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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

OW has moved in - agreement from lawyer?

29 replies

Adamclaytonisfine · 10/10/2022 15:58

Hi all

So my xh moved out at the start of July and was in temp accommodation until this week. Our kids (8 and 10) haven't even seen his new place and he tells me his new gf is moving in. Do I have a leg to stand on about her meeting them? If as he says it started after he left, it's only been 3 months and I think it is too soon for her to meet my children. I don't want people in and out of their lives as they are still getting used to us being separated.

Will a lawyer draft an agreement to say that he needs to see them without her? Or do I just need to be the bigger person and trust they will understand? I will never stop him seeing them but I suffer with my mental health and I know he will just make me out to be a crazy jealous ex.

Any help is appreciated. Thanks

OP posts:
YesItsMeIDontCare · 10/10/2022 16:00

Do I have a leg to stand on about her meeting them?

Short answer - no.

If you have reason to believe the children could be in danger then consult a lawyer, possibly SS.

RoseAndRose · 10/10/2022 16:04

Agree with PP

You have no legal recourse at all unless you think the person poses a risk.

One parent simply does not get the right of veto on who the other parent sees when the DC are with them

I also agree with you that it stinks - far too soon to be introducing a new girlfriend. But there isn't a damn thing you can do about it

ILoveAnOwl · 10/10/2022 16:09

Mine introduced his after knowing her for two weeks. She came for a 'sleepover' whilst I was away for the weekend (we were seperated but living in the same house. The children did not know we were seperated) .

Awful, but literally nothing I could do about it.

10 months on and she's now my son's teacher. So that's lovely.

CloudPop · 10/10/2022 16:10

ILoveAnOwl · 10/10/2022 16:09

Mine introduced his after knowing her for two weeks. She came for a 'sleepover' whilst I was away for the weekend (we were seperated but living in the same house. The children did not know we were seperated) .

Awful, but literally nothing I could do about it.

10 months on and she's now my son's teacher. So that's lovely.

OMG Angry

CloudPop · 10/10/2022 16:11

It doesn't post my reply. Was saying OMG - what a nightmare

PAFMO · 10/10/2022 16:14

For your children's sake, and despite what you may think of your ex and his new partner, you really need to let them have a "normal" relationship with him.

TheFormidableMrsC · 10/10/2022 16:16

My ex-husband's solicitor told him an absolute minimum of 6 months. However, there is nothing to stop him doing what he wants unless there is a potential safeguarding issue. So sorry, it stinks and they make me sick, trying to normalise their grubby affairs but doing the "look at us, happy families" parade. Never mind how the children might feel. Selfish cunts.

Original poster
Adamclaytonisfine · 10/10/2022 16:24

ILoveAnOwl · 10/10/2022 16:09

Mine introduced his after knowing her for two weeks. She came for a 'sleepover' whilst I was away for the weekend (we were seperated but living in the same house. The children did not know we were seperated) .

Awful, but literally nothing I could do about it.

10 months on and she's now my son's teacher. So that's lovely.

I'm sorry to hear this. It makes me sick too. But you're right I guess I don't want to cause any issues with their relationship (the kids and their dad, I mean) so ill just have to suck it up. I don't think she poses any risk.

This sucks 😒

OP posts:
Chasingsquirrels · 10/10/2022 16:29

Do I have a leg to stand on about her meeting them?
No

Will a lawyer draft an agreement to say that he needs to see them without her?
Potentially, some lawyers will do whatever their client says then to do.
But, why would he sign such a draft agreeement?
A lawyer could wrote to him telling him the same thing, but it wouldn't be legally enforceable.
If you don't think he is likely to agree, then consulting a lawyer on this specific issue is money down the drain, and if he is likely to agree then talk to him about it and save the legal fees.
-
It is horrible, I do understand that, but there is nothing you can do about it - so you have to work on accepting it yourself and building the best co-parenting relationship with him that you can, for the sake of your children.

Ponderingwindow · 10/10/2022 16:33

Not really.

what I would ask for is “right of first refusal” for child care. That means that if either of you is leaving the children with someone for more than a certain number of hours you have to offer the other parent the time. It has to be reciprocal so you will have to offer it to him as well. It should stop him from just offloading the kids on her and disappearing during his custody time though.

gogohmm · 10/10/2022 16:49

No, you don't get to decide what his does with his custody time. Unless there's a safeguarding issue of course, anyway there's not a set period when it magically becomes the right time, every relationship is different, I knew straight away

lillyrabbit · 10/10/2022 16:54

gogohmm · 10/10/2022 16:49

No, you don't get to decide what his does with his custody time. Unless there's a safeguarding issue of course, anyway there's not a set period when it magically becomes the right time, every relationship is different, I knew straight away

You may have known ‘straight away’ but what about the poor kids?! 3 months is too soon and I imagine would be very confusing for them. I do agree however that unfortunately there is nothing the OP can legally do to prevent this.

TheVanguardSix · 10/10/2022 16:57

No leg to stand on, I’m afraid. And don’t waste money on lawyer’s letters. Court orders lay down the law. Lawyer’s letters don’t; they are pretty much expensive loo roll and they carry no weight. Keep that in mind and save your money (and pick your battles). It really will all be ok eventually. It takes time to find peace. 💐

Original poster
Adamclaytonisfine · 10/10/2022 18:07

gogohmm · 10/10/2022 16:49

No, you don't get to decide what his does with his custody time. Unless there's a safeguarding issue of course, anyway there's not a set period when it magically becomes the right time, every relationship is different, I knew straight away

I see your point to an extent, however as far as the kids were aware their parents were married happily and now they are not only coming to terms with us separating, but with their dad having a new girlfriend which means he barely has any time to see them. He might have "known straight away" but it's a huge slap in the face to me and the kids and shows a massive lack of respect I feel.

But thanks everyone I knew that was the case really, I just wanted opinions to see.

OP posts:
Pumpkinpatchlookinggood · 10/10/2022 18:15

Nowt sours a new tryst like a dose of dc...

gogohmm · 10/10/2022 18:20

@Adamclaytonisfine

Unfortunately you will have to deal with the fallout, you can try asking nicely but legally no, that was your question.

Ultimately you are likely to disagree over many things but being able to bite your lip or compromise will help things easier in the long term. Mine are adults now and I have to go to a thing with exh for one of them, won't be easy but life moves on, life is actually better for me know despite him leaving me

YellowTreeHouse · 10/10/2022 18:22

No. He can do whatever he wants with them on his time, they can see whoever he wants and whoever he chooses can look after them. And he doesn’t need to tell you about any of it. It’s really none of your business.

You’re equal parents - they’re his children too.

otherwayup · 10/10/2022 18:22

gogohmm · 10/10/2022 16:49

No, you don't get to decide what his does with his custody time. Unless there's a safeguarding issue of course, anyway there's not a set period when it magically becomes the right time, every relationship is different, I knew straight away

Wow, how unbelievably naive of you.

I knew from the first date that dh was the one but put my dc first and didn't introduce them for over a year.
They're adults now and have actually thanked me for the way I behaved.
My lovely dd is in therapy still trying to come to terms with the shitshow that her dad inflicted on her.

marmaladepop · 10/10/2022 18:22

I absolutely despair at the lack of emotional intelligence that so many men seem to suffer from. They should be taught EI in bloody school.

Original poster
Adamclaytonisfine · 10/10/2022 18:58

What about her telling them off etc if they are there? Is she allowed to take them out in her car or discipline them?

I'm absolutely not trying to be difficult. I've also gone on a few dates but ex would absolutely flip out if I had moved another man in, not that I would or even want to.

OP posts:
Original poster
Adamclaytonisfine · 10/10/2022 19:01

YellowTreeHouse · 10/10/2022 18:22

No. He can do whatever he wants with them on his time, they can see whoever he wants and whoever he chooses can look after them. And he doesn’t need to tell you about any of it. It’s really none of your business.

You’re equal parents - they’re his children too.

I absolutely agree that we are equal amounts parents. But it's me who is having to deal with the fallout, it's come to light now that he had already told them about her and asked them to keep it from me because "she still has some of my stuff and I don't want her to set it on fire" according to my 10 year old. Why is it okay for him to speak about me like that yet I have to be mature and not badmouth him or her? (and BTW I won't, because I'm a grown up and remember what it is like as a child of divorced parents who's father spoke terribly about her mother)

OP posts:
RedWingBoots · 10/10/2022 19:06

Adamclaytonisfine · 10/10/2022 18:58

What about her telling them off etc if they are there? Is she allowed to take them out in her car or discipline them?

I'm absolutely not trying to be difficult. I've also gone on a few dates but ex would absolutely flip out if I had moved another man in, not that I would or even want to.

I've babysat for friends and neighbours children since I was in my teens. I was allowed to tell them off and discipline them.

This is because I had at least one of their parents permission.

Weird but that's whatcab😚

RedWingBoots · 10/10/2022 19:08

Sorry OP posted too soon - meant to say "Weird but that's what an adult who is given a child to look after can do if a parent gives permission".

YellowTreeHouse · 10/10/2022 19:08

Adamclaytonisfine · 10/10/2022 18:58

What about her telling them off etc if they are there? Is she allowed to take them out in her car or discipline them?

I'm absolutely not trying to be difficult. I've also gone on a few dates but ex would absolutely flip out if I had moved another man in, not that I would or even want to.

Of course that’s all fine. She can discipline them and take them out if he says it’s okay.

And no it’s not okay for him to badmouth you but there’s nothing you can do about that either except be the bigger person.

RedWingBoots · 10/10/2022 19:12

Why is it okay for him to speak about me like that yet I have to be mature and not badmouth him or her?

Because in a few years time your DC will realise their father is a dick.

If you want them to think better of you then you don't slag their father off, and simply say things like "Well that's what your father is like." They will then understand you have very good reasons not to be with him anymore.