Sleeping arrangements for overnights with their Dad

[NeedSleepNow]

My kids have just recently started having overnights with their Dad at weekends. (we have been separated over a year and only just trying overnights from a few weeks ago).

He only has a 1 bed flat so doesn't have enough room for 3 kids to stay easily. At the moment he is trying with the youngest sharing the double bed with him, then one on the small sofa and one on a blow up bed. None of them are finding it easy, the kids come home exhausted and grumpy and they don't particularly want to go. The eldest is so tired that he then struggles to get his school work done (he's now at secondary and has a lot of work to do). We go back to mediation in a few weeks, should I be voicing that this is not the ideal sleeping arrangements for the kids or just going with it to be seen to be trying to work with him? I find him very hard to talk to as he can be a bully, I feel I have no voice around him. I do not want to encourage further overnight contact as there is history of emotional abuse and the older two in particular often do not want to go at all. I was told at mediation that I basically need to force them to go rather than just make them available as the middle child at 10 is not old enough to know what is best for her (she was often refusing to see him).

We are sorting out finances at the moment so he should be able to rent a bigger place or buy somewhere more suitable soon where he has more space and proper beds for them. I want them to have a good relationship with their Dad so know contact and overnights are needed but I certainly do not want them staying too often given the history of abuse and that he can be a bully.

Sorry I'm not too sure what I'm asking really, I'm just finding this whole process so draining and so are the children.

*18 months after we split up

They've been going out there for about a year now so it still feels fairly new to them. Before that they didn't see him for a year due to covid and when he first moved out there he just came back for occasional weekends

I'm glad things are much more settled now for you and your children.

I'm mulling over this impending scenario too OP. 3 children albeit much younger than yours. I refuse to do nesting. This is my home now which he walked out of and pays no bills on. Fuck if I'm coming back on a Sunday to clean and pick up after his untidy arse if he's been here playing worlds greatest daddy every other weekend. I can't see him affording anything more than a 1 bed either for the foreseeable. So on that basis I won't be facilitating overnights as I don't think it's fair on the children. They can spend days with him but I want them back in their beds at the end of the day. I'm not comfortable with him sharing beds with them when they reach a certain age I just don't think it's appropriate either.

I feel there is so much pressure to allow overnights regardless of whether it is what is best for the children.

My eldest was exhausted this weekend after having an awful night's sleep on a blow up bed. He was in tears last night as he was so tired and emotional. Overnights have been purely for his dad's benefit not his. I find the system so infuriating.

How old are your children?

A mediator shouldn't have to push for a father to have overnights - they should automatically be happening. I suspect the mediator hasn't pushed at all it is how the OP perceives it because she doesn't want the father to gave overnight contact.

The reality is it will happen. No court would not grant overnight contact in the circumstances described by OP. The reality is the way to resolve this is for the finances to get sorted so he can move on.

It seems pretty rubbish at the moment but both the kids and OP will get through and indeed it will get easier once he has a new place with beds.

Look on those nights as a break for you and try not to think of it as him "taking" them from you which I fear may be the issue really.

@NeedSleep pre school age twins and a 6 year old. Not all the same sex

I suppose at the moment I don't believe STBEXH will take me to court/mediator over access. He can't afford it for one. And secondly he values his sleep more than anything so can't see him voluntarily giving himself a bad nights sleep by sharing with young children

If I honestly thought in the future it's in the children's interest to stay overnight with him then fine - but they'd need their own room. No temporary beds, bed sharing or blow ups. If he can't/won't provide that then as their mother in my view it's in their best interest to come home to their own beds.
I'm not forcing them to sleep like that to satisfy some courts view that to maintain a healthy relationship with their father they need to share a bed!

@SeasonFinale That's simply not true. A court will not automatically give overnight contact to a parent who does not have the resources for the children to be comfortable. A court will not force a child to sleep on a couch when they have a bed/bedroom elsewhere.

Overnight's shouldn't be happening automatically when it is not in the best interest of the child. It is hard enough for children to adapt to two homes but expecting them to suck up crap living conditions is not in their best interest. It only serves to make the non-residential parent feel better about the relationship.

There is simply nothing in the OP's post that suggests that a court would not grant overnight contact in this case. There is nothing to suggest that it is in the best interests of these children to not maintain a relationship with their father nor not stay over which is why an experienced mediator has suggested this should be taking place.

Did you miss the part about child sleeping on a small sofa and the children being subject to emotional abuse? Why can't children maintain a relationship with their father without spending overnights in his flat? An experienced mediator would explore other ways that this can happen. They would not push for an older child be forced to sleep on a couch against their will.

Hi @NeedSleepNow It has settled down, is smoother and easier to manage because the routine is the same every week. One night a week at Dad's and then every other weekend at his.

You need to think of their time away as time for yourself. Try to relax and look after yourself. Go out for dinner, or to the cinema. Get your life back a bit.

I read the Co-Parenting Handbook - you might find this helpful.

www.wob.com/en-gb/books/karen-bonnell/co-parenting-handbook/9781632171467?gclid=CjwKCAiAvK2bBhB8EiwAZUbP1FC7f82YAE5-j0luYsDUSzv-kQw77wtTTrt5QgTyXDQ2l-aFGxiWHhoCNnEQAvD_BwE#GOR009581937

Thank you, I will take a look at it

I’m having similar issues DS 4 stays with his Dad and Partner 2 nights a week. He is sleeping on a bed settee in the dining room.

Dad and Partner have a bedroom as do her 2 children.He’s coming back exhausted and saying he doesn’t like sleeping downstairs.

That's quite young to be sleeping downstairs on his own. I think most 4 year olds wouldn't like that. It's so hard isn't it.

It really is everytime I try to discuss things with my ex he thinks I’m having a dig at him and his partner so it’s impossible to have a discussion with him.

My ex is impossible to discuss things with to. He sees everything as a personal attack