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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Ex has turned son's head and son has decided to live with his dad!

44 replies

emlutomsmum · 04/08/2022 10:57

And there is nothing I can do as ds is 14!

My ex has been messing my son around (my daughters are not to bothered by my ex's games) for months now. First of all, when we split he kicked our then12 year old onto the sofa so he could have his bedroom (ex wanted to preserve his back!). I then asked him to respectfully move out as I wanted a sex life 😊(i had started dating) so my ex moved in with his girlfriend. We shared joint custody and ds and my youngest daughter (17) went to their dad's most weekends until just after last Christmas when ex decided that DS was getting under his feet and arguing too much with his girlfriends children etc etc so told me that he no longer wanted our son around and would have him as and when. My son struggled with this and since my ex has just had him on the odd occasion until schools broke the other week.

OMG - my son went to his dad's on the Friday (my son had been messing me around with regards to school so he got both barrels on the Thursday night, plus he doesn't like my boyfriend who backs me up to the hilt over son's behaviour as K has seen that boy has been running rings around me), anyway, I got a text from my son last Wednesday (obviously written by my ex) saying that he is very happy at his dads and is now living there full time. Followed by an email from my ex confirming that he is changing our son's school etc etc.

I'm still in shock, my son is now refusing to text me back when I text him or pick up my calls, and as I said, because he is 14 there is nothing I can do. My solicitor has advised me to just go with it, no matter how hard.

My solicitor has said all along that my ex wants to see me desperate, broken and ruined even though he's the one that called time on our 21 yr marriage. He wanted a slimmer, sexier wife so I decided to do it for me not him!

I know I have rambled but just wanted to get this off my chest. It's the pure nastiness of my ex that has shocked me - he's gone even further deeper than I would have ever thought.

On here, I know we all have different experiences of divorce/separation but I never expected mine to get like this.

OP posts:
bbqhulahoop · 04/08/2022 10:59

I'm sorry OP. I'd be gutted too. Based on everything you've said though, it'll be unlikely to last, so mend bridges with your son. Tell him you accept his decision and he's welcome to come home anytime and make plans to stay in touch regularly. He'll soon find the grass isn't greener

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/08/2022 10:59

I think you’re minimising the influence of your boyfriend. You blame your ex for making your son feel uncomfortable in his home but defend your boyfriend laying down the law and upsetting him.

Isaidnoalready · 04/08/2022 11:01

Contact the lea do not consent to a change in schools without your permission he can take your son he cannot take your PR

hedgehoglurker · 04/08/2022 11:09

Has your DS already started GCSE's? Has he considered that he may not get the same options in a new school?

I also agree that things sound unusual with your partner having such a strong influence in your relationship with your son. Perhaps something to think about when your child is already going through all of the hormonal changes at 14 and dealing with parents divorce and new relationships.

heavyistheheed · 04/08/2022 11:14

Ehhhh from your sons point of view you kicked his dad out so you could have your new guy round to have sex with.

I'm not saying it's that simple but from your sons POV it might be

gamerchick · 04/08/2022 11:14

I feel really sorry for your son OP. Having to put up with your bloke who doesn't have the right to reprimand him and his dad messing him about

One of the stipulations with my husband was that the kids had to like him. If one of them didn't then it would have been over.

I hope your son finds a bit of peace at his dad's but I hazard a guess he's going to feel as though he doesn't fit in anywhere.

BuddhaAtSea · 04/08/2022 11:15

OP, I was in your shoes. It was awful.
What I did was not fight it at all. What to live with your dad? off you go.
She cut all contact but I still went round theirs, about once a month. Just a quick hello, how are you doing, got her some sweets, some funky socks, didn’t push it too much, I just brazenly knocked on the door with infuriating regularity. ‘I am your mother’ type of brazenness. Just told her I love her, or that I was missing her, not expecting much in return. Went on for about a year. I thought I was going to lose my mind.
Then one day she said, casually: shall we go for a coffee? Since then, she’s been absolutely brilliant. We have a really close relationship. She’s still beating herself up for being such an idiot and tells me she loves me every day.
It’ll be ok. Big hug.

frazzledasarock · 04/08/2022 11:15

Stop messaging for a bit and step back.

as soon as your ex sees you’re not upset, your son will be kicked out again.
this isn’t a case of dad desperately wants his son this is because he wants to hurt you.

when your son is back home it might be worth looking into family therapy for you all together.

your son sounds like he’s desperate for his fathers love and attention.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 04/08/2022 11:18

He will come back I expect but this stuck out -

plus he doesn't like my boyfriend who backs me up to the hilt over son's behaviour as K has seen that boy has been running rings around me

is that your words or your boyfriend's?? Your boyfriend shouldn't be getting involved and you need to parent properly without his backing. 'that boy' is a weird way to describe your son who has been rejected by his dad and now being bullied by mum's boyfriend...

MolkosTeenageAngst · 04/08/2022 11:22

What do you mean by your son got both barrels on the Thursday before he went to his Dads? Was him going to his Dads on the Friday planned or was it a reaction to the argument? I also think we need more information about your boyfriend and what you mean when you say he backs you up ‘to the hilt.’ How long have you and your boyfriend been together, does he live with you? Why is he getting involved with your son? It all sounds like a recipe for disaster to be honest, I can understand why your son may not want to live with you anymore if you have moved in a boyfriend who is getting overly involved in parenting a teen that isn’t his, but equally it sounds like if there were issues with your DS and his Dad’s girlfriend/ kids then he probably isn’t going to be happy at his Dads for long either.

It sounds like you and your ex have only been separated about 2 years, really it sounds far too early for either of you to have partners who have met your children let alone moved in. No wonder your son doesn’t know where he wants to live or which of his parents will prioritise him. If you want your son back kicking out the boyfriend seems like a good place to start.

LunaMay · 04/08/2022 11:24

Why the hell is your boyfriend having any input into parenting your son? It's not his place to 'back you up'. No wonder he would prefer to be at his dads if he's dealing with that on top of the divorce and normal teenage angst.
Could you imagine if it was a woman backing dad 'up to the hilt' interfering with the parenting of a 'step child' to the point the child would be aware.

rogueone · 04/08/2022 11:25

Your both awful- him for prioritising his GF kids over his own and you prioritising your boyfriend, its no wonder your DS doesn't want to come back. Why are you letting your new bloke parent your DS?

It is likely your DS will return but not because he wants to, based on previous history it will be because his dad chucks him out..

GiselleRose · 04/08/2022 11:30

How long have you been with your boyfriend OP?

katieg03 · 04/08/2022 18:34

Am I picking this up right? You separated 2 years ago, both met new people, both moved in with new partners? So your kids in that short time have not only had their own family changes to deal with but expected to integrate with 2 more step families? Thats an awful lot for a child of that age, with puberty, exams and all the rest shoved at him in one go!

Frankola · 05/08/2022 20:03

I don't think this is your sons dad "turning his head". I think this is much more likely to be caused by your boyfriend

Inthesameboatatmo · 05/08/2022 20:07

Opnifninhad a boyfriend who tried to parent any one of my children he would be given short shrift and chucked out . Why are you letting your boyfriend have any input whatsoever? That really isn't good form and you only have yourself to blame for this. Teens are hard work as you well know . So why make things worse . You've not been separated long and a new man comes in and bollocks him and you wonder why he wants to live with his dad.

djdkdkddkek · 05/08/2022 20:08

Who calls their own son “that boy” whilst smugly telling us about her boyfriend disciplining her son?

fucking disgrace all round to be honest
poor boy I hope he finds some love and peace somewhere because he clearly isn’t getting it from either of his parents

Inthesameboatatmo · 05/08/2022 20:08

If I had a boyfriend ffs *

Becky6758 · 05/08/2022 20:11

Why is your boyfriend getting involved? He should be butting out… fancy calling him ‘that boy’ too. He has a name

poor kid.

FAQs · 05/08/2022 20:13

So no one is putting the poor boy as priority, poor kid, no wonder he is kicking back!

Stripedbag101 · 05/08/2022 20:23

your poor son - sounds like no one is putting him first.

in your shoes I would speak to son - say you love him and there will always be a place for him in your home.

tell him you realise your boyfriend overstepped - that he has no place interfering and trying to parent. Your wine has two parents and only those people get to boss him around and drive him bonkers😊.

talk to your boyfriend - tell him you don’t need him to back you up - you are a capable parent and it just antagonises your son when he weighs in.

hopefully the relationship will mend.

Stripedbag101 · 05/08/2022 20:23

your son not your wine 😀🤣

MeenzAmRhoi · 05/08/2022 21:16

Not surprised your son is leaving seeing as the man who's been there for 2 minutes is having a go at him? It's not his place, op. Sorry to sound harsh but a 14 year old boy is never going to respond well to a stranger who has essentially replaced his dad having a go at him. That's your and his dad's job.

DismantledKing · 05/08/2022 21:25

You’re both as bad as each other. It’s your son that I feel sorry for.

Nat6999 · 05/08/2022 21:30

My ds did the same when he was 14.5, he was back with me within a year, I got a tearful phonecard one Saturday, could I go & pick him up as his dad had thrown him out. Keep the channels of communication open, don't try to force him to choose.