Child arrangements

[Blameiton]

Hi All,

I know everyone’s cases are super specific for their situation but I was wondering if people could share their experience if it’s similar to mine.

Husband has left and is now in a new flat, he hasn’t said it yet but I think he’s going to try and ask for 50/50 with our 2 year old son.

I have been a SAHM the whole time and my son and are are together 24/7.

If my husbands and mines situation was different maybe I wouldn’t mind as much but this man has never taken an interest in our son for the last two years (I have text proof to him about this asking for him to engage more, stop talking to him badly and to stop getting getting angry with him - I’ve got around 20 texts proving this)

I think he would do either to spite me or to not pay child maintenance. He moved out a month ago and so far has had him I think 7 times, six of those times his mum was looking after him too (though I know this isn’t necessarily a bad thing, she is 74 and struggles to pick up and keep up with a rambunctious and tall 2 year old boy)

I don’t want a custody battle on my hands but I think my son should be with me (even when I go back to work) and he has him every other weekend and one day in the week.

And before anyone says anything, I do think is in the best interest of my son. I’m worried about my husbands capabilities, his lack of interest in our son (since leaving this is really the first ‘quality time’ they’ve spent together). He’s also quite a lazy parent, just feeds him McDonald’s and sits him in front of the tv all day, I worry about that stuff.

Am I being crazy asking for 70/30 custody?

I asked for examples for similar situations, that was my request, not what has been posted. I know my son is better off with me as he’s only had me the last two years and my husband hasn’t taken a single bit of interest.

like I said, if we were splitting up and my husband had been hands on or nice to our son, I wouldn’t be asking questions but I’m absolutely shocked people think 50/50 is all good because he ejaculated two years ago so I should just hand my son over to him?. Mind boggling

He’s not your son op
hes yours exes too. Whether you like they or not

no one is saying it’s not hard. No one is saying it’s not a shock for you. No one is saying things have to be immediate.

but your husband could well get 50:50 or close to it ( although possibly not just yet)
many parents do this - sometimes it works sometimes not
but you won’t get to dictate I’m afraud so you need to be prepared for that

sorry about your health too

I think you also wanted everyone to say you are right, they he’s being unreasonable and outrageous

but he’s not ( IF he can actually commit to it)’

I completely get why you feel the way you do OP, I'd be annoyed too if my ex went for 50/50 with no intention of being around to actually facilitate it himself and I was available to actually have our child myself and had been caring for him full-time for his whole life until now.

However, things do change when people separate - they have to - and you often see a parent who was not as involved before stepping up as they worry about their relationship with the child and want to secure time together. I think it feels very different when you're facing the reality of not living under the same roof as your child.

I think also what people are trying to say re working is not that you should push yourself before you're ready, especially with your current health worries, but just that realistically down the line you also will not be as available as you are now to facilitate looking after your son the majority of the time.

As hard as it is, by the sounds of it you're highly unlikely to receive any financial support from your ex over and above what he has to pay as minimum CM, so you might find that him having your son for a few more days (even if he is relying on his mum or a childminder for pick-ups) is actually helpful in opening up more job options for you when the time is right.

OP with your current stance you will get a custody battle and your child's father, if he has money, will end up getting the contact he wants. Due to your stance there will be no flexibility.

That's why your best bet is trying to convince your child's father by guiding him "with honey", to have your son in a way that is the best for you in the long term if your child's father is going to stick around. That's why I suggested getting your child's father to have him in the working week and not every single weekend.

The Family Court doesn't care if your child's father feeds him McD and lets him watch TV or his mother can't pick the child up as they regard things like that as a "difference in parenting opinion". Also if you bring things like that up then it will be used against you.

My ex is the same type of person. He (along with his mother) tried to tell me he’ll go for fully custody and that he’ll win bc st the time I didn’t have a job, we live like 5 hrs apart as he moved to wales to his parents and me stsying in England and boy did he want 50/50 at some point so due to it not being the right thing, I’ve gotten a solicitor involved (women center recommended) and she’s writing up agreements, and via email my ex is being super spiteful and wants things that ONLY benefit him, and so far there hasn’t been any agreement set but you can get a solicitor and that doesn’t necessarily mean going through court. So far we hadn’t gone either as it hasn’t gotten to that point and it’s worth a try w a solicitor, even mediation didn’t help which u could also try. If you happen to be on low income you can contact women Center and let them know u are and they should have a solicitor who could help u recommend one thats “cheaper”. Hope it helps

What do u mean “it will be used against you” in what way?

I am curious about your comment about "difference in parenting opinion" and "it will be used against you". How can pointing out that you've been the more attentive parent be used against you? Will the courts really think that TV and McD is just a different parenting style which is just as good as any other? You may be right, but I find this shocking.

Pointing out DC has not been cared for by his father previous to this could be a valid argument for starting slowly with contact and increasing it over time as he gets to know his father better. Not necessarily a valid argument for only EOW and an overnight long term

Saying he will get too much McD and watch too much TV will undermine any parenting concerns OP puts forward that the court might listen to. The court isn't going to rule on things like that. There are parents who both parent like that, could you imagine the uproar if SS took children away for this? It is good enough parenting, the court has no interest in it beyond that, the minimum standard is pretty low. None of that is an argument fit to put forward in court.