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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

IVF without husband's consent, AIBU

42 replies

AnonymousBlue · 07/11/2022 11:48

Dear All
Can I ask if you would divorce your wife if she insisted on using a sperm donor to conceive another child without my consent. I have children from a previous relationship and one with my wife and very much do not want any more (for numerous reasons including finances). I feel like I am being strong armed into a baby I do not want, am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
aroman · 07/11/2022 13:47

Clymene · 07/11/2022 12:39

Absolutely not true if they're married

Show quote history

The husband has to consent to the treatment. If he does not, he will not be the legal father and will have no parental responsibility.

The link below might clear this up if you need to, OP.

www.hfea.gov.uk/treatments/explore-all-treatments/becoming-the-legal-parents-of-your-child/

aroman · 07/11/2022 13:50

Obviously your marriage is not going well if your wife is trying to have a child without your consent.

Why is she doing this?

What is this child's life going to be like, being brought into a world with no father that wants them?

It's extremely selfish and verging on cruel of your wife and I would not be happy either. I would consider ending the relationship if she was genuinely planning to go ahead with this. It's selfish and harmful on so many levels.

1001Daffodils · 07/11/2022 13:53

This would be a deal breaker for me too. Irrespective of the chances of success for IVF, the marriage would be over for me. Make your wife understand that this is a line that your marriage will not cross and survive, if she proceeds with trying to get pregnant with another man's sperm that sadly spells the end for your marriage.

She isn't in the wrong for wanting to have another baby, but she does need to accept that if she wants another baby inside your marriage you have to be on board with that.

Tessabelle74 · 07/11/2022 14:12

This is a sad situation but I'd say your marriage is over. She wants a baby more than she wants you and you can't have one just to please her or you'll end up resenting them both. If she really HAS to have another baby, then let her go and file for divorce before you end up responsible for a child that isn't even biologically yours

rubysparkles1 · 07/11/2022 14:19

She wants to be pregnant by another man. Whether it’s a one night stand or Ivf (without your consent) then that is grounds for divorce. It’s really sad that she is prioritising her broodiness over her Dd and her DH. She’d rather be a single mum of 2 dc rather than staying in a (presumably) otherwise happy relationship with her dd’s dad.

hauntedvagina · 07/11/2022 15:09

Let's flip this... if a man wanted another child and his wife didn't, so the man fathered a child outside of the marriage I think the general consensus would be LTB.

Your wife in entitled to want another child. You are entitled not to. Your wife needs to decide if her want for another child is worth ending her marriage over.

Clymene · 07/11/2022 15:11

Oh wow @aroman - I didn't know that. I thought all children conceived within a marriage were automatically the father's. I know a woman can put her husband's name on a birth certificate if he's not there.

Apologies for getting that wrong.

waterSpider · 07/11/2022 15:44

IVF itself is a bit of a distraction. It's generally the case that when one spouse wants a baby and the other does not, then either one has to compromise or the relationship ends.

oldstudentmum · 08/11/2022 08:35

Well married or not she can’t put your name on birth certificate. If she did she could be prosecuted and clinic would need your consent to be legal parent. In short you don’t consent get divorced.

Pumpkinpatchlookinggood · 08/11/2022 10:26

Even not on the bc still legally married he is considered the df...

anotherscroller · 08/11/2022 10:30

I think you should put the child you already have together first in whatever decision is made.

Tiredofthis2022 · 08/11/2022 10:32

I think the male/female party has to sign a form for IVF. She/He could just contact the clinic and confirm there is no consent.

Kabbalah · 08/11/2022 10:38

AxolotlEars · 07/11/2022 12:37

As above! If you were married she could put you on the child's birth certificate.

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It would easy to prove he was not the father and have the name removed from the birth certificate also I believe it is an offence to make a false declaration on a legal document and that would be paternity fraud.

GreenManalishi · 08/11/2022 10:47

If my DP wanted another child and suggested he use a surrogate mother, and he knew it was a deal-breaker for me, then the relationship would be over.

So I'm with you, of you dinith want the same thing there has to be comprise or you're in trouble. Bringing a child into this situation would be highly selfish and would be making me really consider the future of the relationship with her OP

GreenManalishi · 08/11/2022 10:47

*Don't both

NoDatingForOldMen · 08/11/2022 19:14

hauntedvagina · 07/11/2022 15:09

Let's flip this... if a man wanted another child and his wife didn't, so the man fathered a child outside of the marriage I think the general consensus would be LTB.

Your wife in entitled to want another child. You are entitled not to. Your wife needs to decide if her want for another child is worth ending her marriage over.

100% this, but if I was in your shoes I would already be looking to end the relationship, and if she went ahead it would be divorce in a heartbeat

LadyLapsang · 09/11/2022 22:52

Sounds like there might be more context needed OP. You have fathered three / plus children and your wife has one; did you discuss how many children you were intending having with your wife? Had you both agreed just one or had you led her to believe you may have more children with her but you have changed your mind?

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