Splitting assets 2 ways

[pineapplepickle]

Hi, I'm a Dad of four trying to work out how me and my ex move forward. My partner (never married or in a civil partnership) of 18 yrs has decided the relationship is over. I understand her reasons and want to move forward amicably. The trouble is my ex's view on her new life seems unrealistic and there are four children who we need to ensure are impacted as little as possible.

My income goes entirely on mortgage, bills etc with very little left over each month. For the last 2 yrs, ex has been working nearly full time in an enjoyable but low paid role; her income goes on her car, ad-hoc purchases for the kids and whatever else she decides is appropriate but not household expenses. When we moved a couple of years' ago, my understanding is that she would contribute to mortgage, utilities etc.

Ex wants to sell our current property and that we both buy slightly smaller houses in the same locality. Having scoured the property pages, I haven't found anywhere that I could afford as prices have gone up and now so are interest rates plus utility bills etc. It's started to get uncomfortable as she clearly thinks I'm being awkward about not selling but my primary concern is making sure the children have at least one stable home.

I've wracked my head round options including borrowing money from friends and family to buy her out but am now feeling resentful that I'm doing all the legwork (and increasingly DIY and housework) while she is, in my view, going out and enjoying her new freedom whilst living here for 'free' (yes, inflammatory statement but how I feel).

We've agreed to a 50:50 split of parental duties but she has refused to make this legally binding so I'm increasingly concerned she will aim for having the kids full time and therefore keep the house.

I've gone through so many options and emotions that I feel I've lost sight of what the right thing to do is. I do want to end the relationship in a fair way but I also need to rebuild my life and ensure the children have a really positive environment to grow-up in. Posting here as perhaps there are Mums & Dads who have been through similar who can tell me if I'm being sensible/pragmatic or not 😐

Can't claim UC to include the DC until she claims Child Benefit.

Presumably she is now paying for 50% of the DC costs - food, clothing etc? With the start of half term that's going to be expensive for 4.

If she has no claim on the house then she needs to find somewhere to rent asap ( maybe private renting? ). If she has a low income then she can claim Universal credit to help with the rent.

Legally she is not due half
any half decent solicitor will tell her that

tolata means she’d have to demonstrate what money she has invested into the house , it’s not like marrusge where child rearing is considered

I think she could try schedule 1 of childrens act to try to delay a sale but usually only successful if there is adequate money to do so all round - does not siubd it here. Even then I don’t think this would award her a share, just a right to live there fir a period of time but would need to demonstrate she can afford to do so or that you gave financial means to do so ( while also being able to afford elsewhere)

you need to see a solicitor pronto

Thank you - all of the advice has helped a lot. Feeling drained by the whole situation but will get through it.

Best option is to sell the house .
get legal support and follow through.
divorce is draining
mediators can cause more issues
prepare for things to go down hill before they get better do not forget that you all have to be housed
she most likely will have to rent

So you have both lived in the current house for 2 years - what were the arrangements prior to this?

And why wasn't this current house owned jointly between both of you?

Without knowing the background it's hard to answer that.

And of course there is the difference between what you would owe legally versus morally.

After an 18-year relationship & numerous children I'd say there is a moral argument.

Can I ask why you did not marry?

No one would hand over half their assets, put themselves in materiallly disadvantaged position, continue to pay for ex lifestyle when they themselves weren’t improving their position because morally that’s a nice thing to do

not saying offer nothing but, ex needs to also look to be responsible for herself more too

from a legal position starting point is 0% not 50% so even 20% would be a good place to start

@Palaver1 Yes, preparing for it to be very difficult :-(

@MoreProseccoNow Moral v legal was in part why I started the thread and @millymollymoomoo has summarised well. I don't think the history is unusual; didn't marry as not religious. Considered civil partnership but was just never a priority for either of us, in part, because until recently it didn't really help from a legal angle. Lived together in various properties, rented or owned by me (see comment above re. Ex not wanting to be on mortgage).

Without doubt I've been able to progress my career and earn more but on the flip side that was a decision we both made and we've very much shared parenting and housework. I actually wanted to split child care and both have ongoing careers. It's also meant that Ex has had more time to socialise, find a job which she really enjoys, has kept her earnings over past couple of years (she has bought things for the house and spends money on the kids but not on household bills).

I think morally you should give her something - her looking after the DC and buy stuff for the house and then for the last few years is contributing. However you aren't able to do that now and adequately house the DC so I would be doing that in the future perhaps if you bought with someone else or DC mostly move out and you can downsize or you can afford to remortgage.

At the moment you couldn't give her enough to make a difference to her housing situation.

@RandomMess Yes, agree with that. Will see if she's open to getting a decent portion of the house equity a little bit down the line

Something else to bear in mind is that if you hand her a chunk of equity, but not enough to buy herself, then they money will go jn rent and she will be entitled to no support from UC with a lump sum in the bank until it is spent. So she couldn't put it aside to buy at somepoint.

I wouldn't even make a legal agreement for a future payment due to the reasons @LittleOwl153.

It would have to be a gentleman's agreement that you intend to pay her something in the future if/when you are able to.

I'm in a vaguely similar position to you OP. It was my ex's decision to separate and he left, he's now in a precarious financial and living situation though just about able to have the dc two nights a week.

I feel morally that if he struggles and asks for my help, I will be there for him. After all we will always be family members via the dc. I've said he can come and stay in the spare room any time he needs and for as long as he needs.

The reason is because the dc would suffer if he struggled (none of this would be on offer otherwise and I certainly no longer want a romantic relationship!).

However I may feel differently if I have a new partner, and obviously we get along well.

If I had the funds I'd suggest extending the house and creating a separate but attached area for him to live, if he wanted to. Is that an option for you?

Thanks for the info @LittleOwl153 &@RandomMess - I’ll diplomatically pass it on as not convinced Ex has considered this sort of thing.

Sorry to hear you’re going through similar @Hereforweightlosshelp - it’s really not easy but sounds like you’ve kept things positive. Converting or extending the house is a good idea but suspect costs would be too much and Ex has rejected it as is set on owning her own home.

Would it make a difference if they were married and she didn’t put anything towards the mortgage?
Whilst looking after kids at home

Of course, when.married the starting point is 50/50

Why haven’t you seen a solicitor. You are not divorcing and whilst mediation is relevant for co parenting it is not an issue for assets.

Basically you need to instruct a solicitor to help you. Ideally the first action would be to get her to move out. But you have not referenced the ages of the children or relative incomes, so it is hard to tell if she could apply to live there with the children. This by the way wouldn’t change ownership.

the longer you faff about trying to make a moral offer the longer she will take advantage and continue to occupy your home.

@pineapplepickle hopefully this is sorted now 11 months later and life has moved on!

Thank you adviceseeker22

is it the same if partner’s name is not on mortgage?