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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Advice needed please: dealing with awful selfish ex

51 replies

Mumof1boy1girl · 12/07/2022 06:59

My daughters dad and I split up over 10 years ago and to say it’s been hard work dealing with him is an understatement. I am literally counting down the days until he has no control over me.
In the last couple of months we have had a break down in communication as he refuses to help pay for my daughter school bus which costs me £800 and he refuses point black to help me pay for this,he pays me £136 a month for maintenance (pathetic I know). So he has stuck my daughter right in the middle. Next thing I know he is taking me to court for her passport to go on holiday, which is fine it’s not the first time. I have received details of the holiday and it’s £1400 per person for the holiday thats for him,his gf, her child, my child and his other child from prev marriage so I’m total it will cost £6700. This was only booked last month. So my question or advice I am looking from really is how can I get him to help pay for her school bus and general upbringing if he has this kind of money knocking around? Thanks in advance 😘

OP posts:
TooHotToTangoToo · 12/07/2022 07:19

You have my sympathies op, my ex was like this, I asked him to pay for a school blazer for my dd and he refused, next day he's telling me about a new set of wheels and tyre he'd just bought for his van. This was a regular thing

All I'd say is make sure you go via cms for his maint. I didn't until after about 6 years, I found out he was woefully under paying me so the cms sorted that out for me.

Can you pay for the bus in instalments, my dds school would let us do this as it was a hefty amount to shell out.

My dd is now old enough that these things aren't an issue any longer and it's absolute bliss tbh. Hang in there

SD1978 · 12/07/2022 07:27

Simply- you can't. What is the rationale for withholding the passport and forcing it to go to court? He pays the (pathetic) mandated amount of child support. You could try to go back to court to have the amount increased to cover other expenses. Why do you have to pay £800 for a bus? You also lose some validity with the court system if you're withholding the passport though juts because you can. If he's taking all those people, it sounds like they plan on returning to the UK after the holiday, so why would you say no?

Original poster
Mumof1boy1girl · 12/07/2022 07:30

Hi! Thanks for your reply! For years he has been paying me £120 so recently I decided to go to CMS and it’s increased to a whooping £136, basically she has a child and he pays for his other child with ex wife who’s 17. I dare say he’s hiding finances though, I know he works for cash in hand extra jobs on the side. Thankfully the way school does it is in instalments and I have just about done it with working 2 extra overtime shifts (I work on emergency ambulance) extremely tiring to pay for her school bus, there is him 9-5 paying very little to his child but then going on a holiday costing that much, it’s a joke, I could never afford that! X

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumof1boy1girl · 12/07/2022 07:35

Hi, thanks for your reply. Sorry if I didn’t make it clear but I didn’t know about the holiday, he booked it without asking and next I know I am getting taken to court for the passport. Spoke to CAFCAS yesterday, she was lovely, really sympathetic, she said I should take the passport round, which I am fine to do as I have never had a problem with, he didn’t ask me for it. So I am going to do that, he will look an idiot in court.
the £800 for school bus is she goes to a school that isn’t in our council remit. I live in lancs and it’s in Cumbria. It was his choice as his other daughter was there. He had brainwashed my Daughter to go to this school. We had hoped on another but she didn’t try on the admission test. So it’s been me paying every year for the bus. I have mentioned to my daughter that she might have to change schools as I can’t afford it, but you can imagine how that’s going down! X

OP posts:
millymollymoomoo · 12/07/2022 09:02

You cant
its shit but if he pays what’s he’s legally due via cms that’s his financial obligation. Even if a pittance
unless you can prove fiddling system in any way
And your dd is old enough to know that her dad refuses to pay anything for the bus

Original poster
Mumof1boy1girl · 12/07/2022 09:28

Yes she’s 13 almost 14. I hate involving her in anything though, it’s adult things that should be sorted through adults. I will obviously bring it up in court and see what they say. At the end of the day it’s for her education and the school bus isn’t something that gets taken into consideration by CMS. I will keep this post updated though as I would hate for someone else have to struggle like me, I have even considered having my daughter live with him and he can pay for everything but she doesn’t want to. The hardest of hard situation with no help from anywhere

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumof1boy1girl · 12/07/2022 09:31

I should also point out this fee isn’t just for regular every day bus it’s for a dedicated bus/coach for her school, it’s 40 mins from my home and I have no way of getting her there

OP posts:
Pleaseletmeconfirm · 12/07/2022 09:43

Spoke to CAFCAS yesterday, she was lovely, really sympathetic, she said I should take the passport round, which I am fine to do as I have never had a problem with, he didn’t ask me for it. So I am going to do that, he will look an idiot in court

I don't understand why you spoke to cat as and are still going to court if you are happy to give the passport to your ex. That seems like a massive waste of everyone's time? Am I missing something?
He sounds awful. I guess you have checked to see if the school offers any discounts or subsidies to parents who are struggling?

Original poster
Mumof1boy1girl · 12/07/2022 10:17

Hi, yes I am not entitled to any help as she attends a school that isn’t within our council. So the lady from CAFCAS is doing her report and I should get it today and she gives it to the court also. I don’t understand why he has decided to pay £215 to take me to court for the passport in the first place instead of asking me. Must have money to throw away but just no money to fund his child’s school bus. Stressful. Also I am on shift when the court date is so I have been trying to get this changed which is just adding increased stress. He is awful, I shouldn’t wish my daughters life away but I can’t wait till I don’t have to have any dealing with him x

OP posts:
LemonTT · 12/07/2022 13:27

I’m still not getting why court wasn’t avoided if you agreed to hand over the passport? How has it got this far? Have you agreed your daughter can go out of the country as well?

Has he ever paid the £800 for the bus?

Because if he gave you £120 pm plus the £800 per year that was much better than the £136 CMS calculation.

What is driving a pointless and costly escalation for both of you.

DenholmElliot1 · 12/07/2022 13:29

The reason why he's taking you to court for the passport is because you wouldn't hand it over the last time he asked and he had to take you to court!

Isaidnoalready · 12/07/2022 13:33

DenholmElliot1 · 12/07/2022 13:29

The reason why he's taking you to court for the passport is because you wouldn't hand it over the last time he asked and he had to take you to court!

She just said he didn't ask?

DenholmElliot1 · 12/07/2022 13:37

I'm talking about the time before this time. Have you read the OP?

RandomMess · 12/07/2022 13:55

If he works cash in hand report him to HMRC that his lifestyle doesn't reflect his declared income 🤷🏽‍♀️

Isaidnoalready · 12/07/2022 14:07

DenholmElliot1 · 12/07/2022 13:37

I'm talking about the time before this time. Have you read the OP?

She says he is taking her to court over the passport "not for the first time" not that she refused to hand over the passport ever, he could just be a litigious asshole

BetterFuture1985 · 12/07/2022 14:32

Do you want the question answered legally or morally? The legal answer you've already had. The CMS has assessed his contribution at £136 a month which would suggest his salary per annum is around £16k. It seems an awfully convenient amount for someone who doesn't like paying tax but you would have to prove he was working cash in hand.

Unfortunately though I doubt you have a case morally as to the bus fare unless there is a key piece of information missing. From what I've gleaned here your daughter is 14, you've been separated for 10 years and I will infer from the fact that she is taking the bus from your house rather than his and you hold the passport that you are the resident parent. Taking all that into account presumably you chose 1) where you live and 2) where she went to school. If there is an £800 commuting bill arising from choices made by you, I think it's quite reasonable for him to think that's your problem, not his.

More generally, as to whether you should have more child maintenance. Potentially you have a moral case there if indeed he is working cash in hand. However, you cannot necessarily infer that he paid for the holiday. There is every possibility - without further evidence - that his partner paid (either through income or some other means), in which case you should be grateful for her taking your daughter at her expense.

As to the passport, you have no reason to withhold it.

Original poster
Mumof1boy1girl · 12/07/2022 15:32

He didn’t ask me for her passport or if it was ok to take her abroad, the first I knew was when I get court papers through the post. No he has never paid anything towards her school/trips or bus. All he pays is £136 a month and has her every other wknd!

OP posts:
Isaidnoalready · 12/07/2022 15:36

Can you move closer to her school? Or just move schools £800 a year is atrocious I pay less than £400 and he can use it on regular buses too

Original poster
Mumof1boy1girl · 12/07/2022 15:37

Hi, I am not sure why anyone thinks I am with holding a passport. I didn’t know about the holiday until I got court papers.
secondly the school he chose as his other daughter attends there although she only has a year or so left. He brain washed my daughter into that being the only school she wanted to go to. Also he earns £32k a year plus extras he gets for cash in hand. I came to this site for help/advice sue to him not helping to und what I class as school fees, school fees aren’t taken into consideration with CSA. I feel like apart from a couple of comments I am being made to be in the wrong as I am not a mind reader….. baffling me!

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumof1boy1girl · 12/07/2022 15:39

I can’t move closer to her school unfortunately and I have mentioned to her about changing schools but then I am being made out to be the bad one. So basically either I keep banging school fees on a CC and she’s happy or I take her out of that school and end up with a miserable kid who will hate me. I can’t win! Meanwhile he goes on luxury holidays and pays minimum. Disgusting

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumof1boy1girl · 12/07/2022 15:42

Actually the time before was because he booked a holiday to the same place I was going on holiday and took me to court for the passport. I offered to share one week with him and one week with me, he refused….. went to court…. Guess what they decided….. what I suggested! So don’t presume I am the hard work parent here as I am not!

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumof1boy1girl · 12/07/2022 15:43

You are 100% right there!

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumof1boy1girl · 12/07/2022 15:46

I am defo going to do this. He pleads poverty but is going on a hol that expensive. It’s only been booked since June. 5 star hotel in turkey with water park and spa roughly around £1400 per person. Something doesn’t add up!

OP posts:
GetThatHelmetOn · 12/07/2022 15:47

I would have loved to keep DS in private school, maintaining the amazing holidays and lovely weekends.

DS just needed to adapt to the new circumstances, we learnt to live with our new means and we were fine, we still had lovely weekends and amazing holidays but for a much cheaper price. There’s no way I could have managed to keep him with his friends at a cost you are paying op, she will make new friends wherever she goes. I was always honest with DS, he knew I was not taking decisions out of being mean but out of need.

As for the holiday… I would let her go, I can assure you that forbidding the trip is not to get you a penny more and will cost quite a good amount more in solicitors fees.

GetThatHelmetOn · 12/07/2022 15:53

Mumof1boy1girl · 12/07/2022 15:46

I am defo going to do this. He pleads poverty but is going on a hol that expensive. It’s only been booked since June. 5 star hotel in turkey with water park and spa roughly around £1400 per person. Something doesn’t add up!

Are you sure he is paying that much? I have been to 5 star hotels with TravelZoo paying £350pp where other guests were paying three times as much for the same service.

just saying…

now, if it helps, the way I got the CMS interested in questioning his self employed earnings was by sending them a printout of the rental advert of his home, which obviously couldn’t be covered with the income he was declaring but, even when I got the amount increased he really didn’t pay the percentage law requested ever.