Child Maintenance Payments when "50:50" arrangement

[ShatteredReality]

My STBXH is insisting on a 50:50 parenting arrangement which he thinks, "averaged over 2 weeks" will result in each of us having our DD 7 nights a week.

The reality is very different because of his social calendar and I can see many times when she actually stays with me for more that this.

Is it possible to agree a "day rate" for these times so that, for example, if she stays with me 5 nights a week, he pays me £x a night?

I think in general she will end up staying with me 5 nights in week 1, and 3 or 4 in week 2 because he has commitments that he hasn't considered that he'll have to give up yet. I am fine with this, want it in fact, but I also don't want him to escape paying amounts in the name of being flexible (his wording).

Also on this, I work 4 days a week and him 5. My "day off" is spent with our DD. My work would like me to return full time but I am saying no because this is the final year before she starts school. She is in nursery the other 4 days of the week.

Would it be reasonable to ask him to pay half the nursery day fee, which is what would be needed if I returned to work. I would be better off in work obviously and it's good for her to not be in nursery every day I think. But is this too "out there" in terms of thinking?

Why is 50:50 bad? What is a better alternative when separated?

I don't have the option of 50:50; just curious.

I think you’re misunderstanding that the op wants her more, but is pissed off that this is clearly a tactic her ex is using to get out of paying maintenance when he’s not going to stick to 50-50

It would make far more sense for you to go back to work full time. Then your ex will pay half of all nursery fees. Your ex needs to make a commitment to his dd. Sounds like he is seeing her when he has nothing else he wants to do. 50:50 is 50:50, not 50 sometimes when he has nothing better on.

My children do 50/50 - they and their dad deserve time together just as much as I do (we both work full time). They are very happy with the routine

However I did find the kids find it more settling with set days so they know where they are going to be (with flexibility where needed) we do mon/tues mum, Weds/ thurs dad and then alternate every other Fri / sat / Sunday.

unfortunately after divorcing if he wants 50/50 then some of his social life will have to go (or pay CMS for less than 50/50) - can’t have cake and eat if

50/50 is better for parents not children unless the parents move bsvk and forwards from the family home.

Can I ask whether this will be a CAO or informally between you?

Also will you be going through the CMS service for maintainence or a private agreement?

How amicable are the negotiations so far and have you been to/considering mediation?

Thanks for your opinion. Interestingly your opinion is the opposite of what this 2017 University of Uppsala* published study by professionals has shown:

Preschool children in joint physical custody have less psychological symptoms than those who live mostly or only with one parent after a separation. A new study of 3,656 children shows that 3–5-year-olds living alternately with their parents after a separation show less behavioural problems and psychological symptoms than those living mostly or only with one of the parents.

www.uu.se/en/news/article/?id=9254&typ=artikel&lang=en

*University f Uppsala is a top ranking Swedish University

It seems your arrangement hasn't started yet so why not wait and see how it goes?
I can't believe you want him to pay half of nursery fees for a day she isn't in nursery? This is your own child you're talking about. Not a cash cow

If he dropped to 4 days a week would you pay him to have her on the 5th day?

Why? What is your evidence?

And he does/has agreed to pay 50% of nursery fees, but I am talking about the day she isn't in nursery, but would be if I hadn't given up a day at work... or am I being too optimistic here?

So she's not in nursery, you decided not to go back to work on that day, why would he pay?

OP, I'd start the 50-50 arrangement now & insist he keeps to it.

If he has social plans- tough - you are not there to facilitate that. His responsibility.

Sometimes there are unrealistic expectations that you'll continue to be the default parent, there to facilitate the other one's social/working life - make it clear that will not happen you are doing nothing more than 50-50.

He'll either step up or wise up.

@Doingprettywellthanks stop projecting your own childhood experiences onto the OPs situation. I'm sorry you had a difficult time of it but your experience is not hers. Offering unkind judgements is not helpful.

Would you read OPs message properly before you start insulting her?

Sorry the above response was meant for @Batshittery

That's how I understood it too

I haven't insulted anyone, and I have read the posts thanks

No flexibility, he has her all week every other week, or not. He arranges childcare all week on the week he has, so he pays for the whole week nursery on his week, and you pay for your 4 days. If he will not commit to this, then he needs to agree what he will commit to and pay the appropriate CMS for the extra days. Give no quarter, because that's when the piss taking starts.

In Sweden joint care starts from birth, most fathers take paternity leave and share care from the beginning, so there is no change for the child. Unlike this country where feckless fathers do as little as they possibly can until they think it might save them cash.

Surely if he wants 50:50, then he has to do 50:50, and recognise that flexibility is at most swapping a day, rather than you taking on more days and him less. If he wants 60:40 or 70:30 or whatever, then CMS will be due. He needs to agree a pattern with you, and stick to it.

No, of course you can't charge him an extra childcare fee because you choose to work one day less! Obviously if he pays half of nursery fees, then if you choose to work the extra day, then he will pay his half of the extra day of nursery needed for you both to work.

OP, the suggestion about alternate weeks is one I'd suggest.

So he has her 5 days one week, then you have her 4.

He pays for 5 days childcare & you pay for 4 & have your DD on your day off.

Would your employer allow you to compress a full time job in to a 9 day fortnight?

FWIW, I had our childcare agreement written in to our minute of agreement (Scottish law do slightly different) so it was absolutely clear & watertight what was expected.

My ex did a massive u-turn, from wanting 50-50, to a mid-week night & EOW arrangement plus 50% of school holidays.

I absolutely refused to continue to facilitate him (had gone part time after having DC).

No you don't "need"to be flexible he needs to be a parent either he does 50/50 or he works out properly what is in the child's best interests and his own and deals appropriately

You are not together you DONT need to cover him he needs to arrange cover himself

Thanks to everybody who have made constructive comments on this thread it's been really helpful.

Crikey ignore the haters on this thread. There's enough mum guilt as it is! I'm another one who has fifty fifty but doesn't like the sound of it for the kids and have agonised over it because ex never did fifty fifty before and now wants it. It's true that I think it is partly because he couldn't stomach giving me money but I think the kids are ok with it and it's true that the research does say it's better. It's the relationship with the Dad, say, that is important, and it's important the Dad, or whoever but mostly it's the Dad, plays a more active role in the actual care of the kids rather than be an EOW Dad. I actually hate fifty fifty, I miss the little one so much :( but I do actually accept that it's good for the little one to have a good relationship with Dad that includes doing ALL the care, not just the Disney Dad type thing. I've had to let go a bit mind...

So yes I'd say he can have fifty fifty but he's got to pay for childcare etc and do it properly. My ex has actually stepped up and learnt how to do many things that I used to do. It's not perfect but I think the relationship is what matters, even if fifty fifty is a bit of a logistical ballache.