Help Please

[dogmama1]

Can anyone help me!!

My husband came home last evening and told me he is done with our relationship, he wants out and wants the house sold so he can move on. Literally bombarded me with it all within 30 minutes of being home. Shell shocked isn't the word..... I'm devastated and dun-founded. I won't go into details as I don't have the composure right now.

But I'm 30, we own a home together, have been here for 6 years. I'm so determined not to loose my home here, I worked so so hard to get here. It's decorated just as I like, I have three dogs who love it here, it's my home... and I don't want to loose everything because he's decided he doesn't care for it anymore.

My question is about buying him out ; anyone who's been through it able to offer advice.

I've done a lot of googling and this is the conclusion I came to, but I'm not sure if I am right.

Would I need to get a valuation done on the property, then deduct the remaining mortgage from that valuation, and whatever the equity is I would have to pay him 50%?

Allowing of course that the bank would allow me to transfer it solely into my name. I could have a guarantor if needed. But I could more than afford the home and bills alone.

We have debt, but it's his. Which would be cleared from my name.

No kids.

Just frantically looking for guidance and an insight... feeling very stuck. Don't want to loose everything

I expect someone will be along in a minute to talk to you about the house.

But are you sure your DH wasnt just very annoyed about something or other?

He seems pretty mind made up.

We've been having a rough time for a year, due to me being quiet poorly with mental health. I made every effort to fix it, sought private counselling and I'm a lot better.
But he says it's changed things and he's done. I've tried, and I don't want to separate.
But if the options being taken out of my hands I want to try and protect my home. I don't want to go back to nothing. I've worked too hard and given too much of myself to this to loose it all.

I should add - we've only been married 14 months.

Better that he's decided now before kids come along.

I'd seek some legal advice.

Because he's chosen to end it, you may be able to swing more of a percentage.

Are you able to afford the property alone?

In theory what you have suggested about the house is right, however the debts may be considered joint. You need legal advice.

Yeah, it’s roughly Its the equity of the house/ 2, ( possibly minus the debt), that will be the buyout amount, but you need probably legal advice and ensure you can afford the the extra borrowing on one wage etc etc.

No, doesn’t matter really who ends the marriage, that should not affect who gets what,.

You are currently in a whirlwind of shock. By all means investigate buying him out of the house, it may be the right thing for you, but don’t rush into any big decisions. You may find over the coming weeks and months you start thinking of other ideas - would you like to live in a different area? Find somewhere more affordable so you can have a bit more freedom in your life? You also need to make sure that debt doesn’t have any impact on you. But your basic sums are right - you’ll need to give him his share of the equity, and take on the whole of the mortgage.

@Outtasteamandluck

I highly doubt that

They've only been married 14 months so she'll most likely walk away with what she put in.

If the house was bought equally together then that's the starting point for the split

Yet get the house valued - at least 3 Then go from there

Im Sorry to hear is, no wonder you are in a state of shock. You need to look after yourself and get some RL support from family / friends.

Do you need to contact your GP or CPN?

Will your work colleagues / boss be supportive ? Have you gone into work today?

The things you need to do quickly are -

Finding out when he plans to move out . Sooner rather than later is good as it gives you some space , but of course you can’t insist on this as it’s his home as much as yours. So try to persuade him.

Play detective - get copies / photos / details of any financial assets/ liabilities that belong to both of you. Pay slips, tax returns, business details, savings, pensions , ISAa, stocks and shares , credit cards , insurances, cars, savings. Do this now before he hides anything - remember he’s had time to plan this.

Take half the money out of any joint SAVINGS accounts and move into an account in your own name in a different bank. Do this now in case he takes it all.

You might agree to keep a smaller amount in a joint current account if that is what you use to pay household bills.

If your salary is paid directly into a joint account eg for household bills, change that now. Get it paid into your own name account and transfer what you need to a bill account.

Things you don’t have to do now, but you can take time to get legal advice / financial advice -

Find out the value of all ( I repeat ALL ) matrimonial assets and decide how you are going to divide them. Lots of wives have NO IDEA if their husband has a pension and how much is in in - it’s often a great deal more than the equity in the house. So don’t worry too much yet about how much you would have to pay him for his half of the house as that could be set off against your half of his pension.

I know this may not be the case as you are both young and don’t have children so you may not have sacrificed your career for his.

There are different rules about a short marriage but I see that you have been together for more than 7 years so your solicitor will be able to advise.

Things NOT to do-

Don't beg him to stay.

Don't assume he’s telling you the truth about his reasons for leaving - its highly likely that it’s NOT about your mental health and that he has another woman.

Don’t talk to him about your marriage or try to cry on his shoulder or guilt trip him into staying. He is no longer your friend and you can’t trust him not to use anything you say against you. Be cool and businesslike when you have to deal with him.

Do not have sex with him in an effort to show him what he will be missing / recreate the good times. It won’t work and it will make you feel REALLY shit later.

Don’t get drunk when you are with him in case the above happens.

Don’t try to do this alone - everyone needs support from trusted friends and family - as long as they are yours and not his. Don’t confide in any of his family - no matter how close you are to your MIL / SIL etc.

Dont agree to any division of assets or sign anything without legal advice. If he tells you that he wants to divorce “amicably” without lawyers, just nod/ say you don’t know / are not sure. Then get him to give you details of all his assets and all his proposals in writing (letter or email ) and take them straight to your own solicitor. You don’t have to tell your husband you are doing this - legal advice is confidential.

If your solicitor says “ Yes this is a really fair deal and reasonable deal “ then you will know where you stand, and you can choose how to proceed. But 99.9% of the time , men who say this are trying to rip off their wives, so be prepared.

I am in complete shock. I turned this man's life around .... he had nothing before me. Not even a bank account.... and to think he's holding a 12 month period over my head like this is crushing.

The property is a help to buy property. We've been here 6 years, £141k left on mortgage, another £47,000 owed to the government (h2b part) we haven't paid any of that off but are starting to pay interest.
We brought the house for £205k new build. I'm hoping that at the most I'll have to give him around £30k to buy him out. But that's based of my own calculations and without any proper legal advice.
He knows the debt is his and he's already told me he will take it out of his share to pay it off.

I just can't believe at 30, when I thought my life was heading in one direction; I'm now going to be divorced... I never would of gotten married if I thought this is how easily throw away he'd treat it.

My mum is being amazing. I've only told her at the moment, if I'm honest because of absolute humiliation. Going to take me a long time to recover from this I think... which makes it all the more daunting.

Also to add, he's forcing answers out of me currently. Literally 10 minutes after saying he's done he wanted to know what I'm going to go in regards to the house and what needs to happen now and told me he's stuck until it's gone because he has nowhere to go and can't afford to go elsewhere whilst paying the mortgage.

He's acting completely cold to me. Just like that.

I’m so sorry op. I have been there. I got divorced and kept the house - you will need to get a mortgage in your own name so obviously you need to able to afford that. It’s a short marriage and no kids so I assume it’s a 50/50 split.
Get legal advice

Yes I believe I could afford the mortgage alone. I just don't know if I earn enough for the mortgage lender to agree that, as you have to jump through stupid eligibility hoops. However, my family will probably help me in whatever way they can, my mum would likely be a guarantor if needed and allowed.

But this is all based off rough estimates I've made from the internet. As I haven't really spoke to anyone about it yet bar my mum. I'm in such shock. I don't know how to feel.
I have a constant lump in my chest and throat.

He doesn’t have the right to force you into any decisions immediately. He’s obviously been planning this for months so he is way ahead of you practically and emotionally .

Tell your husband that you need time to get financial advice, but get legal as well.

The housing market is slowing down now so you don’t want to rush into getting a market valuation. The higher that is, the more you will have to pay him for his share.

Look after your physical and mental health. That needs to be your top priority.

I understand about feeling ashamed that your marriage is over and your husband is leaving. I felt the same and didn’t tell anyone at first. But all that did was cut me off from sources of support.

Now I have learned to tell people in a low key way “ Unfortunately I’m going through a hostile divorce right now so I’m a bit stressed “ etc . Every single person I’ve told has either been neutrally polite or kind , no one has been nasty or judged me.

Most women say to me that either they have been through the same or their sister / best friend has. Divorce is so common now, it touches every family .

So don’t be afraid to reach out for support.

I think it's the fact it's been such a short marriage. And around the time we got married, several other couples got married around the same date, all of whom have gone onto have a baby or are pregnant. We'd been planning on starting a family next year...

And now this.
I knew he hadn't been very happy, but I believed it was a combination of factors. Work related mostly. I've done nothing but try and be a supportive wife.

My parents were married for 32 years and only split due to illness. And my grandparents together 57 years. I've lasted 14 months. I'm so ashamed. And seeing everyone around me with their partners, with their kids. That's everything I wanted. And now I have to start again...

I'm just determined not to loose the house. I did most the leg work to get us this, managed our money, helped him as he had a previous ccj, no credit score etc.

i can't go into rented with 3 dogs and I'm certainly not abandoning them

Just Hope my the bank can see I can manage on my own. Can I ask what you have to evidence? What you circumstances were? I don't earn a hefty wage. My take home is 1650pm annually around 22k. But if I lived alone our bills would almost half. The debt would be gone and to feed just myself wouldn't cost me much.... just praying I don't loose everything because of this asshole.

I think you will struggle to convince the bank to let you take over the mortgage, I'm afraid.

The typical rule of thumb is that banks will lend around 4-4.5x your salary. If you've got really good credit and use a broker, sometimes it can stretch to 5x (rare).

On £22k per annum, that's a maximum mortgage of £88-£99k.

With £141k left on the mortgage, you'd be asking for 6.5 times your salary, which is unheard of.

That's not even factoring in the £57k of H2B debt. In total that's £188k outstanding, which is 8.5x your salary.

That means you'd fail the affordability criteria and wouldn't be able to take over the mortgage on your own.

A guarantor could help. Although mortgage affordability would be capped at 4.5x your mum's salary in that case (and you might not get the full whack).

So your mum would need to be on £35k+ to guarantee the mortgage or £45k+ to guarantee the mortgage plus H2B debt. Bear in mind they will also take her outgoings (inc mortgage payments on her own home if applicable) into account. So in reality the salary may need to be higher unless she owns her home outright.

You need to find the £30k to buy him out too on top of all that.

I'm not sure what the answer is here. I doubt he'll be amenable to staying on the mortgage, (and courts won't force it in these circs).

What's the pensions / savings situation?

I bet your own MH issues will improve when you’re no longer carrying this parasite of a man. He’s doing you a huge favour getting out of your life. I know it’s painful now, but you will find life easier when you’re only managing YOU.
I think you need to see a solicitor ASAP and seek legal advice about formally separating and ensuring that for the time being he continues to pay his way while he lives there. If he doesn’t want to do that, then he can fuck right off.

Who put the deposit down for the house? If it was you, did you sign anything to confirm it came from you and was yours? Also, after 14 months is it a case of taking out what you put in, so if he put no deposit down he wouldn't get that back out?

Is it your take home that is £22k or your gross?

Could your Mum help in terms of cash to get the mortgage to a doable level?

Use a mortgage calculator online to get an indication of what you could borrow alone.

Your bills won't halve, sorry. Countil tax will be minus 25%, with standing charges for utilities it won't anywhere near halve.

I would write everything down to get it clear in your head, what needs to be done.

My mum keeps saying this - he's been so cruel about it all. It's heartbreaking. I really married an asshole....

We both put down the deposit, albeit I saved more. However, that isn't in writing.

I tried to speak to him this evening, after he had a conversation with me all about his day at work and something that'd gone wrong with his car. I asked him if he'd sleep upstairs tonight (he slept on the sofa last night) he basically scoffed at me. Told me he doesn't want too and said 'your not getting it are you, I'm done' then went onto devour our relationship and told me we aren't a married couple. We have a piece of paper and two rings.
Im under no illusion that the last 12 months haven't been easy, infact, really hard at times. A lot of that due to my illness with depression, but I knew i had to fix that and I did, with zero support from him may I add. However, he always told me nothings going to change until you get help. So I went private.

And now ... he's done. Throwing our whole 8 year realationship down the drain for a rough 12 month period which I struggled to control (depression is powerful!) I'm heartbroken... this isn't what I want but he told me I have no say. He's decided.

I will investigate every Avenue I can to try to keep the house, with my parents support. If, that isn't achievable, I will move back in with my mum. (Won't go into renting as it's dead money and I have 3 dogs to consider)
I will save my equity I get. Continue to save and do my upmost to buy a property of my own. It'll take work but it's achievable.

I'm broken hearted. But I guess now I have to start looking out for number one.
Thank goodness for my mum. Else I don't think I'd be able to survive this.

When me and my ex split up, he bought me out.

We did as you said - had the house valued, calculated the equity in the house then he bought me out and took out an appropriate mortgage to pay for it.

I ended up coming to an agreement with him to share the stamp duty cost as although it was his cost, the decision to break up the relationship was mine. Back then the property prices were much lower though!

I hope you're ok OP. Focussing ok the practical is good but make sure you give yourself time to process what's happened.

Thank you for your continuous kindness toward me in this thread. I've found real comfort in all you've said and advised.

I try to suggest him staying elsewhere, especially as he doesn't seem to be able to get rid quick enough. His response was 'no, why would I, this is my home, I have nowhere to go whereas you do, you have options, I'm stuck'.

Both his parents live abroad. He has 3 siblings though who all live within 15 minutes of us by car. All with their own places. He's choosing to stay.
It's incredibly awkward, he's down on the sofa. I'm upstairs.

We spoke briefly tonight, because when he came home he'd had a rubbish day and offloaded to me, I saw that as him softening and asked if he'd stay upstairs tonight. And it went down like a lead balloon and I had dirt kicked in my face again. (I've written a more detailed explanation in a post just above)

He's told me in no uncertain terms, he is done. He doesn't want to try, not interested in doing so. I've ruined him, broke him, and he wants to be alone. I'm baffled....
married me 14 months ago. A joke of a man. He didn't even have the decency to approach this respectfully.... just dropped it in the most callous and casual passive aggressive way.

But, I am absolutely ashamed. Humiliated. This will spread around our town like wildfire...
30, divorced and potentially living back at mums..

WHEN this is all said and done, I'll never ever forgive him for this. I hope he winds up sad and lonely for life. He has no money management skills. Just after we brought our home I discovered with the credit cards he'd had to take out to increase his credit score, he'd racked up £17,000 worth of debt. He had no means of paying it, the interest was so high he wasn't even touching it.
I only caught on because every month he'd be complaining of being skint. I knew what he was paid... it didn't add up. He went running to his parents, they offered a measly £250 which they wanted paid back £50 a month.

He still owes on one of them.
He does nothing for himself, no cooking, cleaning, paying bills, managing any of it..

He'll end up on his ass.
But, he was still my guy, and I didn't see this coming. We'd weathered a lot together and always came out ok. Never imagined this would be the end....

And I was longing for a baby next year. Couldn't wait - he knew that. Only two weeks ago we were talking about it. So cruel....

I'm sorry to hear you marriage didn't work out wireskills. How long had you been together?

We brought our home for £203k. Looking at other similar properties at the moment, they're going for around £260k currently.
Which, is great if we decided to sell and split as I'd get approx £36k. I'd then move in with my mum, and continue to save and try to achieve £50k and then head out looking for a property of my own.

But, with wanting to try and keep the home, that's not great news, as it means finding the £36k to settle with him, and then meeting mortgage eligibility..
I'm going to explore all options and see what works out best. My ideal would be to stay here though, it's my home, I'm so proud of this achievement, it meant so so much to me when we brought it aged 24.
I've put so much into it, I brought pretty much all of the contents, it's my little sanctuary. We'd literally just done the garden this summer too! I have 3 small dogs who are my absolute world, and I won't go into renting because it's unlikely I could take them all. Which isn't an option, they're my family. I adore them..
mum has said she is happy to be guarantor if needed, she owns a business and does quiet well for herself, so that's a positive. She's also happy for me to move into her if needs be. But, it's a small room and I'd have so much stuff to store. It's all just a minefield. Blows my mind that yesterday morning, he kissed me goodbye, messaged me before I left for work to warn me off traffic build up due to faulty traffic lights, then came home and then this ....
and it wasn't even approached gracefully. It was so passive aggressive, abrupt, cruel and completely dismissive of what he was also ripping away from me too.