Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Abusive husband, rented house a month ago but struggling.. GRAPHIC

32 replies

Gemski38 · 03/10/2022 11:42

I have had the rental house for 1 month!!! All big furniture bought and in, sofas, beds, fridges etc. Broadband fitted
BUT I CANT DO IT.. I cant do this last part, take my clothes and actually leave
The trauma bond is so so strong, i feel horrendous.
He has gone the full circle, back to being nice, saying he loves me, wants to make it work, but in reality isnt really doing anything different. All blame is on me, and if i stay it “cant go back to the way it was” by which he means sex. The last 6 months sex has been happening less and less because my body and mind cannot be near him, years of sexual coercion has killed my sex drive. However he has kept on and on about this, how he is hurt, how he is sexually frustrated, how he needs to be on a pedestal and feel loved. He keeps asking for a cuddle constantly, then trying to stick his tounge in my mouth. Gets in my bed and gropes me, puts his hand in my pants, asking for sex, when i tell him to stop he says “why?” and “i cant help it”
comments of
let me fk you
I think you need good seeing to, it will make you smile. when i was crying!!
Let me lick you if i cant fk you
We have tried to talk but he wont listen, just twists it all onto me, saying he has needs, he needs to feel loved. When i tell him his aggression, the names he calls me hurt, he says its in the past and i cant keep bringing it up.
So i have a house, my parents are so worried about me and the children. But i cant go, i cant leave. I want to sell all the stuff and give the keys back x*x

OP posts:
escapingthecity · 03/10/2022 11:44

Well done OP for taking this massive step. Do you need us to handhold you through taking the next step? It's very clear from this that you must must leave. Please do it for you and your children.

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 03/10/2022 11:48

Yes you can. You can do this. And it will be fabulous. I'm on the other side, along with many others, and we're waiting to welcome you in.

Queenelsarules · 03/10/2022 11:50

I am here with a handhold too. Please let us help you with this last step. You are not safe with him. Tell us how we can help you. Keep imagining yourself and your children living in peace and safety. You deserve this 💐

Delilahonabike · 03/10/2022 11:56

But what's the alternative to leaving OP? Even in the 'nice' phase he's pressuring and coercing you and you must know that he will cycle back to 'nasty' at some point, and then you will wish you had left. Change is always scary but it's only ever really a bad thing if what you already have is perfect, and what you have is anything but perfect.

chergar · 03/10/2022 11:58

Is the rental house far? Does your husband go out to work and the children to school? Can you go there and just sit in peace and enjoy the alone time, get a feel of what it might be like. Take a few items at a time, just enough that will fit in your handbag so as not to arouse suspicion, take the important paperwork as well.

MangoBiscuit · 03/10/2022 12:06

Have you tried putting yourself in his shoes OP? I mean, try to imagine yourself in his role, how you might feel, how you might react etc. How would you need to feel in order to sexually assault someone you claimed to love? How far would you need to be pushed before you reacted the way he does? Could you do that to someone you cared for?

Have you tried viewing your relationship from the outside? If you watched a TV show and a husband was behaving like yours does, how do you think you would feel, as a viewer?

When I was still married, I was so close to it all that I really struggled to think rationally about whether the relationship was healthy. I was focussed on trying to solve each problem, and dealing with his mood swings, so I didn't see the bigger pattern of a total lack of respect for me as a person.

Moving out was the best thing I ever did. Getting some distance, not feeling on the defensive in my own home, being able to sleep properly because I'm not worried he's going to try something while I'm asleep. Just being able to breath deep and relax. Please move OP.

quietnightmare · 03/10/2022 12:16

Move out you have done it get your clothes and go. Do it for you, do it for your children. Doesn't mean it's all over but you need time and space and so does he. Take some time apart and evaluate what you want. He will not change if you go back now as the move phase will be exactly that a phase. Tell him he needs to get some therapy and give you time and space. Maybe if he works on himself you can start dating eachother agin in a few weeks or months and the. Progress if not this time and space may make it clear that it is time to move on

Original poster
Gemski38 · 03/10/2022 12:22

Thank you so much for the replies 😊

The house isnt far, i have been going back and for there, having a coffee on my own, just sitting and being in peace. I go from excited for the new start, to then feeling like i am going to have a panic attack at the thought of leaving for good.

I have lost over a stone (im small anyway so its not a good thing) spent the last 6 weeks crying, depressed, scared. My parents are so so worried and have been fab support. However my husband has been taking it all in his stride, gym, happy, sunbeds, going out etc. Seeing his wife in this mess, yet only saying "you need a good seeing to" 😮Then he goes back to being quite nasty..

Shit mum
Shit wife
All i do is sweep a couple of floors so what am i moaning about
Negative
Ive been a shit step mum to his daughter (full custody for 9 years, ive done everything for her since she was 6, that one hurt)
Cold
Heartless

Then says he didnt say it, or tells me to stop bringing things up when i try to talk about how its hurt me..

I dont know what it is, the last part of leaving is killing me. The manipulation isnt helping, he's saying im splitting the family up, im negative, throwing my toys out of the pram, how can i do this as a mum and break the kids hearts.. 😥

Really struggling with it xx

OP posts:
ShadowsShadowsShadows · 03/10/2022 12:26

OP you've posted this because deep down you know you CAN do this and because you just need that validation that you are doing the right thing.

You are.
You can leave
You are strong enough
You will be ok
And so will your DC.

You have a whole army of women behind you, on this board, who will be there every step of the way if you need them to be.

I couldn't have left without MN many years ago, and I nearly backed out, but in the end I did it and I didn't look back. After a few days the relief was unbelievable and I looked back at my life and wondered how I could have endured it for so long.

You know that you need to take that step. It is scary yes, but that isn't a reason not to do it. Feel the fear, acknowledge it, and then walk out that door.

This thread will be here whenever you need it, for however long you need it.

YnysMonCrone · 03/10/2022 12:28

I've just left a 30 year marriage to a similar sounding man. My situation is slightly different as he is in jail at the moment for trying to burn our house down when he sensed he was losing control of me. So I didn't have the actual leaving to do and I currently have enforced no contact with him. But what you were saying about the sexual coercion sounds so familiar. You will do so much
better alone. Whenever I get really low I remind myself no matter how low I am it be be worse if he was here.

Bunda · 03/10/2022 12:33

We are here with you OP. You can do it. He doesn't deserve you. You deserve peace and need space to heal. You are your parents' baby. I'm so glad they are there for you.

Delilahonabike · 03/10/2022 12:34

And how do you think all that negativity he's creating affects you OP? Can you imagine being away from that, not having to hear any of it and do you think maybe you might feel better about yourself, less guilty, less panicked and more able to move forward if you didn't have his voice in your ear all the time? You can't see it but moving out is the answer to everything you're struggling with, it's his voice telling you that you can't/shouldn't do it, not yours.

MadeForThis · 03/10/2022 12:34

You can do it. xx

PassThePringles · 03/10/2022 12:37

You are so much stronger than you may think you are. Look how far you've come already! Everything that you're feeling is totally natural, just ride it out, you have such an amazing new chapter starting. The transition was always going to be hard, what you've endured was so much harder though! You're doing the best thing for you and your kids, don't ever let him make you believe otherwise. You've got this, good luck!! And welcome to your new start, take care of yourself, you deserve it ❤️

cleanasawhistle · 03/10/2022 12:39

Its not easy but please move out.
Many years ago I left a DV relationship,best thing I ever did .

Think 5 years down the line......,would you still want to be living this

chergar · 03/10/2022 12:39

You are not splitting the family up, he is with his behaviour. You are being a great mum and putting the safety and happiness of your children first.

This is just last minute nerves, you have planned and dreamt of this for ages and now it is happening the nerves and doubts kick in, nothing has changed though and your initial feelings of leaving and getting everything in place was correct.

It is also a grieving process, grieving for the marriage you should have had, for the family life you planned and for the man who should have put you first and treated you better.

You can do this!

NoSquirrels · 03/10/2022 12:43

You can do this.

You should do this.

You must do this.

You’re worth so much more than he can ever give you.

Be brave.

WhenDovesFly · 03/10/2022 12:43

Another one here with a hand hold OP. I've read at least one of your previous posts.

Don't let him poison you any further with his comments. He is deliberately trying to break you down with insults and threats to do something stupid. These are all tactics of an abuser. Think of the better life your children will have away from this behaviour, and having a mum who is happier in herself.

Could your parents or another adult go with you to help you collect up your clothes, just to keep you steady in case you have a wobble?

If you don't make that final break then you're condemning yourself to more sexual abuse, more insults, more coercion, more tears. Try to imagine yourself in your new life, free, happy, enjoying your children, concentrating on your degree. Your new life awaits you. Sending you strength to get over this last hurdle x

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 03/10/2022 12:59

Reaching out to hold your hand OP. You can do this.

Fluteytooting · 03/10/2022 13:05

I don’t often comment on these threads and have no experience to help but I just wanted to say that you absolutely can do this. And you should do it. No one deserves this. I’ll be thinking of you and hope you manage to take this last step to freedom.

thisisscary · 03/10/2022 13:09

Another hand hold from me OP. I've been there. Leaving is so incredibly hard, people who haven't been abused and trauma bonded don't understand how hard it is.

When he's accusing you of all those horrid things, that's him reflecting his own behaviour back on to you. It's him who has caused all this, not you. He is a vile disgusting pig, quite frankly.

When you look back safe in your rental with your DC the feeling of freedom will be like nothing else. Do you have Women's Aid supporting you? They are fantastic.

You CAN do this. Look how far you've got already, you are a strong woman and you have an army of Mumsnetters here cheering you on. Go go go OP!

Mollymalone123 · 03/10/2022 13:10

Read back what he has said to you
you need to put yourself and most of all any children you have first

tbh reading about what he’s been doing or trying to do makes to do makes my skin crawl

Legalwomble · 03/10/2022 13:11

I have been there. I left, I tried again.
All the promises were just more shit to get me where he wanted me, then as soon as the heat was off he was himself again.

Im now one year out, divorced and although there are costs to it all I am free, which you can’t underestimate the benefits of.

You can do it.

ScatteredMama82 · 03/10/2022 13:15

You can do this OP, you re so close. You've done all the hard work and got a lovely safe, calm home for you and the children. Don't give up, when you get into that home and make it your own you will feel amazing. Please, please, do not let yourself slide back in with him.

mumda · 03/10/2022 13:24

You've got to keep moving forward. And you can.