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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Ex wants children more now he’s seen financial settlement offer—advice please!

33 replies

Unfortunatevents · 09/08/2022 19:33

As the title suggest… arrangements for the children have been agreed, in place and working for the last year. Ex made initial financial settlement offer with current arrangements agreed. However, after receiving my return offer he now wants to up his time with them. I do not think the two things are a coincidence. He has also asked for the additional time via email rather than through solicitors. Have other people found this and how did you respond? I don’t want them to be there more in term time as he moved an 45 minutes away and it means they would be going backwards and forwards between the two houses whereas at the moment there are blocks of overnight stays, which I think is better for consistency in routine and expectations. I am not so bothered during school hols as everything is a bit more relaxed then. Wondering how best to respond or would welcome any advice of others experience of similar….

OP posts:
Thewheelsfalloffthebus · 09/08/2022 19:36

Tell him exactly your point you’ve made here. 45 minute commute is not in the kids best interests (and potentially unrealistic if dad’s work is not in the same direction), but you’re willing to negotiate over time in holidays (when financially it might not be such a bad thing if it reduces the amount of holiday childcare/keeping tweens and teens busy with sports camps and activities you need to pay for!)

clickychicky · 09/08/2022 19:38

45 minutes is a reasonable travel time.

What pattern is he proposing? Maybe has him what contact pattern he proposes then destroy it with why it won't work.

LittleOwl153 · 09/08/2022 19:38

I'd like to think i'd respond that things are working as they are and you don't want to change things for the kids at the moment although you're happy to be more flexible in the school holidays. (All perfectly innocent...)

I'd be tempted to respond once we've sorted out the finances and things are settled we can have revisit the kids but I don't want to change things for now (with the implication that you know he is doing it for financial gain)

clickychicky · 09/08/2022 19:38

Thewheelsfalloffthebus · 09/08/2022 19:36

Tell him exactly your point you’ve made here. 45 minute commute is not in the kids best interests (and potentially unrealistic if dad’s work is not in the same direction), but you’re willing to negotiate over time in holidays (when financially it might not be such a bad thing if it reduces the amount of holiday childcare/keeping tweens and teens busy with sports camps and activities you need to pay for!)

45 minutes is perfectly reasonable. It's up to dad if it fits in with his work time.

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 09/08/2022 19:39

Courts prefer dc having blocks of time with each parent ime.
Or send a schedule example which includes clubs /parties /activities/dentist appointments /haircuts ext he would be expected to facilitate in 'his' time that the dc currently do.
A court won't expect him to but your dc might! Will he want to look the bad guy saying they can't go?

clickychicky · 09/08/2022 19:40

Sorry me again. What is the pattern at the moment? Can you work with the existing pattern eg an extra night so eg. he picks up from school on Fridays?

RandomMess · 09/08/2022 19:48

How old are the DC?

Original poster
Unfortunatevents · 09/08/2022 20:31

Thanks everyone. Children are 10 and 7. They currently have Friday-Monday every other week with their dad and the rest of the nights with me. They also see him in the week for tea at least once. He wants a Tuesday evening which would mean them coming back from him Monday morning for school, back here Monday night, back to him Tuesday then back to me Weds. like I said holidays are different but in term time it feels bitty and disruptive. Especially as the eldest is a worrier and stresses fairly easily. My view is that it has worked well so far and it’s not actually helpful to the children for it to change on that night. I also believe it is financially motivated, whereas I think him seeing them more in the holidays would have the same financial benefit to him, ie number of nights per year, which is fine as that would be a better fit for the kids.
i naïvely thought the divorce would be done and dusted in 6 months as we were relatively amicable but the standard 1-2 years is looking more likely 😕

OP posts:
perfectstorm · 09/08/2022 20:40

Unfortunatevents · 09/08/2022 20:31

Thanks everyone. Children are 10 and 7. They currently have Friday-Monday every other week with their dad and the rest of the nights with me. They also see him in the week for tea at least once. He wants a Tuesday evening which would mean them coming back from him Monday morning for school, back here Monday night, back to him Tuesday then back to me Weds. like I said holidays are different but in term time it feels bitty and disruptive. Especially as the eldest is a worrier and stresses fairly easily. My view is that it has worked well so far and it’s not actually helpful to the children for it to change on that night. I also believe it is financially motivated, whereas I think him seeing them more in the holidays would have the same financial benefit to him, ie number of nights per year, which is fine as that would be a better fit for the kids.
i naïvely thought the divorce would be done and dusted in 6 months as we were relatively amicable but the standard 1-2 years is looking more likely 😕

You could point out the extended travel time in the mornings before school, at their young age especially as they will get less sleep, isn't in their interests, and that if he sees them over the holidays for the same number of overnights he will actually see a lot more of them than he will nights and mornings in the term times so it will be better for their relationships, too.

You are being child focused and child oriented. Focusing solely on what is best for them. That will always stand you in good stead, I think.

Original poster
Unfortunatevents · 10/08/2022 07:45

perfectstorm · 09/08/2022 20:40

You could point out the extended travel time in the mornings before school, at their young age especially as they will get less sleep, isn't in their interests, and that if he sees them over the holidays for the same number of overnights he will actually see a lot more of them than he will nights and mornings in the term times so it will be better for their relationships, too.

You are being child focused and child oriented. Focusing solely on what is best for them. That will always stand you in good stead, I think.

Show quote history

Thats really helpful for phrasing my response, thank you 😊

OP posts:
Crazykatie · 10/08/2022 07:49

45 mins is OK I had to travel that long every day, you work it in with the routine don’t let that be an obstacle in an agreement.

Albgo · 10/08/2022 08:06

Could he not have them Friday to Tuesday every other week instead of Friday to Monday?

clickychicky · 10/08/2022 08:14

That's too disruptive. Consider if him sending them to school Tuesday morning would work though. So he "gets" Friday/sat/sun/Mon night. Or thurs/friday/sat/sun even.

clickychicky · 10/08/2022 08:14

And if it won't work then yes go with the points above.

Kup · 10/08/2022 08:30

I'd just add a night on to the weekend.

What's the actual travel time to school from your house and from his house.

45 mins isn't a problem. My kids have had that at times and found it a nice time to chat and relax.

OhNoWhatYouGonnaDo · 12/08/2022 19:03

Why not offer overnights on Monday nights - so on "his" weekend that'll be a block of 4 nights, so gives the stability you're looking for. On the weekend you have the kids the Monday will just be one night with him, but it'll be a good way for them to maintain contact between the alternate weekends.

45 minutes isn't awful. It's not like he'll have to wake them up at 5am to get to school! I would not veto weeknight contact because of a 45 minute commute. It's up to him how he manages it. My husband reduced his working hours and left work early two evenings a week to facilitate contact with his older children, and used breakfast clubs for drop-offs - it worked well.

I agree with PP that it may well be cost-effective for you to ask him to have 50/50 or more during school holidays, so you don't get stung having to pay for lots of holiday clubs.

Are you sure your refusal to consider this isn't, in turn, financially motivated?

LittleOwl153 · 16/08/2022 11:11

Remind him that school finishes at 3.15pm, and that if it is his night/morning he will need to cover afterschool club and breakfast club if he needs to use them. Do not suffer to collect the kids from school and be his childcare until 6/7/8pm when it's convenient to him. If it's money orientated breakfast/afterschool club fees will soon put a dent in his gains!

Original poster
Unfortunatevents · 16/08/2022 13:22

Quick update…. After replying giving my reasons why I think this is a bad idea and saying we can discuss it further I have had a response. He was not asking my opinion on the new arrangements but was telling me that this would be what is happening and that he is well within his rights to do so…. At a bit of a loss as to how to reply to this as I have always tried to make sure any issues/decisions around the children were made by both of us. Have asked my solicitor for advice. 🤷🏻‍♀️ How do you communicate with someone who is telling. you how it will be and who is going not being open to a discussion? If anyone knows please enlighten me!

OP posts:
Crazykatie · 16/08/2022 15:00

You TELL him it won’t work, during term time the kids need to be stable in their residence so they have everything in one place, clothes, school stuff, food, you sound pretty reasonable.

OhNoWhatYouGonnaDo · 16/08/2022 19:44

Neither of you has right of veto. He can't insist on his plan but you can't insist on yours. If you can't agree you need to go to mediation and if that fails or he refuses to attend you need to make an application to the court.

Womblingforfree · 16/08/2022 19:50

I would 'trial it' pre settlement and see if he caves in. (This is what our mediator asked us to do too). My ex was all for 50/50 until realising they'd be responsible for picking up from school and paying for after school club. I also pointed out that during school holidays it would be another day off too.
I've gone from 50/50 to 70/30 which I think is much better for DC as ex has a big job and can't do both well and has never been that engaged anyway.

RiverSkater · 16/08/2022 20:02

Hang on, why is his wish for more time disruptive? He could argue same surely?
He's entitled to 50/50.

Womblingforfree · 16/08/2022 20:13

RiverSkater · 16/08/2022 20:02

Hang on, why is his wish for more time disruptive? He could argue same surely?
He's entitled to 50/50.

OP Said its related to financial settlement.
50/50 reduces significantly.

perfectstorm · 16/08/2022 20:13

RiverSkater · 16/08/2022 20:02

Hang on, why is his wish for more time disruptive? He could argue same surely?
He's entitled to 50/50.

I may be misreading this, but she's not arguing the 50/50? She's asking that it be on a child-centred pattern, eg full holidays, or several days in blocks then swapping, rather than the children being pinged from house to house through the school week, when his school run is 45 minutes and the younger child is quite small.

OP he doesn't get to dictate to you. Politely suggest to him that mediation, so you can establish what is in the best interests of the children, might be a more constructive way forward than ultimatums: neither of you has a veto on child arrangements, as the other poster sensibly put it. You need to reach an agreement and then implement it, not have one parent order the other.

And no, I wouldn't agree to it on a trial basis, because there's a clear legal presumption in favour of existing arrangements and if you trial it, you have in effect agreed to the presumption being in his favour, and not yours.

perfectstorm · 16/08/2022 20:17

OP said: I think him seeing them more in the holidays would have the same financial benefit to him, ie number of nights per year, which is fine as that would be a better fit for the kids.

She's not blocking him increasing his time with the kids, she's asking that he think about what will be best for them in doing so.