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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Pending separation - husband says we have to sell

32 replies

Scruffybear · 02/07/2022 08:30

Hi all
I’m embarrassingly completely lacking in financial and divorce related savvy and need help. Allegation was made against my husband by one of our children and ss became involved. Children are adopted and recognised as having severe trauma and SEN. Husband is using situation to walk away having wanted to I think for many years but didn’t want to be the bad guy. Now he has an excuse. He has insisted house needs to go on the market as no other option. Keeps saying this in front of kids. I had hoped for sake of kids we would find a way to avoid this massive stress for them but I think he feels if he can’t live here no one can. Currently all living together but he is not parenting, also a cause of stress, kids are confused.
i have debt of more than £10k, I doubt there will be more than £100k equity in the house which leaves us with £50k each. I only have a small part time job so couldn’t take over the mortgage as I guess I wouldn’t be allowed even if family helped with payments. Both kids are SEN meaning lots of therapy needed during the week and constant relentless supervision. So I work at the weekend which is now impossible as I can’t leave kids with him and need others to babysit which isn’t easy for kids like mine, plus how would I pay them!? Currently forced into taking unpaid leave.
For added complexity husband has his own business which I am also a director of, so my salary (basically all spent on repaying debt and kids needs) comes from that source.
it feels like such an impossible mess, even my phone is a company phone. I have a legal line to speak to but they only EVER call me back when I have the kids as they won’t specify a time and I’ve as yet been unable to chat it all through.
can anyone help with experience of a similar situation. Husband keeps saying that involving lawyers will ‘use all our money’ and I’ve no desire to be acrimonious but I would do whatever I could to avoid uprooting the kids. So I know I need them involved but at the moment it’s taking all my time and energy to keep things stable for the children and the stress is just piling up as I know there must be loads i need to be doing. Please help if you can

OP posts:
Flerp · 02/07/2022 08:34

You have to get legal advice.

I'm sorry your marriage is coming to an end, but now you need to act for you. He needs to act for him.

Everything legally comes down to needs. What do you need if you're going to be supporting the kids, what does he need to be able to set up shop again. Neither way can be to the excessive detriment of the other, irrespective of feelings.

Good luck

redbigbananafeet · 02/07/2022 08:42

Also remember your husband can't fire you from his business just because he's divorcing you.

Velvian · 02/07/2022 08:43

There may be some charities that could help you with advice. As you work for him too, try rightsofwomen.org.uk/

something2say · 02/07/2022 08:49

I think...
You need to maximize your income somehow.
When the house does sell, pay off your debts.
£40k is enough for a deposit.
Then you'll have an idea of child care payments and can do a proper budget.
How to balance work with child care needs tho???

I do hope that in time your lovely children will settle in the stability that living with you will bring...

Doyoumind · 02/07/2022 08:55

You do need legal advice OP. I suspect he wants to do this without solicitors because he knows he's unlikely to get what he wants.

If you post in Legal Matters you might get some useful advice from solicitors on there.

motogirl · 02/07/2022 08:57

I suggest mediation rather than a solicitor. They can help you come to an agreement without the adversarial nature of lawyers.

You mentioned ss - is that resolved? As that complicates the situation. Social services may be able to advise on adoption related benefits you could claim if lower income due to sen

LittleBoPeep345 · 02/07/2022 08:57

Are there council homes available in you area? Can you get yourself on the list?

DenholmElliot1 · 02/07/2022 08:58

The first thing you need to do is see if you can get a mortgage. Until you e got that information you can't really move forward

Doyoumind · 02/07/2022 09:01

motogirl · 02/07/2022 08:57

I suggest mediation rather than a solicitor. They can help you come to an agreement without the adversarial nature of lawyers.

You mentioned ss - is that resolved? As that complicates the situation. Social services may be able to advise on adoption related benefits you could claim if lower income due to sen

Mediation won't suffice as OP needs to understand her legal rights. And it doesn't work where one party is as unreasonable as he sounds.

Blowthemandown · 02/07/2022 09:19

Get legal advice. Talk to Citizens’ Advice at least. He can’t insist the house is sold and the court may rule it cannot be until the kids are of age. He is relying on you not knowing what’s legal etc.

Mumoftwoinprimary · 02/07/2022 09:19

If you are going to be the full career for the kids then your need will be higher than his. Things won’t be split 50:50 as the kids are the priority.

Quartz2208 · 02/07/2022 09:23

You need legal advice and fast

Yes the house is an asset and may have to be sold - but you are a director of the business so that is equally a joint asset and would have to be looked at and put in the pot

This is already acrimonious

DameCelia · 02/07/2022 09:31

No @Scruffybear the house does not get sold before the divorce, your Husband needs to be told that straight away.
If you sell the house a split the proceeds 50/50 you stand no chance of getting the money back from him when the financial settlement states that you are entitled to a bigger share (as it will if you have the children for the majority of the time).
The only way it would work is if the proceeds of sale stayed with a solicitor until the financial settlement, and there's no point in that!

Ask MNHQ to repost your message in legal matters. There are family lawyers over there who can give you some ideas about likely outcomes. You just have to ignore the non lawyers who sometimes turn up on threads over there thinking what happened to their sister's best friend is relevant to you!

Greenberg · 02/07/2022 09:42

I don't know the legal scenario but I do think you need legal advice.

Also, you might be able to get a guarantor for the mortgage if your parents could help with that, so you could buy your own place. The repayments might not be much more than rental, especially if you got a thirty year mortgage.

RandomMess · 02/07/2022 09:47

Starting point is 50:50 but you have DC and will be the sole carer and are no longer able to work so it's is very very likely you will be awarded more.

Plus all debts and assets will be looked at including pensions.

RoseMartha · 02/07/2022 09:59

You need legal advice. It would not necessarily be split 50/50. Plus pensions and savings are taken into account.

I got a bigger percentage of house sale based on needs of the children. They like yours are adopted, one with SN, both with MH and other complex needs. I still work part time. I had to downsize to a flat but it is ok. They also never stay over with their dad. They do see him.

I know how hard it is juggling needs of AD kids and working. Sending a hug.

See what benefits you might be entitled to also.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 02/07/2022 10:06

You need a lawyer, you need to not hesitate to state your needs, and you need to abandon all thought of being amicable. Make clear now that you will not agree to selling the house, and that you will be seeking as much child maintenance as the system allows.

scotscorner · 02/07/2022 10:10

Everyone is right, you need legal advice.
in the short term, DO NOT AGREE to any major decisions about financial split or put the house on the market. From what you’ve said:
a) you won’t be able to get another house/mortgage
b) you are going to be primary carer for the kids so will need more
c) you will not be able to work full-time due to (b) so you’ll struggle to build a bigger deposit
d) your children have special needs which would also be taken into account by a court ultimately regarding the disruption of moving neighbourhood

all that means that if you can possibly find a way to keep the house, you should. Maybe it’s not financially viable but that doesn’t mean he gets to tell you it’s being sold.

Not saying it will be easy, but my sister has had a similar situation and fought for years to keep her house in her settlement. She has been very willing (too willing in our opinion…) to compromise on other financial matters (I.e. has given away a big chunk of her pension) but in the end she has succeeded in keeping the house. This was very important as she’d never have got another mortgage as she cares full time for kids including one with very significant extra needs.

your husband isn’t wrong that lawyers will be costly but if he wants to kick his wife and kids of their house then that can be his problem. Mediation would be best.

TheFormidableMrsC · 02/07/2022 10:16

redbigbananafeet · 02/07/2022 08:42

Also remember your husband can't fire you from his business just because he's divorcing you.

Mine did. I got a P45 the day after he told me he was leaving me.

Original poster
Scruffybear · 02/07/2022 12:06

I’m out with kids today still waiting for legal to call me back and can see from ring can that he has someone round to value the house. Anyone know how the process of putting it on the market goes, can he do this without me signing something??!

OP posts:
YukoandHiro · 02/07/2022 12:11

OP if you are joint owners or tenants in common (both of which require both names on the mortgage) then he can't sell without your agreement.
If it's only in his name, even though you're married he can sell whenever he likes even though you have a claim to the asset

Original poster
Scruffybear · 02/07/2022 12:11

Also how do I move this post to legal? Sorry, such a dunce!

OP posts:
DameCelia · 02/07/2022 12:12

@Scruffybear are you both registered as owners at the Land Registry?
If not you must get a caution/notice registered immediately to protect your interests you will need a lawyer to verify your identity for this at a minimum, you might want their help to do the whole process.
If the house is registered in both names let the estate agent know you are not in agreement with sale if he lists it.
Don't panic immediately though as he might be getting a valuation to get legal advice about the division of assets. Which is exactly what you should be doing too.
Sorry, there is no 'amicable' in a situation like this.

scotscorner · 02/07/2022 12:14

I don’t know if there’s anything to stop him advertising it, but assuming you jointly own it (I.e. you are on the title deeds!) he cannot sell it without your consent. I would communicate with him now in a way that is in writing, clear and can be referred to later (i.e. an email which can be printed) saying that you do not agree to any sale right now and he needs to stop until an agreement is reached between you or through court.

Jellycatspyjamas · 02/07/2022 12:14

Do you get DLA for the kids? If not it’s worth applying - Cerebra do an excellent guide for applying where children have additional support needs. Also pop over to the adoption boards if you need support coping with the fall out and supporting your kids.