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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

I don't think this is reasonable, but have no idea about these things. Advice please

46 replies

Starmoonsunlight · 07/07/2022 17:56

Ok he earns about £70-90k per year. No pension and he also has a flat that has about £80k equity in it.
There's about £200k equity in our house that we joint own and live in.
I earn £41k and have a pension.

He says he'll either move out and give me £50k lump sum to pay the mortgage and bills etc until youngest DC is 18 (6 years) then take his £50k back out of the equity of the house sale
Or, pay the mortgage (£1200 per month) plus £500pm maintenance but when we sell in 6 years time he wants the £100k back
Or he buys me out now so I'd get £200k equity to go towards my own property but DC would live mainly with him as they'd want to as this is their family home.
If I don't agree to one of these options then he says he's going to stop payments into the joint account so the mortgage defaults and we end up in arrears with bad credit.

He's not violent but very very verbally abusive and threatening. Can women's aid/the police help me? I can't go to family as they don't want to know
I know a solicitor is the best bet but I'm really going to struggle to afford it, means racking up £££ on a credit card.
What do I do? I'm a bit terrified.

OP posts:
Chewbecca · 07/07/2022 17:59

How much is your pension worth?

You tend to start at half of your joint assets so £280k + your pension.

If he is offering to buy you out, that is tempting to my mind, but with shared custody, why would the DC not want to be with both of you?

Original poster
Starmoonsunlight · 07/07/2022 18:00

I know people will say I need to start saving but it's pretty tough. He refused to pay for holidays for years so I had to plus I have spent a fair bit of money on weekends away and stuff for myself as a survival strategy really. Plus Xmas cost me a fortune so I now just have debt (about £6k) which I am paying off, albeit slowly. I should have paid it off in a couple of years but it doesn't leave me much to pay for a solicitor. My family refuse to help me

OP posts:
Original poster
Starmoonsunlight · 07/07/2022 18:02

My DC are nearly 16 and nearly 13 so they can kind of decide where to go. They would want to see me and spend time with me but this is their home. Because of the area we live I'd have to move a to a close but different area of the city. The suburb we live in is £££.

OP posts:
Original poster
Starmoonsunlight · 07/07/2022 18:08

Unsure re worth of pension I have 3 separate ones (NHS, black widow and teachers) that I need to add together

OP posts:
queenie2016 · 07/07/2022 18:09

If your married you would be entitled to the equity in his flat aswell so £40,000 from that do not let him bully you ! He is not going to default on the mortgage as it would also ruin his credit ! He can't kick you out so you both would live there until the house was sold or one of you decided to move out. The £200,000 seems tempting , what do you want op ? If I was you I'd want a clean break from him and his controlling behaviour he would still have to pay cm depending on how often you both have the kids.

thisisscary · 07/07/2022 18:10

Womens' Aid can help, yes. Domestic Abuse takes many forms. They may also be able to set you up with a free consultation with a solicitor. Otherwise I'd recommend paying for an hour with a solicitor (£250 ish). Get your info and list of questions ready in advance to make the most of the time. Good advice is worth paying for then you can do a lot of the paperwork yourself.

Original poster
Starmoonsunlight · 07/07/2022 18:11

I must admit I'm tempted to take the equity and be free. The recent cost of living increases terrify me a bit too be honest.

OP posts:
queenie2016 · 07/07/2022 18:14

@Starmoonsunlight what is the market like where your at £200,000 would buy you a big four bed house in a nice area where I live. The kids are getting older you won't need that much space i would honestly just want a clean slate from it all start fresh and create a nice new life for myself , you could pay off you debt etc aswell. Do you want to be dealing with him for the next 6 years over payments and the house ? Your kids may not even want to stay with him after a while if he can be quite controlling.

thisisscary · 07/07/2022 18:15

When it comes, the freedom is incredible.

I'm no good with numbers I can't work out if your suggestion is fair or not, but a solicitor would advise you for a couple of hundred quid. There's also this that might help: divorce.wikivorce.com/advice/financial/divorce-calculator

queenie2016 · 07/07/2022 18:18

Did a quick calculation and if the kids stay with him 3 nights a week on £80,000 a year you would be entitled to this:

I don't think this is reasonable, but have no idea about these things. Advice please
queenie2016 · 07/07/2022 18:18

I'd take the £200,000 and then stiff him for child maintenance tbh

EaselArt · 07/07/2022 18:20

I would say any payment for the children is non refundable.

LittleOwl153 · 07/07/2022 18:25

Firstly, remember that any agreement for maintenance- even one set in a court agreement - can be overturned in 2 years to default to the CMS minimum - by which time he might be self employed and shifting funds through a company - or into his pension! - so he has no earnings.

not paying the mortgage will hit him as hard as it does you in terms of credit ratings so he's unlikely to do that - it is just a bullying technique.

You need to get an idea of what your pensions are worth as to where your negotiating power lies - remember 50% of everything (including whatever savings he's getting this mythical £50k from) is where the court would start. Plus assuming the kids stay with you, you are entitled to 16% of his (declared) income reducing to 12% when the oldest leaves secondary education, reducing to 0 when the youngest finishes secondary.

Also remember to include in a divorce settlement who pays for university support even if the kids are living with you.

JimmyShoo · 07/07/2022 18:28

As much as you don’t want to, you really do need a solicitor. They will take their fee from your settlement.

Does your husband not have any pension at all?

Original poster
Starmoonsunlight · 07/07/2022 18:31

He's already self employed and has a very complicated financial set up, to pay less tax and dividends etc etc. I don't understand it. I'm utterly utterly shit with understanding money, I have a fucking masters degree but understanding finances would be a lot more useful!

Thank you all for all the v helpful comments so far

OP posts:
queenie2016 · 07/07/2022 18:35

That's means he's a limited company take the £200,000 op as you'd get nothing in cm payments he'll be paying himself the bare minimum and then topping up with dividends . Free yourself from him for good I think money wise it's the best option

Original poster
Starmoonsunlight · 07/07/2022 18:46

queenie2016 · 07/07/2022 18:35

That's means he's a limited company take the £200,000 op as you'd get nothing in cm payments he'll be paying himself the bare minimum and then topping up with dividends . Free yourself from him for good I think money wise it's the best option

I think he does this already..I think you're right. I need to just go through the pain of a house move and break free. I'm baulking at it a bit because everyone I know currently trying to move house is having a mare but I just have to steel myself and crack on.

He has £50k savings, probably more stashed in some other account somewhere.

OP posts:
LittleOwl153 · 07/07/2022 18:48

Yeah absolutely you are not going to get any ongoing maintenance from him if he already has a 'complicated' tax set up!

I would not assume that he is being honest with you about assets though... his 'company' will be worth something.

Original poster
Starmoonsunlight · 07/07/2022 18:51

£200k would only buy a one bed flat round here! To buy something okish and be near to the kids school I'd be looking at a 2 bed for about £300k. Then once they've finished sell that and move to where I actually want to live. I live in a city where it's either mega affluent suburbs or areas of high deprivation and social issues where I wouldn't want to live with the kids. One extreme to another.

OP posts:
LittleOwl153 · 07/07/2022 18:51

A mortgage of £1200 a month for 6 years is going to cost you £86,400. Assuming its fixed rate... How much is left of the mortgage now?

As pp have worked out on your estimate of his salary he owes you £5-600 a month in cms. That's about £40,000 over 6 years.

Original poster
Starmoonsunlight · 07/07/2022 18:54

LittleOwl153 · 07/07/2022 18:51

A mortgage of £1200 a month for 6 years is going to cost you £86,400. Assuming its fixed rate... How much is left of the mortgage now?

As pp have worked out on your estimate of his salary he owes you £5-600 a month in cms. That's about £40,000 over 6 years.

We have 17 years left on it. If we did the lump sum thing would change to interest only as only way I could afford to live. The house will continue to appreciate in value I think. Bought 13 years ago for £330k now worth £600k.

OP posts:
BoJoGoGo · 07/07/2022 18:54

I think I’d go for the middle option with some tweaking.

queenie2016 · 07/07/2022 19:03

Is it far where you want to move to in the future from where you live now ? Your nearly 16 year old will be leaving school and then there's only 3 year for the 13 year olds school runs you may be better off trying to buy where you ultimately want to be

queenie2016 · 07/07/2022 19:05

A mortgage of £100,000 would cost you roughly around £475 a month is this doable for you if you used the £200,000 as a deposit ?

resuwen · 07/07/2022 19:07

Or, pay the mortgage (£1200 per month) plus £500pm maintenance but when we sell in 6 years time he wants the £100k back
Does this mean when you sell he wants his 100k equity, or his 100k equity AND an additional 100k?

If it's the first one, that's a good deal. If it's the second, definitely not!

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