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Divorce/separation

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Original poster

Christmas

26 replies

LDA123 · 10/10/2022 14:03

This is our first Christmas separated and I’m feeling very anxious about the whole thing.

I made a proposal to ex a week ago and he has just totally blanked me. I know it’s only Oct but I just wish I knew what we were doing so I can make plans and get my head around everything. I imagine he is probably getting some satisfaction in not replying.

I have proposed I have the children Xmas Eve / Xmas morning until 12pm and then he has them (at his Mums, same as every year) 12pm Xmas Day to 12pm Boxing Day and then they come home again. And then alternate the following year.

What does everyone else do? Finding the whole thing quite upsetting to tell you the truth.

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MeAndAutumnGoHandInHand · 10/10/2022 14:09

Sorry it's so hard for you this year Flowers

We do alternate years with my DSD, from tea time on the Christmas Eve, then to the other house at 2pm on Christmas Day. She has dinner with whoever she's with on the morning.

It's always helpful to know what's going on, so you can make plans.

ElfDragon · 10/10/2022 14:13

My exH and I alternate Christmas and Easter. So eg I had Easter this year, so exH has Christmas. Next year will be the opposite.

We don’t split the main day(s). I felt it would be too ‘bitty’ for the dc, always clock watching and moving on rather than spending quality time. So dc will probably go to exH around 23rd Dec, and come back to me around 28th (details not yet fully finalised). They will then have a second Christmas with me, and be with me over New Year.

we do similar for Easter - whoever’s turn it is gets the whole weekend, so no rushing around etc.

BUT we do live 5 minutes away from each other, and I will still see them most days (middle dc doesn’t go and stay with exH, but goes there for a short while each day to still see siblings) for a short while. We do also have a system where the dc call whichever parent they are not with daily, so it’s not as though I will have no contact with them at all when they are not with me.

Original poster
LDA123 · 10/10/2022 14:20

I did suggest a longer stay at first 24th to 27th about 6 weeks ago, as thought I could just have a 2nd Xmas after the officially days (for the same reasons you mentioned, I don’t want to be clock watching) but that was denied for being “too long”.

We only live 5 mins apart and I have no family in the area.

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Phillipa12 · 10/10/2022 14:24

We alternate Xmas and New year. It's my turn for Xmas this year and they will then go to their dad's on the 27th for New year. The dc have never known any different and when its not my Xmas we have an early Xmas day which we call Dominoes day, presents and take away. Everybody's happy with this arrangement.

MonkeyPuddle · 10/10/2022 14:27

We split the day, DS goes to his dads at about 2pm for Christmas dinner with his family on that side. He comes home the next lunchtime-ish. We’re flexible with each other, I work shifts.

ElfDragon · 10/10/2022 21:04

I feel for you, OP, as the uncertainty can be really difficult.

How old are your dc, and (if appropriate) what are their thoughts and feelings?

Something else we do, to try to make it a little more balanced for the adults is to also alternate the Christmas trips. So when it is my Christmas, exH takes the dc for Father Christmas visit, and has first choice of which show/panto to take them to, and when it is his Christmas I take them to Father Christmas and get first choice of panto. This has helped to spread the fun and excitement each year, and enabled us both to share the things the dc enjoy. My eldest has learning difficulties, and so Father Christmas visit/panto has carried on for longer than it possibly usually would (dc1 is a teenager!), and I thought it was important that it was established that we could both do the fun trips as well as the main day.

thisyearsuckssofar · 10/10/2022 22:11

This is also our first year apart. I suggested what you did, Christmas Eve with me and DS goes to dad's later. Not firmed up the time, but midday seems fine.

We've also planned DS Dec birthday. He wants dinner with me and my parents, so will stay with his dad the eve of his birthday and come home later - it's a Saturday.

anotherdayanotherpathlesstravelled · 11/10/2022 13:51

Also my first Xmas apart - STBEXH left us. Not a mutual split. Fairly amicable (at the moment) communication between us at the moment

Despite his behaviour in leaving us I've suggested he can come to us Xmas day morning - see the kids open their presents then he can go (wherever....not bothered!)

I'm not making the offer every year but felt like as this is the first one that I was putting the kids first

Also he doesn't have his own place and not able to take kids anywhere due to the vehicle he has. Obviously that may change over the years but I'll be holding firm that Xmas day is my time.

I think I've more than nice (more than he deserves) with this offer

TeddyBeans · 11/10/2022 13:55

I have DS Xmas Eve and Xmas day one year, his dad picks him up at 11am on boxing Day and brings him back at 3pm on the 27th.

The following year, his dad picks him up at 6pm Xmas Eve and brings him back at 11am on boxing Day.

canteatlovefood · 11/10/2022 14:40

We have stepson from Xmas day about 1/2pm every year. DH and ex agreed years ago that she could have every Christmas morning as she doesn't have any other kids. Stepson is now 12 and wouldn't change it as we have a big celebration Christmas night with my family and he wouldn't want to miss it so he always wakes up in his mums.

Original poster
LDA123 · 11/10/2022 16:12

Thanks everyone, so good ideas and nice to know what everyone does.

I’ll see what he says about my half day Xmas / half day Boxing Day proposal when he finally decides to get back to me 😞

It might be a bit OTT but told him Mum if he doesn’t let me know by Nov, I’ll just start making my own plans and he’ll have to fit in. I hate not knowing and making it difficult to make plans with my own family as I don’t know what is happening!

Fingers crossed he lets me know soon. I’m not being unreasonable am I, wanting to know the plans in Oct?!

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Chanttotheprince · 11/10/2022 16:17

Could you spend it together - we do that. But obviously only if you get on.

just saying that there are no rules

weekendninja · 11/10/2022 16:17

You're not unreasonable OP.

Does Christmas fall on his contact days this year?

I'd be inclined to send him one last message to remind him and if he doesn't respond then go ahead and make your plans.

CrapBucket · 11/10/2022 16:20

Yanbu wanting to plan this now, especially when your family aren't local. Last year was my first separated Christmas and it went much better than expected. The DC were with me but ex saw them for a little bit. This year hopefully ex will plan a nice day with grandparents. I don't expect he will do stockings well/at all so I'm hoping we arrange for them to wake up here and he collects them to go visit grandparents.

I hope it works out OK OP, you've got this, whatever happens.

Original poster
LDA123 · 11/10/2022 16:24

Totally not amicable. I haven’t really spent any time with him since he left in May and he can’t stand me. So spending it together is definitely not an option 😞.

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Original poster
LDA123 · 11/10/2022 16:25

I’d be really happy to have them Xmas Eve and the morning, best bits for me whilst they’re young.

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Original poster
LDA123 · 11/10/2022 16:26

Christmas falls on my weekend. He has them EOW for 2 nights.

I’ll just try to be patient and wait a few more weeks.

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Sunshineandflipflops · 13/10/2022 09:59

The first year we split, my ex husband came round and spent xmas morning with us (which was tough for me as he had had an affair and we had only just split, but best for the DC),

After that, we agreed that I would have them Xmas eve to mid-late afternoon Xmas day and then he would have them from then to the day after boxing day. The split was his fault and he acknowledged that it wasn't fair for me to not see my children on Xmas morning as a result.

They do their own version of Xmas day on boxing day with their dad and really enjoy it.

IsthatfreedomIsee · 13/10/2022 10:36

It's our first year separated too. Christmas falls on his weekend so I've conceded and said that they can be with him for the weekend as usual. I'll pick them up in the evening on Christmas day and we're just going to have a Christmas party on boxing day. He's agreed to alternate, so next year they'll be with me. Kids are 3 and 7 so hopefully we'll still have a few years of the magic to share.
We're amicable but I don't want to play happy families with him. It may confuse the kids too. It's going to be weird not seeing them at Christmas but I'm going to treat it as Any other weekend they're not with me. I also won't be on my own, think that will help too.

anotherdayanotherpathlesstravelled · 13/10/2022 14:47

@Sunshineandflipflops

That's what key STBEXH has said too! (At the moment!) that he doesn't want me "to ever miss out" I suspect he'll change his mind as the kids get older though

gogohmm · 13/10/2022 15:18

The first year I had exh to mine for lunch. Agreement was he arrived after midday, left by 9pm (kids are adults just) and brought wine.

It was a good day. Second year was covid lockdown anyway and I now live with dp so he does his own thing, the kids aren't interested in being at his family because they never invited us once or came to ours throughout their childhood (invitations every year)

Original poster
LDA123 · 17/10/2022 16:20

Finally got back to me and he is happy not to see them at all Christmas Day and just have them Boxing Day. So that’s what we’re doing.

Should be happy but feel a little bit sad as my Mum has decided she just wants a quiet Christmas home alone and my other family are busy.

So just me and the 4 kids.

Anyone any tips for solo Christmas with 4 kids! Think going to try not to go too mad with the cooking as want to enjoy the time with them! Perhaps PJs all day!

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CrapBucket · 17/10/2022 17:09

Aw glad there's no battle over it, although it feels rubbish that he's not bothered about seeing them! It sounds daunting but you can do this and have a great day. What age range do you have?

SunneRising · 17/10/2022 17:22

It's unlikely he's "not bothered" about seeing them. If he'd fought for his share of the time he'd have been a bastard. Better that he lets you have what you want this year and I think it's great that he's made it easy and you've worked it out between you - best for the kids.

Original poster
LDA123 · 17/10/2022 17:37

He wasn’t keen on a split day. Just wants them for 1 whole day. I’m a bit anxious about next Christmas because there is no way I wouldn’t want to see them on Xmas Day but will cross that bridge when I come to it. They’re aged 5-11. They’ll be happy to help with the dinner and I guess I’ll just get some easy food for the evening, buffet style/cheese board that sort of thing. I’m worried just me will not be good enough for them and they might have a boring day as used to seeing other people / children ☹️

Think I just need a bit of time to get my head around it and then will start feeling excited. I’m not sad I’m spending it with them (very happy about that!) more the lack of seeing other family.

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