Is asking for 75% too much?

[clpsmum]

My divorce has been dragging out for years now and his having a major affect on my mental health I need it to be over and ties cut asap. I am currently applying to court for a forced sale of marital home however I've been advised this will take a minimum for a year from start to finish.

Would it be unreasonable if me to ask my STBXH for 75% of the equity in the home and I will forfeit anything else pensions, money he owes me etc.

I know I could be doing myself a huge disservice but I just need this to be over asap and he is throwing a spanner in the works and dragging it out at any possible opportunity.

My question really is, is 75% too much to ask for?

I'm in a similar position although I earn a bit more than my STBXH (I didn't when I was working part time for 13 years). My mental health is suffering and the divorce (that I filed for) has been dragging out since Xmas 2020. I stupidly signed up with the Co-o solicitor group as I had wanted a quick divorce but then realised that he wasn't contributing anything towards the two children so not only was I paying for the bills on the family home (no mortgage though) but also paying for the costs for the children. I decided to bring a financial solicitor in (again, Co-op) and they are just sending pre-prepped letters out to me every few weeks and don't actually seem to be fighting my corner. STBXH has money from elsewhere that he has accumulated before and after marriage - which is fine - but I am being offered 50% of the house only even though he has another property (acquired after separation) and a big pension. My pension is reduced due to working many years part time.
Latest letter I've had is that my STBXH and his solicitor are becoming very frustrated that I'm not accepting the 50% offer (would be about £120k) and have decided to go for mediation. I wanted it to go to court but my solicitor has advised against it and sent me list of extortionate barrister's fees to put me off. I have no money left and I am not borrowing to pay for everything so this is really worrying me. I'm 50 and will need a mortgage of at least another £100k to get another house (house prices have shot up where I live) and I know that bank may not give me that and, even if they did, it would seriously reduce my disposable income to a point I'd be struggling. Meanwhile, he'd live mortgage free etc. Like you, my mental health is suffering. I was thinking of saying 75% of the house and letting him keep his pension etc. but my solicitor just doesn't seem to fight my corner.
I am not sleeping well and it is affecting me at work so I don't know what to do next!

That should say that I am borrowing now to pay for spiralling costs.

That is why your STBX is doing what he is doing. He's punishing you whilst doing his best to keep as much money as he can.

I really would recommend holding out to find out his what his pension is worth, it could make an enormous difference.

Do you have faith in your solicitor? My first one seemed to have my interests at heart when we first met but she was all about the money and dragged things out unnecessarily. The second one didn't take any shit and got things done.

The was before OP said he earns £75k and there only £50k in house basically
She's sacrificing claim on pension for 12.5k

Even with 100% of equity bet she'd still be out of pocket

re posted to say sit tight

@PaddingtonBearRules I am so sorry you are going through this. I had the scary thought the other day would I have actually left him if I knew this is how it would turn out? Thank goodness we don't know what is ahead of us! Fell free to pm me if you need to chat.

Thank you so much everyone for all your advice it is very greatly appreciated.

Tbh I don't think his pension will be worth much. He only got a pension when it became compulsory. And truthfully I'm kind of past caring anyway as long as I have enough money to put a little bit away for my kids that will do me just to have him out of my life.

@1VY thank you so much I have just made an online claim with the CMS and it was so easy. Fingers crossed he won't just ignore them but have a feeling he might

I don't think it would be fair on anyone to stay in a marriage regardless of what happens with finances. My stbxh was oblivious to my feelings and didn't see it coming at all. I was dying inside. It wasn't fair on him that I felt the way I did and I began to realise that it wasn't fair on me either as I was missing out on probably the most parts of a relationship that I could have.
I didn't claim CMS as I'm living in the family home atm but that may/will change once I am in my own home and with a mortgage to pay again.

The best parts of a relationship that should say!

Well done on contacting CMS and I’m glad it went smoothly. Even if your ex ignores them, they can still get his salary details from his last tax return. They work directly with HMRC as they are a government agency,

Of course this only works if he has a legit job and is paid through the books and pays tax / completes a tax return , but it sounds like he does.

I know that you think that he doesn’t have much of a pension or any savings. But that would be pretty unusual for a man who earns £75,000. And he must be spending a lot of legal fees to drag the divorce out this long. My guess is that he’s doing this part you to control and punish you but also to hide his assets.

Please do listen to your solicitor and see the legal process through.

And please seek some support for your stress / mental health, I know this is very tough.

You need to get your solicitor to apply to the court for full disclosure of his finances. Only then can you decide. The general rule is not to take more equity in lieu of pension but you can't make that decision right now.

I read something by a divorce solicitor a while back who said women's willingness to forfeit their claim to pensions was often the biggest mistake they make.

Pensions are much more valuable than you think. Even more so if he won't disclose the value. Don't give it up.

Also, someone very close to me accepted a poor outcome of the financial split when getting divorced because of the toll the process was taking on their mental health. They just wanted over it with so they could move on.

They've regretted it ever since.

Don't give up, hold on a bit longer.

Pensions are much more valuable than you think. Even more so if he won't disclose the value.

This. Mine tried telling me (over and over again, for many years) his was very nearly worthless. It really wasn't.

You have the strength of MN behind you, OP, don't do yourself and your children a disservice by letting him off with what you are due

If he didn't have savings and a pension pot that is worthless he wouldn't be avoiding disclosing.

If it's not about the money but about control then you will still need to go to court.

Remember all the payments you have made since he moved out can be factored in the final finances settlement especially if he isn't paying rent/paying less than you are for the mortgage.

I say wait it out. Don’t forfeit that pension. My work colleague divorced her exh and never took his pension, now she’s near pension age she’s regretting that decision, she wanted it over with too.
Get on to CMS asap. He sounds like he’s hiding lots from you.

Oh there is a couple of them. I do recall their names. Don't let yourself continue to be a victim of a man ever.

I'm in Scotland so think it may be different here. Was advised against mediation as we cannot be in the same room and ex is a compulsive liar and wouldn't be honest.

Lots of shot has gone on and it's just so messy and long

His parents were having a party after being totally non contact with my three children for over two years. They invited two of them and offered to pay me to keep my disabled son away. That is the sort of disgusting idiots I am dealing with and that he is surrounded by and being advised by

Last post is totally irrelevant tbh just a rant!

I'd be ranting at that too . Some people are just shits.

They really are.

He's absolutely deluded tbh he lives in some kind of alternate state believing his own bullshit!

@YukoandHiro fully agree, it's not just mental health now, but mental health as you age and retire. I do understand just wanting to get out of it but I've known women who have regretted doing that as it continues to affect them year after year.

With my situation, yes it did affect my mental health whenduring the prolonged divorce, but having got it behind me I have managed to work on the mental health and look forward to a more or less financially ok retirement. Part of being able to improve my mental health was knowing that I had all I was entitled to. It did take time, can't deny that, but had I settled for less than entitled to I would still needed that time plus nothing to look forward on the other side
Don't discount the physical effects of ongoing stress and worry, it is implicated in many conditions especially as you get older, and it is so stressful when you are worrying can you afford to retire, or if the choice is taken away from you because of illness, especially if you knew the ex is having a lovely time and being able to fund his lifestyle.

Thank you all so much for the advice and I can't tell you how much better you have all made me feel.

It's really hard to think of the long term when I am suffering so much just now tbh. My anxiety is through the roof and I'm having daily panic attacks. I have quite a stressful home life as it is so this is really not helping tbh. I just wish I could see into the future

Thanks to the poster who advised me to go via CMS which I did. I received a letter last week telling me I am entitled to an extra £21 a week. I've disputed it as he has declared his wages to be less than what they actually are so we will see what happens. Today is the first day of the increased payment and surprise surprise he hasn't paid it

Well if he fails to pay ask to be moved onto direct payment.