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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Abusive husband, losing his mind and threatening me over the house

32 replies

Gemski38 · 06/09/2022 10:05

So after 9 years, 7 of them of me being so unhappy and trying to get out/make it work, i have had enough. He is manipulative, gas lights me constantly, twists everything i say, calls me names like -
Shit mum
Incapable of love
Psycho
Liar
I abuse the kids (i dont)
Has said awful things about me in the past - whore, slag, nutter etc

Then when im upset and try to communicate he will Not accept blame at all, denies calling me names, says "yeh well what about me and my feelings" no acknowledgment for my feelings at all.

Followed by silent treatment for days/week until i break it, nothing gets discuss, and things go back to normal... it hammered my health and my mental health to.

So I've got a rented house. keys Friday but we have a joint mortgage. He is losing it saying that he can't afford to buy me out, wants to give me £20,000 and me take my name off the mortgage. Then he says if i go for more he will burn the house down. Today he wants me to take the £20,000, take my name off the mortgage and him to rent the house out to me!!!
He wont sell and split the equity as he doesn't think that's fair!!

All this followed up with "you over your little meltdown now" and "so you're going then, are you? that's it?" his attempt at resolving the conflict.

honestly feel so unwell with it all. Its like mental torture x

OP posts:
uncertainalice · 06/09/2022 10:09

well done for getting out @Gemski38 you have done really well to get a rented house and you'll soon be in it and away from his abuse.

just concentrate on doing that for now, looking after you and the kids, and then when you're away from him you can start dealing with the house issue, you need solicitor's advice before you do anything.

i've recently left an abusive marriage so I know how hard it is, well done, stay strong and keep going xx

MadeForThis · 06/09/2022 10:11

Move out
Speak to a solicitor
Stop engaging with him. It's just more abuse.

He can't dictate terms and he can't refuse a divorce. Court can decide the settlement.

AthenaPopodopolous · 06/09/2022 10:14

Good for you. Move out and be happy in your new rented home. I’m rooting for you.

GG1986 · 06/09/2022 10:29

You need a solicitor asap and do not go back to this abusive man, you deserve better! X

Equallength · 06/09/2022 10:31

SEE A SOLICITOR

MrsMoastyToasty · 06/09/2022 10:34

You play hardball. Get a solicitor.

Original poster
Gemski38 · 06/09/2022 10:46

Thank you everyone 😀

I had a wobble yesterday and felt like i just wanted to stay, forget it and carry on, but i know deep down I'm delaying the inevitable. He won't change, we cannot communicate at all as he loses it, and it ends up in a huge argument. So, draining, it has worn me down over the years as basically i am with a man i cannot bring any issues or feelings up with.

I am a student nurse going into my 2nd year next week, so really do not need a house move in the middle of a degree, but i feel like super mum most days as he does nothing to help, so sure i can manage it lol

Apparently, he will " do something stupid" if i get a solicitor as he does not want to give me more than he feels is right.

I will get the keys, get out and sort it once I'm there. The hardest time is now, he is on at me all day to "tell me how much you want then, i want your name off the mortgage now" pressuring me to sort it all out, take the money and go. its causing so many arguments, he won't let me get in the house 1st and settle. My anxiety is sky high.

Hardest thing ever leaving isn't it x

OP posts:
LittleOwl153 · 06/09/2022 10:51

It's Tuesday. 3 more days. You can do it.

Get packed up and out of the house today /ASAP anything that is important to you. Kids momentoes, important paperwork etc. Ask a trusted friend if you can store them there till Friday. Try an arrange for friends / family to help you pack up quick on Friday and get out of there.

Make sure you have proof of his income and all assets including his if you can do this safely. Keep records of his threats such as burning the house down.

Beyond that don't deal with anything now.

On Friday / over the weekend put in your claim for UC if you are eligible AND CMS. I say do this then because they go from the claim date for eligibility so if don't you loose money. I don't know how the UC system works but you might be able to set up the claim in advance if you have time.

Then once you are settled, find a decent solicitor. The solicitor can deal with the splitting of assets including the house. You do not need to engage with him over that. If need be the court system will force him to sell the house or fund buying you out fairly by some other means. That is not a battle to have now. Concentrate on getting yourself and your children out safely. If he is ores you for 3 days so much the better.

Good luck OP. You are in a dangerous time so keep your wits about you.

purplecorkheart · 06/09/2022 10:52

Have you any friends or family that you could stay with until Friday? Remove any important documents from the house today if you can.

Get a Solicitor asap and ignore his threats to do something stupid if you do He is trying to control you.

Daisycrown · 06/09/2022 10:56

I was coming to reiterate what another's have said .
Get out today! As Friday looms he'll likely become more anxious and people who think they have nothing left to lose are very dangerous.
Book into a hotel if you have to keep a record of all communications and threats log with 101 if you have to.
Honestly don't let it come to a head.
Best of luck x

LittleOwl153 · 06/09/2022 10:57

He can make all the threats he likes. Of course he is trying to pressure you. He thinks that way he will get what he wants as he has controlled you for years by it being his way or the highway.

Are you both at home all day for the next few days?

LittleOwl153 · 06/09/2022 11:01

Apparently, he will " do something stupid" if i get a solicitor as he does not want to give me more than he feels is right.

Ah so he knows he's being unfair as a solicitor will not give him what he thinks is right...

Maybe remind him (or don't if it will cause him more anger until you are out) that as you are still married if he "does something stupid" you will get the lot!

Berthatydfil · 06/09/2022 11:04

Apparently, he will " do something stupid" if i get a solicitor as he does not want to give me more than he feels is right.

1 Does that mean he is threatening to harm himself? - if so thats straight out of the abusers hand book. If he says it again - you could if youre strong enough tell him to crack on and it will save you the cost of a divorce lawyer, if not call the police and tell them he's threatening to harm himself .
2 It doesn’t matter what “he feels is right” . He doesn't make the law. Get a solicitor and make sure you and your children get what you're entitled to.

Hes thrashing round in abusive narcissistic rage because he knows you will soon be out of his control.

Please stay strong and take care. It will be over soon. If you dont feel safe consider calling the police

DeeCeeCherry · 06/09/2022 11:04

If you dont see a Solicitor now you'll be blighted by him for years. Absolutely no man is worth that. Id have been recording everything he says.

I wouldn't hang around until Friday if I were you. Stay somewhere else for a couple of days.

See a Solicitor. Get police involved re threats. Move out, live your life. Good luck.

Backtobacknow · 06/09/2022 11:06

MadeForThis · 06/09/2022 10:11

Move out
Speak to a solicitor
Stop engaging with him. It's just more abuse.

He can't dictate terms and he can't refuse a divorce. Court can decide the settlement.

This is the best advice, once you're out you will have a chance to think clearly.

BritInAus · 06/09/2022 11:08

Agree, please don't hang around until Friday. Get out today with the important things - key documents, favourite teddies. That's it. Go back tomorrow or Thursday with a trusted person (ideally large and male) whilst you know he is out, to get whatever else you need, quickly.

You're being incredibly brave, OP. You can do this, we're all behind you!

uncertainalice · 06/09/2022 11:23

You can definitely do this lovely, but yes, leaving is the hardest thing ever. Ignore his threat to "do something stupid", it's just that, a threat to try and keep you under control - my ex said exactly the same and as @Berthatydfil says it's straight out of the abuser's handbook...they just realise they are losing control and go into a rage.

Gather together all the important bits as everyone has said, get whatever documentation of finances you can find...and then get out, ideally today if you have somewhere you can go temporarily, or is there any chance you could ask for the keys to your new place early?

thenewduchessoflapland · 06/09/2022 11:26

1.Go to the police;he's making threats and they should be aware
2.You are a victim of abuse;please contact your local DV charity for support
3.Get a solicitor
4.Please leave asap

Bestcatmum · 06/09/2022 11:27

Its yet more gaslighting OP. He will not burn the house down and the court will tell him how much you'll get. They take a very dim view of all this.
Ignore him once you are out and just deal with the paperwork through a solicitor.
My ex tried the same nonsense. He didn't get anywhere.
Best to get away from abuse regardless how awful you feel as it will never get any better.

gingertoast · 06/09/2022 11:30

Move out, let him do something stupid like burn it down. Far easier to divorce him if he's in prison. The go and live your best life

So not give info his threats; it's his last shred of control over you. Speak to a solicitor

GG1986 · 06/09/2022 12:04

Make sure not to delete any text messages or emails from him., especially if they are threatening. You could even voice record on your phone if he is threatening or being abusive, hide it in your pocket.

DahliaDreamer · 06/09/2022 12:22

Agree with PPs, get out as quickly as you can now, stay with friends or family until Friday. Leave nothing important in the house; assume you will never go back so make sure you have everything you need. That must be your entire focus until you're out. Once out, if he threatens you, call the police. Call the police every time he threatens you. Make a case against him, it will make your divorce and child access arrangements easier. Find a solicitor immediately and take their advice.

Good luck OP and well done for getting out.

purpleboy · 06/09/2022 12:23

Keep all evidence, I'm not sure if you could log it with the police?
Get out don't stay, he is just trying to control you.

Ilovelindor · 06/09/2022 12:26

Ignore, ignore, ignore as much as possible. Do not engage in any conversations with him about anything to do with the house.

Then go and see a solicitor.

AdamRyan · 06/09/2022 12:30

Unfortunately for him you don't have to pay towards the mortgage if you are paying rent (or more accurately, he has as much obligation to pay your rent as you do to pay the mortgage).

Obviously if he doesn't pay it you both get into arrears but he can't make you pay.

I suggest you see a solicitor and get into mediation ASAP. Try to get clear about what your preferred outcome is.

Good luck and honestly it will be 100% easier when you are in your own place.