Clueless about divorce

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Could anybody advise on a step by step process of getting a divorce. Can I do it online and just get a solicitor for the financial aspect??

I have been married for 14 years, we have one dd aged 10. The thing is everything is in his name. He owned the house before we got together., but has since paid off the mortgage (with a lump sum from savings in his name). Would I be entitled to 50/50??

He had been financially and verbally abusive for most of the marriage and is a very abusive alcoholic. Unfortunately I have never got the police involved so wouldn't be entitled to legal aid 😕

Get yourself an initial advice session with a family law solicitor. I was lucky to get two hours with £90 (subsequent sessions £240+vat/hr).

A lot of it depends on who your child will live with, your ages, jobs, mortgage capacity etc.

Both of your needs trumps what he owned proper to marriage and if your child stays mostly with you, you could be entitled to more than 50% but it does depend on so many factors.

I'm a support worker on minimum wage, dh has a big job and I facilitated this by being a sahm for about 4 years and then taking a job with very flexible hours so that I could be there for dd (10) when he was away with work.

I have been the primary carer for dd and pay for absolutely everything for her and some of the bills. He pays the majority of the bills as he is a high earner.

I would imagine dd will primarily live with me. With dh having her a couple of nights a week.

I am aged 50 and dh is 49

Try contacting Vanderpump and Sykes for an initial session, that’s who I had the discounted initial with and the advice was good. Get everything ready and find out as much info as you possibly can about both of your income, pensions, investments, debts etc and go through it with them.

Ring around to get a free first chat with a family solicitor.
Have you got your own bank account with your wage and child benefit paid into it ?
Do you both have a private pension ?

Do you have any joint accounts or joint savings ?

No, we have never had a joint bank account, he has always made sure my name is on nothing. He has a large pension mine is a basic stakeholder pension through my job which is about 7 years old.

I have no idea about his finances, but do know he hoards money.

Ps I do know he has 2k plus in savings, plus the house in his name is worth about £300k plus

You’d be entitled to a fair share of marital assets, which could me more or less than 50%

If he’s cagey about money I’d not be giving him any clue about this. I’d see the solicitor secretly, then hit him with it.

The government website does a reasonable job -- www.gov.uk/divorce

Divorce is 3 things - legal stuff to end a marriage; arrangements for children; division of money.

You'd certainly be entitled to have enough of the resources to be able to house yourself and children whilst they are of dependent age. And, many cases these days do seem to go 50/50 irrespective of who was the original owner.

As @waterSpider has said, divorce is basically about three things. The legal ending of the marriage (degree nisi and degree absolute); child arrangements and financial arrangements. Child arrangements and financial arrangements really need to be done together to work out what's fair.

I don't know much about the legal side but from my own divorce I know there are some things that would make the process easier. Unfortunately you're a bit in the dark about your husband's finances which makes it harder to do but I would recommend steps in the following order:

1. Figure out what you need to house yourself and the children both short and long term. There are variables to think about such as:

• How long each of you will have the children each week, which will affect how many hours you can work (you and he will be expected to maximise your earning capacity but that won't necessarily mean either of you working full time until your children are in secondary education depending on who needs to be available for childcare and when);
• How much you are capable of earning now, in the medium term and the long term (for example you might be able to work 20 hours when they're in primary school, full time in secondary and progress in your career and have promotions and increases in earnings over the longer term);
• What benefits and other sources of income you will receive, including potentially child maintenance if the split of child care is not 50/50.

2) Figure out what he will need, for example he will need to be able to house himself etc. See if it's possible. If it's not, you will have to think about where you would be prepared to compromise.

3. Have an initial free consultation with three solicitors. Having researched point 1 and 2 will allow you to get the most of the free 30 minute sessions. If they are good (i.e. members of Resolution) they will also manage your expectations (upwards or downwards) on what is realistic;

4. Go to a financial advisor armed with this knowledge and talk through the potential settlement. Sometimes people want something that is not in their long term interests, such as a Mesher Order (which is often better left as a last resort as it can leave the RP poorer in the end) or all of the equity and none of the pension (which will catch up on them at retirement). A financial advisor will help you not be too short term in your thinking. They'll also be able to advise you on suitable mortgages;

5. Armed with all this knowledge, tell your husband you want a divorce but DON'T tell him what you want. Leave him to make the first move, he might make you a better offer! And you'll ensure he gives away his position before you do.

6. Appoint the solicitor you liked best from the free consultations. I think at this point you might request a form E or something like that so everyone knows the financial picture (he might lie, but only you really know him well enough as to whether he would do that). Then ideally wait for him to make the first offer but if you're waiting too long your solicitor should be able to work through things tactically, starting higher and then moving towards the position you are happy with. Don't let her be too extreme though (e.g. asking for the whole house). If your solicitor is too aggressive it could make the divorce more antagonistic (and therefore more expensive) than it needs to be.

Betterfuture thank you, that's really helpful. Realistically we have enough between us for us both to be housed.

My dh is obsessive about money though so I'm not sure he would see it that way

To a large extent that is his problem. Let him own his anger and frustration if that is what he wants. You don’t need to feel guilty or upset for him. He’s abusive and will be no matter what you do. For that reason do what you need to do.

The fact that you haven’t reported abuse in the past doesn’t mean you cannot bring it up now. This is important. If he is true to form he will continue to be verbally abusive now and in the future. Which you should report and use against him. If he has any sense that threat will be enough to make him stop.

The amount of equity in the home is good enough to indicate a 50:50 split since you only have one child. It’s a lot of money at 50% so don’t worry about people who claim to have gotten a better deal of 80%. In value terms that might be less than £100k.

The pension is likely to be main issue. Take good advice on whether you should trade a share of pension for more equity. It’s probably better to live well in a small home in retirement than to be miserable in a big house. Plus you don’t have a lot of time to accrue a comfortable pension. Just my penny worth.

As @LemonTT says that is his problem. It might delay the process but however it's resolved - by mediation or the court - you'll only get less than what's fair if you give up. That doesn't mean common sense shouldn't prevail when you're arguing over the last £10k and court is going to cost £20k but more to say don't let him bully you.

Also, it sounds like he's been financially abusive so he should be motivated to settle fairly out of court.

Thank you, I've just been reading through the messages and there's some really helpful advice.

Just a few thinks to correct from my typo's

He has around 200k + in savings completely in his name.

The house is owned outright, he had owned the house about 3 years before we got married and has since paid off the mortgage during the time we've been married.

He's always been obsessively tight, making sure my name is on nothing, I've often been quite hard up while he hoards money due to the fact I have completely supported our daughter from birth. I mean everything, cloths, clubs, trips out, childcare costs, Christmas, birthdays, absolutely everything you can think of.

Hi op
fpr me 3 sources gave me the information I need3d to complete a divorce quickly, cheaply and amicably

1. (as other posters have said) start with the uk Gov divorce site. It walks you though the process and it provides all the documents you will need. You can print those out and start to pull the information you’ll need together.
2. Advice Now guides. Go to their site on line and their divorce section. Advice now produce guide to all sorts of legal processes to demystify it and tell you exactly when you must use solicitor, where you might, and where you don’t need one. Each guide cost £20 to download but bear in mind a solicitor will cost you £200 ish per hour. So they are a bargin. These guides walk through the various processes step by step, there are diagrams, case study examples and helpfully they also provide links to solicitors who are agreeing to do specific tasks required for fixed fees. These guides are created by members of the legal profession in uk so they are accurate and up to date.
3. Mediate site. Again google. Mediate now provide the services for the mandatory mediation now required if you cannot agree between you. There is loads of information and worked examples on their site too. Advice now is better imho but this site is good as well

id say don’t go to solicitor until you’ve read up yourself. Then you can go with the specific questions or issues you have, or better still just go for specific tasks you need. If you go to “chat” or get general advice then this will cost you for every minute you are sat there trying to get your head in gear or rambling. Don’t do that. Only go to solicitor with prepared questions or tasks where you’ve prepared the background information already.

you do not need a solitaire at all now for your divorce petition. The law changes in April were designed to simplify the petition process and specifically allow people to divorce without a solicitor. You can only divorce under no blame now .

you will need a solicitor to draw up a “consent order” in legal speak at the very least if you and ex can agree on finances. That should not cost more than around £400-600 if you’ve both done all the homework in preparing your form E and D81. If you can’t agree and go to mediation to sort it out cost will start to ratchet up rapidly. The process will also be longer. Remember it will cost you both £200 ish per hour for every second you are with a solicitor. If you end up having to go all the way to the court to decide then you are throwing away a massive amount of money. Pay particularly attenddtion to the 10 or so criteria the courts use to “seal” a financial order to ensure it is “fair”. Contrary to popular belief this is not a starting point of 50:50. The 10 or so criteria apply first. Only if there is enough money to give fair settlement to both parties, does the 50:50 come 8w to play. Both Mediate and Advice Now will walk you through those 10 or so criteria so that you can understand how they will apply to your own situation

itntook me about 3 days work to read all the stuff and get my head around it and the process I’d use. Best 3 days I spent in whole process.

the 10 or so criteria are in section 25 of martrimonial act 1973

www.legislation.gov.uk/ukpga/1973/18/section/25

Thank you headbandheart that's really useful information

Divorce starts on the basis of needs unless the marriage was a 'short' one. A marriage with children is never treated as a 'short' one.

So what he owned before might become relevant once your needs are met, but not before that.

It's worth saying that when you're married your finances are treated as joint even if you don't share bank accounts etc. So while you might consider that 'your' salary has paid for your DD and 'his salary' has paid for the house and bills - the law considers both incomes as joint incomes during the marriage so half of what you earnt during the marriage was his, and half of what he earnt was yours. It took me a long time to get my head round that.
So he didn't pay the house off using 'his' savings - it was your joint savings - even if he denied you access to it.
If you're not on the house deeds you need to get on there ASAP - your solicitor can tell you how to do that and how to make sure that he can't sell the house.
You are entitled to half of what was earnt during the marriage - remember it was all joint - not his and yours.
As the lower earner, and if you are going to be having DD more than him you should get greater than 50%, PLUS child maintenance, PLUS a share of his pension.

I'm looking for advice. Married nearly 20 years. Emotionally abusive relationship (although he would say otherwise). Haven't worked in over 15 years, need to get leave and start again. But have no idea how to do this? I haven't the confidence to apply for a job, let alone get through interview stage (husband has destroyed any confidence I had) suffering from anxiety for over 10 years! But I need to get out! I have been a housewife and mother for so long, I'm not sure I can do anything else. Tested the water the other day (talking about a friends divorce and how her husband is being difficult). Response was that he would be even more difficult. I'm so miserable, terrible environment for children, but not sure what to do. How do I do this simply? He's earned all the money, whilst I've been at home. Just don't know where to start. But can't go on any longer.

Google divorce solicitors near you. Book free appointments with 5+ of them... talk to each of them about your situation. Use that to gather lots of information, and to understand your rights and the process.

Make plans... literally consider the moves like chess... then go for it... work out what you want to achieve in the short, medium and long term...

Oh, and find better friends!

Hi everyone.
I did online divorce application through gov.uk coming up to nearly 4 weeks ago. I’ve still not heard anything as yet.
Husband has received no papers. And on the online application with my reference number it just says application submitted.
Does anyone know how long it actually takes for them to process your application.
I understand they are busy but it’s so frustrating waiting.
Thanks for any help on this

It took them 2 weeks to accept our application iirr

I agree with what others are saying, definitely have a look around to get advice from a solicitor, there are lots who will give an hours free advice, or a fixed fee appointment. The starting point is always 50:50 for division of assets, but the court will look at your needs and the needs of your children to make sure it’s fair. Even if you haven’t actually gone ‘out’ to work, you have done everything for your home and children, that is a huge job in itself and the courts will recognise this. I gave up a well paid job and took a local part time position in education so I could always do the school runs and be there with the children during the holidays. My stbxh was always undermining me saying, why don’t you get a ‘proper’ job!!!

I lived with an emotional abuser for over 25 years - people ask why did you put up with it, I have no answer, but unless you’re in that situation you can’t ever understand.

I actually wish I’d got out sooner, but I waited until my children were finished Uni and only now we are in the throes of a divorce. I am now 60, he is 4 years younger, I have a chronic illness which prevents me from working more than 30 hours a week as I suffer from extreme fatigue which comes from the illness itself and the heavy medication. My stbxh is a high earner (6 figures) and he has also bought a new property, I am in a part time low earning job paying all my own bills. I am looking for over 50% of assets to enable me to buy a property outright as I won’t get a mortgage at my age plus my health condition, he wants to give me less than 50% of our house and no more 🤷‍♀️ I have a budget for my legal fees and can’t afford to go over that, so should I have to go to a financial hearing or final hearing I will have to represent myself, not tempting, but I know I can do it.

Please have a look on line and get some financial advice before you actually instruct a solicitor, get yourself as much knowledge as you can so when you bring proceedings you know exactly how the process works. I’ve got a large file already and I write absolutely everything down so I’m not blindsided.

I hope everything goes well for you.