I don't think this is reasonable, but have no idea about these things. Advice please

[Starmoonsunlight]

Ok he earns about £70-90k per year. No pension and he also has a flat that has about £80k equity in it.
There's about £200k equity in our house that we joint own and live in.
I earn £41k and have a pension.

He says he'll either move out and give me £50k lump sum to pay the mortgage and bills etc until youngest DC is 18 (6 years) then take his £50k back out of the equity of the house sale
Or, pay the mortgage (£1200 per month) plus £500pm maintenance but when we sell in 6 years time he wants the £100k back
Or he buys me out now so I'd get £200k equity to go towards my own property but DC would live mainly with him as they'd want to as this is their family home.
If I don't agree to one of these options then he says he's going to stop payments into the joint account so the mortgage defaults and we end up in arrears with bad credit.

He's not violent but very very verbally abusive and threatening. Can women's aid/the police help me? I can't go to family as they don't want to know
I know a solicitor is the best bet but I'm really going to struggle to afford it, means racking up £££ on a credit card.
What do I do? I'm a bit terrified.

Where I want to live is about half an hour from school in no traffic, but at school time would be an hour! Plus my own work commitments mean it's not doable. They need to be able to walk to school or easy public transport.

He wants £100k more from the equity so split in half then he gets £100k more.

@Starmoonsunlight I think it boils down to wether you want to deal with him in some shape or form for 6 years or have a clean break he seems like the type to stop paying you if you pissed him off in any way , I'd take the money and start now being away from him financially, it's either now or in 6 years time.

I wouldn't be able to use the full £200k. Would probably use about £150k and then I'd need to pay stamp duty plus my debt plus a few bits for whatever house I bought furniture etc. I'd also like to use about £5k to start some kind of savings account.

I can afford about £600 a month in mortgage payments and would take on some extra work which would actually be quite easy to do. Am already being asked for it!

@Starmoonsunlight maybe start viewing some houses see how you feel about it all I think naturally it'll push you one way or the other.

I spend a lot of time on Rightmove. I have the app on my phone! I have even driven round to look at some of them from outside and to be honest I've kicked myself a bit that I've not taken the leap before and tried to secure one.

I think if I had my family's support I'd already be there, not financially but emotionally but they won't even talk about it or acknowledge the level of abuse I'm experiencing in terms of his bullying. The fact they're happy to turn a blind eye to the fact their daughter/sister is so unhappy makes me hate them a bit. It feels quite lonely but I do have some nice friends and although a lot will no doubt take his "side" I trust my ability now to meet new people, especially when I can be myself without having him dampening my personality down.

At lest see a couple of solicitors for a free consultation and they will advise if you need them and if his offer is fair

Are you married?

If so, the starting point is 50/50 of all assets - this includes house, flat, savings, debt, pensions, of both of you. Your first job is to take photographs of any financial paperwork you can find, showing balances and dates, and check about for the 'hidden' savings accounts. Child maintenance is separate to the split of assets, and IMO you're better not mixing discussions about the two.

If not, you both own what you own, e.g. 50% of house if it's in joint names. Plus he will have to pay child maintenance (apparently they do take into account company dividends), based on the number of nights he has them.

You'll need any financial agreement to show you've both taken legal advice, and then to get it signed off by the court. 8f you're in agreement, this should be quite straightforward. But please make sure a lawyer checks you're not being done over before you agree anything.

Yes married so relieved I have some rights. I have a couple of friends being royally screwed over who never got married. 😞

I saw a good solicitor a few years ago about access to our dd. Just in case her dad followed through on his threats

The free consultation was to discuss access but ended up with them giving me advice on the financials.

After the consultation they said I didn't need them right now but to come back if I did and he followed through.

For me, I would have used them as they were so honest! Don't get me wrong they would have been expensive but I think they would have been worth it.

You should do a ring round and see what they all say. I think the ones who are any good and believe they needed will be honest with you.

Get legal advice and try women’s aid also. You can get a one off from a solicitor and they can give you an overview.

@Starmoonsunlight he sounds awful op and emotionally abusive , they do take into account dividends but it's a hard slog to get there my friends partner did this to his ex and still to this day they haven't took the dividends into account , it's sad to hear some of your friends would be on his side ! They are your friends and it's sad to hear your family is not a great support either, sending hugs. I think it can go 2 ways now be strong op start looking at some houses and think about your future you can go down the road of 50/50 and child maintenance but I don't think you'd get more than the £200,000 and I could se endless arguements and grief about it , currently there's £100,000 in the house £40,000 from his flat then even if they take his dividends into account which would be another long battle he won't be paying his full wage through it because you still end up in the higher tax band so he won't be paying himself more than £52,000 from that which over 6 years would equal to around £20-£25000 so in my opinion the £200,000 is more money and an easy out without the hassle of it all , but again it depends which road is right for you fight and have everything go through solicitors or have it all sorted out immediately.

I think I'd rather just clean break like you say. Thx v much for supportive post. I've just been sat in a local bar crying into a glass of wine. After 23 years most of our friends are "ours" rather than mine. The odd few times I've made a friend independently he's piled in so they're his mates as well. He's very overwhelming and intense and can't stand not being the centre of attention. To the point people describe him as manic as he talks incessantly especially in groups. I'm pretty quiet so it's a nightmare. But I'm quiet and subdued to cope with him, I think once I'm free I'll be more lively again. It's embarrassing at the moment when I meet new people I have nothing to say, I'm mentally exhausted from dealing with him. I'm boring. Hopefully that will change.

Tbh if he’s offering you the full equity on the marital home and you to keep your pension ( which could be very valuable if nhs and teachers) then that’s a good deal as will work out at much higher than 50% share and his solicitor is v likely to counsel him to say that’s too high an offer.

Offering full equity right now yes. So maybe that's the best route to go down. Not sure re "amazing pension" as dropped to very part time to look after kids whilst he climbed the dizzy career heights.

Apparently there's a way of working out how much you have in pensions if you have several... Does anyone know how?

But nhs and teachers pensions are usually pretty good so you need a valuation in these….
id day 100% equity from the fmh plus 100% of your pensions is a great deal for you based on the v limited information here ……,
he’ll have 80k plus zero pension assuming your figures are correct and you earn a decent salary ….

OP you need some super good legal advice. If your property is worth £600k and you bought for £330k then you're being screwed over.
CMS can take dividend payments into consideration if you ask them to look into it. They can look at previous tax years and see the dividend income.

Get proper legal advice and don't get screwed over by your ex. I wouldn't be settling for 200k with property worth £600k plus a flat worth however much.

Judges start at 50:50 but it has tp be a fair split. I took 60% of our house as the ex has higher income and I need to house our children for 85% of the time.

If he’s offering full equity in the fmh ( ie op get s 100% of that ) plus op gets to keep her public sector pensions, ex gets 80k equity in the flat and no pension I don’t see how that’s being screwed over tbh

bit op dies need legal advice

I think you need a good solicitor. How much income are you receiving from the flat?

Hope your doing ok op sand stay strong what ever you decide , it's awful to hear you were sitting in a bar crying alone over it all please keep reaching out to family/friends for support.