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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

IVF without husband's consent, AIBU

42 replies

AnonymousBlue · 07/11/2022 11:48

Dear All
Can I ask if you would divorce your wife if she insisted on using a sperm donor to conceive another child without my consent. I have children from a previous relationship and one with my wife and very much do not want any more (for numerous reasons including finances). I feel like I am being strong armed into a baby I do not want, am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
TitInATrance · 07/11/2022 11:50

Yes, I would. I’d view it in the same way as any other child deliberately conceived outside marriage.

Raininghard · 07/11/2022 11:51

Yes but she should divorce you first. Not because your desire is not reasonable , it is, but neither is hers, she needs to exit the relationship and not force a child into the marriage

DesignerRecliner · 07/11/2022 11:53

If you're not the biological father or on the birth certificate then you're not culpable for child maintenance

BattenburgDonkey · 07/11/2022 11:53

Yes I would. Wether she goes ahead with the IVF or not, if one of you wants children and the other doesn’t it’s a deal breaker.

ArnoldBee · 07/11/2022 11:54

DesignerRecliner · 07/11/2022 11:53

If you're not the biological father or on the birth certificate then you're not culpable for child maintenance

This is not true. If you are legally married you are assumed to be the father so you need this sorting out legally first.

mileaminute · 07/11/2022 11:55

Bloody hell yes I would.

Parky04 · 07/11/2022 11:58

Yes, it's a deal breaker for me. I'm surprised you needed to ask!

PeekAtYou · 07/11/2022 11:59

It would be a dealbreaker for me too.

BeingHeldAtHunPoint · 07/11/2022 12:00

I can’t see any fertility clinic going ahead with this though. Both of the couples have to sign consent forms on a number of occasions when going through fertility treatment.
However, if she’s desperate for a baby there are -seemingly-plenty of men happy to donate without clinic screening/testing.
YANBU to not want more children but she is also NBU to want more than one child. You have more than one, was there a discussion in your relationship about having children before getting to this point?

qpmz · 07/11/2022 12:00

This is extreme! Is she seriously suggesting she'll do this? Bring another baby into the family with no clue who the biological father is and pretend everything's hunky dory?

I could not be with someone who thought this was ok.

MintJulia · 07/11/2022 12:00

Via donor or not, it's a deal breaker for both of you. She wants another baby, you do not.

You want different things from life so you need to go your separate ways.

Pumpkinpatchlookinggood · 07/11/2022 12:01

Legally the dc would be yours. File for divorce ASAP.

Original poster
AnonymousBlue · 07/11/2022 12:05

BeingHeldAtHunPoint · 07/11/2022 12:00

I can’t see any fertility clinic going ahead with this though. Both of the couples have to sign consent forms on a number of occasions when going through fertility treatment.
However, if she’s desperate for a baby there are -seemingly-plenty of men happy to donate without clinic screening/testing.
YANBU to not want more children but she is also NBU to want more than one child. You have more than one, was there a discussion in your relationship about having children before getting to this point?

There was a discussion, but things have changed for her, or perhaps we both heard what we wanted to hear. I do not want to stand in her way if she wants a baby more than the marriage, I absolutely don't think she is being unreasonable, nor would I want to stand in her way to have a baby. I guess I am just sad that it would end the marriage

OP posts:
pastabakeonaplate · 07/11/2022 12:06

Well tbh its up to you and what you would accept. I wouldn't stay, not if I would be expected in anyway to bring up a child I didn't want and had no part in creating.

Original poster
AnonymousBlue · 07/11/2022 12:08

pastabakeonaplate · 07/11/2022 12:06

Well tbh its up to you and what you would accept. I wouldn't stay, not if I would be expected in anyway to bring up a child I didn't want and had no part in creating.

Basically how I feel too. Thank you everyone, there seems to be a pretty unanimous show of support for my thoughts!

OP posts:
Georgeskitchen · 07/11/2022 12:14

If she is adamant she is going ahead you probably need to instigate divorce proceedings. Stating the child is not yours (assuming successful Ivf)
What you don't want is to have to pay for a child which you don't want and isn't yours
How will the IVF treatment be paid for? From her own money?

silverclock222 · 07/11/2022 12:21

No, a marriage is a two way street. It doesn't work for either of you so theres no real way forward is there.

Chimna · 07/11/2022 12:33

Your wife has made it clear she will have a baby with or without you. You can't treat two children living together differently so you would be dad whether related or not. There is no compromise either you leave or become a Dad.

AxolotlEars · 07/11/2022 12:37

Chimna · 07/11/2022 12:33

Your wife has made it clear she will have a baby with or without you. You can't treat two children living together differently so you would be dad whether related or not. There is no compromise either you leave or become a Dad.

As above! If you were married she could put you on the child's birth certificate.

Clymene · 07/11/2022 12:39

DesignerRecliner · 07/11/2022 11:53

If you're not the biological father or on the birth certificate then you're not culpable for child maintenance

Absolutely not true if they're married

Proamble · 07/11/2022 12:40

You can get a divorce for what ever reason you like.

Helenahandkart · 07/11/2022 13:38

IVF has incredibly low success rates. So she may be throwing away her marriage for nothing. This is a really sad situation.
IVF fails 70% of the time. She will have to pay for it as having a child already excludes her from NHS treatment. In my case I threw away £30k on multiple rounds of unsuccessful IVF. Fortunately my husband was with me every step of the way.
She would be wise to really thoroughly investigate the complexities of IVF before throwing away her money and her marriage.
I feel very sad for her, as I know what it is like to be desperate to have a child. Presumably you’re not prepared to reconsider your position?

HipposHaveNipples · 07/11/2022 13:40

BeingHeldAtHunPoint · 07/11/2022 12:00

I can’t see any fertility clinic going ahead with this though. Both of the couples have to sign consent forms on a number of occasions when going through fertility treatment.
However, if she’s desperate for a baby there are -seemingly-plenty of men happy to donate without clinic screening/testing.
YANBU to not want more children but she is also NBU to want more than one child. You have more than one, was there a discussion in your relationship about having children before getting to this point?

Surely she could just say she was single?

SleepingStandingUp · 07/11/2022 13:41

If you're staying you might as well father the child so yes, if it's got to the point of a donor, the marriage is over imo

SleepingStandingUp · 07/11/2022 13:43

@AnonymousBlue does she need ivf regardless or because you won't impregnate her? Where is the money coming from? Personally given you'll nerd to prove you're NOT the Dad to avoid maintenance and how expensive it'll be, I'd be splitting assets and getting a divorce ASAP