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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Child arrangements

34 replies

Blameiton · 28/07/2022 10:40

Hi All,

I know everyone’s cases are super specific for their situation but I was wondering if people could share their experience if it’s similar to mine.

Husband has left and is now in a new flat, he hasn’t said it yet but I think he’s going to try and ask for 50/50 with our 2 year old son.

I have been a SAHM the whole time and my son and are are together 24/7.

If my husbands and mines situation was different maybe I wouldn’t mind as much but this man has never taken an interest in our son for the last two years (I have text proof to him about this asking for him to engage more, stop talking to him badly and to stop getting getting angry with him - I’ve got around 20 texts proving this)

I think he would do either to spite me or to not pay child maintenance. He moved out a month ago and so far has had him I think 7 times, six of those times his mum was looking after him too (though I know this isn’t necessarily a bad thing, she is 74 and struggles to pick up and keep up with a rambunctious and tall 2 year old boy)

I don’t want a custody battle on my hands but I think my son should be with me (even when I go back to work) and he has him every other weekend and one day in the week.

And before anyone says anything, I do think is in the best interest of my son. I’m worried about my husbands capabilities, his lack of interest in our son (since leaving this is really the first ‘quality time’ they’ve spent together). He’s also quite a lazy parent, just feeds him McDonald’s and sits him in front of the tv all day, I worry about that stuff.

Am I being crazy asking for 70/30 custody?

OP posts:
millymollymoomoo · 28/07/2022 10:46

What’s his proposal for actually looking after him?

while together as a unit his role was to work and earn, your to stay home and look after child. Now your not. Unit, your tile needs to think about earning, his about looking after his child more as thise historical roles change

wjen are you returning to work? Do you mth live near each other? Can both do nursery:child minder drops and collections etc ? Is his work flexible? Will yours be?

50:50 can work and I know of couples who started it at similar ages,
although I doubt a court at 2 would order it

Original poster
Blameiton · 28/07/2022 11:08

millymollymoomoo · 28/07/2022 10:46

What’s his proposal for actually looking after him?

while together as a unit his role was to work and earn, your to stay home and look after child. Now your not. Unit, your tile needs to think about earning, his about looking after his child more as thise historical roles change

wjen are you returning to work? Do you mth live near each other? Can both do nursery:child minder drops and collections etc ? Is his work flexible? Will yours be?

50:50 can work and I know of couples who started it at similar ages,
although I doubt a court at 2 would order it

He hasn’t said yet what his proposal is but I think that’s what he’ll go for.

I know our unit has changed and so have our roles but if someone has paid no interest in their child for two years, why would they then be given 50%? Like I said I think it would be because of spite or because of money.

I can’t just return to work just yet. I am a SAHM, my son would need full time care, I need to organise that. Need to actually apply for jobs. I need to earn a certain amount to provide for my son and I and to rent, so that limits my choices too. All pick ups and drop off would be done by me as he’s already stated he wouldn’t do them because of his work (hence why I need to find a certain job where flexibility is)

also, aside from that, my world has complete imploded on itself. Everyday is torture and I’m trying to just through mediation first. Also going through a major health scare so I can’t just drop everything to find a job right now but I’ll be looking once I have stability in my life (hopefully within the next few months)

OP posts:
HesDeadBenYouCanStopNow · 28/07/2022 11:36

If he goes for 50:50 he will 100% responsible for childcare costs, picks and drop offs during his time. That may change his mind when he realises the associated cost and complexity with his current job

HesDeadBenYouCanStopNow · 28/07/2022 11:37

And don't forget school holiday care too. Having to plan for his half of 13 weeks of holiday cover once the child's at school

Chamomileteaplease · 28/07/2022 12:17

Just wanted to say that I hope you get some good advice here as I can understand what a nightmare it must be for you to think of this uncaring man having your son 50/50.

Presumably you have considered going to a solicitor?

GlitteryGreen · 28/07/2022 12:35

What makes you think he intends to go for 50/50 OP? How could he do that if he refuses to do any drop-offs or pick-ups, it just wouldn't be possible?

For now though I'd not worry so much about when he's going to want your son, it could remain ad-hoc for a while if you've only just split up, but I'd focus on sorting out how you're going to pay your rent and stuff.

millymollymoomoo · 28/07/2022 14:00

My point was that just because he hadn’t in the past dies not mean he can’t going forward but needs to have a plan for drop offs / collections etc which he’ll be responsible for

ha e you had legal advice yet re finances ?

Original poster
Blameiton · 28/07/2022 15:53

Chamomileteaplease · 28/07/2022 12:17

Just wanted to say that I hope you get some good advice here as I can understand what a nightmare it must be for you to think of this uncaring man having your son 50/50.

Presumably you have considered going to a solicitor?

Thank you. That’s literally my point. All I’ve ever wanted was for him to have a better relationship with our son but it never happened and then as soon as he leaves, he’s all over my son and I’m questioning why?

he’s a very calculated man with a lot of money behind and he’s financially screwed me these last two years so I’m very wary now

OP posts:
Original poster
Blameiton · 28/07/2022 15:56

HesDeadBenYouCanStopNow · 28/07/2022 11:37

And don't forget school holiday care too. Having to plan for his half of 13 weeks of holiday cover once the child's at school

I don’t think he realises this about school holidays or child sickness whilst at nursery. So if he has any custody would he be responsible for any picks up and drop off or if I had 70% custody would he not have to do any only on the one day he has him?

OP posts:
millymollymoomoo · 28/07/2022 16:02

You’d each be responsible for childcare, drop offs and pick ups on your respective days hence if he did have 50:50 he’d need to be responsible for that - although could use childminder, grandparent, etc

Original poster
Blameiton · 28/07/2022 16:03

GlitteryGreen · 28/07/2022 12:35

What makes you think he intends to go for 50/50 OP? How could he do that if he refuses to do any drop-offs or pick-ups, it just wouldn't be possible?

For now though I'd not worry so much about when he's going to want your son, it could remain ad-hoc for a while if you've only just split up, but I'd focus on sorting out how you're going to pay your rent and stuff.

I just have a feeling. He’s upped seeing him every weekend and if he can’t do a weekend he sees him two days in the week. He never did that whilst we were together. He said he didn’t want to get solicitors involved (because I think he wants me submissive to his demands like always) but I went and got solicitors advice anyway and told them what he was saying and doing and they all said he’s definitely spoken to a solicitor too.

he’s paying for everything still but I have started applying for UC and want to address our finances asap in mediation. I want to get a job, I was actually quite high up before I had my baby but if I’m honest I’m at an all time low. My life has fallen apart, I don’t feel confident in myself to get a good job, I’m having a cancer scare at the moment and my marriage has ended so whilst I’d love the get out of this house and move on with my life, logistically and mentally, I’m finding it difficult

OP posts:
Original poster
Blameiton · 28/07/2022 16:07

millymollymoomoo · 28/07/2022 14:00

My point was that just because he hadn’t in the past dies not mean he can’t going forward but needs to have a plan for drop offs / collections etc which he’ll be responsible for

ha e you had legal advice yet re finances ?

I’ve spoken to 3 solicitors and got free advice from them but until we get into mediation and start discussing things I don’t want to hire one until he’s made me an offer, then I’d go off with that. Or is that the wrong way to do it? I basically have no money, only tiny amount of savings which I’m clinging on to for the inevitable solicitors bills

OP posts:
Original poster
Blameiton · 28/07/2022 16:08

millymollymoomoo · 28/07/2022 16:02

You’d each be responsible for childcare, drop offs and pick ups on your respective days hence if he did have 50:50 he’d need to be responsible for that - although could use childminder, grandparent, etc

Ah yeah, he’d have a childminder or his mum do it then which is such a cop out when our son could be with his own mother. It boils down to money. He wouldn’t want to pay me maintenance.

OP posts:
Steelesauce · 28/07/2022 16:16

50/50 would mean you can work. I'm a lone parent of 3 and I have to work full time to support them, there is no luxury of not doing so. Hes not actually asked for that however is regularly having your son which is brilliant, regardless of your thoughts on it. He would be responsible for childcare on his days and you would be on your days.

gogohmm · 28/07/2022 16:21

I know you have a health scare but you do need to return to work asap. Uc will demand you are work ready and return to work once dc is in primary school, uc pays towards childcare if you are low income. If he pays for half the child care it will really help you.

Please think long term, isn't it a good think for you ex to want to see more of his child? And 50/50 doesn't necessarily mean no child support

BigFatLiar · 28/07/2022 16:26

Using a child minder or getting his mum to help isn't a cop out it's what lots of working people do. If you're going to work you may need to do this as well.

lickenchugget · 28/07/2022 16:33

Texts from you asking him to do more won’t be seen bh the courts as proof he wasn’t any use as a father.

50/50 is fast becoming the norm, you need to get proper advice OP, and quickly. Also as PP have said, you’ll be expected to show how you can provide for your son, so start getting your ducks in a row asap.

ClocksGoingBackwards · 28/07/2022 16:39

I’ve known quite a few men that have struggled to interact with their babies and toddlers but have then gone on to be great dads to their older children once they’re past the baby stage.

He may have been a rubbish husband, but I don’t think it would be fair to write him off as an uninterested father while your child is still so young. I agree with others that you need to get a job as soon as you can. If you do end up having you son more than 50/50 your ex will have to pay child maintenance to support his son, but he has no obligation to support you. I also agree that it wouldn’t be a cop out if he has 50/50 and used a grandparent or childminder for childcare, it would be a normal responsible thing to do. You’d be busy with your own job on that days your ds was with his Dad so wouldn’t be able to have him.

underneaththeash · 28/07/2022 16:42

Remember you can often get spousal maintenance too until you get back in your feet.

lickenchugget · 28/07/2022 16:57

underneaththeash · 28/07/2022 16:42

Remember you can often get spousal maintenance too until you get back in your feet.

Rarely! And it tends to be very short-term these days, i.e. literally until you find a home, get paid and get on your feet. This is not something to be relied upon as income.

millymollymoomoo · 28/07/2022 17:10

It’s not a cop out to use child minder, or relatives or after school clubs at all
its what working people do - and you’ll be one at some point having to use this too….

the key point is that he’s responsible for it during his time

RedWingBoots · 28/07/2022 17:14

Ah yeah, he’d have a childminder or his mum do it then which is such a cop out when our son could be with his own mother.

No it isn't a cop out. Your son will get either good care from another relation, or good care from registered professional and have other children to play with. Your son is getting to the point where his world needs to expand to be more than just his immediate family.

The only thing I would say is do not let your ex have your joint child every weekend as you will be screwed when your child goes to school. Make your ex have him for 48 hours in the week and try and make it the same two days so your son knows what is happening. (Obviously you both will need to know it as well.)

That way you can have 48 hours where you can work without having the responsibility of caring for a child unless it is an emergency e.g. hospital one where he needs both parents.

Do not sign any childcare agreements for those 48 hours. They are his father's responsibility alone. If you need child care choose a different provider for your days. So if your ex uses a childminder then you use a nursery for your days, or vice versa. That way the provider should not phone you first on those days if your child throws up, has the shits, or whatever minor illness children get. (In fact if the childcare provider phones you shout at them down the phone to phone your ex.)

It boils down to money. He wouldn’t want to pay me maintenance.

Even if you have your son 50/50, if he earns a lot more than you he will still have to pay you child maintenance.

Original poster
Blameiton · 28/07/2022 18:08

wow, thanks for everyone jumping on me about saying ‘it’s a cop out’. It is a cop out, for us and our situation (not for the everyone else’s situation, sweet Lord didn’t know Id have to disclose that’ as he still wouldn’t be the one looking after his child and it wouldn’t be ‘good childcare’ if his 74 year old mum is looking after him as she’s admitted she can’t pick him up or keep up with him. They both feed him bad food and don’t do anything with him, hardly top notch care, especially, as i tried to point out, I’d be available to give him the care he’s used to

having a relationship with his father is all I’ve ever wanted for my son and ex husband and somehow I’m the weirdo women who thinks it’s now odd that he’s suddenly taken an interest in our child when money is involved.

also, being told you have tumours and need biopsies in the same week your husband asked for a divorce is pretty f**king brutal and the fact people are like ‘yeah, just get back to work though’ is callous.

like I’ve said, I just wanted peoples examples of their situations not to be torn a new one.

I’ve also said I will go back to work but hell, you’d think I hadn’t even written that.

wasn’t looking for sympathy just literally examples of peoples situations but my god, literally got none of that and just snide comment.

OP posts:
Original poster
Blameiton · 28/07/2022 18:14

ClocksGoingBackwards · 28/07/2022 16:39

I’ve known quite a few men that have struggled to interact with their babies and toddlers but have then gone on to be great dads to their older children once they’re past the baby stage.

He may have been a rubbish husband, but I don’t think it would be fair to write him off as an uninterested father while your child is still so young. I agree with others that you need to get a job as soon as you can. If you do end up having you son more than 50/50 your ex will have to pay child maintenance to support his son, but he has no obligation to support you. I also agree that it wouldn’t be a cop out if he has 50/50 and used a grandparent or childminder for childcare, it would be a normal responsible thing to do. You’d be busy with your own job on that days your ds was with his Dad so wouldn’t be able to have him.

Maybe I had the bar set quite high then. Taking interest and wanting to spend time with the baby he begged me for just seemed like a given but apparently we as women should just let men not be interested in their young children until they become what? More fun? Less hard work? Move out? Is this where we are a society? It seems very 1940’s

OP posts:
lickenchugget · 28/07/2022 18:55

OP, people are just giving you advice, which it seemed you were looking for. I’m sorry you are having a tough time health wise and wish you a quick recovery.

Ultimately though, you cannot unilaterally decide that your child is better off with you, even if you believe it in your bones, and I think most posters have just tried to help you be prepared.