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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Would you forgive infidelity?

33 replies

Pippa0321 · 13/11/2022 21:52

Hi all, please don't judge but I'd like to hear from people who have forgiven infidelity and have continued the relationship with that person.

I am pregnant and my boyfriend from over five years has cheated several times during our relationship - I just found out now that I'm 7 weeks pregnant.
He has always been a very very good boyfriend to me and the times he has cheated it has been just sex (that I know). I would have never expected this from him of all people and we have been trying for this baby for over a year.

I'm not saying I'm going to forgive and continue this relationship after everything he has done to me but as you can imagine I'm in a very difficult situation being pregnant and despite everything, I do love him and he loves me, I just want everything to go back to how it was before I found out a few days ago :(

If this happened to you, what did you do and if you decided to continue with the relationship, how did it go? Did he cheat again or you managed to go through everything and it never happened again? Thank you x

OP posts:
Spacebears · 13/11/2022 21:59

Unfortunately, having his baby is not going to stop him from cheating. As you've said, you've been with him years and he has done it several times, he will do it again. I think you need to decide whether that's something you want to deal with in a partner or not. He will not change. If you decide to go ahead, I would go into the pregnancy under the impression of being a single parent if I was you. Carrying and raising a child is hard enough without having to deal with a cheating partner.

WishIhadacrystalball · 13/11/2022 22:00

Op I’m so sorry what a horrible thing to find out especially when you are newly pregnant. How did you find out did he tell you or did you discover it? If he told you may be that he at least wants to be honest and try to move forward. You say he has cheated several times, how many different women? I mean once is bad enough but to repeatedly do it makes it so much worse he has put you in danger of an sti. The fact he has done this several times I feel means he will continue unfortunately. Will you ever be able to trust him? Would you like your son/daughter to grow up seeing this happen to their mum? I know this probably isn’t what you were hoping to hear as you are in love and expecting a baby with this man. You and your child are worth so much more than this, he has broken your trust and that’s something that is very hard to ever get back. I’m so sorry if that sounds blunt 😢

Spacebears · 13/11/2022 22:02

Oh I meant to add. I forgave my ex for cheating plenty times. Regretted it when he got someone else pregnant though. I would never do that to myself or my child again.

steppemum · 13/11/2022 22:04

I do think it is possible to forgive fidelity and move on. But it is unusual.
For me it would be in a very specific context, so a one off/one night stand, no emotional affair, and I would only forgive it happening once.

I do think that people can make a mistake that they sincerely regret. eg a drunken one off, but if it is more than that then it involves deceit, and if it happens more than once then it isn't a mistake that they regret, it is a pattern. If you repeat it, then you didn't regret it enough to care not to do it again.

So in your situation I think your boyfriend has a pattern of infidelity, that is not going to change, that will continue through your whole relationship. He does not regret it, if he did he would not have repeated it. What he regrets is that you found out.

I personally would not be able to live with that.

CrackersDontMatter · 13/11/2022 22:04

In my first marriage my then husband had an affair. It didn't really matter what I would have done as he left me for the OW. However, if he'd asked to stay, I'd have forgiven him. And I'd have been miserable forever. I would have taken him back, and had to try and move on. In hindsight though, I never would have been able to trust him again, and he is definitely the kind of person to have expected me to sweep it under the carpet. He wasn't sorry and he often actually seemed annoyed that I wasn't flying the flags and soooo happy that he had met his one true love.

I can see now that he didn't respect me at all or care about me and had clearly checked out. Him leaving was the best outcome although I couldn't see it at the time but my life without him was easier, I've now met and married a really lovely man and my (and our) children live in a loving and relaxed home where everyone is respected and valued.

Don't sell yourself short. Someone who truly loves you wouldn't repeatedly hurt you the same way over agin.

Lmgify · 13/11/2022 22:10

My mum kept forgiving him, and my dad kept cheating. She’s happy with the fact that he comes back to her every time but I think it breaks her heart every time he does it (been about 2-3 times that I know of). They’re still together, but I look at my dad differently now (only found out it adulthood).

Of course you can stay with him, but would you trust him again? What if he cheats again? What if he leaves you for OW one day?

pumpkinelvis · 13/11/2022 22:15

I couldn't forgive fidelity. The trust would be gone and I'd resent him everyday so the relationship wouldn't survive anyway.

satelliteheart · 13/11/2022 22:16

He has always been a very very good boyfriend to me

He's cheated on your MULTIPLE times. He is NOT a good boyfriend. Raise your bar. He will never change

Chailatteplease · 13/11/2022 22:18

Several times? Absolutely not. You either accept he will cheat or Leave but don’t be under any illusions. I’m sorry you’re going through this in early pregnancy.

Jumpking · 13/11/2022 22:20

I'm sorry you're boyfriend is doing this to you.

For me, I forgave XH the first time. Second time was so much harder to try to forgive. He knew if there was a third time, I was finished. He did it anyway.

Allisfairinloveandwar · 13/11/2022 22:35

I would ask him how he feels if you were to do the same to him. When he gives an answer. Tell him he has 8 months to change because as soon as you push your special bundle of joy, you will be selling the same stuff he is paying for.

If he is happy for you to do it, you then decide whether you really have the stamina to do it or call time on your relationship.

On a second note, if he is having sex with strangers what would you do if your baby tests positive to HIV? Given the fact that he is having casual sex with only hod knows who then you sleep with him without a condom and continue to try for a baby.

I do feel your pain. However, you are most likely to live with the same pain throughout your relationship with him. What is likely to make him change? Birth of baby? 🥺. Pussy gets so stretched. Not only this, sleepless nights, a crying baby a tired mummy, neglecting yourself so that you spend time on him baby and housework.

If I were in your shoes I would either accept it then shut up and turn a blind eye for the sake of ‘ l love him’ or I would enjoy the same freedom he is allowing himself after baby is born or cut my losses and 🏃‍♀️ run as far from him as possible. The last option should have been done 8 weeks ago ❤️❤️ as you will not be able to run to far with ‘his baby’. You will be tied to him and his other women for 18 years.

It a tough decision to make especially when you expecting. Take your time don’t rush. Speak to your family and never cover for him. He is the embarrassing one not you. Sending my love ❤️❤️

BadNomad · 13/11/2022 22:50

What do you want from the relationship? If it's fidelity, well, you're never going to get that. If you just want the relationship, then you'll probably be able to have that if you stop caring about the rest. Turn a blind eye etc.

BigScreen · 13/11/2022 23:14

He's cheated several times.

Don't do this to yourself.

Bonheurdupasse · 13/11/2022 23:16

It depends on the person - it wouldn't matter to me if it were just sex, so there would be nothing to forgive.

StarCourt · 14/11/2022 01:01

op he's cheated on you multiple times. you're pregnant so he's even more likely to cheat on you. sorry to be harsh but it's true.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/11/2022 01:28

Your relationship is an absolute sham. This man doesn't even know what love is, because no one would betray someone they love like he has betrayed you. There will be no happy ending for you if you stay with him.

I would not be burdening a child with having a father like him.

CC32 · 14/11/2022 10:09

Firstly I'm so sorry to hear that you've been treated in such a way. I have been there and unfortunately, in the end it just didn't work out. I was with him for 11 years and each time I forgave him, and each time he took it as a pass to cheat again. The more you let it go and try to work past things, the more he will take it as an indication of what he can get away with.

I ended it eventually and unfortunately my children were then old enough to understand what was happening and I wish I had left sooner for them. I always thought he would eventually see the light and 'change' but there is no incentive to do so if you're always forgiven. I am now in a new relationship 3 years on, pregnant with my third and happier than I've ever been. My current partner wouldn't even glance at another woman and I trust him completely even after everything my ex did.... I know it may not seem this way, but if you was to leave, it will be difficult but it will get better. You deserve more than someone who is happy to cheat on you and think that it is ok to do so, especially whilst trying and becoming pregnant with his child.

Only you can make the decision to stay or go! I hope that things work out for you no matter what you decide OP!

BetterFuture1985 · 14/11/2022 18:36

Pippa0321 · 13/11/2022 21:52

Hi all, please don't judge but I'd like to hear from people who have forgiven infidelity and have continued the relationship with that person.

I am pregnant and my boyfriend from over five years has cheated several times during our relationship - I just found out now that I'm 7 weeks pregnant.
He has always been a very very good boyfriend to me and the times he has cheated it has been just sex (that I know). I would have never expected this from him of all people and we have been trying for this baby for over a year.

I'm not saying I'm going to forgive and continue this relationship after everything he has done to me but as you can imagine I'm in a very difficult situation being pregnant and despite everything, I do love him and he loves me, I just want everything to go back to how it was before I found out a few days ago :(

If this happened to you, what did you do and if you decided to continue with the relationship, how did it go? Did he cheat again or you managed to go through everything and it never happened again? Thank you x

Before it happened to me, I would have said yes I would try and forgive it. However, I made the mistake of doing so when my now ex-wife wasn't really sorry about it and one thing I will say is that the second discovery is a lot worse than the first.

That's not to say you should always refuse to forgive infidelity; people do make mistakes, big ones, that can be recovered from. However, you need to read the situation at a time when you're ill prepared to do so and you do need to muster all the strength you can to think with your head and not your heart.

The reality is if he is a serial cheat, he'll probably do it again. If he thinks betraying you is "just sex" then he clearly doesn't think it matters, is belittling the situation and he'll probably do it again. Also, it's never "just sex." He could well get the OW pregnant and pay child support to them for the next 18 years at a cost to your own family, do you want that?

I would say be very careful to see how genuinely sorry he is and how much effort he makes in order to make amends and I would not rush into any decision. Give it 6 months to a year before you give him anything, make him show he's willing to wait for you. Otherwise he's not being sincere.

HappyToSmile · 14/11/2022 21:01

Is this the sort of behaviour you want your child to be brought up with? He is a serial cheater. He will do it again, why wouldn't he when you always forgive him? I'm sorry if that sounds harsh. Also, will you ever trust him now? Or will you always be wondering where he is or what he's up to if he is late home etc? Because if it's the latter, that is no way to live

pompei8309 · 14/11/2022 21:22

I would get myself to my GP have an abortion and get rid of the idiot. Any other option it will be making your life 100 times more difficult.
He loves you?? you say ?? why is he cheating then? he hasn’t make a stupid mistake once, he’s done it several times, he won’t stop for no child or for you as a matter of fact

Dotcheck · 14/11/2022 21:27

Agree w pp. He ISN’T a good boyfriend- he is however likely to be a very good liar

CatJumperTwat · 14/11/2022 21:29

I'd kick him out and terminate the pregnancy, no question.

Frankola · 15/11/2022 17:11

Has he had sex with multiple other people behind your back? I can't imagine having a baby together will stop that to be honest.

Swampthing55 · 15/11/2022 17:13

No not ever under any circumstances

FinallyHere · 15/11/2022 18:54

Simple answer is no. Not even once.

No second chances, for me.

Very kindly, I like to remind you that at 7 weeks you have choices and options, to ensure you are not tied to someone who does not respect you.

He is definitely not a good boyfriend.

No one who really, truly loves you would be cheating on you. Find someone who really, truly loved you and respects you.