Do I need a solicitor? Divorce advice please.

[AndPeggy08]

My husband walked out about 6 weeks ago following a relationship of 20 years and marriage of 15 years.

Yesterday he asked for a divorce (after I caught him in a lie - pretty convinced he is cheating, although he will never admit it).

He wants to do this ‘amicably’ and in the cheapest way possible. I don’t have much money so would like to avoid expensive solicitor fees as much as possible but am worried I’m putting myself in a vulnerable position if I don’t get some advice.

He says he is going to bring a form for me to sign which I assume is for a ‘No Fault Divorce’. Can anyone explain what the process is from there? What do we need to provide/fill in.

Both of our names are on the mortgage and have been for the last 17 years. I spent a good few years as a SAHM until the kids were 9. I now work full time - would I be entitled to 50% of the equity in the house because my name is on the mortgage or could he argue that he was paying the mortgage for all those years while I wasn’t working? We had twins so the cost of childcare would have wiped out my entire wage making it pretty pointless to work when they were very young.

How is this agreement made - do we sit down and try to work it out ourselves and if we agree that’s all good?

I know the reality is that I need to get advice ASAP but I’m hoping someone can explain the process first so that I know how important it is that I spend money on a solicitor and whether I should avoid signing anything until I’ve done that. I want to believe he would be a decent enough person to split everything down the middle but the last few weeks have proven that he is not the decent person I once thought he was ☹️.

I theory it can all be done amicably without a solicitor but the fact you’re asking about 50/50 split on the basis of being a SAHM for a bit shows you would benefit from some legal advice. I know it seems expensive but believe me it’s less expensive than losing tens of thousands in your divorce.

The start point is 50:50 of all martial assets regardless of whose name they are in - house equity, savings, pensions, anything else of significant value. Start gathering the information about everything now. How old are the children and where will they live?

Draw up a basic agreement between you if you wish, but dont sign anything until you have advice.

Do not sign anything.
Ring around some family solicitors, you can get a free first chat (despite some on MN saying you can’t).
Find out approximately what your house is worth, do you both have private pensions, do you know what they are worth, write down both of your bank accounts and what’s in them, write down how long you were a SAHM.

Thanks so much @LadyGardenersQuestionTime

I know deep down I am going to have to spend some money on a solicitor - I’ve tried searching online to find out whether being a SAHM would affect what equity I can get from the property but can’t seem to find the information I need.

My children are both 14 and they reside with me. He has made little effort with them since he left and does not have them overnight.

I’m hoping that the fact we are both on the mortgage/title deeds, and the consideration that I was SAHM to benefit us both in terms of childcare costs, means that I am entitled to half.

He's not on your side, he's now looking out entirely for himself. Don't. Sign. Anything.

Other people with better detail and legal brains will give you more specific advice, but I just wanted to say that. You are right he's not the decent person he used to be or you thought he was. You have to get savvy, whatever it takes. Good luck OP.

50% is a starting point, you may find it’s actually more.

Go to Wikivorce - govt supported resource with loads of info and advice. Also you can find a fixed fee solicitor. We did Mediation for the money side (yes you would be entitled to 50%) and I had a fixed fee solicitor. Ex-DH did not use a solicitor. divorce.wikivorce.com

You've got it the wrong way round - 50/50 of everything (including pensions, all assets and debts) is the Starting point- but sahms can get more because you gave up potential earnings for his. Note, that's not necessarily the case, but it was for me, so just letting you know it's possible.
Be very cautious, from the way he's acting, he's probably hiding something, possibly a pension.
You must both fill in form E, a legal. Disclosure of all your assets.

Thanks @KangarooKenny

We have about 70k left to pay on the house and I reckon it would sell for at least £170k so was hoping for half of that equity.

Although he is 51 he won’t have much of a pension. He paid into one briefly in his 20s and only just started paying into one again when he started a new job back in March.

I have only paid into a pension for the last 5 years so we’re not talking big amounts.

Have no clue what’s in his bank account as we always kept separate accounts - not my choice, he didn’t seem to want to get a joint account and I didn’t push it. I don’t think he will have much in his current account but was self employed until earlier this year so may have a little in his business account.

I was a SAHM for 9 years but that saved us a lot of money on childcare ( we have twins) so although I wasn’t physically paying the mortgage, I feel like I’ve contributed to the household in terms of minimising costs.

Do you earn significantly less than him? You'll possibly get more than half.

I currently earn about £10k per annum less than him (although he has told our 14 year old son that he earns more than he told me he was earning so whether this is true or whether he’s just trying to make it look like he has a better job than he does is anyones guess)

Neither of us are what I would call high earners.

I earn £27000 currently (but on secondment - will go down to £25000 when secondment ends).

He says he earns £35000 (told our son he earns £40000 though)

If your on less money than him you will actually be entitled to more of the house share. You need to get advise. I don't actually agree with this but it happened to a family member of mine both on very good wages however husband on extremely good wage (director of company) he was only entitled to 30% of the house equity. She actually cheated on him as well but he only got 30% and she got 70%!! Get advise so you know exactly what your entitled too.

Open a bank account in your name only. That was the first bit of advice I got when I had my first appointment with my divorce lawyer.

You definitely need some initial legal advice and possibly ongoing. He sounds a bit dodgy and will probably try and withhold assets.

The sahm part is possibly relevant in terms of pensions contributions and if your earnings now have been impacted

who paid what is not so relevant

whatvwill be relevant is

your respective ages
tiur earnings and earnings potential
assets available
housing needs
ages of children ( ability to work etc)
who has majority care
length of marriage

you’ll be entitled to a fair share
which could be 50% but could also be more or less depending on your own circumstances You’re not automatically entitled to half as people on these boards suggest

Whilst your children are that age you shpuld get more as you need at least a x bed home to house them. When they're 18 and over the law i think says you only need a one bed for yourself. Conversely if he isn't having the children for any overnights and has no intention of doing so, he needs a one bed only now. Otherwise if he does have them, your housing need would be equal. So I'd crack on now as divorce can take years. Ans yes, you have contributed at least equally to the marriage and fam home even if not technically paying mortgage yourself and pension will have taken hit for all years not working, whilst saving him money in childcare as well presumably. Strike now, be decisive, get what's fair.

It doesn't matter a jot that you didn't work for several years. No court will give a hoot - all a court is interested in its who has the greater earning potential going forward and how much each of you need in order to house yourselves and your children. You will find that you are much more likely to be awarded MORE THAN 50% - (1) because you earn less than him, therefore you need more money to house yourself, and (2) it sounds like you're the primary parent.

You 100% need a solicitor - otherwise you'll likely end up inadvertently agreeing to much less than you're entitled too.

Secondly, it doesn't matter what your H has told you about his income and/ir savings or pensions. If you instruct a solicitor, the first thing he or she will do is write to your H asking for savings, income and pensions. Your H is legally obliged to provide 12 months' of statements/pay slips if anything doesn't seem right, so he won't be able to hide earnings or anything from you.

Gather together:
Bank account numbers
Savings account numbers
Pension details
Mortgage details
Scans of house deeds and marriage certificate
Get an online mortgage broker to assess how much you alone could borrow for a mortgage
Price up properties in your area
Have your house valued

Take all that to a solicitor. It will be the best £250-£300 you've ever spent.

• From someone who has just been to a solicitor and found all the above out and considers it the best £300 I ever spent.

I have used a company called amicable - that's when you both broadly agree and want to save costs. It's still expensive!
Neither of you sound like you have huge assets (but wait til you see pension valuation, just in case)
You'd expect a starting point of 50:50 as it's a long marriage (well, medium long) and there's no reason why you would start with less (eg if you were not looking after the kids at all)
This will take ages to sort out, take your time.

Meanwhile, why not sort child maintenance as that's something separate you could focus on

Whilst I get why people often say the starting point is a 50:50 split, in reality it is a possible end point. A long marriage and kids means your wealth is combined and it doesn’t matter who paid for it or what you put in financially or as a homemaker. The divorce will split that up according to “needs” post divorce.

For us common people need is housing and maybe future pension provision. It sounds like pension situation is negligible it is worth checking on what you both have as it might tip a negotiation. At 51, he might want to hang onto his pensions and give you a bit more equity.

I’m guessing you want to buy and therefore need a mortgage and an equity share big enough for a deposit.

Although you earn £25k you might have more income post divorce with benefits and child support. This can be the basis of you getting a mortgage.

In your shoes, I would think about what is happening in the mortgage and housing market. If the government sort out the national finances cheaper products will come back for a period. But over time they will rise as the BOE put up interest rates.

Getting legal advice is good but your situation is not that complicated. Don’t get carried away with a long fight. There is definitely benefit to be amicable and keeping costs down in this situation. Wasting time and thousands on a lawyer might tip you out of mortgage affordability.

Work out your future income and consult a mortgage broker about what you can borrow and how. Think about time, it is relevant here. Buying him out for £30-40k on a decent fixed deal when they come back could be the solution until the kids get to adulthood.

I do agree that 50:50 can be both the start and end point. I was quite happy with 50:50 - for me, it was a fair outcome.

It's just threads, like these, so often the woman sounds so uncertain about their entitlement to half.

It's very good advice, @LemonTT to not get carried away with a long drawn out fight over small assets. I've seen friends waste £10k on a similar sized asset spilt. What a waste!
Hopefully he will be cooperative and you can resolve this fairly and speedily

It's certainly true that if you both pay for solicitors and the process becomes one of combat, then you could easily lose about £30,000 of the £170,000 you appear to be needing to split (plus any savings, plus pensions).

Another factor is time. Maybe the right to remain in the house until the children are 18 (only four years away) may count for something, too? That assumes you can pay the mortgage on your own, which given your salary may be at the do-able but challenging end of things, so might rely on him continuing to pay towards that.

My suggestion would be to say it has to be 50/50, but he needs to pay child maintenance right away, and that his share may not be 'ready' for a few years.
Others who divorce a while ago may tell stories about getting a lot more than 50%, and that certainly used to happen, but these days it tends to be closer to 50/50, particularly when both are working FT and there isn't a large amount to be shared. I mean, you could get a bit more than 50%, but do think about issues of timing, and having a co-operative ex may also count for something -- though don't settle for less than half simply to 'keep the peace'.

So, yes, you should certainly get half. If he's agreeable, then great. If you have to do a legal battle, both of you may get less £.

Other thing - divorce is three processes. The legal ending of the marriage; the financial division; the arrangements for children. All need to be resolved, and best if that happens at the same time.

As guidance, when ex-H and I divorced I had been a SAHM for 5 years (kids were 3 and 5). We had £200k equity and I got £150k and ex-H got £50k. This reflected our relative earning power at the time (him on £200k+ per year and me on nil). I was expected to re-train and get a job as soon as possible. I retrained as a solicitor.

Obviously, I had a lawyer acting for me in the divorce and wouldn't have got anything like this amount without one. I paid the lawyer from the divorce settlement.

See a couple of lawyers, go with one you trust, and ask if you can pay them (or at least some of what you'll have to pay) from the settlement.

Agree with others that there’s not much to split and solicitors will soon rack up bills reducing the pot for both of you

yiu should be able to resolve this with minimal input from solicitors really

youll both need to compromise and have a level of reality - you are unlikely ti end up deviating materially from 50:50 here based on assets, earnings of both and ages of children so if you’re going to didn’t money fighting for 80-90 % etc I’d say you’re wasting money

This thread will be useful to you
www.mumsnet.com/talk/divorce_separation/4664756-what-do-i-need-to-do-about-our-pensions?reply=121093079