The rest is because they wives chuck them out.

They usually don't want the other woman. It's just the little bit of validity they seek before they embark on old midlife belly age, where they are not attractive any more.

75% marriages survive infidelity.

You must read that thread, it is a hugely beneficial insight into what the other woman thinks. And what she wants. And what the bloke wanted out of it.

It will help calm you down.

Truth is men want the wife and the package that comes, this is what they chose. And this makes 90% of them. But the other 10% is being with the fairies and having their ego tickled, they want to feel validated. When it comes to it it is never a 50/50 split for the wife and the other woman. Hence it is more like a 90/10 split. You win in every way, statistically and having him pull his weight around the house more, do let his do this, you win again, as you will get a more decent marriage. It will take time to let the steam off. Hopefully some of the laughs on this thread will help you along.

Again, this idea of men who cheat just wanting a bit of validity is a slightly old fashioned view. It's certainly possible but it's not the only reason men - or for that that matter - women cheat. To work out whether a marriage can survive infidelity, first you need to work out what kind of infidelity it was.

Four examples (and there are several others) which will give you some idea. He might have cheated because:

1. He formed an emotional bond with the OW that gave him something that he thought was lacking in your relationship. There's not really any coming back from that, because he's found someone else to fulfil an unaddressed need and he will keep going back for more. If you leave him to it, he will probably break it off with the OW, but that doesn't mean he'll be able to repair what he has with you;

2. He needed validity as others have said and it was just sex. Recovery from this could be a distinct possibility if you can get past it. If he was only getting sex from the OW and nothing else, there's really not much for him to go back to her for (this kind of affair normally fizzles out on its own after about 6 months because people looking for this kind of validity tire of it pretty quickly);

3. He's a serial cheat. This is a bit like 2) in that he'll still want you but the difference is he will keep doing it again and again and again. My ex-wife was like this and it will slowly drive you mad until you say enough is enough. You won't just lose your trust in him but also your trust of your own mind if you allow this to go on for too long.

4. The affair has been going on for a very long time before it was discovered. He had no intention of leaving you but wanted her too. He obviously still gets something from you but it might not be very flattering. To flip it over, SAHMs who have affairs like this often just stay with the cheated husband for the money. He might choose you over her, but just no. Not when it has been going on for a long time. He'll be conflicted and bounce back and forth when you could just dump him and find someone who will love you.

I would disregard all of the above and truly read the full 1000 post thread from top to bottom 'Making sense of affair' it's called. It's brilliant. You will hear from the Other Woman, the ones whose husbands cheated, it's truly mature and great fun.

Your guy sounds like he genuinely regrets this. It's very much possible he does and you could go on to have a great marriage. Remember PTSD can give you heaps of anger, and during those episodes all you will want to do is cut ties. Whatever you do wait for the storm to be over before you make any formal decision. It does go away and threads like the one I recommended were better advice than anything I read.

Of course, you can. You never know, it may even make your marriage stronger, but you will have to truly forgive him and not hold grudges.

I had far too much self respect to be remotely interested in why my ex husband felt the need to have an affair.

I’d never stay in an unhappy relationship for a lifestyle. Life’s short and I’d rather be happy alone than living a half life with someone who doesn’t respect me enough not to have an affair.

I believe my parents did. I don't know all the details but I know my father had an affair (and my mother knew about it) when they were in their early/mid 40s. They were happily together when my mum died in her 60s.

How is it going op?

Hi everyone, just wanted to thank everyone who has posted on here and give an update.
I am three months into dealing with the fall out of hubbys affair, how am I doing? Okay, honestly ok, hubby is struggling with guilt and depression which is hard to see.
I get the rage every couple of weeks at the mo where I could tear his bloody face off (I don’t) but mostly I’m focused on repairing our partnership.
I cannot claim our marriage was perfect and it’s clear my hubby was struggling with drepression for a few years prior to his affair, he is working hard to address this via the GP and some counselling.
Hubby had lost his sex drive due to depression, I got sick of rejection so went cool and then we stopped all intimacy and became house mates, the affair has made me realise that we were in danger of fizzling out of we hadn’t of taken proactive action to fix things.
Although I take responsibility for the down turn in our marriage the blame for the affair is firmly at hubbys feet and if I had any doubt about whether he regretted his actions or might be tempted again I would be at the solicitors arranging a divorce.
These past few months have made me realise how strong I really am, I feel confident that I have made the right choice hard as it is at times.
I have chosen not to share any of this with friends and family as people can be so judgemental, not just if the adulterer but of the partner choosing to stay.
My mantra during this time is to not make any decisions in anger or haste as I could have kicked him out a hundred times over!!!!!
Finally our children are completely unaware of what has happened, I want them to feel that both parents are committed to the family and be role models for their future relationships. Hubby did let them down with his actions but I don’t believe it would help our children to feel let down by their father who has otherwise been a brilliant Dad.
I have many more happy days then sad days unlike at the beginning and I am looking forward to building new memories to drown out the memories of the past few months.
Once again thank you everyone for reading my post and offering wisdom and support and to anyone starting this journey, you will be happy again in the future, to anyone contemplating an affair really think about your actions, your quick leg over could cost you, your partner and children very deeply.

Hmmm….my DH cheated on me, 8 years ago. It was a 4 month affair, I found out. We had a 10 mth old baby at the time and hardly any money 😕. I was devastated beyond words. However he was 100% committed to the relationship, we had a bit of counselling, went totally NC with the other woman. We went on to have one more child three years later and all was good. However….now we’re struggling. I’m stronger now and it bothers me that he could do that me our DC and still be a “nice guy”. I resent him for lots of small reasons and ultimately I can’t forgive him. I don’t think about the actual affair really at all now, but it’s left a deep stain, like an old red wine stain in a white carpet, which affects all my other thought processes around him and our relationship. If I had the balls (and the energy!!) I’d have an affair in a heartbeat to “get him back” and i fantasise about being single. Not healthy is it!?!
So whilst I don’t think it’s an immediate LTB situation you’d better deal with the mental issues it throws up because if you don’t they fester and chip bits off your soul every day.

Well done, OP. Onwards and upwards. I wish you all the strength. I think it’s very sensible to keep it to yourself for the time being (you don’t need other people’s emotions in this) and just pick one close friend or confidante who can let you vent without pushing you towards a decision one way or another. As I said, all the best.

@Mister1 is that a serious post!?! Honestly it reads like something out of 1950!! Or are you a man? Then your comment might make sense
Yes I was hard at work looking after a very difficult baby and dealing with some mild PND and total sleep deprivation. There were unfortunately no date nights or hand jobs….so according to your view it’s my fault he couldn’t keep his dick in his pants and support his wife? He’s a grown up too, not a randy 16 year old 🙄.

Hey Bluefrog thank you for sharing your experience, I am so sorry you are having a difficult time. What you are experiencing is something I worry about, that somehow I am just suppressing my pain rather than dealing with it and it will bubble to the surface during other difficult times in my life and randomly out of the blue and implode my marriage.

do you think counselling just for you might help? I am considering it for me, like you I am irked that everyone sees hubby as the nice guy which to be fair he is, in fact he is such a nice guy even I struggle to believe he really had an affair even though I have seen proof !!!!!

I worry that during difficult times a head my devastation over the affair will flood back, that’s what happens with ptsd, it sits in the background and hijacks any new worry, anxiety or stress, all the books I have read state that finding out about a loved ones affair creates ptsd.

I don’t think I will have a revenge affair as for me sex is more than just the act, I need that romantic connection and if I had that with someone else i would have to end my marriage. Some people (mostly men) can just have sex and not care about the person they are having it with, it’s just fancy masterbation for them really, I think this applies to my DH’s affair.

Ultimately as victims of a loved ones affair we have to do what is right for us, I would never tell anyone to stay or leave, an independent counsellor can help us work out what is really best for us and how to achieve it, friends advice though from a good place has their personal bias attached which creates pressure we don’t need.

an update on me, our first Christmas post affair was lovely, I was worried it would be ruined with simmering anger and resentment but I genuinely enjoyed it and so did hubby. I still get those nights where I could happily throat punch the idiot for what he did but I remind myself that he is really, honestly trying so hard to make up for his mistake.

finally Mister1 please don’t comment on my thread, you seem determined to offend and cause upset which I have tried to ignore. Everyone who has commented here has done so with the intention of helping me and I really appreciate them, why they should be exposed to your unkindness for that is wrong and mean spirited.

I completely agree with you . How can people behave like this , no wander misogyny is on the rise .

Bad week, I’m not sure I can keep my brave face on things, infact I’m pretty sure I want my husband to leave. I think I have had this primal urge to keep my family together and not that is wearing off or maybe I just have the January blues,

I have given the same time as the length of the affair to try and patch things up but honestly I’m fed up, wondering if my husband has been entirely honest ( claims it was sexual only on his side) or is he minimising what occurred between them to save his skin?

Tonight I confronted him with a lie he told, he told me when he ended it he told the other woman it was because he wanted to stay with me but found out he told her he was staying because of our children, he says this was because he didn’t want to provoke her BUT it’s lie he never needed to tell me….. previously he has been patient and calm when answering my concerns but tonight he got cross & saud he had moved on and I should too,

I don’t think I should have moved on, four months is a very short period of time, I believe I still have every right to ask questions or challenge inaccuracies, it’s not like I do it every day or even every week.
Anyhow I can see I have been naive to think I could save my marriage and get back to normal so quickly and apologies to anyone I made feel shitty with my ascertain I had done so in previous posts.

sorry to hear that op.

Perhaps you had hysterical bonding and now it's wearing off.

Just do what works for you. After all, your husband does

Yeah, the adulterer getting angry at your entirely normal emotions would be an immediate trip to the solicitor for me to start the divorce. The sheer entitlement and arrogance would repulse me, if him lying for months and nobbing about didn’t already. Have you been STD tested?

Imagine a calm, peaceful, fun future for yourself, free of a proven untrustworthy male who prioritised his penis over your family. No more mental anguish. As PP said, the man is doing whatever he wants, so you do too.

Just move on with your life !! No amount of comfort or money is worthy of your soul like that . You will forever feel like a doormat , you are teaching your children how to be in a bad relationship , trust me they will eventually find out and will loose respect not only for their father but you . And please get checked for STI’s

Guys I truly disagree with not giving things a go. There is a lot to be lost.

The trust and hurt never goes away. It will always be there for the rest of your marriage like a dirty stain you can't get rid of. You will suffer more than him because you will live in pain, resentment and suspicion. I speak from experience. The last 23 years have been hell, I wish I had had the strength to walk away back then. I know I'd of been in a much better place physically and mentally. I'm ashamed I live like this.