Do I need a solicitor? Divorce advice please.

[AndPeggy08]

My husband walked out about 6 weeks ago following a relationship of 20 years and marriage of 15 years.

Yesterday he asked for a divorce (after I caught him in a lie - pretty convinced he is cheating, although he will never admit it).

He wants to do this ‘amicably’ and in the cheapest way possible. I don’t have much money so would like to avoid expensive solicitor fees as much as possible but am worried I’m putting myself in a vulnerable position if I don’t get some advice.

He says he is going to bring a form for me to sign which I assume is for a ‘No Fault Divorce’. Can anyone explain what the process is from there? What do we need to provide/fill in.

Both of our names are on the mortgage and have been for the last 17 years. I spent a good few years as a SAHM until the kids were 9. I now work full time - would I be entitled to 50% of the equity in the house because my name is on the mortgage or could he argue that he was paying the mortgage for all those years while I wasn’t working? We had twins so the cost of childcare would have wiped out my entire wage making it pretty pointless to work when they were very young.

How is this agreement made - do we sit down and try to work it out ourselves and if we agree that’s all good?

I know the reality is that I need to get advice ASAP but I’m hoping someone can explain the process first so that I know how important it is that I spend money on a solicitor and whether I should avoid signing anything until I’ve done that. I want to believe he would be a decent enough person to split everything down the middle but the last few weeks have proven that he is not the decent person I once thought he was ☹️.

www.advicenow.org.uk/tags/separation-divorce-and-dissolution-civil-partnerships

Thanks everyone,

Your replies have been really helpful and have given me a lot to think about.

I’ve tried to message him tonight to talk about what he sees as a fair split but he is just ignoring my messages completely so I think it is going to be a more difficult process than I had hoped ☹️

Do not sign anything with solicitor approval. Some solicitors offer a free first consult for basic questions, others offer a fixed fee consult. Ring around.

Offer to go to mediation run by solicitors, rather than court, but remind your DH that the judge will refuse to sign off on any unfair deals so there is no point in him trying to railroad you.

Good luck ☘

Long post. Hope it's helpful :) might be a lot to take in as it's a tough situation. You can come back to it if it's information overload.

You've got this, and there is support available. Take good care of yourself. Breathe.

Re: talking about what a fair split would be, think about whether you both really know what all the assets of the marriage are, and what each of them is worth.

To know what a fair split of assets is, and to reach a financial settlement, divorcing parties need to know what the all assets of the marriage are, and what each asset is worth.

Look at a Form E - when you have some time.
It's a long document in which each party sets out their assets, income, and financial needs. In Form E you can read about the assets that are taken into consideration upon divorce and in the financial settlement aspect, for example property (the former marital home/second homes), pensions, bonds, stocks and shares etc.
Form E also lists the documents needed to show the value of each of these assets for example CETVs (cash equivalent transfer values of pensions - which can be requested from pension providers).

Form E shows what full financial disclosure looks like

To find out what some of the assets are worth an independent expert can be used. Property can be valued by estate agents, pensions by CETV from the pension provider, and / or a pension on divorce expert (PODE) report, and so on.
If the offer is one party keeps the house and the other keeps their pensions, how do the parties know this is fair or 50 / 50 without valuations?

It is important to decide what needs a valuation by an independent expert and factor in the costs of these. The costs can be shared and instructions to the experts can be joint.

Pensions are sometimes overlooked. They can be very valuable – equivalent or more than the value of the former martial home in some cases. Divorcing parties might hold different types of pensions (not like-for-like, so difficult to compare without an expert). Circumstances might be complex for example an age difference or pensions in payment. One party may have stayed at home to look after children. @AnnaMagnani and @silentpool made some useful comment about it on this thread:
www.mumsnet.com/talk/divorce_separation/4664756-what-do-i-need-to-do-about-our-pensions?reply=121093079

A mediator can help. In some cases this is not appropriate - the mediator will advise. Mediators are a cost effective option and it's my (limited) understanding that parties receive a report on what been agreed which they sign (the mediation agreement).

www.familymediationcouncil.org.uk/find-local-mediator/
They say on the site, "Family mediation is a process in which an independent, professionally trained mediator helps you work out arrangements for children and finances following separation".

When splitting the assets of a marriage read about what is taken into consideration here:
www.legislation.gov.uk/ukpga/1973/18/section/25

The income, earning capacity, property, and other financial resource which each of the parties to the marriage has or is likely to have in the foreseeable future.
As I understand it, first consideration is given to the welfare (while a minor) of any child of the family who has not yet attained the age of eighteen.
The needs of each divorcing party are taken into account and as I understand it 50 / 50 is the starting point – so unequal shares based on circumstances and needs is possible, for example 60 / 40.

Advice, Guides and Links
For a free advice session about pensions on divorce and separation go to www.moneyhelper.org.uk/en/family-and-care/divorce-and-separation/divorce-or-dissolution-how-we-can-help-with-your-pension

Free advice line (busy so keep trying) rightsofwomen.org.uk

Guides on divorce and financial settlement (to read when you have time / energy)
www.advicenow.org.uk/guides/how-apply-financial-order-without-help-lawyer

Pensions on divorce information (to read when you have time / energy)
www.sharingpensions.co.uk/penaudit3.htm
www.mediateuk.co.uk/the-ultimate-guide-to-pensions-on-divorce/
www.nuffieldfoundation.org/news/new-good-practice-guide-addresses-shortfall-in-understanding-of-how-to-treat-pensions-on-divorce
Valuation of pensions – pensions on divorce expert report
www.collinspensionactuaries.co.uk no relation – useful website
www.collinspensionactuaries.co.uk/pension-data-collection/ templates for information required

Proper legal advice is needed.
(this is not my profession)

This link gives you an indication of hourly rate for solicitors
www.gov.uk/guidance/solicitors-guideline-hourly-rates

Some organisations offer free advice from solicitors and barristers rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/
On their FAQs page…”Our Legal Officers and Volunteer legal advisors are all solicitors and barristers”.

Some family solicitors offer an in initial free consultation and some a fixed fee rather than hourly.

Some barristers can be directly instructed e.g., via Clerksroom Direct

I wouldn’t make that assumption. This is a serious negotiation for a material amount of money. It’s not something you can have over messenger services. I would not have responded to your ask. Not because I was being adversarial but because it would be a reckless thing to do.

A top tip for any emotional situation especially a negotiation is not to immediately react to anything especially emails and texts. Take time to cool down and to move to a rational position that is informed is part of being amicable.

The next stage is mediation. This is where you will start disclosing information and then setting out potential asks. It will also be were you can start to read how he is likely to behave.

A lot of people enter divorce with misinformation and wrong headed expectations. Mediation and first contact with reality usually puts them right.

@LemonTT

You are absolutely right - I’m just all over the place at the moment - this was a pretty unexpected split and he’s quickly jumped to wanting a divorce so I guess I’m in panic mode and want to talk everything through to know where I stand - but of course, he may want more time to mull it all over.

Unfortunately he is probably several steps ahead on that and has been thinking about what he wants for a while.

Not a problem, because you can take your own time, but it's why you feel on the back foot

Quite possibly he has developed a little fantasy of giving you a tiny amount and you being happy. Connection with reality will soon resolve that

Knowing he wants to move quickly is a negotiating lever. Speed is something you can “give” or “withhold” to get some of your wants. Don’t overplay this and round down the clock to the point where he has nothing to gain.

wait for him to ask for mediation and then tell him to organise it. In the meantime start being practical.

Submit a CMS claim. It will help you get to the bottom of his income, trigger the conversation on whether the children stay overnight with him. At 14, they will decide if they want this if he is offering to have them.

put in a claim for UC.

When you know your single income, find out how much you can borrow and research the local housing market.

Get the property valued

An ex- in a hurry -- suggests new partner on the scene, as you suspect.

In addition to thinking about 50/50, maybe think about how much you could raise as a payoff if he wants money quickly.

I don’t want to be mean, but I think you’re being naive. He wouldn’t have a joint account, has given different accounts of how much he earns, you don’t know what his savings and pension look like. This is all sudden, he wants a quick split. I’d bet my bank account that he’s got money put away that he’s hoping to hide from you and a new partner. Do not sign anything without a solicitor seeing it first. Do not get persuaded in to “being nice”. Be fair, be firm, educate yourself on your rights.

I recommend having a look at www.divorcewithoutlawyers.co.uk . Loads of information, the point of which is not necessarily to do away with lawyers altogether, but to educate you sufficiently that you only pay for a lawyer’s time for the bits you actually need.

My solicitor made it clear that whether one person pays the mortgage and the other looks after children both those contributions are viewed equally so don’t think because you didn’t work while he paid the mortgage that your contribution is any less important than his. I’m

Ask for 65% of the equity as you have the responsibility of 14 years old. If he refuses tell him if I go down solicitor route, you will ask for the same if not more, then also ask to remain in the home until kids are at least 18. This way, he will realise his 35% later if the case goes is contested. Clean break 65%. Claim CSA assp

Stop asking MN and start to do your own research

1. go to government web site for divorce - clearly explains process, answers some of your questions, and you can see all the forms used. If you’d bothered to even spend 5 mins looking at this you’ll see there is ONLY no fault divorce now
2. go to Advice Now web site. Download for £20 a pop their guides on divorce, financial settlement etc. That might seem expensive but a solicitor will cost you £200 roughly per hour so will save you loads of money. If you are amicable you can share the guides and both save money. They explain how to do stuff, when you must use solicitor, when you moght, and when you really don’t need one. They’re written by a charity of solicitors in uk, and even provide links to solicitor who’ve agreed to work for fixed fee to do specific tasks you actually want/need . Worth their weight in gold. Brilliantly written. Best £40 I spent
3. Mediates site is also good . Gives good overview on most things

Do your own research. Figure out how it applies (hopefully with 2 of you together figuring it out) to you. Save a fortune on solicitors and time it takes. remember every question you ask a solicitor and they answer will cost you at that £200/Hr. Be very careful you don’t ask them anything that you could find out for yourself, or do yourself.

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