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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Should I let my ex buy me out

29 replies

Luneflower · 02/08/2022 20:33

Hi - looking for some advice. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for a really long time and it has really messed me up in so many ways. I have a child and I have to see him and it's really acrimonious, partly because he denies everything he's done, partly because he's just unnecessarily unpleasant and I rise to the bait.

We have a flat together that was almost at completion stage but the buyers dropped out last minute.

We are both renting separate properties (him with a now pregnant -girlfriend he met straight after we split). We are both paying the mortgage on the flat to be sold but it is hard financially. We've reduced the sale price on the flat and are even exploring putting it back on the rental market to ease things.

We paid about £215k on it and it is now worth about £315k. There is about £92k owed on the mortgage. A relative lent £88k. I believe the relative should be paid back from any sale plus interest. Recently he's been offering to buy me out.

And although when we first split his intentions seemed to be honourable, he keeps saying I didn't contribute anything as a SAHM and keeps suggesting that I'd get a smaller and smaller split of proceeds. Our child was pretty poorly for his first 3-4 years so I do feel I did contribute (and would feel that even if he hadn't been poorly).

Can someone give me advice on what I should do? Who might give me a professional opinion please? I'm not very savvy with this kind of thing and feel really emotional about everything right now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Luneflower · 02/08/2022 20:35

*that should read that we have a child under 10 who lives with me

OP posts:
RandomMess · 02/08/2022 20:39

You did contribute by raising your DC enabling him to work so ignore him baiting you over that.

If he buys you out at 50% of your share after the relative is repaid the loan then why not? There will be savings on estate agent fees etc.

However if they are forcing you to repay all the loan from your share then no.

Is this loan in writing anywhere?

Shylo · 02/08/2022 20:40

I’m sorry you’re having to deal
with this, it’s very tough

who contributed what is irrelevant - you are not married and so this is a commercial agreement and the ownership on the deeds is what prevails. What does they deed say, is ownership 50/50?

the relatives contribution is tricky - was anything agreed when they gave you the money?

RandomMess · 02/08/2022 20:40

I am assuming you legally own the flat 50:50 so no you don't get less.

Beetle76 · 02/08/2022 20:43

Is the relative yours or his?

MintJulia · 02/08/2022 20:50

RandomMess · 02/08/2022 20:39

You did contribute by raising your DC enabling him to work so ignore him baiting you over that.

If he buys you out at 50% of your share after the relative is repaid the loan then why not? There will be savings on estate agent fees etc.

However if they are forcing you to repay all the loan from your share then no.

Is this loan in writing anywhere?

This. But you get 50%, no less.

Brented · 02/08/2022 20:51

It doesn’t really matter who the relative is, unless there was a formal agreement to pay them back. You definitely need professional advice if you don’t feel confident negotiating. Do you have sole custody? Does he pay maintenance?

millymollymoomoo · 02/08/2022 21:06

Are you married?

uf not the only relevant point is his you hold the property - joint tenants or tenants in common

if it’s joint tenants then you due 50% so you are due (sale price less mortgsge - less loan - less reasonable allowance fior selling fees ) divided in half

that’s it

uf married then you may be able to argue g higher share if lower earner and primary carer …… possibly

Original poster
Luneflower · 02/08/2022 21:09

Thanks for the replies everyone.

I don't want to be too outing. Neither party would benefit in any way from the relative via inheritance or any such like. They do need the monies too so morally the right thing is to repay the investment plus additional as the property has risen in value.
Our child doesn't stay over at his but sees their Dad a couple of days in the week. We both agreed that we would pay the relative back. We were together more than 11 years before we split.

He pays the legally minimum child maintenance and is not a high earner but his salary will continue to grow each year.

We have joint ownership of the property. We also have joint custody of our child.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 02/08/2022 21:18

if you have joint ownership you own it 50/50

Original poster
Luneflower · 02/08/2022 21:19

Sorry not drip feeding. Forgot to add, we were "married", but the ceremony is not recognised legally in the UK. However he acknowledges we were married. There was a wedding, guests, rings, vows, I was referred to in emails, etc as his wife, etc. I'm guessing as it's not legal though, I can only argue 50%?

I know I've been really stupid and not protected myself. We'd known one another for more than two decades and he wasn't always abusive, it only really started after the birth. I feel like I'm in an endless nightmare. I felt I'd turned a corner this year but his growing callousness and his girlfriend's pregnancy has really set me back.

OP posts:
Shylo · 02/08/2022 21:30

If you can agree on a fair value for the property and you get your 50% of the equity then selling to your ex may be the quickest solution - I bought my ex out of the mortgage when we separated and it was fine once we’d agreed numbers. In your situation I’d propose :

  • The property be agreed at 315,000
  • return of money to relative plus an amount equal to the percentage increase of house value since purchase - so if the house is worth circa 50% more now than when you bought it I’d pay the relative the amount loaned plus 50%, so 132,000
  • This leaves 183,000 from which you deductthe mortgage balance of 92,000 leaving 91,000 equity
  • 91,000 is then split between you equally meaning your ex pays you 46,000
millymollymoomoo · 02/08/2022 21:30

If it’s not a legal marrusge in England then it counts fir nothing so as stated his you own the property is key. Most likely a joint tenants unless you opted fort tenants in common with specific shares, means you owe 50% and they’d what due of the equity

Beetle76 · 02/08/2022 21:40

The reason I asked is that if it is your relative, and you will not have the benefit of living in the property, then 100% the relative needs to be paid back before the other financials are worked out.

If the relative is his, and your ex buys you out, perhaps the relative would want to see him stay in the property and would maybe want to continue to help him stay in the property.

If this is the case, then essentially a new agreement is in place between the relative and your ex-partner.

In your shoes I’d want to know that this debt has been repaid and a line drawn under your involvement. If the relative and your ex have any loan/investment arrangement in the future then it is only between them.

From your update it sounds more like an investment activity for the relative. A time frame for repayment and an agreed profit share should have been discussed so whatever those were, needs to be factored into the calculations.

what I would absolutely not do, is take your ex’s word that the relative does not want to be repaid at this time. Particularly if the relative is his and you won’t have much to any direct contact with that relative in the future.

Original poster
Luneflower · 02/08/2022 21:55

The relative would not want either of us to be in the property.

I think that maybe my ex (who lives in another town to the flat) would let it out as it would rent for a good price now and he could pay off the remainder of the mortgage quite soon..we had tenants in there but when we decided to sell, we didn't renew their contract so that it could be empty and uncluttered. Also the tenants didn't always grant access for viewings.

The relative does need to be paid as soon as possible due to their circumstances. We thought they would be repaid and then the sale fell through. I'm sure he has very valid reasons for wanting to buy me out which is why I posted. All I feel is suspicion that it will not be fair and emotion so I will ensure I get some professional advice and make sure everything is documented if I decide to let him buy me out.

It makes more sense than waiting for a sale and incurring costs on it. I just feel as though having been left with nothing after the relationship, it will always feel like he also got the flat too. Silly, I know.

Thanks for all the replies. I really appreciate it. Especially seeing things down in figures.

OP posts:
Mumof3confused · 03/08/2022 06:29

Shylo · 02/08/2022 21:30

If you can agree on a fair value for the property and you get your 50% of the equity then selling to your ex may be the quickest solution - I bought my ex out of the mortgage when we separated and it was fine once we’d agreed numbers. In your situation I’d propose :

  • The property be agreed at 315,000
  • return of money to relative plus an amount equal to the percentage increase of house value since purchase - so if the house is worth circa 50% more now than when you bought it I’d pay the relative the amount loaned plus 50%, so 132,000
  • This leaves 183,000 from which you deductthe mortgage balance of 92,000 leaving 91,000 equity
  • 91,000 is then split between you equally meaning your ex pays you 46,000

This is reasonable but he might claim
that reasonable selling fees if they were to sell should be deducted. Estate agents and solicitors (and don’t forget the VAT).

RandomMess · 03/08/2022 07:23

Nope if he buys you out then future sale costs are on him.

If he buys you out then neither of you pay estate agent fees.

I would get 3 quotes for a realistic sale price from estate agent fees. Decide what you think is a realistic sale price then deduct what the estate agent fees would be. That's the value of the flat.

You each have to pay your own solicitor costs.

millymollymoomoo · 03/08/2022 08:53

It’s perfectly reasonable and happens all the time ( in divorces ) that reasonable selling costs are deducted in cases where one party is buying the other out

this is standard

Pegs11 · 03/08/2022 09:35

Who contributed more is irrelevant. If that was the only factor at play, you’d get 50% each. However, a mediator (or a solicitor or a judge) will make an award based on the needs of both parties. If you have main custody of the child then clearly your needs will be greater. The mediator will look at the current financial situation of both of you. They will work out how much you need to buy a suitable property, care for your child etc, and will balance this against your respective current financial situation.

millymollymoomoo · 03/08/2022 13:26

They’re not legally married so it’s not on needs at all and there us no ‘settlement’

its I’m how they own the house! As joint owners ( if joint tenants) its 50:50 regardless of who paid in what

Pegs11 · 03/08/2022 15:16

@millymollymoomoo ah sorry, I missed the part about them not being married.

Original poster
Luneflower · 04/08/2022 08:00

Thanks for the replies everyone.

That's good to know. My ex is also now effectively invoicing me for things he paid for in the flat while I was really poorly and pregnant. At the time he said it was "our" money, as we were married and paid for a refurb of a room.
Now he wants to deduct from my share what he paid for while I was pregnant because he earned those monies before we were married and before our DC was born, so I have in no way contributed to that. Should I be paying him back for this?

OP posts:
doodlywoodlydingdong · 04/08/2022 08:04

Luneflower · 04/08/2022 08:00

Thanks for the replies everyone.

That's good to know. My ex is also now effectively invoicing me for things he paid for in the flat while I was really poorly and pregnant. At the time he said it was "our" money, as we were married and paid for a refurb of a room.
Now he wants to deduct from my share what he paid for while I was pregnant because he earned those monies before we were married and before our DC was born, so I have in no way contributed to that. Should I be paying him back for this?

NO, absolutely NOT. Do not pay him back, he's rewriting history. I hope his GF is watching this and raising how badly SHE will be treated very soon.

Quartz2208 · 04/08/2022 09:16

Are you married? You need a solicitor I think

millymollymoomoo · 04/08/2022 09:18

no

you are missing the only relevant point here

if you own the house as joint tenants you are owed 50% after deductions for mortgage, ‘Loan’ repayments, small amount for ‘selling fees’

thats it
there are no other variables

and tit for tat, invoice him for childcare fees over the sane period at £50 per day