Splitting assets 2 ways

[pineapplepickle]

Hi, I'm a Dad of four trying to work out how me and my ex move forward. My partner (never married or in a civil partnership) of 18 yrs has decided the relationship is over. I understand her reasons and want to move forward amicably. The trouble is my ex's view on her new life seems unrealistic and there are four children who we need to ensure are impacted as little as possible.

My income goes entirely on mortgage, bills etc with very little left over each month. For the last 2 yrs, ex has been working nearly full time in an enjoyable but low paid role; her income goes on her car, ad-hoc purchases for the kids and whatever else she decides is appropriate but not household expenses. When we moved a couple of years' ago, my understanding is that she would contribute to mortgage, utilities etc.

Ex wants to sell our current property and that we both buy slightly smaller houses in the same locality. Having scoured the property pages, I haven't found anywhere that I could afford as prices have gone up and now so are interest rates plus utility bills etc. It's started to get uncomfortable as she clearly thinks I'm being awkward about not selling but my primary concern is making sure the children have at least one stable home.

I've wracked my head round options including borrowing money from friends and family to buy her out but am now feeling resentful that I'm doing all the legwork (and increasingly DIY and housework) while she is, in my view, going out and enjoying her new freedom whilst living here for 'free' (yes, inflammatory statement but how I feel).

We've agreed to a 50:50 split of parental duties but she has refused to make this legally binding so I'm increasingly concerned she will aim for having the kids full time and therefore keep the house.

I've gone through so many options and emotions that I feel I've lost sight of what the right thing to do is. I do want to end the relationship in a fair way but I also need to rebuild my life and ensure the children have a really positive environment to grow-up in. Posting here as perhaps there are Mums & Dads who have been through similar who can tell me if I'm being sensible/pragmatic or not 😐

Is the house owned jointly? If so, as you’re not married, she’s entitled to 50% of the equity.

The house is solely in my name and I've paid 100% of mortgage payments.

Well
strictly speaking she’s not entitled to any of it

what’s her plan to lay mortgage and bills and earn a decent living ?

hiw old are the children ?

House in your name, Not married

Walk away with your house!

She's not entitled to any of the house then. It's 100% yours

Thanks all for the responses. That's good to know from a legal perspective. Guess I'm struggling with the principal of it - if we were married she'd be entitled to at least a significant % of the house.
@millymollymoomoo You've hit the nail on the head - I don't think she has a plan other than hoping for the best. There has been some talk of a shared ownership house but they're rare as hens teeth around here.

@millymollymoomoo Children are all under 16

She’s needs a plan to

work if not now
pay her own mortgage and bills

because you are not responsible for her

yiu will have to pay CMS
she could try to take it to court to claim rights to remain in the house but this is much harder as she’s not married and is quite likely to be costly and not necessarily successful

I think you need to go back and tell her it’s not 50:50 and start a dialogue on how you both house your children and how you both become financially independent

Wow. I suspect she's been getting some advice from a poor source or making massive assumptions. What's going to happen when she realises her entitlement is zero assets (but ongoing child maintenance)?

Why didn't she ever invest in the house or have part of it in her name? Did you have an agreement about it, formally or informally?

As things stand she's probably not entitled to anything but you have to question what she was thinking to end up in that situation with 4 kids!?!

You'll want your children to be well housed whatever happens so maybe if you take that as your starting point and advise her to get some legal advice so someone else can break the bad news.

When is she planning on moving out?

As others have said, legally she isn’t entitled to any of the house. But the fact that you own the house outright doesn’t mean that you have sole custody of the children! The 2 issues are entirely separate.
Your children need somewhere to live with each parent. As a good father I’d expect you to ensure their mother is able to live somewhere that ensures the children can spend quality time with both of you.
You mention about house prices increasing - don't forget that the value of your house has also increased by the same. Perhaps you are in a position of ensuring she gets enough money for a decent deposit on a rental property and that you contribute to the rent for an amount of time via child support?

100% agree with all comments about ensuring the children have got good homes and I think co-parenting 50:50 is best for our kids. And that is really my dilemma as I can financially support one good home but not two. The current house has definitely increased in value but running the calculations a new mortgage would be more per month based on current prices and interest rates so I'd be even less able to support ex. I have offered options like paying for a year's worth of ex's rent but she's set on buying.

@waterSpider From what I can gather, it's massive assumptions and a huge feeling of she deserves her own home and therefore the money must be available; this is the thing that's really getting to me.

@ArcticSkewer She's got a bad relationship with money; years ago had a poor credit rating and while that's been resolved she didn't want to be on the mortgage application. I never really got to the bottom of why she didn't want to be on the deeds as I offered and she kept saying it was a waste of money! I don't think she's got a clue about moving out. Even if I found money to give her half the notional profit from selling this place I don't think she'd move out. Giving her formal notice to leave seems a horrendous option and might jeopardise relationship with the kids and their sense of well being.

Thanks for the input and advice - really helpful to talk it through. I'm a 'fixer' by nature but need to accept that there's only so much I can do and she may need to get a better paying job, smaller property etc.

Well she can’t have what’s not there

neither can can expect you to keep bs rolling her
neither is she she any of your house

you are entitled to house yourself snd your children too to equal standard

if not careful you’re going to be taken for a ride

she wants out which means she needs to now think how she stands on her own two feet and provides for herself

Your children need somewhere to live with each parent. As a good father I’d expect you to ensure their mother is able to live somewhere that ensures the children can spend quality time with both of you.
It isn’t OP’s responsibility to pay for his ex-partner’s house. She’s put herself in a hugely silly place by not working (much), not contributing to the mortgage.

I have offered options like paying for a year's worth of ex's rent but she's set on buying.

With what - she has little income and presumably little deposit. Even if you release some equity to fund a deposit she won’t be able to get a mortgage without a solid income

It sounds like she will have to move out and rent, she would get help via UC. You could do 50:50 whereby she still gets the CB so the DC are considered in her calculations.

If you are going to struggle without her income then you may have to extend your mortgage term to make this feasible.

If you can't afford to remortgage you give her a chunk of equity then you just can't 🤷🏽‍♀️

You could offer her a lump sum in the future when the DC are adults and move out but that would be your decision.

Is there any way you could split the house and let her live in a granny flat. I realise that might be totally unworkable

Would "nesting" be an option? The two of you rent a one-bed or studio, she lives in it one week and in the house with the kids the next, while you do the opposite. So the kids don't have to move about every week, the parents do.

So did she understand that not going on mortgage/deeds meant she wasn't investing in the house? It just seems weird that now she thinks she owns half a house. Do you run separate finances or was her money also paying the mortgage?

If you're not going to give her part of the value of the house - you're going to have to tell her (or get a solicitor to tell her? maybe pay for a mediation session?)

I can't see her taking it well, but some reality needs to enter the conversation.

@millymollymoomoo @LittleBearPad Just what I've been trying to explain - she's got a really distorted view of what I (and she) can afford. I do feel like she's currently got it easy as I'm paying for almost everything - acceptable when we were in a relationship but doesn't seem right anymore.

@RandomMess Good to know about CB with 50:50 split. I think she can claim it now as we're separated and have been for some time but she's hesitant to do so; another of her choices I don't understand as any tax repayment would be paid by me anyway. You are right and I'm considering looking for higher paying jobs but also looking at other options like renting a room to a lodger. I've explained that I might be able to remortgage or get a loan to pay her a lump sum but couldn't do this and pay any monthly support as that money would go to loan repayments.

@Kup @HirplesWithHaggis These are great ideas but she has rejected both. TBH, I think splitting the house would be difficult but anything's possible. I suggested the nesting option but she's set on having her own place and flat out rejected that.

@ArcticSkewer I really don't know - she's convinced herself she's due half the proceeds but I don't think she's considered the legality of it. I arranged for meditation which was helpful working out potential child care but went completely off the rails when it came to finances - the mediator started to give pseudo legal advice (TOLATA) which really just made things worse. As you say, probably time to make a formal offer and start paying solicitors

Well she needs to start claiming child benefit, she can also claim Universal Credit - so long as you live separately even within the same house.

It doesn't matter what private agreement you come to she can go to CMS to claim child maintenance from you so I would be very careful about take out a loan to give her a lump sum in lieu of maintenance as you'll be screwed.

She needs to get her screwed on and stop thinking you can afford it should continue to fund the lifestyle you currently both have - it's not possible!!

Living separately with the same house means buying and cooking your own food, own laundry, own cleaning etc etc basically like a house share. Start going 50:50 on child costs - food, school costs etc. pay for own car, phone etc etc.

She boards for free in lieu of maintenance until she moves out.

Sounds like she could be in for a very rude awakening financially

Due to interest rates and moving costs not the best time for you to sell up. Have you enough bedrooms to have a lodger and have the DC 50:50?

She's not going to get anywhere with tolata. Doubt she can even pay the solicitor fees based on what you've described.
But you're going to have a job convincing her of that!
I'd start on legal advice if I were you

Didn't realise she could claim UC as well. I'll diplomatically point her in that direction 😬. Good point about private agreements. I think I'll need to find a solicitor to make sure I don't get into hot water and start sending significant communications via them.

We are living just as you described - completely separate; glad I pushed through closing our joint account some time ago.

I could make it work with a lodger - would need to do a fair bit of DIY but that's OK. And obviously make sure it didn't have a detrimental effect on the kids.

I think she will be in for a rude awakening. Despite everything that's happened I don't want her to struggle (not good for her or kids) but have run out of options 😔.

Re. Tolata, that was my thinking. Honestly, feel furious at the "mediator" as it's given Ex a false impression of what's possible