Is it normal for Ex’s family to cut me and kids out of their lives after his affair?

[Newsinglemum1]

I recently split from my husband after a year long spate of his heavy drinking, never coming home, disappearing for days that all culminated in me finding out he had sex with a girl at his new job, and this was all following our son’s birth last year. (And many years of him being what I thought was just a bad drunk with depression)

Whilst I was dealing with him nearly burning the house down twice due to being drunk and him becoming more horrible to me and my daughter (5) I had continually asked my in laws for help and support with dealing with his drink problem as it was getting dangerous.

Since I have found out about the cheating it gave me the strength to say, enough is enough, instead of trying to help him, but now his family are not speaking to me at all. Despite me asking them to help him understand what splitting up means and that he needs to think of our children’s needs.

I feel very hurt that somehow I am now being blamed for his awful behaviour, when I feel like I’ve been abused for years and can now clearly see that.

is it normal for a family to totally cut ties with grandchildren/nieces/nephews after separation? I wouldn’t dream of not speaking to my nieces especially when they are going through a big change like this…

Yes I think it's normally especially when your ex has problems. They don't want to get roped into dealing with him and sorting his life out so they're backing off.

To be honest I wouldn't stay in touch with someone who 'split' from my family unless we had a really close relationship outside the in law one. I'm not in touch with any of my sister's or dh's brothers and sister's exes. It's not about blame, it's just they've left the family and so we've moved on

They are embarrassed and ashamed that they raised an idiot. Of course they are looking to blame someone else.

Yes it’s normal. Tbh I am so sick of the manipulations of my bils exes. I am not involved in their relationship and have no patience for them trying to involve family in their arguments. Not my business. Don’t talk to me about it.

Blood is thicker than water

Sorry. I definitely wouldn't be trying to get my relative to see the error of their ways either. I wouldn't like the cheating but I wouldn't act as a go between. They'd presumably be aware of the consequences of cheating as they're an adult

I think it depends on how what they are like as individuals. But it sounds wrong. They should be there to support their nieces/nephews/grandchildren.

It might be the case that some in-laws might be , unconsciously even, waiting to see if you find another partner sometime soon, and enter a new domestic set up, and have a lot of in-put, attention etc. going on for your children. That set up might make it seem that your kids are ok for attention, and also might seem more complicated to get involved in, especially if any new partner doesn't like your ex. But I wouldn't agree with this, as it's best to all be friends.

Obviously, they can see your kids when they are with their dad. But, if he is having problems of his own to sort out, it would make good sense for them to speak to you. And, if he is really having problems of his own, he won't be caring for the baby alone.

I suppose that it is early days, and they may start communicating with you, if they see you supporting your ex in his issues, and helping him to sustain a relationship with his children.

Obviously, to treat children as kind of ' chattels' belonging to the mother, is wholly wrong and abhorrent. The in-laws ought to be enriching your children's lives.

Yes, it's normal for them to stick with him. It's up to him to arrange contact with his children and to use that time to arrange visits to family on his side - that's not your responsibility.

It's sad to lose people from your life but it's part of the end of a relationship unfortunately.

What are you looking for from them? Are your own family and friends supporting you? Why do you want or need any contact with them?

Well done on getting out of the relationship. It sounds horrendous. I've just split from alcoholic cheater so I sympathise. Have you ever tried Al Anon for support?

I think there are two things- one his family blaming you. Well, that is clearly ridiculous but I can see that it's easier for them to accept his lies and distortions than admit that he's an awful, drunken cheat who's treated you appallingly.
It sucks but I would just remain polite, keep a distance and try to let it wash over you. You know you did everything you could and the truth. And they will eventually realise his version doesn't make sense.

The second thing is, if I understand correctly, are his family not making any effort to stay in touch with your child with this man? Now that does seem sad. I have never been in the situation but I can imagine sometimes grandparents do lose touch with a grandchild when the parents have split. Is this the issue? You're worried about your child not having contact with its wider family?
It would be sad but I'm not sure what you can do if that's what they seem to have decided. I can't imagine it would be good for you to have to push them into more contact, that could only backfire and also be stressful for you.
Have you got family of your own for support?

You inflicted a dangerous, horrible drunk on your daughter for years, and went on to have a child with him? Be glad that he and his enabling family are gone and work on being a better parent.

You talk about their contact with you in the body of your post not their grandchildren/nieces/nephews but then mention them at the end. Are they given opportunities to see them but not taking them up?

I think it’s normal for them to distance themselves from you. They don’t want to deal with fallout from your relationship with ex. And also if they weren’t friends with you then it’s normal to distance themselves.

It’s a shame if they’re not seeing their grandchildren or nieces/nephews but you don’t give examples of how they changed in that regard.

It must be very tricky for them, they probably want to leave the two of you to sort it out between you and I expect they have torn loyalties.

It is normal. A friend of mine really liked her sister in law and had great laughs together. They knew each other for 4 years, then after SIL and BIL got married, the relationship quickly fell apart, and they were separated after only 6 months.

My friend wasn’t massively fond of her BIL, but he was family. She loved her SIL but she wasn’t family. So she had to ‘side’ with BIL, and reluctantly cut ties with SIL as she felt it would be too awkward and devisive to stay friends. Recently (after 10 years) she ran into SIL and was friendly, but both have moved on.

I think it's terrible to drop your grandchild like this. Can you not wait for the dust to settle a bit and then reach out for your DD?

To add to the above, there were no children. If there are, I am sure that after an initial period of settlement, relationship with blood relatives (ie kids) will resume. But without you.

Blood is thicker than water I'm afraid. Most families side with their relatives in the end, even in cases such as abuse and alcoholism. Trouble is he will now inflict his selfishness on them, so they'll blame you further, because they don't have you to rely on. Take a step back, only communicate with him via email or text, and only about the dc. Don't try and engage his family again. I know it's hard and it can feel like another bereavement, but you need to step back from all of them and look after you and your dc.

That's normal after a separation and / or divorce.

It doesn't mean they condone what he did, just that they have no reason to have a relationship with you any longer

It's up to him to arrange contact with his family.

Yes, always quite surprised that people expect to have an ongoing relationship with ex’s family, whatever the circumstances of the split.

It’s sad, but I wonder if you asking them to try to make him understand the error of his ways contributed?

Yes same here.

Won’t they just see the kids through their Dad?

Same.

Snap @bluberries !

Honestly you are better off without them in your life.

They seem to be siding with a dangerous drunk with a cheating habit.

Decent grand parents would want to keep in touch with you and your kids and would be appalled by your ex's behaviour.

Those who are coming up with platitudes like ''blood is thicker than water'': if this man is the father of your daughter then your kid is their blood relative too. A loving grand parent would not want to loose contact with their grand-daughter.

Of course we still see the kids...when they're with our side of the family. We don't expect the ex to facilitate our relationship with their children