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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Child Maintenance Payments when "50:50" arrangement

49 replies

ShatteredReality · 05/09/2022 15:07

My STBXH is insisting on a 50:50 parenting arrangement which he thinks, "averaged over 2 weeks" will result in each of us having our DD 7 nights a week.

The reality is very different because of his social calendar and I can see many times when she actually stays with me for more that this.

Is it possible to agree a "day rate" for these times so that, for example, if she stays with me 5 nights a week, he pays me £x a night?

I think in general she will end up staying with me 5 nights in week 1, and 3 or 4 in week 2 because he has commitments that he hasn't considered that he'll have to give up yet. I am fine with this, want it in fact, but I also don't want him to escape paying amounts in the name of being flexible (his wording).

Also on this, I work 4 days a week and him 5. My "day off" is spent with our DD. My work would like me to return full time but I am saying no because this is the final year before she starts school. She is in nursery the other 4 days of the week.

Would it be reasonable to ask him to pay half the nursery day fee, which is what would be needed if I returned to work. I would be better off in work obviously and it's good for her to not be in nursery every day I think. But is this too "out there" in terms of thinking?

OP posts:

Crocwok · 05/09/2022 15:09

It doesn't sound unreasonable, but that doesn't mean he'll agree to it unfortunately (it's unfair) and it is really unlikely to be formalised if you have 50/50. If you suspect he won't be able to actually commit to that I'd try and negotiate and formalise the split over anything else.

waterSpider · 05/09/2022 16:16

Since it's not going to be 50/50, use the CMS calculator to work out what the law thinks is right based on number of nights at each place ...

millymollymoomoo · 05/09/2022 16:40

Use the nights estimated per your above and go with that - eg may work out 60;40 or whatever and set regular Payment rather than trying a pay per view charging

MadeForThis · 05/09/2022 16:47

If it's 50:50 then he should pay 50% of the nursery fees.

Original poster

ShatteredReality · 05/09/2022 17:35

Thanks everybody.

Just some clarifications...

Yes it is not going to be 50:50 in reality, but for now at least he is insisting we do this "but be flexible" which means he gets to ask me to have her extra. I don't have enough evidence right now to dispute that this will work (just my feeling) and this is why I'm trying to protect myself against his actions.

And he does/has agreed to pay 50% of nursery fees, but I am talking about the day she isn't in nursery, but would be if I hadn't given up a day at work... or am I being too optimistic here?

OP posts:

Doingprettywellthanks · 05/09/2022 17:36

Bloody hell this is going to be thoroughly shit for your DD

50/50 really is the pits for the children involved

Doingprettywellthanks · 05/09/2022 17:36

which means he gets to ask me to have her extra

we are talking about your young daughter here and not an incontinent dog?

CallMeByYourUsername · 05/09/2022 17:37

Doingprettywellthanks · 05/09/2022 17:36

Bloody hell this is going to be thoroughly shit for your DD

50/50 really is the pits for the children involved

Agreed.

Doingprettywellthanks · 05/09/2022 17:38

Parents fighting over who has her least

and to ensure if they have her extra, they are financially compensated for it.

un-fucking-believable

lemmein · 05/09/2022 17:44

Doingprettywellthanks · 05/09/2022 17:36

Bloody hell this is going to be thoroughly shit for your DD

50/50 really is the pits for the children involved

Agreed. I would've hated this when my DM &DF split, so unsettling.

millymollymoomoo · 05/09/2022 17:51

50:50 does NOT have to be terrible or pits for the children at all

it can and does work

does not sound great in this thread

Rickrollme · 05/09/2022 17:56

OP has said she wants to have her child more. She just wants her ex to pay his fair share based on how it actually turns out. There’s nothing wrong with that.

The only thing I think is questionable is asking him to pay half of nursery fees on your day off. You made a choice to not work that day and you aren’t paying for nursery so I don’t think you can ask for that.

Doingprettywellthanks · 05/09/2022 17:57

millymollymoomoo · 05/09/2022 17:51

50:50 does NOT have to be terrible or pits for the children at all

it can and does work

does not sound great in this thread

Let me guess

You were never the child involved in a 50/50 split?

LittleOwl153 · 05/09/2022 18:01

Just make sure his 50% doesn't include all the weekends or indeed all school days as you will set a precedent if he take it to court once she's at school.

I would ask CMS to do a calculation for you to have decide your own agreement at this stage which covers the most likely senario so you have their word for his income level - unless you know already/can trust him to share this accurately. You can then work out what the difference maintenance points are (The maintained change points are 103,155 and 174 nights a year so it would split potentially across 3 'figures') I would work what those 3 figures are on a monthly basis and agree for 6 months that he will pay you at the end of the month according to what he has managed to have the dc for. I think after 6 months (or even 3) then it will be fairly clear and either he can agree or you have a record to take to cms for an annual arrangement.

I'd be very careful though as pp have said. This child is small and probably not yet able to voice her opinion on arrangements properly. My 2 nieces - teenagers - hate it. They never know where they are (and they do 1 week on 1 week off) or where their stuff is. So to have a little one chopping and changing each day to suit dad's schedule will not work for her.

millymollymoomoo · 05/09/2022 18:15

doingpretty / let me guess, you are a mother who thinks it’s ok for dads to only see their children occasionally

Doingprettywellthanks · 05/09/2022 18:19

millymollymoomoo · 05/09/2022 18:15

doingpretty / let me guess, you are a mother who thinks it’s ok for dads to only see their children occasionally

Yes because there’s no middle ground between

50/50 and “occasionally” 🙄

whatamess2022 · 05/09/2022 18:22

Urgh I hate it when people pop up onto these threads to proclaim how terrible 50:50 is for the children. Some of us desperately try to avoid it but are forced to agree to it, either through court or some other process. All we can do is try and make it work for our children. People jumping on to judge when that's not the question being asked just makes us feel shit.

Ameadowwalk · 05/09/2022 18:26

What is the current split of care? It would surely be in DD’s best interests to maintain that for stability. Because remember the child arrangements are about the child’s best interests, not about what your ex (or even you) wants.

Janedoe82 · 05/09/2022 18:28

I have a family member who has 50:50 with ex partner. With grandparents involved too it really is like pass the parcel.
If no other option fair enough but should be the last resort.

Goldencup · 05/09/2022 18:28

Doingprettywellthanks · 05/09/2022 17:36

Bloody hell this is going to be thoroughly shit for your DD

50/50 really is the pits for the children involved

I think the only kind way to do this is "nesting" where the children stay put and the adults come and go from the former family home.

LilacPoppy · 05/09/2022 18:30

50/50 is awful your dd isn't a parcel.

auberJohn · 05/09/2022 18:32

My kids are happy and settled with 50/50, despite me being a father and the difficulties my ex constantly gives me. If a parent provides a happy stable environment, then the kids flourish.

CombatBarbie · 05/09/2022 18:33

This sounds very messy and confusing for DD. He needs to buck up his ideas. 50/50 is just that. Most do 1 full week each or 3 days one week 4 days the next. Preferably I'd want 1 week on/off.

I know your happy to have her extra but his social commitments are not your concern.

NoEffingWay · 05/09/2022 18:37

We do 50/50 because that is how DS likes it, we are also flexible parents who will change things around to support DS. We also meet for things like parents evenings, school stuff and work together.

To proclaim something as terrible is such a generalisation.

Soontobe60 · 05/09/2022 18:38

millymollymoomoo · 05/09/2022 17:51

50:50 does NOT have to be terrible or pits for the children at all

it can and does work

does not sound great in this thread

Completely agree. It worked for us, but we had set days on a week on week of basis, she went to the same school and childminder before we split up, I moved back to my DMs house and she loved her grandparents so loved staying there. If her DF was doing something unloveable on his week, he got his mum to babysit, and the same for me. No money changed hands.

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