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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Agree to 50/50 for the children even if I did most of parenting?

28 replies

londonnest · 01/09/2022 14:35

My DH and I are in the process of getting a divorce. He’s proposed a 50/50 split for our two young children (both under 6). I think coming to an agreement between us would be better than having to go through the court or an arbitrator. But for most of the children’s lives, I’ve been the primary carer so I think the children should spent the majority of the time with me (for example alternate weekends and one overnight stay during the week with him). Should I fight for more than 50/50?

When the children were young, I stayed home with them for almost 2 years. DH also took some extended time off from work. But since, he’s focused back on his career (and social life) and lets me handle the vast majority of the parenting. Even at weekends or evenings, he doesn’t help me much. He enjoys doing the ‘fun stuff’ with them (when it’s convenient for him). The rest of the time, he’s happy to put them in front of the TV so that he can do what he wants and rest. He can’t be bothered to help with homework, doctors visits, etc. To be fair, he does read them stories in the evening when he’s home; and he does some school drop offs/pick ups (when it suits his schedule).
He now wants me to move out of the house (he can afford the mortgage, I can’t). I hate the idea.

I don’t think it’s fair that he should get 50% of the time with them. I don’t think it’s in the best interest of the children either. He says that we have different parenting styles but I don’t think they’re equally good for the children!

Whenever he spends a bit of time with them, he always complains about how tired he is. So I’m not entirely sure why he even wants 50/50 other than he’s delusional about his parenting abilities!
We still need to sort out finances (and that won’t be easy as he’s not being reasonable) but my main question is what to do with the children. Can I make a case for having the children the majority of the time?

OP posts:
PoppyVioletIris · 01/09/2022 14:42

What you think is fair is irrelevant. What is in the best interests of the children is all that matters. .

If you don't think 50/50 is best for the children then you need to come up with another proposal and put this to him. Mediation can be incredibly helpful in this situation.

BigMamaFratelli · 01/09/2022 15:01

Does he want 50:50 so he doesn't have to pay any maintenance?

Original poster
londonnest · 01/09/2022 15:16

Hi,
I don't think it's about maintenance. I think he has narcissistic tendencies and feel entitled to as much time as me even though he doesn't make much effort to be with the children. Now that there is a possibility that they could be with me most of the time, he wants to argue that he should get as much time.

OP posts:
Original poster
londonnest · 01/09/2022 15:21

PoppyVioletIris · 01/09/2022 14:42

What you think is fair is irrelevant. What is in the best interests of the children is all that matters. .

If you don't think 50/50 is best for the children then you need to come up with another proposal and put this to him. Mediation can be incredibly helpful in this situation.

Thanks. Any advice on how to prove it's in the best interest of the children to be with me most of the time if we ever end up in front of a judge? He's not abusive, a drug user, an alcoholic or anything like that. He's just not very attentive to the children and hasn't shown much interest.

OP posts:
Creepymanonagoatfarm · 01/09/2022 15:24

Imo if you agree to 50 /50 will he actually act upon it?
Prob not if he doesn't usually do what I call the Donkey Work.
Maybe prepare a potential schedule... Add on trips to Dr /dentist /haircuts /clothes +shoe shopping trips for the dc /party invites /after school clubs. Explain he will need to commit to doing half of all that also. Not just TV dinners and TV as childcare...
Betcha he bows out.

mathanxiety · 01/09/2022 15:30

A narcissist always tries to kill two birds with one stone and will not hesitate to use children to abuse the target of their anger and resentment.

50/50 to a narcissist means:
No maintenance.
He gets to take the children from you.

This is a win win situation for him.

Fight him and be orepared to fight hard. If you give an inch to a narcissist he will take a mile. You will just find yourself fighting him over issues like children's vaccinations, braces or dental procedures, holidays, school stuff, sports, extra curriculars, and on and on and on.

Don't kid yourself that playing nice will make him respect you or stop trying to abuse you.

Get a solicitor who has done high conflict divorces.

PoppyVioletIris · 01/09/2022 15:30

If you ever end up in front of a judge then CAFCASS would be involved and would make recommendations (speaking to both of you, school, children etc). The difficulty you may have is that just because you are a more attentive parent does not necessarily mean he's not a good parent and entitled to 50%.

RubiesandRose · 01/09/2022 15:35

I second a previous poster and spell out to him what 50/50 looks like:-

Buying clothes/ shoes etc
Booking and taking to doctors/hospital appts
Staying home with them if they are poorly
Taking to clubs/parties at the weekends they are with him, including buying the gifts
Making packed lunches etc for school days
Doing their washing/ironing whilst they are with him, not sending dirty clothes back to you.

I bet he runs a mile when he realises what it entails!!

Fuuuuuckit · 01/09/2022 15:38

If you are still living together I'd suggest that you begin a 50/50 trial now op. Tell him he will be doing 50/50 of all kid-related stuff - bathtimes, bedtimes, getting up and ready, meals, entertaining, washing, shopping etc.

I give it a week...

HesDeadBenYouCanStopNow · 01/09/2022 15:40

RubiesandRose · 01/09/2022 15:35

I second a previous poster and spell out to him what 50/50 looks like:-

Buying clothes/ shoes etc
Booking and taking to doctors/hospital appts
Staying home with them if they are poorly
Taking to clubs/parties at the weekends they are with him, including buying the gifts
Making packed lunches etc for school days
Doing their washing/ironing whilst they are with him, not sending dirty clothes back to you.

I bet he runs a mile when he realises what it entails!!

Plus covering 50% of school holidays, inset days etc.

If it's his week it's his responsibility

anderosonnmj · 01/09/2022 15:41

He wants 50/50 to punish you. That's what narcissists do. My DB is going through this with his ex-wife. She wants the kids 100% of the time but is completely disinterested in them and my parents have ended up doing the majority of the care.

I'm concerned that you say your husband wants you to leave the family home. You need to get a good solicitor right now. Whatever you do, don't leave the home. And you should probably go through mediation.

MoreProseccoNow · 01/09/2022 16:16

Oh god, I had one of these too.

A workaholic who worked long hours & had very little input in day to day family life - he was just in it for the glory moments at weekends - has never done a drop off or pickup in his life.

As other posters have suggested, I called him out on it - said he had to do 50-50. The wheels came off quickly as he couldn't do childcare drop-off's around his working pattern.

I'd always been the primary carer & couldn't afford to buy him out - he was determined to keep his status symbol house - bizarrely he prioritised buying me out over having 50-50% contact - so he has less contact - his choice but of course he is the victim in this (in his narcissistic mind set) & I am the "bad woman who took his kids off him".

Be prepared to fight hard, but do so for your children's future

gogohmm · 01/09/2022 16:22

Think of it a different way, what advantages are there for you if it's 50/50? There's a bit of me that realised that if I had split from dcs dad earlier I might have had time for me, I'm so enjoying my time now.

AshTrees · 01/09/2022 16:30

This is definitely about not having to pay maintenance!

Original poster
londonnest · 01/09/2022 16:41

Thank you all for the comments.
I think his plan for his time with the children is to 'outsource' the childcare to a nanny during the week (he can afford it), have his 'glory moments' at the weekend (and pretend to be an attentive parent in front of friends - this is very important to him) and rely on TV as childcare for the rest of the weekend.
I think it's best for the children to be with me than to be with a nanny (I have more flexibility in my work).
He definitely see the house as a status symbol. But I think that if I stayed in the house, it would be less disrupting to the children, since I do most of the day to day parenting.

OP posts:
FloydPepper · 01/09/2022 16:49

londonnest · 01/09/2022 15:16

Hi,
I don't think it's about maintenance. I think he has narcissistic tendencies and feel entitled to as much time as me even though he doesn't make much effort to be with the children. Now that there is a possibility that they could be with me most of the time, he wants to argue that he should get as much time.

Hang on, so wanting equal time with your kids is narcissistic?

FloydPepper · 01/09/2022 16:50

AshTrees · 01/09/2022 16:30

This is definitely about not having to pay maintenance!

This always gets trotted out. And you know this how?

FloydPepper · 01/09/2022 16:52

londonnest · 01/09/2022 16:41

Thank you all for the comments.
I think his plan for his time with the children is to 'outsource' the childcare to a nanny during the week (he can afford it), have his 'glory moments' at the weekend (and pretend to be an attentive parent in front of friends - this is very important to him) and rely on TV as childcare for the rest of the weekend.
I think it's best for the children to be with me than to be with a nanny (I have more flexibility in my work).
He definitely see the house as a status symbol. But I think that if I stayed in the house, it would be less disrupting to the children, since I do most of the day to day parenting.

But isn’t the usual advice on here when 50:50 that childcare is the responsibility of the parent who’s time it is?

I understand any split is upsetting but you’re in danger of coming across like you hate him so much you don’t have the childrens interests at heart. I’m sure that’s not the case

Rummikub · 01/09/2022 17:03

Do you do majority of childcare, school runs etc now? When I spoke to a solicitor about my situation it was about stability for dc so we have equal PR but I’m the resident parent.

Original poster
londonnest · 01/09/2022 17:15

Rummikub · 01/09/2022 17:03

Do you do majority of childcare, school runs etc now? When I spoke to a solicitor about my situation it was about stability for dc so we have equal PR but I’m the resident parent.

Yes, I do the majority of the childcare, school runs, etc. What do you mean by equal PR and being the resident parent? How is the time split? Thanks

OP posts:
mrsbitaly · 01/09/2022 17:17

Say yes I would give it a few weeks and I bet he will want to change it 😂

Rummikub · 01/09/2022 17:22

Parental responsibility =PR.
So we have equal responsibility on parenting decisions. Less important now dc are teens.

RP= resident parent ie the parent who has dc most of the time and claims child benefit.

DC generally with me all week and Saturday night at his. Holidays spilt more evenly.

Please speak to a solicitor to discuss things over.

millymollymoomoo · 01/09/2022 18:45

Many parents use nannies/ child minders etc
there is nothing wrong with that

ive seen many working dads pick up slack once divorced. Rioted change and what was before is often not what Is going forward ie women generally have to work longer men gave to take on more childcare

instead of ‘fighting’ him, ask him what he actually intends to manage and how he plans to do it and rake it from there.

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 01/09/2022 18:51

I'd definitely start the 50:50 now if that's what he wants. As a trial run. The risk obviously being if he thrives you don't get them as much as if he failed. But if he thrives then they thrive so I guess it's a win win.

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 01/09/2022 18:51

As in start it now whilst you're still living together

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