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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Mediation query

49 replies

LDA123 · 20/09/2022 21:39

Has anyone had any success with mediation?

Husband and I are separated, he is renting and I am in the family home with our 4 young children.

He firstly wanted to sell straight away but now says we can wait until the fixed period is up in 3 years. At which time, he “says” that we have to downsize to a smaller property and his name will continue to be on the mortgage as it is highly unlikely that I will earn enough to afford a mortgage for the family home in my sole name.

He was the main breadwinner and earns good money with bonuses and I worked part-time and looked after the children 99% of the time.

I have increased my hours and am entitled to a bit of UC and child benefit. I am currently paying 100% of the mortgage, all household bills and 100% of kid costs.

The main issue (if you disregard the fact that buying a new smaller house will cost the same as what we paid for this house. He wants to do this to free up equity and repay his debts) is that he doesn’t want to/see the need to tell me when the new smaller house would have to be sold? He seems to think that I don’t need to know this. But surely I do? What happens if we sell the family home, move to a smaller home and then he demands we sell that one too eventually? Obviously I know that we need a clean break at some stage. But I’m worried that it is too many unknowns plus the upheaval of moving twice and the costs associated with that.

I have suggested we go to mediation to try to find a solution but he is adamant mediation won’t work because I’m being too stubborn wanting to know when we’d have to sell the house.

Has anyone been through something similar and had success with a mediator?

I also asked him to consider what percentage he would consider giving me and the kids in 3 years to make a clean break but he doesn’t seem to think this is an option. I don’t know if it is or isn’t because it would all depend on what equity I can use in a new family home.

Can anyone help?

OP posts:
Original poster
LDA123 · 20/09/2022 21:43

Forgot to say he is currently paying statutory child maintenance only. I’m not asking for any monthly spousal maintenance although perhaps some of annual bonus could be negotiated for a while, I don’t know.

OP posts:
silentpool · 20/09/2022 21:44

OP, by the time you are looking to divorce, your spouse is no longer on your side. Please get your own advice before agreeing to anything and do not agree without it being reviewed by your lawyer.

Mediation might help - in my case, my spouse refused to attend - I needed the form from the mediator to proceed to the court case.

sunlovingcriminal · 20/09/2022 21:44

I'd advise that you get some initial legal advice to go into mediation armed with. So at least you know what could be possible.

Original poster
LDA123 · 20/09/2022 21:45

He is also refusing the attend. We can’t afford to do the whole process via a solicitor. I’m not sure where that leaves us.

I definitely wouldn’t agree to anything without seeking further legal advice first.

OP posts:
Original poster
LDA123 · 20/09/2022 21:47

I have spoken to a solicitor and they seemed to think a good case to delay the sale of the property. Because I am currently paying all of the costs associated with the house, it makes my argument stronger. The problem is, he wants the equity sooner to pay off debts he has accumulated. Which I presume I will be jointly liable for.

OP posts:
Original poster
LDA123 · 20/09/2022 21:49

It’s so scary how quickly things go downhill ☹️ Tonight he has turned up uninvited, let himself in and proceeded to scream and shout at me in front of the kids to explain why I need to know when we would have to sell the 2nd smaller family home 😞

OP posts:
TheFormidableMrsC · 20/09/2022 21:50

You really need some legal advice and you will have to go to mediation in order to proceed to court. That doesn't mean he's forced to attend, you just have to be able to show you've tried. He's a dick if he doesn't, it could end up costing him a whole lot more. I self repped for matrimonial finances, and while I wouldn't recommend it, it was hugely stressful, it was successful and quite honestly I had no choice. If he's a high earner, you'd be better getting him into court.

TheFormidableMrsC · 20/09/2022 21:53

LDA123 · 20/09/2022 21:49

It’s so scary how quickly things go downhill ☹️ Tonight he has turned up uninvited, let himself in and proceeded to scream and shout at me in front of the kids to explain why I need to know when we would have to sell the 2nd smaller family home 😞

Fucking hell, call the police if he does that again! Who does he think he is. You need to accept that this man is now you enemy and he won't want to tell you anything because he likes the control he has over you. Stop discussing finances with him as it's completely pointless. Also make sure you gather as much financial information as you can get your hands on.

BrownOwlknowsbest · 20/09/2022 21:56

I did use mediation during my now completed divorce and while we did not succeed in coming to an agreement, because exH would agree with the mediator and then change his mind the next day. I did find it useful though as the mediator does know the answers to many of the questions you are asking, S/He can also tell you what kind of agreement is likely to be acceptable to the court. And if he decides to go straight to court for a decision, the first thing they will say is 'Try mediation' so you may as well go there first

Original poster
LDA123 · 20/09/2022 22:00

Ok so if at least I attend a mediation appointment and go through the first assessment, that will be helpful and needs to be done before proceeding with anything else? I was worried about throwing money I don’t have away if he won’t attend.

OP posts:
TheFormidableMrsC · 20/09/2022 22:13

LDA123 · 20/09/2022 22:00

Ok so if at least I attend a mediation appointment and go through the first assessment, that will be helpful and needs to be done before proceeding with anything else? I was worried about throwing money I don’t have away if he won’t attend.

Yes. Find a local mediator. I can't remember the name of the certificate they give you, it's been a while. They will invite your ex to attend. He'll say no. They'll issue the certificate and that's enough for court. That cost me £100 as I also had an uncooperative ex. In the meantime, download a Form E which is the document you will both be required to complete with supporting documentation. It's long and arduous and time consuming so do it in small bites maybe. It is required for both mediation and court. There are loads of resources on Wikivorce and I bought an excellent easy to understand book from Amazon that explained the process in layman's terms.

Maybe when he realises you're serious he will stop being a dick. It would be far better for both of you to draw up a consent order via mediation. Most mediators have legal training, mine was a retired barrister. They know their stuff. Perhaps tell the idiot that he ought to get some legal advice as you have done and they will tell him the same thing. Absolutely do not be drawn into discussing things with him though. Every time he says any hint says "see your solicitor" and leave it at that.

TheFormidableMrsC · 20/09/2022 22:14

Anything not any hint 🙄

Original poster
LDA123 · 20/09/2022 22:28

Okay thank you. Because he won’t see a mediator, we keep trying to discuss and that just results in tension and arguments when we can’t agree.

OP posts:
Original poster
LDA123 · 20/09/2022 22:29

And am I correct that would be expected to work full time straight away? I’ve crunched some numbers and I would actually earn less monthly than I do now due to childcare costs for 4 children, travel costs etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
LDA123 · 20/09/2022 22:31

I currently earn enough to support the house and kids. But not to get a big enough mortgage for a 3 bedroom house on my own.

OP posts:
Original poster
LDA123 · 20/09/2022 22:32

TheFormidableMrsC · 20/09/2022 22:14

Anything not any hint 🙄

Ok I will try.

Him storming round tonight was because I said we need to talk through a mediator.

OP posts:
hadtochangetothisone · 20/09/2022 23:21

He doesn't want a mediator OP because he can't threaten and intimidate them.

Refuse all further discussion. Mediation or court. Those are his choices.

Think about applying for an occupation order. I did this myself as low wage meant I was exempt from court fees. That will prevent him letting himself in.

Pixiedust1234 · 20/09/2022 23:34

If you are married then you are entitled to at least 50% of all assets. He wants to sell the house so you don't see your share of the money.

Seek legal advice. Agree to nothing, sign nothing until you have spoken to one. Next time he enters the house and screams at you call the police immediately. Hes trying to intimidate you so you agree to give up everything that you are entitled to by law.

TheFormidableMrsC · 21/09/2022 00:01

Pixiedust1234 · 20/09/2022 23:34

If you are married then you are entitled to at least 50% of all assets. He wants to sell the house so you don't see your share of the money.

Seek legal advice. Agree to nothing, sign nothing until you have spoken to one. Next time he enters the house and screams at you call the police immediately. Hes trying to intimidate you so you agree to give up everything that you are entitled to by law.

It will be significantly more than 50% with 4 children to house. I agree that he is trying to get the OP to agree to ensure she loses out. They all do it 🙄

Original poster
LDA123 · 21/09/2022 00:35

Thank you for all your advice.

OP posts:
Pixiedust1234 · 21/09/2022 01:04

I agree its probably more but I figured I would start with the minimum so op would realise not to sell the house until she's seen a solicitor as she seems to be under the impression she's not entitled to anything. That man is an absolute worm Angry

silentpool · 21/09/2022 04:47

Mine was a dick about everything right up until I sent a process server to his house to provide the court date. Then he realised I was not putting up with his nonsense anymore.

Original poster
LDA123 · 21/09/2022 06:22

He keeps saying that I should be grateful for his “overly generous” offer. But I can’t get my head around having to sell the house in 3 years, moving and then having to sell the new house again after X years. That is a lot of upheaval.

OP posts:
TheFormidableMrsC · 21/09/2022 07:10

LDA123 · 21/09/2022 06:22

He keeps saying that I should be grateful for his “overly generous” offer. But I can’t get my head around having to sell the house in 3 years, moving and then having to sell the new house again after X years. That is a lot of upheaval.

If course he does 🙄. He's in for a shock when he realises it doesn't work like that. Please don't engage with him anymore. See a solicitor even if you have to borrow the money or stick it on a card for now. I'd also say to your ex it's mediation or court, which would he prefer? You need to find your anger because he's blatantly trying to rip you off.

TheFormidableMrsC · 21/09/2022 07:12

To add, the court will want to see you financially independent if that is possible. If he has debts, that's his problem, it doesn't come into it. My ex tried this crap, it massively backfired.