Advice needed please: dealing with awful selfish ex

[Mumof1boy1girl]

My daughters dad and I split up over 10 years ago and to say it’s been hard work dealing with him is an understatement. I am literally counting down the days until he has no control over me.
In the last couple of months we have had a break down in communication as he refuses to help pay for my daughter school bus which costs me £800 and he refuses point black to help me pay for this,he pays me £136 a month for maintenance (pathetic I know). So he has stuck my daughter right in the middle. Next thing I know he is taking me to court for her passport to go on holiday, which is fine it’s not the first time. I have received details of the holiday and it’s £1400 per person for the holiday thats for him,his gf, her child, my child and his other child from prev marriage so I’m total it will cost £6700. This was only booked last month. So my question or advice I am looking from really is how can I get him to help pay for her school bus and general upbringing if he has this kind of money knocking around? Thanks in advance 😘

Courts have nothing to.do with child maintenance unless.he is a very high earner. 156k per year.

I came to this site for help/advice sue to him not helping to und what I class as school fees, school fees aren’t taken into consideration with CSA. I feel like apart from a couple of comments I am being made to be in the wrong as I am not a mind reader….. baffling me!

@Mumof1boy1girl

Well, when you come to an open forum asking for advice, you might be surprised by what you receive. The quality of what you will receive on any forum will vary, especially when it comes to divorce because everyone else here will start equating your situation with their own and make moral rather than legal judgments on what should happen. The purpose of my post was largely to say legally you've got very few options and morally that's probably okay because it's your choice as the resident parent to live 40 minutes away from your child's school, not his. His encouragement to her to go to that school does cloud things somewhat but ultimately you had a choice and made that choice, which comes with a cost.

As to the maintenance, it does seem rather low for an income of £32k. It should be more like £240 a month. So that's the legal avenue although from what you've said the CMS has already looked at it and reached a decision. The holiday may or may not be of any relevance, because you don't know who paid for it, regardless of which the CMS has done its job and made its assessment.

This might not be the answer you want but my outsiders perspective is two adults who've been separated for a decade who still want to drag one another to court, him over a passport you didn't even know about and you over a maintenance claim that's already been exhausted through the CMS. Maybe a better idea is you both save money and stop suing each other with fruitless litigation?

Hi, he’s staying at the aqua fantasy park in Izmir, going with TUI, I can guarantee u won’t find it cheap. The problem is he doesn’t work officially self employed, he works at the power station and in his words does foreigners on the side plus outage…..

I have never said I was going to take him to court, I can’t afford my kids school bus, why would I waste money going to court? He’s already taking me to court for the passport so I will be mentioning it then, just wanted some advice if anyone else had similar problems in the past as I have read different things online. CAFCAS said I could mention to court and then they may suggest either he pays half or I can put in a request to change her school but I don’t wanna break her heart doing that. As for the holiday, where ever he has got the money from he could have still offered to contribute to his child’s bus pass, but no, he selfishly chose an expensive holiday and then paid £215 to get a passport off me that he didn’t ask for!

Let's set the passport aside on the mutual agreement that he was an idiot.

As to the maintenance. It's been assessed at £136. Unless you can prove he lied to them, you have no avenue to pursue. I would recommend you don't mention it in court because the judge or magistrate won't know you. They could well make a presumption that dad has had to go to court over the passport because mum's being difficult over a bus fare.

I would ask the CMS if they are looking at his annual salary not just a few months as it fluctuates due to him getting additional allowances but on a changing basis.

have you told him you are happy to give him the passport and that he doesn't need to take you to court?

The question you have posed is how to deal with this situation. And unfortunately one of ways to do this is too accept it for what it is and that you cannot change him. The problem is he can himself look like a victim in the eyes of your daughter. And for you to look like the one thwarting a holiday.

Thats why we are saying just handing over the passport (which a 14 year old is perfectly able to hold for herself) and any permission needed for her to go on holiday. Then ignore and forget about the rest.

If you report him to the HMRC, he will get into trouble and he will probably blame you openly. This will cause another escalation and so on.

He wants a reaction and knows how to get one. It’s your choice to decide not to give it and to stop playing his game.

Unfortunately there's nothing you can do. On a salary of 32k, paying for 2 dc and living with a 3rd, the cms calculation is correct.

The cms are shit. They don't care what the RPs outgoings are, they don't care if the NRP works cash in hand/hides income in their company. They are totally useless.

I wouldn't have sent my dc to that school unless I had an agreement, in writing, that he paid the bus fare on top of maintenance. But its too late for that. You've sent her.

You have my sympathy.

@LemonTT @Mumof1boy1girl

LemonTT gives sage advice. If he is indeed controlling, then he seems to be getting one over on you right now. In one go he's got you in a fight about money that you probably can't win, he's making you look like you're thwarting a holiday and he's almost egging you on to report him to HMRC.

Don't dance to his tune.

@FilePhoto

The CMS are indeed rubbish and it's a problem in two ways. On the one hand, some parents don't receive enough. In other cases like mine, I have to hand over far more than we ever spent on the children when together even though we are split 65/35 and my ex is allowed to shirk their own financial responsibilities for our children. Consequently I'm one of those parents who would refuse to give more than the CMS mandated amount unless I first received a set of accounts showing exactly how every penny of what has been received so far has been spent on the children.

Hi, I will be attended the court hearing so will have to mention the bus situation as this is how the break down in communication started x he is a moron. He has text my daughter tonight saying if she has to change school then that’s down to me not him 😤

Yes I might however they were useless last time I spoke with them 🙄

Yes done this, he ignores my texts and blocked me on WhatsApp

I have never with held the passport. My daughter actually has access to it but she has in fact said she’s not overly happily going

@Mumof1boy1girl I really don't think you should mention the bus. I think it will make you look bad in front of a court of people who don't know you or all of the history. You'll be playing into his hands.

He’s always been controlling, he’s also 10 years older than me and has always spoken down to me. He never wanted our daughter initially and tried to make me get an abortion, thankfully I have amazing family as I could never bring myself to do this. He soon regretted wanting me to abort our unborn baby when she was born of course but ultimately that and him bringing cocaine into a house with kids I had to get rid of him. I have always tried to do what’s right by my kids and he always seems to pay court to get what he wants 😤

I could give him itemised what gets spent on his daughter for his whole £136 if he wanted it but it barely pays for anything. My daughter plays for a reputable football team too which is 30 mins travel twice a week…. He will happily stand there like the proud dad but refuses to take her training or to the games therefore a lot of money on fuel, even tho he watches the games!

OP if you go to Court and talk about the bus, the judge/magistrates will think you are difficult which is why he took you to Court.

If you go to Court don't mention the bus, state your daughter has her passport in her own procession and you were never informed about the holiday but are happy she is going abroad with her siblings then he will look like a difficult wanker.

It’s not a huge court hearing with lots of people there it’s just magistrates, I am not attending in person I have permission to attend via teams. The bus fare will get mentioned if not by me than him as they will want to know why there has been no communication and ultimately it’s because he blocked me and stuck my daughter in the middle so I have zero contact with him

I am actually going to be dropping off the passport and handing it to his gf, who I don’t have a problem with. Pity her tbh. So he will look a wanker. The bus will get mentioned due to the breakdown in communication and him blocking me and stopping contact putting my daughter in the middle and making her arrange when she sees him so no structure. This isn’t his first rodeo he used to do the same with his ex wife…. Who was the woman before me and mum to his now teen. He forgets I know how he thinks as he used to do it with her. Very poor choice in men!

Also I will mention that she has trials for England and because of this holiday she will miss them

OP does your daughter have a disability that effects her mental capacity?

If not then due to her age she is expected to have a say in her contact arrangements. So he's actually not being unreasonable asking her to say when she wants to see him that's if she wants to see him at all

I will mention that she has trials for England and because of this holiday she will miss them.

Have you confirmed with your daughter that he knows she is the one who has her passport not you? If she doesn't want to go on holiday it would be easier for her to blame you for not handing over the passport rather than to say to her father she doesn't want to go.

If you mention any of that in Court you will fall right into his hands e.g. only being willing to hand the passport over because he took you to Court.

Actually is this not a power play to force your DD to go on holiday or he can play the victim if she doesn't?