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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

50:50 custody- who pays for what?

33 replies

CloudyWood · 12/09/2022 09:23

Hi,

My DH and I have recently split and have 2 children- DS 5 and DD 8 months. We're still in the marital home and we're trying to work out the arrangements going forward. We have agreed on a 50:50 split but not which pattern to use. We both agree that due to DD's age she should go no more than 24 hours without seeing me (as I'm mixed feeding/breastfeeding her). DH is likely to be moving 40 miles away from we're we currently live and were DS goes to school. He is likely to be working for himself so will not particularly need childcare on his days. I will be working 9-5 full time.

My questions are- how do we split childcare (nursery and wrap-around care)? Should we split the travelling so I drop the children off/pick them up from his half of the time, or do I just contribute towards fuel?

Thanks!

OP posts:
millymollymoomoo · 13/09/2022 09:16

Sorry op but 50:50 will not work If you can’t go more than 24 hrs without seeing dd and he’s moving 40 miles away

yiu both need a major rethink

Original poster
CloudyWood · 13/09/2022 09:21

Sorry I meant 40 minutes, not miles!

I don't think it'll work either but I cannot control where he moves to. If he stayed local to me it would make it so much easier. We could maybe do 2-2-3 but pop to the other parents house for bath time or to see DC for an hour occasionally. We're amicable do this would be fine initially.

There's so many things to work out 😕

OP posts:
forrestgreen · 13/09/2022 09:25

I thought if he moves away, he does the travelling? Or maybe fix a spot which is convenient for you to meet at? Think it through without offering first!

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toastofthetown · 13/09/2022 09:26

50:50 won’t work if he’s moving 40 miles away. Picking a place at random that’s 40 miles from me is slightly over an hour, which is a hell of a school run.

The most successful implementation of 50:50 I’ve seen where parent A has the children every Monday and Tuesday, Parent B has the children every Wednesday and Thursday, and Friday, Saturday and Sunday are alternated each week. Gives the kids stability as they know that mum takes them swimming and dad takes them to karate, and there’s not too long without each parent. You would pay for the childcare you need in your days, and would for his. Handover is usually best through school or nursery, but I think courts usually agree that the parent who moved away does the travelling. But I can’t see how this would work in a situation where you aren’t both local to each other.

titchy · 13/09/2022 09:30

Even 40 minutes away is too far for a 50/50 at their ages. Do you think a three quarter hour commute to and from school for a 5 year old will work? Let alone an infant. When they're older then alternating weeks would work. If he was five mins away it could work. But not now.

Can't he have them for tea /park twice a week and then maybe have the older overnight a couple of times a week. Maybe the baby as well if he/she doesn't bf at night.

Levellingdown · 13/09/2022 09:31

Agree this won’t work at all. We’ve done almost 50/50 since daughter was 4 but ex lives 5 mins up the road. No way could we do this if it was 40 mins. Especially with a tiny baby. You’re underestimating the logistics involved with two separate households. And it also seems unfair for the older child to spend every other day travelling 40 mins.

I’d suggest if he’s moving away you’re going to have to think of alternative splits to 50/50. It just won’t work, sorry.

titchy · 13/09/2022 09:33

Travel cost paid by him as he's choosing to move 40 mins away. Childcare shared, but I'd expect you to pay larger amount as you need it more (how can he work without having childcare for a baby though?). He will have to pay maintenance.

millymollymoomoo · 13/09/2022 09:35

Even 40 mins will be troublesome and challenging tbh

however the bigger issue is the 24 hours piece
utceill be highly unsettling for tiur children, constantly backwards and forwards, living out of cases, sleeping and waking in separate places all the time

im all for shared parenting but this needs to be re thought and possibly delayed until you can go 4 days or so without seeing the children imo

Londonnorth · 13/09/2022 09:37

As he doesn’t need childcare on ‘his’ days then you will pay 100% of that as you are the one who needs to use it. You may get some Govt support towards childcare costs. I probably wouldn’t volunteer to drive or pay fuel as he’s the one moving away. That’s his choice. Some people do but it sounds like that would be a lot for you on top of full time work and get onerous quickly. I’d probably suggest he drops off / collects from school/childcare as that way you may be able to work longer days and compress childcare into fewer days if your job allows for that and it minimises face to face handovers because however amicable it is it’s good to create some distance so you can both move on. It is hard if you are still seeing each other multiple times a week or in and out of each other’s homes. You quickly get to the point you want your own private space.

Original poster
CloudyWood · 13/09/2022 09:40

Thanks everyone. I completely agree, this is his idea not mine. His argument is that he's moving to be closer to family/friends so he's got more support but by doing that he's moving away from me, school, DC's friends.

He's always been adamant that he wants 50/50 but I don't think he understands how hard it will be for the DC. But then he's as much of a parent to them as I am, so why should I have them move? I'm trying to manage this in the best possible way without arguments of the need of court.

I'm happy to pay for the childcare that I use, If that's the fair way of doing things. I haven't got any divorced friends so it's hard to know.

OP posts:
Midlifemusings · 13/09/2022 09:43

What are his reasons for moving away? Is it to afford housing? To be closer to family supports? Or just for fun and personal preference?

Many kids do a 40 minute commute to school. Bus routes wind around or parents take them on the way to and from work. I don't think that is the end of the world but it does make everything just a little more challenging. Especially with the breasfeeding - that doesn't seem doable.

Midlifemusings · 13/09/2022 09:45

Many women move to be closer to family supports after separation - moving the kids away from dad and making shared custody more complicated and they often get a positive response for that. I don't think that alone is an issue. Being near family supports is lauded on here as important when you are a single parent.

Rgardless it doesn't seem logistically doable at the moment if you need to have access every 24 hours and are trying to share custody.

Original poster
CloudyWood · 13/09/2022 09:46

titchy · 13/09/2022 09:33

Travel cost paid by him as he's choosing to move 40 mins away. Childcare shared, but I'd expect you to pay larger amount as you need it more (how can he work without having childcare for a baby though?). He will have to pay maintenance.

His plan is to work long days on the days he doesn't have the DC. He hasn't figured it out completely yet.

OP posts:
titchy · 13/09/2022 09:48

His plan is to work long days on the days he doesn't have the DC. He hasn't figured it out completely yet.

Well he needs to figure it out and in the meantime pay maintenance. Don't try and solve this problem for him.

2pinkginsplease · 13/09/2022 09:49

I think your 8month old is far too young for 50/50 care, maybe if ex lived closer but I don’t think he’s thought it through properly.

I have friends who do week about , Harsh on the parent who doesn’t have the children for that week and have another friends who’s kids stay alternate nights at each parents house, I find his very unsettling for the children.

you need to find a one that works for yourself and the children.

titchy · 13/09/2022 09:51

Make sure btw that you have equal weekends to him. Not fair that you have your time with them during the week when you work, and his contact time is at the weekend.

Starlightstarbright1 · 13/09/2022 09:52

Tbh i would be disputing 50/50 for the 8 months old.. yes his children but it is whats in there best interests

Original poster
CloudyWood · 13/09/2022 09:53

titchy · 13/09/2022 09:51

Make sure btw that you have equal weekends to him. Not fair that you have your time with them during the week when you work, and his contact time is at the weekend.

Yes I thought of that, I would end up paying more for childcare too if I had them more on week days than weekends!

OP posts:
Original poster
CloudyWood · 13/09/2022 09:55

Starlightstarbright1 · 13/09/2022 09:52

Tbh i would be disputing 50/50 for the 8 months old.. yes his children but it is whats in there best interests

I'm not comfortable with 50/50, but I wasn't sure if I would be unreasonable by saying I want her more until she's older. He's just being very wishy washy with his answers when I want to know what's going to happen and plan work and childcare accordingly.

OP posts:
ItsDinah · 13/09/2022 09:55

I really don't think you'll be able to book wrap-around and nursery for 2 or 3 days each week and an extra day every second week. If it's amicable, you could agree on splitting the cost 50/50 for a full 5 days nursery and wrap-round. Otherwise, you could ask for every Thursday,Friday,Saturday, while he gets every Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and you alternate Sundays. I would doubt the commitment to 50/50 of a parent who intended to move 40 minutes away. Lots of couples start off amicable but fall out when they calculate the financial position.

Goldbar · 13/09/2022 09:56

You can't do a 50/50 split for an 8 month old who needs access to you every 24 hours. If he wants to do this to save paying you CM, he's an arse.

Tell him she's too young, you need a sensible arrangement for now and you can revisit 50/50 when the baby is older.

Hamleigh · 13/09/2022 09:56

50:50 is not in best interests of the kids at this point. Yes they are his as much as yours but an 8 month old needs its mother. You could reevaluate this in a couple of years when the mother specifically is less important. I’d question why he is proposing to subject the children to that much travel so he can have support. Their needs should come first. If he wants 50:50 in the future he needs to live nearby.

Ihatethenewlook · 13/09/2022 10:04

Midlifemusings · 13/09/2022 09:45

Many women move to be closer to family supports after separation - moving the kids away from dad and making shared custody more complicated and they often get a positive response for that. I don't think that alone is an issue. Being near family supports is lauded on here as important when you are a single parent.

Rgardless it doesn't seem logistically doable at the moment if you need to have access every 24 hours and are trying to share custody.

Generally that’s far away enough that they can’t access that support now, and they build their childrens lives/schools around the new area. The dads moving away from where the childrens lives will actually be. If access to the children needs to be every other day, then surely it’s easier for him to stay local and just visit his family on the occasions that he needs to. He’s putting his needs of himself and his family above his children, forcing them to do all this constant travelling for school and contact just so he can be slightly closer to his mum or whoever

Original poster
CloudyWood · 13/09/2022 12:14

Thanks everyone. I feel a bit more confident talking this through with him now. Hopefully we can come up with a compromise or short term plan. The kids are 100% my priority.

OP posts:
Spritesobright · 13/09/2022 13:14

Have you tried mediation? The mediator will sit down with you and make sure the childcare proposal actually works.
He sounds very wishy washy on the actual details and like he's not considering their needs at all.
He probably just wants to pay less maintenance.
He needs to come up with a feasible, detailed plan that doesn't include 40 minute commutes for the children.

UK law is based around the rights of the child and his current plan isn't doing that.

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